Gabe and Alara didn’t notice because they were too wrapped up in each other. Sam was also clueless because she was watching her brother and my roommate with a kind of envy that made my heart hurt for her. And even though I had thought their crushes on each other were small and “cute,” I was starting to wonder if it’d be such a bad thing for my brother and Sam to get together. They were both single and clearly into each other.
I looked over to see Sherry glancing between them before looking back at her phone, a small, secretive smile in place. What the hell? Did she know something I didn’t? It was possible. Sherry and Derek had always been close. So close I used to think they were hooking up, but I could see a little clearer now that they were just very open with each other and had no problem making sexually charged jokes at the other’s expense. I was pretty sure I fueled it by getting annoyed all the time.
My brother gave up and finally looked over at Sam. I saw his breath catch, and when she gazed over at him with a smile, he walked over to join her.
She was sitting straight up on the couch with her hands in her lap, tilted slightly in Derek’s direction, while he had one arm resting on his leg and the other—the one closet to Sam—bent and propped on the back of the couch. Occasionally his hand would twitch like he wanted to reach over and touch her.
I looked at my five friends and suddenly felt like I was missing out on a very big part of life. It had never bothered me before, the fact that I wasn’t in love with Caleb. But these past few weeks with Damien… even just a glimpse of what it could feel like made me realize how foolish I’d been. To think that life could be lived without love.
I could see it in all five of them. In Alara and Gabe as they looked at each other like there was nowhere else they’d rather be. In Derek and Sam, who looked at each other with the promise of what loving each other could bring. Even in Sherry, who clearly had been hurt, I could see she had no regrets. That whoever she loved, she loved with all her heart.
It hurt to think I’d settled for Caleb. It hurt to think I’d ever thought my relationship with Damien was casual. And it really hurt to think it might all be over.
I hung up for the fourth time. Naomi still wasn’t answering my calls. I groaned in frustration and dragged one hand down my face. It had been a little over a week and I still hadn’t spoken to her. Between work, Ellie, and her ignoring most of my texts and all of my calls, I wasn’t having much luck. But today I would make her talk to me.
“Hey.” Ellie’s voice was quiet as she finished arranging the table and wiped her palms on her long dark gray dress. I smiled as I looked her over; she looked healthy and happy, even as she nervously fidgeted.
My smile disappeared as I thought about how we never really talked about the fight we’d had. I had two apologies to make, but I had only been focusing on one. Sighing, I dropped into the chair and picked up my fork.
“Ellie. You know, we never really resolved anything—”
“It’s okay,” she said quickly. “Honestly. It’s forgotten. I just want to enjoy breakfast.” I looked over to see her smiling, not a bit of it forced, so I let it go, knowing she’d prefer it.
“I bought some pregnancy magazines,” she announced after a few minutes of silence.
“That’s really great. You excited for your appointment in a couple of days?”
She smiled. “Yup.” It faltered slightly before she said, “I could only make it during the middle of the day. Do you think it’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, I already talked to Claire about it, she said no problem.”
We had just finished eating and I was taking our plates to the sink, when Ellie called my name.
“Yeah?” I kept my gaze forward and began scrubbing our plates.
“I’m sorry.” When I turned around, she was biting her lip and playing with the drawstrings that gathered in the middle of her dress.
With a furrowed brow, I asked, “For what?”
“That you and your new girlfriend are fighting.” I froze and Ellie rushed to finish. “I know you’ve been trying to hide her…” She trailed off.
“It’s not because of you.”
“So, why didn’t you want her to meet me?” she questioned softly.
Blowing out a hard breath, I stepped forward and squatted in front of her chair. “Because it’s complicated. She thinks we’re just sleeping together,” I said, the words feeling like bitter ash in my mouth. “I thought it would freak her out if I tried to introduce you guys.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You don’t just sleep with people. You don’t even date people.”
“And now I remember why. It sucks sometimes,” I grumbled.
“D…”
“Don’t worry. I’m not giving up, she just needs time.” I placed a kiss on her cheek and stood up. I moved to turn back and finish the dishes, when her hand shot out and grabbed my wrist.
“I found a group,” she rushed out.
“What?”
She was nodding rapidly as she stood up and a smile spread across her face. “Yeah. I found a support group. I already went to a meeting and I have a sponsor and everything.” Ellie spoke quickly and for once, when her eyes flitted across my face to gauge my reaction, her smile didn’t immediately dim in preparation for disappointment.
I pulled her into a tight hug and lifted her off the ground. “That’s great.” My voice sounded like I hadn’t used it in years. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks,” she whispered. “I’m pretty proud of myself too.”
And that’s all that matters.
…
We could make this work. We would make this work. I just had to make her talk to me first.
When I reached her door, I knocked three times before stepping back and crossing my arms. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long.
Naomi looked completely unaffected as she stood in the doorway. “What’s up?” she asked.
“I came to talk about what happened last week.”
“Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.” I sighed, slightly exasperated and way out of my depth. It had been a long time since I let my emotions control me like I had the other day. As I struggled with what to say, she asked, “Are we done here?” Not even waiting for my answer, she moved to shut the door. But I gripped and forcefully shoved it open before stepping inside.
Throwing her a sharp glare, I said, “No. And I call bullshit. Do not pretend you’re not mad at me.”
“I’m not. I’m indifferent.” Naomi straightened and pulled back her shoulders. I would have laughed if I wasn’t so annoyed. I slammed the door shut and stalked toward her, taking pleasure in the way her eyes briefly flickered with excitement. “Bull. Shit,” I repeated before claiming her mouth. She froze for a moment and returned the kiss for two-point-seven seconds before ripping her mouth from mine.
“Get—”
“I’m sorry,” I interrupted, sincerity dripping from my words as my eyes flickered between hers.
“How nice for you,” she replied automatically, only to freeze when she really took in my words and the emotion behind them. Her mouth screwed up as she tried to decide how to play this. Whether she was going to forgive me or continue to pretend like she wasn’t affected, and when she pulled her shoulders back even more, I knew it was going to be the latter.
“Apology accepted. But like I said, it’s really no big deal. You were right, we were just having some fun. But I think it’d be a good idea if we stopped.”
“I don’t want that. I—”
She laughed, cutting me off. And this time it was carefree and unaffected, such a contradiction to earlier that I could almost believe that was how she really felt if it weren’t for the hurt in her eyes. “I don’t know why you’re concerned. You could have anyone you want, couldn’t you?” she taunted as she raised an eyebrow.
“Naomi,” I growled, working hard to stay calm. “I never said that.”
“It was implied.”
I counted to five before sp
eaking. “The fuck it was. I wasn’t even thinking that. You know there’s been no one else. You know I don’t want anyone else.”
She seemed a little defeated as her shoulders dropped and she walked around me toward the door. Naomi was still facing away from me as she opened it and said, “I know, okay? That was my own distorted thought. I believe you and I accept you’re sorry. But—”
“No buts,” I said resolutely as I walked forward and spun her around. “Look…” I started evasively. “Something happened with Ellie that day and—”
“Oh God, is she okay? Is the baby okay?”
I blinked, surprised by her concern for my sister even though they’d never met. “Yeah, they’re both fine. It was nothing like that.”
Naomi let out a breath of relief. “Okay, good.” She smiled softly, but it quickly fell when she took in our intimate position. Naomi cleared her throat and slowly moved back until we were no longer touching. “Look, I get it. You were upset and it had nothing to do with me. You just used me as a metaphorical punching bag.” I growled, more angry with myself than her words, because she was right. “But I’m really okay. We’re good,” she said dismissively.
“I don’t want to be fucking good.” I shook my head, trying to think of what to say to convince her. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. No, not a thought. A feeling. One she had to be feeling too. “This doesn’t feel like the end, does it?”
Her eyes appeared thoughtful and with a reluctant shake of her head, she softly said, “No it doesn’t. But I think I need some time. Because even though there was a reason for you to act the way you did, that doesn’t mean it takes away the pain…” She trailed off and coughed over the word before finishing. “I mean, all the feelings. Before that happened I’d decided—”
“What?” I pleaded when she abruptly stopped.
“Doesn’t matter,” she muttered while shaking her head. And I knew, I just fucking knew what she had decided before I became the world’s biggest jackass. She had wanted to take this further than sex. Something I’d been hoping for since the very beginning.
“I can give you time.” I paused as her eyes flashed with temporary relief. “But I won’t give you much.”
…
I wasn’t one for road rage, but apparently my mood was all over the place lately. And as I sat on the 101 stuck in traffic while I casually poked along, all I felt was rage. I wasn’t mad at any one on the road, everyone was moving as fast as they could with a six-car pileup reported several miles down the highway. But as I tightly gripped the steering wheel, I was silently stewing about the situation I found myself in. I was running late and while in the grand scheme of things that wasn’t a big deal, right then, with the accumulation of not hearing from Naomi in the two days since our talk and me constantly worrying about Ellie, it felt like the biggest deal. Never mind the fact that I hated running late, period.
My eyes were glued to the clock on the center console, like I could will it to move slower. After five minutes passed and I’d only moved ten feet, I knew I had to accept I wouldn’t make it. On time or otherwise.
Cursing, I picked up my phone and dialed Ellie.
“Hey, D. Are you almost home?” I could hear the nervousness in her voice.
“Ellie, there’s a huge pileup and I’m stuck in traffic. I’m not gonna be able to make it.”
“Oh.” How could a single word break my heart? “Okay. I’ll just take the bus. Be careful.”
“No,” I practically shouted. “You are not taking the bus.”
She was quiet for a moment. “I can’t cancel.”
