The List

by Chantal Fernando

  When Eli freezes and rests his head against mine, I kiss him, wanting him to continue. But then he pulls out and lets me slide to the ground. I’m in a daze, and my legs don’t even want to hold me up. I’m so turned on, so wet, so on edge that if I don’t come soon I’m not going to survive it. I only realise why he’s stopped when he murmurs, “Fuck. We better go inside.”

  “Why?” I ask, wanting him to lift me back up against the wall and fuck me like he owns me.

  “Your neighbour is watching us,” he says, putting his back to the road and facing me. “And you were being so loud that he heard you.”

  I wasn’t being that loud, was I?

  I peer over his shoulder and see my neighbour across the road out the front of his house, standing next to his bin.

  Fuck.

  Breaking out of my spell, I turn around and open the door, then head straight to my bedroom. Before he can even help me, my clothes are off and I’m on the bed. He comes into my room with a husky chuckle, taking off his own clothes and joining me. I flash him a seductive look, and he grins and all but jumps on top of me.

  He’s still hard, and I’m still dripping wet.

  That seems to be the reoccurring theme with us.

  We start to fuck with him on top of me, until he pulls out and brings his cock to my mouth. I open greedily, knowing that he’s giving me what I want, and swallow each drop that spurts into my mouth. When he’s done, I lick his cock clean, and gently suck on it while he watches me with a look in his eyes that I will never forget.

  In one night, we’ve ticked off more things from the list than I ever have before.

  But more than that, it was with him.

  Only he could fuck me so good that I don’t even notice that I’m where people can see. Only he can make me feel so safe that I know he will take care of any situation that arises.

  Only he makes me lose my inhibitions like this.

  And only he has the power to now break my heart.

  *****

  I hold him tight, because I don’t want him to go. I savour the moment, because I know how fleeting it is. Soon, he will just be a memory. I don’t know what’s going to happen after this, if we will keep in touch or not, but I hope that we do. I told him before that I hoped we could be friends at the very least. He told me I was full of surprises, but I don’t see how. He can’t just come into my life, turn it around, and then expect to leave like he was never there.

  He’s my exception.

  There’s no escaping that.

  At least not for me.

  I lift my head and kiss his lips, his jawline, then nibble on his ear. “I don’t want you to go.”

  I don’t know if he knows how much that took for me to admit, but if he did, he doesn’t let on.

  “I have to go, Taye,” he says gently, like we were talking about the weather. I know he has to be back early tonight and can’t stay, but I wish he could. The night is still young, we left early, and Ellen is still out, probably wondering if I’m going to come back or not.

  “I know,” I whisper, hating the reality of the situation.

  But it is what it is; I got to enjoy him, and now I need to let him go.

  He isn’t mine to keep, and he never was.

  *****

  He drops me back off at the pub Ellen is at before continuing back to his in the cab. I hug him and kiss him goodbye, and put a smile on my face. He’s seen me weak enough, he doesn’t need to see more. He won’t. Everything is fine. I walk back into the pub, find Ellen, and order a drink.

  “I can’t believe you came back out,” she says, smirking. “Who goes home, fucks someone, then comes back out?”

  “Me,” I say, drumming my fingers on the bar. “I won’t see Eli again, so I deserve a drink. No point me sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.”

  “You know what you need?” she says, a contemplative look on her face.

  “What?” I ask, wary. She doesn’t always have the best ideas.

  “You need to find another guy tonight,” she says, looking around. “Oh, what about him? He’s cute.”

  I purse my lips. “I just fucked Eli, there’s no way in hell I’m fucking anyone else tonight, Ellen.”

  The thought of fucking anyone else doesn’t appeal to me. They won’t get me, they won’t know how to handle me, how to fuck me. How to challenge me. No one else will do. Vodka, however, will do. Vodka never lets me down, and it won’t fucking leave even though we have an obvious connection.

  I get home in the early hours of the morning, and Ellen comes to sleep at my house. I strip off my clothes and realise that I wore my panties inside out after I fucked Eli, and went back to the pub like that.

  Wonderful.

  We eat burgers in bed, and then fall asleep.

  Who needs a man anyway?

  *****

  I can feel him the next day.

  I like it. I hope it never goes away. It’s the only thing that makes last night seem real. I carry on with my day. I write—more inspired than ever. Apparently missing someone will do that to you. I edit. I clean my house. I spend time with Carter. I even have dinner with my brother, Seth. I keep busy and try and stay distracted, but whenever Eli messages me, I smile. I love talking to him, even if he isn’t here, and we’ve been chatting on and off all day.

  I still have this small part of him. I still get to hear his words, listen to his mind and share his thoughts, and for right now, that will be enough.

  It has to be.

  Chapter Eleven

  “I wish you were here and inside me right now,” I type.

  “I’ve been thinking about our last night together… how giving you were. Fuck. The noises you made. I replay those sounds in my head. Did your neighbours say anything?”

  “Nope, maybe they enjoyed the show.”

  I still can’t believe that happened. Lucky for me my neighbour is pretending he didn’t see or hear anything.

