Next to Me

by Allie Everhart

  "Callie," he says softly. "Come here."

  I shake my head, the tears falling faster now.

  The couch cushions sink as he moves over until he's right beside me. His big arms wrap around me, pulling me against his chest. He kisses my head. "It's okay," he says quietly. "It's okay to be sad."

  "It's been over a year," I say, my voice trembling, "and it's not getting any better. I shouldn't still feel this way."

  He turns me toward him and I put my head on his chest, savoring the feel of his warmth, his strength, his comfort.

  "You were just stuck," he says, rubbing my back. "You were unable to move forward because you wouldn't let anyone help you. But now that you are, it'll get better. I promise you, it won't always hurt this much."

  Normally, I'd try to hide my tears but I don't this time. I trust Nash to see this side of me. The broken-down, vulnerable side that is finally admitting she needs help. And I want Nash to be the one to help me. Whether we're neighbors, friends, or more than that, I need him. I need him to help me get through this.

  He continues to rub my back, telling me it'll be okay, and holding me close. And eventually, my crying slows to the point that I can talk again.

  I lift my head up to Nash. "Can I tell you about them?"

  He kisses my forehead. "I'd love for you to tell me about them." He picks up the remote and turns the TV off.

  I remain tucked in his arms and start by telling him about my mom. I'm not sure why I'm telling him this. It's hard to talk about her and I find myself tearing up, remembering certain things. But as the words come out, some of the weight I've been carrying around begins to lift. I almost feel like my mom is here, encouraging me. I've never felt her presence around me. If it's been there, I've ignored it, but now I feel like it's here. I feel like Greg is here too, telling me I'm stronger than I think I am. He used to always say that when I told him I couldn't do something.

  I don't feel Ben's presence around me, but I think that's because I won't let myself. It's too hard. I'm not ready to say goodbye to him. I can still see him playing next to me on the floor, driving his toy cars around, wearing his favorite dinosaur shirt, and then jumping up on the couch and hugging me for no reason at all. I'd tickle him and he'd laugh and tell me he wanted to be just like me someday.

  "Callie," Nash whispers as he holds me tighter. I feel the wetness on his shirt and notice I'm crying again, remembering Ben. "We can talk about him later," Nash says.

  I glance at the clock and see I've been talking for over an hour. But I'm not done. I need to finish.

  I look up at Nash. "I want to tell you about him."

  He rubs his thumb over my cheek, wiping away the tears. "Go ahead. Talk as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere."

  For the next hour, I tell him about my little brother and the cute things he used to do and say, and about how he thought I was the greatest sister ever.

  "But I wasn't," I say, tears streaming down my face. "I wasn't the greatest sister. I wasn't even a good sister. If I was, I would've gone with him that day. He begged me to, and I told him no. Why?" I wipe my eyes. "Why did I do that?"

  "Because you weren't meant to go with them," Nash says, rubbing his hand up and down my arm. "You were meant to be here. You may not understand why, but that's the thing about life. You don't always understand it. It doesn't always make sense. And sometimes it does things that piss you off, but you just have to keep going."

  "I'm trying," I whisper.

  "I know you are." He brings my head to his chest and kisses the top of it.

  I wrap my arm around his waist and bring my legs up on the couch and close my eyes. It's late and I'm tired, but I don't want Nash to leave. He must know I want him to stay because he turns and lies down on the couch, taking me with him. I nestle against his warm body as his arm goes over me.

  And as I lie here next to him, it becomes clear to me that Nash is not just my neighbor. He's not just my friend. He's the man I've fallen in love with.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Nash

  When I wake up, the room is lit from the sun and I squint from the brightness as I check the clock. It's after eight. My neck and back are aching from sleeping on this couch, but I couldn't leave Callie alone last night. She was finally opening up to me, telling me about her family and how much they meant to her, and about the guilt she feels for not going with them that day. She spilled her heart out to me and there was no way in hell I was going to leave her all alone after that. She needs support now more than ever as she works her way through to the acceptance stage of grief. She's been lingering in the denial stage for so long that it'd be easy for her to go back to it. But I won't let her.

