Fuck this.
Naomi didn’t play games. I didn’t play games.
Why were we playing this one?
“Do you want to stay?” I asked.
“I—”
“I love you.” It flowed out naturally and before I’d even realized I was going to say it. Naomi’s head snapped back, her lips parted and eyes wide with shock. “From the very first time I saw you, even when I was being a jackass, there was just something about you. I’ve felt it since the beginning,” I said calmly. “I want you to stay. Even if I shouldn’t. Even if asking you makes me a bastard.”
She slowly shook her head. “But… you said… you said it was just meaningless sex. You said you didn’t want a relationship either.” She didn’t sound angry, just confused.
“You were having meaningless sex,” I explained. “No, not even that’s right. You thought you were having meaningless sex. But did it ever really feel that way?” I paused and waited for her to confirm or deny it. When she didn’t, I trudged on. “Well regardless, it was never that way for me,” I finished softly as I continued to stare into her clear, brown eyes. “I didn’t want you to feel any pressure. I didn’t want to scare you away.”
“Was it that obvious?” She bit her lip.
“Yeah, sweetheart. It kinda was.” I smiled before leaning forward and freeing her lip with my thumb, gently rubbing the afflicted area.
“Why did you even want me?” She shook her head with a small laugh. “I thought I pissed you off half the time.”
“No, you didn’t. And even if you had, it wouldn’t have mattered. If every relationship was agreeable all the time, the human race would have died out a long time ago.” I smirked. But it quickly transformed into an affectionate smile as I stared at the girl I loved.
“The truth is you can be a pain in my ass, you’re sloppy, sometimes I think you disagree with me just for the sake of disagreeing, you’re sassy, you—”
“I get it.” She held up her hand. “I’m far from perfect.” But instead of being put out like most people, she smiled.
“And I love you,” I finished.
Her eyes misted with tears of joy, disappearing so quickly I wondered if I imagined them. “I love you, too.”
Nothing else was said as I attacked her with my mouth, sealing us together with a permanency I felt in the very core of who I was. The banging of pans in the kitchen and distant voices from the television disappeared as I lost myself in Naomi.
In her arms.
In her kiss.
In her love.
…
I pulled the blanket over Naomi before padding toward the door, a soft smile playing on my lips as I quietly left the room.
“Your eggs are cold,” my sister shouted. Ellie was sitting cross-legged on the couch, still bundled up, as she knitted.
“Jesus.” I walked over and turned the TV down. “Are you trying to make sure the kid can hear or something?”
“No,” she said. “I’m trying to make sure one of the first things he hears isn’t you and your girlfriend having sex.”
I smiled. I loved Naomi for so many reasons. But one of the big ones was how she was helping Ellie so much. Ellie would have never said something like that before. But Naomi was teaching her more than how to knit. She was showing her how to accept and love herself, something I’d struggled to help her with for years.
“Right.” Nodding, I moved toward the kitchen.
“Is it so hard to believe he could like me?”
I stopped dead, about-facing so fast I almost fell. It took me a few seconds to catch up. So much had happened between leaving Ellie out here an hour ago and now. But the last thing she’d been thinking of was her relationship with Grayson. “No, of course not.”
She frowned. “Then why do you think he’s just being nice to me? Oh God, has he said something to you? Have I been embarrassing myself?”
I cringed; all the progress I’d seen moments ago had vanished.
“He hasn’t said anything, Ells. I promise. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want you to be careful. You have a lot going on right now and I don’t want the stress to…”
It was like a lightbulb went off. “Oh. Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about it that way,” she said quietly before gazing down at her stomach. We both knew that a big reason she drank in high school was because of my parents and all the stress they put on her.
“You’re right,” she said even more softly. “It was a stupid idea.”
“It’s not. He’d be lucky to be with you.”
Ellie turned her head my way, defeat in her eyes and her sad smile. And that was when I knew Grayson had been right a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t making her better. In trying to protect her, I had solidified what my parents had instilled: that she wasn’t enough and she couldn’t handle her own life. I felt sick.
In trying to save her, I may have put her in even more danger of self-doubt. And maybe that had been the problem.
She didn’t need to be saved. Women, even fragile ones like Ellie, weren’t helpless creatures in need of rescuing. She could save herself.
I just needed to stand back, and let her.
I was sitting in my car with my acceptance letter in the front seat. I gripped the steering wheel one more time before opening the door and stepping onto the street. Letting my mother back into my life had been hard. But I didn’t regret it, because despite the mistakes she’d made, she was part of me. She was part of the reason I got accepted to law school; even though I hadn’t wanted to admit it, I wouldn’t be where I was today without her. She shaped my future, through her encouragement and her mistakes.
I wanted to tell her what she helped me achieve. I was excited to tell her.
I walked up her steps, a smile on my face and my future in my hand. As I knocked on her door, I let out a breath of relief. I was in such a different mindset than I was a month ago when I arrived on her doorstep for the first time.
Frowning when she didn’t answer, I swiveled my head and confirmed what I already knew. Her car was in the driveway. I tested the handle, finding it unlocked, and let myself in.
