R.A.S.H (Rent.A.Super.Hero) (Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent Book 2)

by Sebastian H. Alive

  "She sounds like a temptress," muttered the General. "How was Batman?"

  "We can't call him that or we may get a cease and desist letter in the post accusing us of trademark infringement."

  "The world's gone politically mad," grumbled the General shaking his head. "So what do we call him?"

  "We opted for Man-with-bat."

  "Do you feel you have to avoid eye contact with the man, or was that just me?"

  "No, sir." lied the agents together.

  "Bit strange a man having a girl's name, don’t you think?"

  "It's interesting you say that, sir because Julie has personally requested a private discussion with you to talk about his name." said Agent Two.

  "In depth." added Agent One.

  "I'll see to that, agents. I can sure see the man-girl in some sort of hired-muscle role for the company, that's for sure. What about Multiple-boy?"

  "A little young maybe, sir?" offered Agent Two with a slight winch on his face.

  "Nonsense agent, how young is too young?"

  "They were playing patty-cake in the corridor, sir."

  "There are always exceptions and I believe they could be our diversion specialists. Finally, how did you find Captain Fanspastic? Tell me you didn’t make any instant assumptions based on his appearance, did you?"

  "No sir, he can be a real asset to the company." said Agent Two smoothly.

  "Good because that old bastard can sure hold a grudge."

  "Sir, can I just make a slight critical observation?" asked Agent One.

  "Speak."

  "These are just normal people and this is dangerous work, work that we've been trained to deal with. We're not talking about dealing with petty crimes like graffiti and littering here, we're dealing with networks of organized criminals and it's a deadly environment to put someone in who doesn’t have the necessary training or experience like us."

  "Let me remind you of something, agents. We're here to improve the communities around us and make them a safer place to live and in turn get me rich. Sometimes it takes just an ordinary person to have the courage and bravery to stand up and say 'I have had enough and today I will stand up and fight against what is wrong in the world' and that act of bravery drives another person to stand up for the other, and soon enough those ordinary people are a team against injustice."

  "A team of ordinary people, sir?" asked Agent One.

  "Yes." snapped the General.

  "A team of ordinary people that will all die?"

  "Quite easily I imagine." added Agent Two.

  "Remember something else, agents. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra they have and that is something that you two both possess."

  "I look forward to dying horribly, sir." replied Agent One.

  "Good, now we have the team, all we need now is a client."

  Chapter Seven

  The client

  Without warning, the office door suddenly flew open and Multiple-boy stood there staring at the seated agents with a startled look on his face.

  "This doesn’t look good!" whispered Agent One leaning over to his colleague.

  "Which one is he again?" asked Agent Two frowning.

  "I knew we were going to run into this problem. Should we think about dressing them in different colors so we can tell them apart?"

  "An excellent idea, agent," commented Agent Two nodding his head. "It sounds slightly pedophilic, but I'm sure it will prove a useful visual aid in identifying which triplet we're talking to."

  "Help, please?" gasped the boy.

  "What is it, Multiple-boy?" called out Agent One.

  "We need you down there!" he said raising a shaking hand and pointing over his shoulder down the corridor.

  "First basic rule of management," whispered Agent One cupping his hand and talking in a low voice to his colleague. "Always pretend you're busy. Looking busy reminds everyone that you are busy and that you shouldn’t be bothered by meaningless tasks."

  "Quick, hurry!" croaked Multiple-boy.

  "We are tremendously busy at the moment," replied the agent reaching over and grabbing a stack of paper which he shuffled with grave seriousness. "Don’t you agree, Agent Two?"

  "Oh yes," answered Agent Two giving an appearance of activity when nothing useful was actually being done. "I'm tremendously busy at the moment implementing things of great importance."

  "B-but it's…its Captain Fanspastic!" he cried. "He's had an accident."

  "Did he fall out of his wheelchair?" asked Agent One peering over his stack of papers.

  "No, it's worse," said Multiple-boy miserably. "He's just literally shit his pants in his wheelchair."

  "I would say that's worse." replied Agent Two in agreement.

  "That's just inexcusable, hilarious but inexcusable all the same." commented Agent One.

  "Its green and its dripping out of his trouser leg right now!" wailed the boy flapping his arms in disgust.

  "Don’t have a freak out, Multiple-boy," said Agent One before turning to his colleague with a puzzled look on his face. "Is that what the kids say these days?"

  Agent Two shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm not down with the lingo of 14 year old boys."

  "What is Captain Fanspastic doing right now?" asked Agent Two.

  "He's smearing his shit on his face and licking it." blurted Multiple-boy in desperation.

  Agent Two grimaced and looked over to his colleague and said, "I struggle to believe this guy is actually employed by us. Did his file notes mention anything about a liking of Coprophagia?"

  "It's disgusting, but quite common in dung beetles actually." replied Agent One.

  Suddenly a bell sounded repeatedly from down the corridor and Multiple-boy whimpered.

  "He's got a wheelchair bell?" asked Agent Two.

  "I can't go back there, please don’t make me!" pleaded the boy.