  “I know I did,” he replies.

  “Me too. I didn’t even realise how loud I was being until you told me.”

  “Maybe the people in the next town didn’t hear you.”

  Fuck, was I really that loud that night?

  “Thank God I’ll never have to hear what I sounded like. Take it as a compliment.”

  “Remembering your moans that night is making me even harder… and no, those sounds only belong to me.”

  Why does he have to be so fucking sexy?

  “I liked when you touched me in the cab, too,” I admit to him.

  “I remember the look on your face when you stopped protesting and opened your legs so I could touch you.”

  Fuck. I’m so turned on right now, and there’s no one to take care of it except me. Why the fuck can’t Eli be here?

  “It’s probably like the look I have on my face right now.”

  “Well played.”

  “I was well played with that night.”

  Fuck, I’m witty.

  “Mmmm. You are fucking killing me right now. I can’t wait to feel your nails digging into my back again.”

  I make a sound of frustration. I can practically hear his growl in my ear, and I want nothing more than to be with him right now, all over him, stroking his cock, then taking it into my mouth. I want him to fuck me in every way possible, I want us to work down the list together, ticking every damn box.

  Most of all, I just want him.

  “I want you so much, Eli.”

  “Work fucking better send me back there the fuck soon. Your wet pussy has been the cause of a lot of primal growling. You’re driving me fucking crazy.”

  The feeling is mutual. I can feel my want for him slowly driving me to the brink of insanity. I crave him.

  “I’m so wet right now.”

  “You have me pacing my hotel room with a raging hard-on. You are going to get me arrested, because it’s either fuck or fight, and you aren’t anywhere near me.”

  Fuck.

  This is the most intense sexting ex
perience of my life. I’m so turned on, I’m missing him, and I just want to be with him so badly, it’s insane.

  What has this man done to me? I’ve never wanted anyone so badly in my whole entire life.

  Fuck or fight?

  Jesus, that’s a hot line. He’s so fucking alpha; there’s no other way to explain it. I read about men like this, but fuck if I ever met one before. If I did, I would have kept him.

  I don’t want him to fight, but I don’t exactly want him to fuck anyone else either.

  “Don’t get into a fight,” I type back, but regret it when I hit send, because that only leaves fucking. “And I wish I was there to take care of that raging hard-on for you.”

  Boy, do I.

  “Recalling your moaning and eyes looking back at me fucking you from behind always makes me instantly hard. That is going to need to happen again. Not fussy on location.”

  The fact that he always mentions returning calms me. I know he’s a man of his word, and if he says he will return, then he will.

  I just need to be patient.

  “I’m not fussy on location, either. Fuck, why do you have to be so far away?”

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Can’t miss out on that dance battle and cook-off, now can I?”

  I laugh to myself. “Don’t forget the rematch of vodka pong.”

  “Looks like my to-do list for when I return is getting longer by the day.”

  He’s right. There’s so many things we’ve spoken about doing together when he gets back, and not just sex. Places we want to eat and beaches we want to visit.

  “I should write the list out, prioritized by numbers one to ten.”

  “What’s number one?”

  “Number one on the to-do list would be a cute editor with better dance moves than you and an attitude problem.”

  “The attitude part is true, but it isn’t a problem.”

  I smile at my phone.

  “Stop being cute. You’re making me want to fly to you. And then I’ll die because you’re in the middle of nowhere and I have no survival skills and sensitive skin. And don’t get me started on the freckles.”

  The sun doesn’t like me much. I get burnt, and more freckles appear on my already freckled face.

  “Your freckles are cute. I remember thinking that when you were sleeping next to me one time.”

  “Creep,” I reply, even though I think it’s cute.

  “Well if that makes me a creep, then so be it. And you won’t die, don’t say that. You don’t need anything to be with me. I have everything and more.”

  The messages come out in breaks, like he’s pressing Enter after every few words.

  “Including fat fingers that press Send before I can finish typing.”

  I laugh while typing out my reply. “I’m quite fond of those fingers actually.”

  The banter carries on all night, day after day, week after week.

  You can’t exactly blame me for starting to fall for him.

  *****

  “You are so beautiful,” the man says, giving me a once-over.

  “Thanks,” I say, forcing a smile.

  What is the point of being beautiful, though, when you can’t have the one man you want? I don’t care what compliments I get from other men, I only want to hear one man calling me beautiful right now.

  “You from around here?” he continues, while I look around for Nicky.

  “Something like that,” I say, smiling when she walks up to me, returning from the bathroom.

  “Can’t leave you alone for one minute,” she says, eying the man next to me. “Who is your friend?”

  I breathe in relief as Nicky takes over, being her usual friendly, charming self, while I get to stay quiet, listen, enjoy my drink, and smile and laugh when necessary. It’s been five weeks since Eli left, and because I’ve been talking to him every day, I don’t feel like I’ve lost him. In fact, I feel like I’m getting to know him more and more every day. The more I know about him, the more I like him. He has an amazing mind, and he surprises me with his wit and quick humour. It’s not even his good looks that are my favourite thing about him anymore. Or the way he fucks.