  I smile as I see her tiny body wedged between me and the back of the couch. Her eyes are closed and she's softly breathing, her hand resting over my chest. She's beautiful. And so at peace as she sleeps. I just want to watch her a few minutes before getting up.

  I'm not sure where things will go from here with Callie and me. But I do know that I love her. I feel it when I'm with her and even when I'm not. We haven't known each other that long, but we've spent a lot of time together. And in that time, we've shared our deepest secrets, deepest regrets, and the pain and guilt we feel over those we've lost. Sometimes it isn't time that develops a love for a person. It's shared experiences, shared connections, a bond over surviving a type of tragedy most others will never know.

  "Nash?" I hear Callie's soft voice as she blinks her eyes open. "What time is it?"

  "Eight-fifteen." I kiss her head. "You better get up or you'll be late for work."

  She yawns. "I think my boss will be okay with it, given that he's the one making me late."

  "How is he making you late?"

  She hugs my chest and takes a deep breath. "He's comfy and it makes me not want to get up."

  "He'd love to stay, but your boss needs to go take a shower then get us some breakfast. Any requests?"

  "Oh!" She sits up, all excited. "Can you get one of those breakfast sandwiches where the bread tastes like French toast?"

  I smile. This is the Callie I saw glimpses of when I first met her. The firecracker, who's quiet and still one moment, then bursts with emotion the next. Just now, she went from half-asleep to alert and excited within less than a second.

  "Yeah, I can get you one of those," I say. "But you gotta let me up."

  "I think you already are." Her hand brushed over the front of my jeans when she moved. She's blushing, but having her notice my erection doesn't embarrass me in the least.

  "What can I say? Morning? A beautiful woman lying on top of me? It's bound to happen." I kiss her quick before getting up. "Come over when you're ready. I'll have breakfast waiting."

  It's a warm, sunny morning so we have breakfast outside. Cat's meowing at the back screen door so I open it to let him out.

  "He's not an outdoor cat," Callie says, pouring herself some more orange juice from the carton.

  "He'll stay on the deck. He won't run off, will you, buddy?" I rub his neck and he purrs.

  "I don't think he'll ever come back to my house. He likes it too much over here."

  Just as she says it, he strolls over and jumps up on her lap. She sits back, startled.

  "That's weird. He's never done that before."

  "He's never jumped on your lap?"

  "No. He was Ben's cat, so he followed Ben around and completely ignored me."

  "Well, he's not ignoring you now."

  He settles down on her lap, curling up into a ball. She pets him and he closes his eyes and purrs.

  "Maybe he's starting to like me."

  The three of us remain outside until it's time for her to go to Lou's. I told her she could skip working for me this morning. She's almost done going through the boxes, so there's no hurry to get it done. I'll be here doing renovations for at least another month, and after that? I don't know what will happen. I'll go back to Chicago, but what will Callie do? Keep working part-time for Lou? Living
all alone in that house with nobody around?

  "I gotta get to work." Callie lifts up Cat, who's been on her lap all through breakfast. "I'll see you later, Cat. Have a good day."

  "You never told me why you named him Cat."

  "I didn't name him. Ben did. He was really little when we got Cat and he didn't know many words so he just called him Cat and it stuck and soon we were all calling him Cat." She opens the screen door and goes inside, setting him down.

  I walk her to the front door. "Are you hosting dinner tonight?"

  She smiles. "I guess I could. Any requests?"

  I lean down, my lips brushing her ear as I answer, "You. Wearing next to nothing. Waiting for me at the front door."

  Her breath catches and my lips move to her mouth and I kiss her once, then twice, and because I love kissing her, I do it once more. When I back away, she's breathing fast, her eyes on mine.

  I smile at her. "Oh. Did you mean requests for dinner?"