  "Now listen, Multiple-boy. You and your brother's roles as office juniors is to ensure the smooth running of the office and at times that may include certain duties you 3 boys wont like. To make it to the top you have to start at the bottom."

  "Literally." added Agent Two chuckling to himself.

  "Nice injection of humor there, agent." commented Agent One in appreciation.

  "Thank you."

  "As I was saying Multiple-boy, you and your brothers have shared a placenta, so you can share this workload. Keep your chins up and stay motivated."

  "But I'm not trained for this!"

  "Pull yourself together, Multiple-boy. Do you know the soldier creed? In a combat situation you never leave a brother behind on the field of battle."

  "We're in a combat situation?" queried the boy looking dumbfounded.

  "There are similarities. We need you to go back and evaluate the casualty, determine if the casualty is still alive or dead, but in your case whether he is he still shitting himself. Suppress the enemy fire and administer life-saving hemorrhage control by apply a tourniquet to the leaking area. Do we understand each other, Multiple-boy?"

  "Yes." murmured the boy staring downcast at the floor.

  "Good lad."

  Just then the bell rang again from down the corridor making Multiple-boy jump and whimper a little.

  "Come on, hurry along." said Agent Two with a dismissive wave of his hand.

  With his shoulders slumped and head facing the floor Multiple-boy trudged away just as Susan entered the room bearing a tray of hot drinks.

  "Ahhhh…here's Susan with the refreshments." remarked Agent One with a beaming smile.

  Susan wobbled slightly in her high heels, but with determination she carefully carried the drinks over to the agent's table and gently lowered them down onto the surface.

  "Has this table been lowered?" she asked suspiciously. "Such a low table and I keep having to bend over."

  "No." the agents lied in unison as they stared down her blouse.

  "Well there are your drinks, one latte and one black coffee with extra sugar
."

  "Delightful." muttered Agent Two gazing at her up and down.

  Susan smiled and turned to leave then looked back at the agents with a bemused look on her face.

  "Can I just say that this is a strange company uniform," she said smoothing out the creases in her short mini-skirt. "It's very revealing."

  "Its standard company attire and looks very professional to me." answered Agent One dreamily.

  "It's all about the corporate identity. We're all about bursting out of our clothes. That will be all, Susan. We'll see you on the next coffee break. Shall we say in 1 hour?"

  "Works for me." agreed Agent One.

  She nodded her head politely and turned on her heels and walked from the office with the eyes of the agents burning into her ass as she left.

  "Can we be office based field-agents?" asked Agent Two sipping his coffee.

  "I must admit I feel quite good about this."

  Just then there came the sound of loud, dull heavy footsteps thudding from down the corridor and the hulking bald giant stepped into the office with a thunderous look on his angry face.

  "Hello Julie, anything suspicious to report from Burger Al's?" asked Agent One licking his lips hungrily.

  Julie strode toward the table and dumped a steaming paper bag of food onto the surface and glared down at the two agents.

  "I think that maybe your Intel was wrong." he growled.

  Agent Two delved into the bag and rummaged around, pulling out a double-cheeseburger and ran it under his nose with a satisfied sigh.

  "Hmmm…maybe our intel was wrong, oh well, it wasn’t a wasted journey now was it? Did you pimp my dog?" asked Agent One grabbing the paper bag.

  "Just like you asked, hot mustard, Jalapenos, onions and topped off with cheese." grunted Julie.

  Agent One paused with his head in the bag and then looked up at Julie with a look of disappointment and said, "Where's the sweet potato fries?"

  "Uhmmm…I didn’t get them." he answered looking a little bashful.

  "Julie, a good soldier always follows orders, no matter what! Why didn’t you get us the sweet potato fries?"

  "The queue was so long and the guy behind the counter was taking ages with every customer, I just wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible."

  "Don’t cower to the enemy, Julie. You go back there and get us those sweet potato fries."

  Julie groaned as the agents began tucking into their steaming food. He was just about to leave when suddenly the General burst into the office with an excited grin on his face.

  "Get the team together ready for a debrief," he cried. "We have a client!"

  "Does that mean we have to do some work?" asked Agent Two through a mouthful of cheeseburger.

  Chapter Eight

  The debrief

  The General planted his stumpy arms to his sides and stared around the room scanning the faces of his employees.

  "Welcome to the first R.A.S.H debriefing, ladies and gentlemen." he said in a gruff voice before twitching his moustache.

  "Did he stare at me when he said ladies?" growled Julie clenching his fists against the surface of the table.

  "Figure of speech." whispered Agent One sat next to him.

  "But he said ladies not lady!"

  "A valid point, Julie," chirped Agent Two. "There was definite eye contact too."

  "Quiet!" snapped the General at them from the centre of the room.

  He glared at them menacingly, daring them to speak then moved to the side of the flipchart, picked up a black marker pen and looked across at them once more before gazing up at the pad on the flipchart.

  "Who's responsible for office stationary?" asked the General icily.

  "I am sir." answered Agent One shooting his hand up into the air.

  "Do you think that it’s funny getting me an oversized pad, agent?"

  "It’s a normal sized pad for normal sized people, sir."

  The General sniffed and looked up at the flipchart suspiciously then back at the agent.