“Hello? Mom?” The house was dark, save for a light coming from the back hallway. I moved toward it slowly as a chill went down my spine. It seemed like years before I reached the entrance to the bathroom.
But it wasn’t years later.
In fact, it felt like the opposite. Like I was shoved back in time.
Except that wasn’t right either. I was still here, frozen. The world still turning as sunlight continued to slowly slip away. Finally, my gaze moved, focusing on the one thing I hadn’t let myself look at yet.
My eyes welled.
My stomach dropped.
And my heart broke.
“Mom?” my voice cracked as I rushed forward. I dropped to my knees beside her unconscious body. Her skin was abnormally pale and her lips were blue. My trembling fingers gripped her arm as I tried to shake her awake, and I shuddered at the cold feel of her skin. My eyes lost focus on the small bag of heroin on the ground. It didn’t look used and next to it was an almost empty bottle of gin.
“No, no, no, no.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her again “Mom? Please, Mom, can you hear me?” Several moments passed before I shook my head at how ridiculous I was being. Quickly pulling back, I checked her pulse. It was barely there, just a flutter, but it was there.
“Okay, okay,” I muttered to myself. I needed to pull myself together, none of this would help, it was impractical. The hollow spot on my chest, where my lucky charm necklace normally sat, felt like it was on fire.
“Jules?” Mark’s voice sounded from the front door I’d entered through moments before. “I saw Naomi’s car outside, is she—?”
“Mark!” I yelled. A second later, heavy footfalls echoed through the house. “Call 911.”
I looked up just as he skidded to a stop outside the door, his large, tattooed fingers clutching the frame. His face was pale
r than hers and his eyes were already blanketed with tears. As they fell, he came back to himself and moved forward to kneel beside me while taking his phone out of his back pocket.
“911, what’s your emergency?” I heard the operator say.
“I think my girlfriend’s overdosed,” he said as he gave a dismissive glance to her stash.
“Where are you?”
Mark quickly rattled off the address as he continued to stare at my mom in horror.
“Okay, sir, I’ve dispatched your location and paramedics are on the way. Can you tell me your name?”
“Mark.”
“And your girlfriend’s name?”
“Jules… Julie,” he stuttered out, her name sounding like a prayer coming from his lips.
“Is Julie conscious, sir?”
“N-no.” He started crying. Like, really, truly crying. This large, tattooed, bearded giant was practically blubbering on the bathroom floor.
“Is she breathing?”
“B-b-barely.”
“Okay, the paramedics are almost there. Does she have a history of drug abuse?”
Mark wailed, the phone shaking in his hand. His sobs were too great to provide her an answer. I grabbed the phone out of his hand to finish the call while Mark begged my mother to wake up.
“Jules. It’s me, babe. Please don’t leave me. I love you. I love you.” He sniffled as his hands gripped her face. “I forgive you. If you come back, I’ll always forgive you, you know that. Just… please.”
“Sir? Sir?”
My eyes were glued to her frozen form as I said, “Sorry, yes, I’m here. I’m her daughter and yes, she’s a long-term abuser of heroin.”
I didn’t remember the rest of the call. I didn’t remember anything of importance.
I remembered random things. The streaks on the bathroom mirror, like she had just cleaned it. The peeled label on the bottle of gin. The lower button missing on her blouse. The way her light blue jeans had frayed at the ends. The chip in the blue nail polish on her toes.
I remembered the spider wedged in the corner next to the toilet, and the dust that had collected under the counter.
I remembered her face looking peaceful.
I only remembered what I could see. I didn’t remember any of what I felt.
Probably because what I felt was nothing…
My mother was lying unconscious on her bathroom floor, and I felt nothing.
I knocked on her door, holding flowers in one hand and stuffing the other in my pocket. When no answer came, I frowned and checked my watch. Naomi went to tell her mother about her law school acceptance letters a couple of hours ago. She was sure she’d have plenty of time to make it back before our date.
Just as I was about to knock again, Alara answered, looking flustered and stressed. Her brows furrowed as she glanced between me and the peonies.
“What are you doing here?”
“Naomi and I had a date.” I looked over her shoulder to find Gabe walking toward us with a packed bag.
“She didn’t call you?” Her expression was one of shock and confusion.
My stomach dropped and my palms suddenly felt sweaty. “No, is she okay?” My slicked hands tightened on the stems as I stepped forward and looked for signs of her.
“She’s not here.” Alara glanced back at Gabe, who had stopped behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “We’re actually on our way to her. She’s at the hospital.” Naomi’s friend took a deep breath, looking close to tears, and opened her mouth to say more when I cut her off.
“She’s in the hospital?” I asked in a panic. I had thought all of my ups and downs with Ellie had prepared me for something like this. But I wasn’t prepared at all. I wasn’t—
“She’s okay. She’s not hurt,” Gabe quickly cut in before squeezing Alara’s shoulders and looking down at her. “Breathe.”
“Why’s she at the hospital?” I bit out, getting impatient. Gabe looked up at my cold tone and his eyes softened in sympathy.
