Unveiling Chaos

by Allison,Jeannine

  Tapping the paper, I began thinking about how I’d work this, how I’d gently bring her around to the idea of a relationship. I could tell Naomi wanted control. It was in the way she carried herself, in the way she spoke, and in the way she kissed. Every time I had pushed, she pushed back a little harder and held on a little tighter. She was begging for more of it, which was how I knew that eventually she would come around to the idea. I just needed to give her time.

  Naomi wasn’t ready yet. But I didn’t mind waiting, after all… good things come to those who wait.

  “Naomi. Wake up.” A hand gripped my shoulder and gently shook until I opened my eyes.

  “Mommy?” I asked as I squinted into the darkness.

  “Yeah, baby, it’s me.” She stroked my hair as I adjusted my princess nightgown.

  “Are you okay? Did you have bad dreams?” I asked, suddenly worried. The only time I ever woke anyone up in the middle of the night was because of bad dreams.

  My mommy gave me a soft smile before bending down to kiss my forehead. “No, sweetie. I have that beautiful dreamcatcher you made me, remember? I don’t have bad dreams anymore.”

  Sucking my bottom lip into my mouth, I mumbled, “Derek said they’re stupid and that they don’t work.”

  Her smile stayed as bright as ever. “Derek’s just jealous because you didn’t make him one.” I frowned as I thought about it. Ms. Sanders said I only had time to make one. I would have made him one, but she didn’t let me. I opened my mouth to tell her when she stood up and held out her hand.

  “C’mon,” she whispered. I eagerly took her hand and let her pull me from my bed, my long purple gown falling to my feet and dragging on the floor.

  “Where are we going?” I asked excitedly.

  “Shh… we have to be quiet. We don’t want to wake up Derek.”

  My brows pulled down with my frown. “Why isn’t Derek coming? Is he still mad I didn’t make him a dreamcatcher?”

  Mommy turned around and dropped to her knees as she laughed quietly and hugged me. “No, sweet girl,” she whispered into my hair. “This is a girls only trip. It’s a special trip for me and my favorite daughter.”

  “I’m your only daughter.” I pushed her back with a giggle. We were silent as we tiptoed down the hall and into the kitchen before slipping out the back door. She pulled me toward our hammock in the corner of our tiny yard before she let go of my hand and climbed on. I stood there for only a second before lifting my arms, waiting for her to lift me.

  “You can lift yourself, sweetie.”

  “I like it when you do it.”

  Mommy’s smile looked a little sad. “I won’t always be around. You’re going to have to be able to take care of yourself.”

  My eyes got big and filled with tears. “Where are you going? Are you leaving like Daddy did? Is it because I forget to put my toys in the chest? Or because I didn’t make Derek a dreamcatcher? I wanted to but the teacher wouldn’t let me. I promise I wanted to. Please don’t go.”

  Her smile completely fell as she quickly leaned down and picked me up, hugging me tightly to her chest. “Mommy’s not going anywhere, sweetie. I’m sorry I said that.” She rocked me in her arms and held my head to her shoulder.

  “P-promise?” I asked as my tears fell.

  “I promise.” We were quiet after that and I felt myself slowly fall asleep. I struggled to keep my eyes open, not wanting to miss a single moment of our special trip, even if it was just to our backyard.

  “I’m sorry, Naomi.” I opened my mouth but she kept talking, almost like I wasn’t there or she didn’t think I could hear anymore. “You deserve so much better than me, but I’m trying. I need you to know I’m trying, and one day I’ll be better. I’ll be clean. I p-promise.” I only heard two more words before I was completely pulled under by sleep…

  “One day.”

  I woke with a start. The laughter and whispers coming from the kitchen were a complete contradiction to the pain flaring in my chest.

  “Gabe,” Alara hissed. “Be quiet. Naomi’s still asleep.”