  "Um...yeah," she says, breathless.

  "Anything's fine. I don't care. I like everything you make. I take hold of her shoulders and turn her around toward the door, then kiss her cheek. "Have fun at work."

  She walks out the door and back to her house in a total daze. It makes me laugh. That kiss took her by surprise and totally violated our professional relationship. But by her response to the kiss, I'm thinking Callie might be ready to forget the professional relationship and resume where we left off a few weeks ago.

  By the afternoon, I'm feeling pretty damn good. I've got my country music blasting, a warm breeze blowing through the windows, and two fresh coats of paint up on the kitchen walls. But the best part is that the girl I love will be here any minute and then I'll get to have dinner with her and maybe we'll fall asleep on her couch again.

  I never felt this way about Marissa, which should've been a clue she wasn't right for me. But before Callie, I'd never felt this way about a girl and didn't know I could.

  My phone rings as I'm sitting at the kitchen table, admiring the completed room. I reach over and turn down my music and answer the phone.

  "Hello?"

  "Is this Nash?" It's a woman's voice.

  "Yeah, who's this?"

  "It's Tammy Klayton. You called me the other day. Left a message."

  "Yeah." I stand up, holding the phone closer to my ear. "Thanks for calling me back."

  "Your message said you're looking for Donna?"

  "Yes. Do you know where she is?" My heart's pounding as I walk to the other side of the kitchen.

  "No. We haven't spoken since she left. That was ten years ago."

  "Do you have any idea where she went?"

  "She moved to Omaha. Her husband got a job there."

  Husband. So she got married and changed her name. I figured that's why I couldn't find her.

  "Do you know her husband's name?"

  "Dale Zellis. I only remember that because he dated my sister back in high school. So why are you looking for Donna?"

  "She's my..." I clear my throat, "my mom."

  "Donna didn't have any children when I knew her," she says suspiciously, like she thinks I'm some psycho stalking her friend. "And if she had one in the past ten years, it'd be a kid. It wouldn't be—"

  "She had me a long time ago when she was dating my dad."

  "Oh. So you're saying she took off?"

  "She left when I was a baby, and I haven't heard from her since."

  "I'm sorry. That's a shame. But I guess I could see that happening. Donna was kind of flighty. She liked to do her own thing, not be tied down. It wouldn't surprise me if she ended up divorcing Dale."

  "I'm guessing you don't have any contact info for Dale or my mom."

  "No. Sorry."

  "It's okay. At least I have a name. Thanks for calling me back."

  "Sure thing. Good luck finding her."

  I end the call and get my laptop and sit at the kitchen table, searching for a Donna Zellis who lives in Nebraska. Nothing comes up for Donna, but Dale Zellis does. It says he's a mechanic at a garage in Omaha. So he's still there, but is my mom still married to him?

  There's a phone number for the garage so I call it. It rings forever before someone finally answers. "Five Star Car Repair," a woman says. "How can I help you?"

  "I'd like to speak with Dale Zellis. Is he available?"

  "He's currently servicing a vehicle. Is this about your car or is this a personal call?"

  "It's a personal call."

  "Our mechanics can only take personal calls during breaks."

  "Could you take down my number and have him call me?"

  She agrees, and I give her my name and number. Then I hang up and wait. My stomach's in knots, my chest tightening. I'm thinking this may have been a bad idea. I'm not prepared for what I might find out. I didn't think it'd be this easy to find her, and maybe it's not. Maybe she left Dale and he doesn't know where she went.

  As I'm nervously waiting, Callie walks in, already changed out of her work uniform and wearing a white tank top and denim mini skirt. Shit, she looks hot, and given my earlier request, I think she wore that outfit just for me. If I wasn't so distracted waiting for this call, I'd set her on my lap and slide my hand up her gorgeous legs and see how far she'd let it go.

  "Hey." She comes over and sits across from me at the table. "What are you doing?"

  I hold up my phone. "Waiting for a phone call."