  It’s just him. All of him. The growling sound he makes. His smile. Those hypnotic blue eyes that see right through me.

  His soul.

  “Fuck, Taye,” he messages, in reply to the selfie I sent him before heading out.

  “Don’t say my name like that, I can practically hear the growl in it,” I text back, wishing he was here so we could be in bed right now, tearing each other’s clothes off.

  “Isn’t much chance of us having a conversation where you don’t make me want to rip your clothes off you and fuck you, is there?”

  I grin, and reply with, “Only solution is you coming back and us fucking.”

  “And what if that just makes it worse?” is his reply.

  I don’t really have an answer for that. He’s said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, yet we talk every day, and not in a we’re-just-friends way. We want each other, badly, and we aren’t shy about telling that to each other. If us fucking just makes the want worse, I don’t know what else we can do. I want him. I’d want him to be with me. I’d travel to him, and he could come here; I want to make it work, but he doesn’t want to do that. I’m not sure how to handle this, if I’m being honest. I’m single, but I’m not even looking at other men, really, because I’m so consumed by him. Is he sleeping with other women? I don’t know. Do I want to? Technically he could, of course, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt.

  “I don’t know,” I type back.

  Maybe that means he needs to just stay. It’s a little frustrating, this whole situation, but the sad thing is, I don’t want to let go of him. I don’t want him to stop talking to me every day. I don’t want to lose my small piece of heaven, no matter how tiny it may be. I’d rather talk to him than fuck another guy.

  “That guy is totally hung like a cashew,” Nicky says, looking at his crotch from a distance and making me almost choke on my drink.

  “What the fuck!” I say, starting to laugh. “Hung like a cashew? Who says that, you creep?”

  She wiggles her pinky finger at me. “I have an eye for these things.”

  “A superpower, hey? Being able to tell the size of a man’s dick without seeing it.”

  She nods. “Exactly. Now, let’s go and dance. You’ve been down ever since Eli left, and I’m over it. I’m here visiting, and you need to be happy.”

  “I am happy,” I lie. It’s not a total lie. I’m not miserable, crying and shit, I’m fine, but in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking about him. I can’t lie about that. And yeah, if I had my way, he’d be here with me now, but I don’t have my way. And I won’t. Nicky is right—I need to just get over it. “Do you think he’s slept with anyone yet?”

  “I don’t know,” Nicky says, sounding wary. “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that, Taye?”

  “I can’t stop thinking about it. I think I want to know. It will probably tell me a lot, don’t you think?”

  If he’s fucking other women, he clearly doesn’t care about me like I do him. And if he is, I should move on, right? I should forget him. I should find someone who actually values me and wants me, and only me. I don’t know. He’s not mine, but we’re not nothing either. I don’t know what we are, but it’s not nothing. We care about each other.

  But…

  Is he fucking other women?

  “I don’t know,” she says, frowning. “You aren’t together, so you can’t get angry.”

  “I know.”

  But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. I can’t help how I feel, whether we are together or not. I don’t like the thought of him with another woman. Yes, he’s not mine. Boy, don’t I know that. But still… fuck. The thought kills me, there’s no point in lying to myself.

  I’d rather simply talk to Eli than fuck another guy, that’s how much he means to me, and to t
hink of him out there fucking women so soon. I grit my teeth, trying to ignore the pain.

  “Do you?” she asks, narrowing her brown eyes. “I know you, Taye. You get angry, lose your temper, get all dramatic, and will say some mean shit you will later regret. Or, you will just cut him out of your life and pretend he never existed. How many men have you done that to over the years?”

  “A fair few,” I grumble. “I think me knowing will let me know where I stand.”

  And show me how much I mean to him. I need to go by his actions, not his words.

  “You know where you stand, Taye,” she says, sounding sad.

  “Yeah, nowhere. I stand nowhere. So what do I have to lose in asking then?” I say, leaning back against the bar. “I’d rather the painful truth than an easy lie. Hearing is necessary.”

  “Okay, then ask him.”

  I furiously type a simple text message. “Have you slept with anyone else yet?”

  I hold my breath.

  Please say no, please say no.

  He replies instantly. “Yes.”

  My heart drops. I knew he was, inside I did, but apparently it still hurts like a bitch. The pain in my chest intensifies as I imagine him giving someone else what he gave me. I swallow hard, and absently rub my chest.

  “He said yes,” I whisper, hating that I have to say those words out loud to my best friend. I wish no one had to see this moment of weakness. “What do I type back?”

  Nicky orders shots.

  I appreciate that.

  “Say… rad,” she suggests.

  My brow furrows. “I’ve never used the word rad in my life.”

  “What about gnarly?”

  “Are we surfers now?” I ask, glancing at my phone.

  “Just say cool then,” she says, sighing. “Taye, if you want Eli in your life still, you need to act cool about this. It’s the reality of the situation. You two aren’t an item, so he can fuck whoever he wants. It’s up to you what you choose to do with that though. You either accept it and keep him in your life, or you let go, and you find someone who deserves you.”

  He’s been fucking other women.