  I slowly sat up as I rubbed my hands down my face. The noise had returned to a level of indistinguishable sounds until Alara—at least I hoped it was Alara—let out a very high-pitched yelp.

  “What did I just say?” My roommate’s question was laced with a strange combination of annoyance and affection.

  “What? You’re the one making all the noise.” I held my hand against my mouth, holding back a small smile. He was right, that had been the first time I distinctively heard Gabe’s voice.

  “That’s not tr—”

  “I love you,” Gabe abruptly cut her off, both of them having abandoned their inside voices. I could imagine her smile and the look in his eyes that said there’s no one else for me, and I had to close my eyes against the pain that scene caused. I was happy for Alara, I truly was, but her newfound joy just cemented the fact that I was now alone. And not just alone, but maybe even a little bit lonely. I hadn’t realized all the small things I’d miss about having a boyfriend. The tiny reassurances about life that I didn’t necessarily need but were still nice to hear, the soft goodbye kisses that held no heat but so much affection, or the strong arms that held me close but didn’t hold me down.

  And even though my mother had reentered my life, something that should have filled me with more love and made me less lonely, I found it only exacerbated my loneliness. My dream highlighted that fact perfectly as the pressure on my chest intensified.

  One day…

  I had held on to those two words for years, probably for a lot longer than I should have. It had been a nice thought, but her one day never came. I remembered sitting on the couch the day Derek explained to me what drug addiction was for the first time. I remembered crying when he told me that our mother had it. I remembered asking myself what I could have done differently or how I could have made her life less stressful.

  I never found an answer.

  Well, that wasn’t true. I found one. It just wasn’t an answer anybody liked, including myself. My answer became to blame her. Maybe because it was the easiest thing to do, or maybe because I was too blinded by my own hurt, I really didn’t know. But now it felt like I was too deep in my anger and hate to ever come out of it.

  It hadn’t been a hard and fast decision; I’d slowly built a resentment to her addiction. Until one day it all fell down on me, completely solidifying my anger.

  I was sixteen when I found my mother being loaded into an ambulance because of an overdose. That was the day I truly realized how much I blamed her, how much I could hate her.

  I had come home with a huge smile on my face, bursting at the seams to tell my mom that Caleb, my best friend of five years, had finally asked me out. And not just out, but to prom. All our friends had been planning to go as a group, forgoing the need for dates and all the stress that came with it. I hadn’t been over-the-moon about it, but Caleb would still be there, so I was happy enough.

  I had been saving up for months, for the dress, the dinner, and the limo. I had planned on making Caleb realize he couldn’t live without me that night, so, yes, most of the money was going to a ridiculously priced dress. But it had been so damn pretty and I hadn’t allowed myself many extravagances in life, making it easier to justify.

  But the second Caleb pulled me aside and asked me to go with him, away from all our friends, for just the two of us to have a special night together, I thought I’d died. That was how happy I’d been. It made me especially excited to go pick up the dress.

  When I came home to an ambulance, all the excitement drained out of me as pure terror took hold. It seemed stupid in hindsight, but an overdose hadn’t even crossed my mind. Out of all the horrible images I conjured up, the most likely explanation had been nowhere on the list. But the second Derek raced out of the house, his wild and terrified eyes locking on mine, and told me she OD’ed, I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t care. I couldn’t worry. After all, she clearly
hadn’t.

  The indifference was completely blown away when I walked inside and discovered she’d stolen everything I had saved up. Any money I’d had lying around. It was all gone. I gave her up that day. I mean, I hadn’t had much of a choice since she’d been sentenced to prison for the next twelve months. It would have been longer if she hadn’t sold out several of her big-time dealers. I wasn’t sure how it all worked at the time, but ten months later she was released for good behavior. Thank God Derek had been over eighteen and able to take care of me while she had been locked up.

  When she got out, I still tried. I would see her once a week, and I called her three or four times between visits. And I always made sure to keep my snarkiness to a minimum.