  "Can I get myself a stool or a chair over here?" he said flapping his arms in exasperation.

  "Yes sir," replied Agent One standing up and dragging a chair over to the General. "Want me to hoist you up?"

  "I can do it!" snapped the General flapping angrily at the agents open arms.

  He pulled himself onto the chair with a grunt, regained his composure then turned back to face the room.

  "Now listen here. Our new client wants their identity to remain a secret and I have signed a non-disclosure agreement that prevents us revealing who they are. I can't give you any hints as to who they are, but I can tell you that they go by the pseudonym of Crime Sinister and let's just say they're wealthy and they live at number 10 Downing Street and work for the British Government. I can't say anymore than that."

  Agent One shrugged his shoulders and looked over to Agent Two who did the same.

  "This is strictly black ops," continued the General. "It's a high risk assignment and one that will set this agency up for the next 6 months if we pull it off, and if we do our client list will grow on the back of this. Does everyone understand?"

  Everyone seated around the tables nodded their heads and the General grunted in satisfaction before turning to the flipchart with his marker pen.

  "The target is a man called Count Viscount," he said drawing a circle on the paper with a question mark in the middle. "He's a notorious international arms dealer and is a very dangerous individual. He has built an operation handling illegal weapons and sends heavy consignments over to militia fighters in the Islamic state and separatists in the Ukraine, mostly on chartered planes. No one knows what he looks like but our client wants this supply chain stopped and with the least amount of publicity."

  "Do we have a facial profile, sir?" asked Agent Two.

  "I may have just covered that off with the whole 'no one knows what he looks like' comment. To get to Count Viscount you need to first get to his two henchmen and we know their location."

  The General drew two vertical lines down from the circle and then another two circles at the bottom.

  "That diagram looks like a penis, don’t you think?" commented Agent One.

  "It's definitely phallic in origin." replied Agent Two peering at the flipchart.

  "He said penis." sniggered one of the Multiple-boys.

  "I'm sorry, does anyone in this room find something humorous in someone profiteering from selling to warring nations in illegal arms trade?" queried the General through gritted teeth.

  "You're being very childish, Multiple-boy!" said Agent One sternly.

  The General shook his head and turned back to the flipchart.

  "As I was saying, Count Viscount has two henchmen. The first is known as Big Butch."

  "Why do they call him Big Butch, sir?" asked Agent Two raising his hand.

  "Because he's big and he's butch. The second henchman goes by the name of Doctor Deafgrape."

  "He doesn't sound too bad!" muttered Agent One.

  "Hold on a second, that doesn’t sound right….no, I got it wrong, it's Doctor Deathrape." said the General.

  "Ah." muttered the agent shutting his mouth.

  "You two agents will co-ordinate this mission," continued the General pointing at them both with his marker pen. "You get in and you get out and bring this man to justice. Use every resource you have at your disposal. You have Julie as your muscle, the three boys and…hold on, why are you not in school?"

  "Half-term, sir." answered the triplets together.

  "Fair enough, erm….what do you do again, Susan?" asked the General frowning.

  She looked up from filing her nails and said, "I marry people and they die horribly."

  "Tremendous and finally make sure you utilize the mental performance of Captain Fanspastic because his brain power and acumen is unparalleled."

  The agents craned their necks to look at the old man in the wheelchair who was staring at them with his head tilted to the side and a long sliv
er of drool forking down his chin.

  "There's hatred in that stare." whispered Agent Two fearfully.

  "Well, what are you waiting for team?" snapped the General in irritation. "Do what you do and don’t get killed."

  Chapter Nine

  The transportation

  The team gathered in the foyer of the five storey building as the General dished out final instructions to the assembled group.

  "Listen up, agents," he barked. "You will be splitting into two teams. Agent One, you take Captain Fanspastic and Susan. Your target is Big Butch. He runs a fake business façade that trades as a fruit and vegetable shop which is a front for the building at the back hiding a storage warehouse full of weapons and ammunition ready to be shipped out. Engage the target and seize those weapons. Agent Two, you take Multiple-boy and Julie. Your target is Doctor Deathrape. A meeting time and place has been arranged and you will pose as potential new clients. Take him down and get the location of Count Viscount by any means necessary. Make no mistake, agents. These men are highly dangerous, armed and deal in billions of pounds in contracts in weapons exports. Are there any questions?"

  Agent Two shot his hand into the air and waved it around frantically.

  "Permission to speak, sir?"

  "Go ahead, agent."

  "Why does he get the hot-girl and I get the mini-agents?" moaned Agent Two glancing at the triplets who each raised a middle finger back at him.

  "My primary aim is to put you on your chosen team that best suits your individual missions with the combined skill set of each team member to make it a success. You are the SAC on this mission and it's your MO to get your team in and out quickly and safely."

  Agent Two frowned for a moment then slowly waved his hand in the air once again.

  "Permission to speak again, sir?"

  "Speak, agent." replied the General with a sigh.

  "What exactly is a SAC and an MO, sir?" asked the agent.

  "Special Agent-in charge and mission objective," answered the General shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the rest of the group. "Now I've done the necessary BI on this assignment so every detail has been covered off and you have the KSA to get this done, okay?"