“It’s her mom,” Alara said quietly as she looked down.
I stared at her in shock. And all I could think about was Ellie and what I’d feel if it were her in the hospital. All the air left my lungs and I squeezed the flowers harder as my hands shook.
“I’ll take these.” Gabe carefully pried them from my hand before walking away, and several seconds later, I heard water running.
“She’s still alive?” I asked with my eyes on the ground.
“Yeah, Naomi, uh… Naomi found her.” As Alara’s voice cracked, my eyes closed and I drew in several deep breaths.
“I’m coming with you,” I said when Gabe returned and picked up the duffle.
“We packed a bag for Naomi.” He held it up before crossing the threshold and grabbing Alara’s hand. “Wanna see if we missed anything?”
Nodding, I walked past them and down the hall until I reached Naomi’s room. The second I crossed the threshold, I looked to the dresser where Naomi kept her “lucky” necklace. I didn’t even need to open the box. It was lying right on top.
She’d been wearing it every day since she’d shown up drunk at Swerved. The only reason she was without it today was because Ellie and I had convinced her to go swimming last night and she didn’t want to lose it, so she left it behind. And after I told her I loved her this morning, there was no way she was leaving my side. She only left about two hours ago because she was finally ready to tell her mom about Yale and all the other schools she’d been accepted to.
I quickly grabbed it before stuffing it in my pocket and striding back to the living room where Gabe and Alara were waiting, whispering to each other.
“I’ll drive.”
They glanced at each other in concern and I saw Gabe subtly shake his head at Alara before handing me his keys. We were at the hospital in no time. I didn’t need to look at them to know my driving had probably scared them.
I threw the car into park before sprinting toward the entrance, not bothering to check where Alara or Gabe were. I was still catching my breath and looking around the lobby when they both came in behind me.
“Alara.” All three of us turned to see a distraught guy walking toward us.
Alara breathed a sigh of relief. “Derek,” she said as she stepped into his arms.
I watched Naomi’s brother as his eyes drifted shut, trying to catalogue all the similarities they shared. This was the first time I’d ever seen him, I wasn’t even sure he knew who I was. He slowly opened his eyes and let Alara go in order to shake Gabe’s hand.
“How is she doing?” Gabe asked.
“Stable.” He shrugged and shook his head. “Thanks for coming. We really appreciate it.”
“Of course,” they said in unison just as I asked, “Where’s Naomi?”
His eyes flew to mine, like he just realized I was there. He gave me a slow once-over. “You Damien?”
I gave him a quick nod before repeating, “Where’s Naomi?”
He cringed as he looked past me. “She’s uhh… in the cafeteria… finishing up this final project she has.”
“She’s doing homework?” Gabe’s brows rose in confusion and a little bit of annoyance, while Derek worked hard to keep his face impassive. I wasn’t surprised—Naomi seemed exactly like the type of person to shut down and avoid this kind of pain. What was strange was that I had known her the least amount of time, yet how was I the only one who understood this about her? I looked up to find Alara staring at me as Gabe and Derek continued discussing Naomi’s “weird” behavior. After she gave me a quick nod to a corner a few feet away, I followed, immediately noticing that the confusion in the other two was nowhere to be found in Alara’s eyes.
“She’s not heartless.”
Nodding, I crossed my arms. “I know that. She’s scared.”
Alara’s eyebrows rose in surprise as she quickly looked at her boyfriend and Naomi’s brother. “Oh,” she murmured.
“I’m gonna go find her, okay?” I stated it as a
question even though I had already started walking away.
“Just… don’t take anything personally,” she called out, only to walk toward me when she realized people were looking her way. “She gets weird when her mom’s involved.” She shrugged as she wrapped her arms around herself.
“Naomi doesn’t even remember her dad, and her mom, well… she did a lot of shitty things. But I think this thing with Caleb has messed her up more than she realizes.”
I froze; was Alara trying to tell me Naomi had loved Caleb more than she let on? Because I didn’t believe that, not with the way Naomi spoke about him, and not with the way Naomi loved me.
Her roommate must have seen the question on my face because she rushed to say, “Not that she’s in love with him or anything. They were never like you two are. It’s just she thought they were stable, she thought they’d be together for the rest of their lives. And then it was all pulled out from under her. The plans she had and all the expectations turned to…”
“Chaos,” I finished.
“Yeah,” she breathed out. “She was reluctant to let you in and to let her mother back in because she realizes how little control she has over her life when she lets other people into it. She didn’t want the upheaval again. Like this,” she finished as she gestured around the hospital with a frown on her face.
“She’ll push me away, won’t she?”
Alara didn’t even try to lie. She nodded her head and simply said, “Yeah. I think she will.”
I shook my head. “I won’t let her.” A look of relief flashed over her face as a small smile graced her lips and she reached out to give me a quick hug.
Surprised, I briefly returned it. When we pulled away, I gave her one last nod before I left. I wanted to reassure Alara again that it wouldn’t matter, that there wasn’t a single thing Naomi could say or do that would make me walk away, but she wasn’t the one I was worried about convincing.
Unveiling Chaos Page 23