  But when I caught her high in her apartment only two months after being released, I fucking lost it. I screamed and cried, I don’t even remember what I said to be honest, but she got the point. I had come over to invite her to my graduation that was in a few weeks. It was a stupid idea and I left, chucking the invitation on the floor before slamming the door.

  No matter how many times I’d said I was done, it didn’t take a psychologist to figure out that leaving behind that invitation meant I still wanted her there. So when she didn’t show up, I really was done. When she tried to apologize, I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her.

  Her attempts continued after that horrible day for almost four years. Phone calls, cards, letters… until two years ago when it just stopped. I didn’t know why and I didn’t care. I’d had Derek, Alara, Sherry, and Caleb—I hadn’t needed her.

  Years later and I still struggled to say that; I could only hope that one day I would believe it completely. The irony of that last part wasn’t lost on me.

  One day.

  …

  Gabe left around noon, my roommate and I having decided to make today a “girls’ day.” Alara was just hanging up her phone when she walked in and dropped onto my bed. “Sam will be over soon. What about Sherry?”

  Shaking my head, I said, “She can’t make it.” Alara frowned, but nodded. We knew how busy Sher was, even if we didn’t always know what exactly she was doing. And we were used to her vague answers and half-truths, so eventually we stopped asking what she was doing, and we definitely stopped expecting she would spontaneously tell us.

  When Sam arrived ten minutes later, the three of us immediately launched into a debate about what we should do. I wanted to go out and interact with the world, but I must’ve gone temporarily insane if I thought Alara and Sam would be up for that.

  “I’ve already talked to, like, three people today,” Alara whined. I raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

  “Are those three people Gabe, Sam, and me?”

  Alara’s cheeks turned a slight pink, but she crossed her arms and nodded confidently. “Yeah, so what? Interacting is interacting. And I have a feeling people are going to be annoying today.”

  I opened my mouth to respond to her asinine comment when Sam said, “People were really annoying today. I’ve been among them since eight o’clock so I can confirm it.”

  “Among them?” I laughed and shook my head, getting comfortable because yeah, there was no way we were going out. “You guys do realize you’re a part of the human race, too, right?”

  They both chuckled as Sam removed her shoes and Alara, with a smile, made more room for her on the couch.

  “Now what?”

  “We could watch TV?” Sam suggested. “I just starting watching this show on Netflix. How I Met—”

  I growled, not letting her finish. Alara laughed as Sam’s brows furrowed. “If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about… it’s… I can’t even…”

  Alara chuckled, drawing Sam’s gaze. “It’s a sensitive subject. She hates it.”

  I gasped. “Hates it? HATES it? That’s putting it mildly, Alara.”

  Gabe’s sister shrugged and began picking at an imaginary piece of lint on the couch. “I kinda like it, it seems funny.”

  “And that’s what makes it so horrible.” I sat up straighter. “They get you to love it and then they fucking ruin it.” Alara sighed and opened her mouth to respond when I leaned over the armrest of my chair and slapped my hand over her mouth. “No, don’t even. You know I’m right. It’s called. Character. Development.” Alara swatted at my hand, forcing me to remove it and sit back down. “They took all the character development in that show and crapped all over it. I mean—”

  “Hey!” Alara snapped her fingers. “Spoilers. Sam just started.”

  I glared and crossed my arms over my chest. Alara rolled her eyes and said, “I promise I’ll let you rant about it for half an hour when she leaves.” She lifted her brows in question.

  I rubbed my chin as I thought it over, and after a couple of seconds I asked, “An hour?”

  We continued bartering until it was decided I would get forty-five minutes of ranting. Sam sat there the entire time with impossibly high eyebrows and her mouth slightly agape.

  The rest of the day continued in a similar fashion. Sam being a nice, normal and sane person, while I said one ridiculous thing after another.

  And I almost… almost forgot everything else.

  I looked at Alara as she and Sam laughed about something, guilt gnawing at my stomach.