“I know. I know. Just gimme a minute.” There were many solutions, but only one person came to mind. “Stay put. I’ll call you right back.” I hung up without waiting for a response and quickly dialed the next number. She didn’t pick up. And while it was possible she was busy or she hadn’t heard it, I had a feeling she just didn’t want to talk to me yet. Despite that, I called back two more times so she knew it was important. Naomi wasn’t a petty person, she wasn’t holding back to be stubborn this time. She was holding back because she was hurt and scared, even if she couldn’t admit it.
But I knew she was the kind of person who came through for people she cared about.
“Damien, is everything okay?” she asked by way of greeting when she picked up on the first ring of the fourth call.
“I need your help.”
Not hesitating for a second, Naomi asked, “What do you need?”
Ellie nervously twisted her hands in her lap. I looked over and offered her a warm smile, hoping to make her more comfortable. She glanced in my direction and gave me a timid nod in return, clearly still stressed.
“Whatever he said is a lie.”
“What?” she asked, a little shock to her voice.
“Damien. Whatever he told you about me that’s making you so afraid… it’s a lie.” I grinned again in her direction and this time was rewarded with a—small but less insecure—smile. She blushed and turned toward the front again, but was able to shake out her hands and keep them relaxed, resting them against her baby blue bohemian skirt.
“He hasn’t said much of anything. I didn’t even know your name until ten minutes ago.” Damien’s sister laughed but I had trouble returning the sentiment. An ache formed in my chest with the knowledge I hadn’t been brought up. Alara and Gabe had met him, hell, he even had breakfast with them. I thought back to how I had to sneak out when Ellie was home. It hadn’t felt like a big deal then, but after spending a couple weeks with him, the fact she didn’t even know my name hurt a lot more than it should have. Because honestly, it shouldn’t have hurt at all. We had been sleeping together. The end. And I was mad at him right now, wasn’t I? So why did any of this matter?
It mattered because I was a dumb twat who liked Damien, but had been too much of a chickenshit to admit it.
“I mean I knew something was going on though…” She trailed off and when I quickly glanced at her, the nervousness she’d been wearing returned tenfold. “He’s been so different… really happy and just… I’m sorry.” Ellie blew out a breath like she was giving up as her head thumped against the headrest, her black tank top rising with her frustrated exhale. I wished I could mimic her action; I felt just as defeated and confused.
“It’s okay. We’re not… we’re not anything really,” I said in an effort to save face and make her feel less bad. She shouldn’t have felt bad. She spoke the truth, and Damien reaffirmed the true nature of our relationship by not telling her anything, it was me who was being stupid and confusing.
But he really sounded sorry the other day…
He had sounded like he wanted more…
Ugh… I HATE being a girl with a stupid girly brain.
“Damien never really talks to me about his personal life. We only talk about how screwed up I am. It wouldn’t be weird for him not to tell me he was dating someone,” she finished quietly. I gave her a small nod but otherwise stayed silent. The silence continued until we made it to the address she’d given me when she first got in the car. I moved to unbuckle my seat belt when her voice stopped me.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting out of the car?” I responded slowly.
“Why?”
“Sadly I haven’t mastered the ability of teleportation yet.”
She shook her head even as she grinned. “No, I mean… you don’t have to come in with me. Even if Damien—”
“I wouldn’t do something I didn’t want. Especially just because Damien said so. I’m coming in because I want to.”
Ellie bit her lip to cover her shy, warm smile. “You’re not someone to argue or mess with, are you?”
“Nope.” I finished unbuckling myself before reaching for the handle.
“Good. Damien could use that,” she said right before she stepped out of the car.
…
Ellie and I sat in the waiting room, listening for her name to be called.
“I’m rea
lly sorry my brother bothered you today. I could have easily taken the bus.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“It doesn’t even make sense. I always took the bus before and he didn’t care.”
I smiled. “You’re pregnant. It’s his job to worry and protect you. And sometimes that protection will include inane things like forbidding you from riding the bus.” She nodded thoughtfully as she stared ahead and twisted her hands in her lap.
“So how far along are you?”
“About sixteen weeks.” So… four months. Why did the existence of an embryo automatically change everyone’s perception of time from months to weeks? And then at birth from years to months?
“Hey, do me a favor?”
“Yeah?” she questioned slowly.
“When your little rugrat is born, after he turns one, please just refer to his age in years? I don’t think I’ll be able to be friends with you if you say he’s eighteen months old… he’s a year and a half… that’s honestly all you need to say.”
Ellie smiled and rubbed her stomach. “Will do.” She paused. “I think he’s a boy, too. Is that crazy?”
“Not at all,” I said honestly. “I think one of the biggest problems with society is giving too much credence to doctors. Don’t get me wrong, they are very knowledgeable. It’s not like I’m one of those crazies who hates them, thinks they’re all quacks, and disregards everything they say. But”—I brought my pointer finger up dramatically—“I also don’t think we should disregard what our own bodies tell us. There are tons of things science and medicine can’t explain. You have to balance trusting others with trusting yourself.”
“That makes sense.” She smiled as she batted her long, blonde hair out of her face. “That sounds like a good general life motto.”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
Unveiling Chaos Page 14