  "From who?"

  "My mom's husband. Or it could be an ex-husband. I'm not sure yet."

  She leans forward. "Wait—what? You found your mom?"

  "I found the guy she was married to ten years ago. I don't know if they're still married. I got the guy's name from my mom's former co-worker but she hasn't talked to my mom in ten years so—" My phone rings and I answer it, my heart pounding. "This is Nash."

  "Nash, this is Dale Zellis. Someone said you called."

  "Yeah." I glance at Callie, who looks as nervous as I feel. "I'm looking for Donna. Someone said you're her husband?"

  "Who is this?"

  "Nash Wheeler. I'm her..." I pause. "I'm her son."

  "She didn't have a son. You must have the wrong Donna."

  So my mom never told anyone about me. Not even her husband. Did she ever think of me? Wonder how I'm doing? Or did she completely forget about me?

  "She had me a long time ago, back when she was living in Chicago. She wasn't married. She was dating my dad, and after I was born, she took off."

  "Huh. She never told me about a kid." He sounds like he doesn't believe me. "But she did say she lived in Chicago after high school."

  "So you two are divorced?"

  "No." I wait for him to say more, but he doesn't.

  "Then could you give me a number where I could reach her? I'm not trying to interfere with your lives. I just want to meet her, even if it's only over the phone."

  The phone is silent, and then, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Donna died last October. She had a brain aneurysm and died soon after it happened."

  I let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.

  "You still there?" he asks.

  "Yeah." I set my hand back on the table and Callie reaches over and holds it. "I just wasn't expecting you to tell me she died. She wasn't very old."

  Callie squeezes my hand and I glance up and see the pained expression on her face.

  "The doctors said aneurysms can happen at any age," Dale says. "They weren't sure what caused it."

  "Well, I'm very sorry for your loss."

  "I'm doing a lot better now that it's been almost a year."

  "Did you two have any children?"

  "No. She never wanted children."

  That explains her disinterest in me.

  "Did her father come to the funeral?"

  "He showed up but he didn't stay. Donna and him never got along. He'd call her about once a month, but she'd either fight with him or wouldn't talk to him."

  "Do you have any idea why?"
>
  "She wouldn't tell me. But now that you're saying you're her kid, I'm thinking maybe they were fighting about you."

  "Why would you say that?"

  "Sometimes I'd overhear parts of their conversations and Donna would be yelling at her dad, saying she'd never go back to Chicago, and that if he went, she'd never speak to him again. I couldn't figure out what the hell was in Chicago."

  I was in Chicago. Her son. And she didn't want to see me, and didn't want her father coming to see me either.

  "I gotta get back to work," he says. "My break's almost over."

  "Yeah, okay. Thanks for your help."

  "Sure. And hey, I'm sorry about Donna. She just wasn't the motherly type. Not all women are, you know?"

  "Yeah. Thanks again for letting me know."

  I set the phone down and rub my hands over my face, taking long, deep breaths.

  "Nash, I'm sorry." Callie's standing beside me.

  I scoot my chair back and pull her onto my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head on my shoulder.

  "When did it happen?" she asks.

  "Last October. He said she died from a brain aneurysm."

  "Did she have other kids?"

  "No. Apparently she never wanted them...including the one she had."

  Callie sits up and looks at me. "I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted to meet her."

  "Knowing what she thought of me, I'm glad I never did. That woman may have given birth to me, but she's not my mother. Barb was. And as for my dad...I have even more respect for him now. He was my age, and this woman just left him with a kid. An infant. I always thought maybe she tried to come back over the years to see me and that he told her to stay away. But it turns out she never wanted to see me again. She didn't even tell her husband about me. It's like I didn't exist."

  Callie looks down, running her hand over my chest in a soft, soothing way. "Why does life have to be so unfair?"

  "It's not always unfair. Sometimes it surprises you and gives you something good to make up for all the bad shit you had to go through. Something really good, that makes it all worth it."