  When Damien had asked me for a FWB relationship last night, I was a little stunned. Our one-night stand had been the most impulsive thing I’d ever done. But despite how unnerved I felt afterward, I couldn’t deny I was attracted to him. And I couldn’t overlook the fact that when I needed comfort, he was the one I went to. So when I couldn’t think of any reason not to, I’d agreed. His smile had been blinding, and I’d quickly left before I read too much into why he was so happy. I didn’t need any false delusions about what was happening between us.

  But at the same time I couldn’t truthfully say it was just sex. Because even in its infancy I could see there was something in Damien I needed. I just had to hope it wasn’t a lifetime kind of need, and that when all was said and done, I could walk away whole.

  We’d been seeing each other for two weeks. Two glorious weeks filled with absolutely mind-blowing sex. Every time Damien kissed me, he owned me. It was amazing how he could be so dominating and yet it never felt forced. I never felt like he was disrespecting me or only worrying about himself; rather, he seemed to know what I wanted before I did and he merely led me there.

  We were lying in each other’s arms after a particularly exhausting round, not speaking or moving, just existing. I smiled as he lightly ran his fingers over my back, always pausing when he neared my ass. My phone chimed, breaking me out of the daze I was in and reminding me that we shouldn’t do this. We shouldn’t cuddle. We shouldn’t bask in the aftermath of a fantastic fuck. We shouldn’t talk about our days or share our dreams for the future. But I had been too tired to move and Damien didn’t seem to be in a hurry to kick me out of his bed.

  Regretfully, I crawled out of his hold, shivering as his fingers ghosted across my skin until they dropped. Sitting at the end of the bed and clutching his sheet to my chest, I dug around in my purse until I found my phone.

  Derek: Heard you “spoke” to Mom.

  I frowned before typing out a quick reply.

  Me: You should be happy I didn’t ignore her call.

  Derek: **unimpressed face** You didn’t know it was her.

  Me: Then you should be happy I didn’t hang up on her.

  Derek: Jesus, do you want a gold fucking star for not hanging up on your mother?

  Okay, when he put it that way, it sounded pretty bad.

  Me: What do you want?

  Derek: To know what the hell happened.

  Me: She didn’t tell you anything?

  Derek: I doubt she told me the truth considering she made you sound reasonable and polite.

  Ughhh… I really didn’t need this right now. I could still feel all the places Damien had touched me, all the ways he had kissed me, all the—okay, this was t
oo weird to think about while I was still texting my brother. Without responding, I tossed the phone back in my bag before turning around and facing Damien.

  He was stretched out on the bed, completely naked, and judging by the way he had his arms crossed behind his head, completely unashamed. My eyes started at his feet as they made their way up his tattoo-free legs, dusted with dark hair that had been scratching against my thighs only twenty minutes earlier. His dick rested against his thigh and the longer I stared, the harder it became. Quickly bypassing his toned abs and the tattoo on his chest, my gaze landed on his. Damien’s blue eyes radiated amusement, with a hint of longing underneath. I looked at his full beard and tousled hair that was hanging around his face, and imagined him between my legs, his tongue buried so deep—

  “Who was that?” he asked.

  “My brother.” I saw his slightly tense shoulders relax as he held out his hand. I only hesitated for a moment before I let him pull me toward him, quickly settling me against his side once more. He brought his hand up and cupped the back of my head before gently massaging my scalp.

  “Hmm… that feels nice,” I mumbled as my eyes drifted shut and tingles exploded down my spine. I could stay here for just a couple minutes, there’d be no harm in that, right?

  “What’s your brother’s name?” he asked softly.

  “Derek.”

  “Just the one?”

  I nodded against his chest. “No sisters either.”

  “Is he older or younger?”

  “Older. Twenty-four.” He could have asked me anything in that moment and I would have told him. There was just something so nice about having your hair played with—it felt intimate and divine. My chest felt warm as he continued. I hadn’t felt this content in a very long time.