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by Lisa Shelby

  Wanting to do anything to escape being the current center of attention I agree to his request to talk.

  “Sure, Mick.”

  His arms release my waist and just as I prepare to miss the heat of his body against mine, he takes my hand in his. We bounce off the other partygoers like pin balls as he guides me through the family room and down the hallway. The hallway that leads to the stairs that lead to his room. The room that I slept in with him earlier this week. The room that I never wanted to leave. Right now though…right now I feel like I’m entering a minefield as he opens the door and pulls me in behind him. He doesn’t have to pull very hard. These days I think would follow him anywhere.

  He shuts the door, locks it and then turns in my direction a few feet in front of him. Like a wild animal he stalks me like I’m his prey as he closes the distance between us. Standing in front of me he lifts his hand and gently brushes his thumb over my cheek.

  “Alex, we need to talk.”

  “Mick…” I try to interrupt but he silences me with his mouth. It’s a gentle kiss. There isn’t anything forceful about it, but I do follow his unspoken command and it quiets me.

  Slowly removing his lips from mine he says, “No, Alex. I get to talk first. Okay?”

  I take a step back hoping that putting space between us will clear my head. He knows he’s cheating by kissing me and that I won’t be thinking clearly enough to hear what he has to say.

  “Alex, I know that I’ve told you that I would wait for you to catch up and I know that we still aren’t on the same page. I also know that you’ve been through a lot and you may not be anywhere near my chapter. But after having you here this past week a lot of things have become clear for me. They’re things that I’ve always known but hadn’t really let myself believe before now. Do you know what I’ve figured out, Alex?”

  Taking another step back I run into his dresser and exhale, “What, Mick?”

  He strides towards my now trapped body and says, “I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. I’ve always told myself that it was because I believed all the bullshit that my dad fed me growing up. He would always say that men weren’t made to be with only one person. It’s not in our nature. The thing is I’ve come to the realization that my dad is full of shit. It’s all just a lame ass excuse to cheat and do whatever the hell he feels like. Well, Alex…” He searches my face to make sure I’m still with him. “I am not my dad. I finally realized the reason that I have never been in a long-term relationship is because of you. You’re the one that I was always meant to be with and you have always been right here. It’s always been you, Alex. It’s always been you but…you were my little sister’s friend. You were practically a member of my family. Yet still, it’s always been you. Nobody else ever stood a chance because I’ve always compared them to you.”

  While he speaks, he seems so sure of himself. There is no doubt in his handsome face. This man has had my whole heart for my whole life and he just told me that he feels the same. My heart is stuck in my throat but I know that he deserves a reply. I inhale deeply to clear the shock from the corners of my brain and as I exhale to speak he says, “I’m not done, Alex.”

  There’s more. What he said was EVERYTHING! How can there be more?

  “Sweet Thing, I have been watching you from across the room in this beautiful dress thinking of all the ways I could untie this pretty little bow right here,” he says as he gives one of the ends of the bow at my hip a tug. “All I want to do is send everybody home, strip you out of this dress and make love to you all night long. The thing is…I can’t do that until I know were on the same page.”

  “Mick…”

  “Honey, I’m still talking.” He takes my long hair and pushes it over my shoulders. Then he takes a hand and scoops it all to one side. One side of my neck is now completely exposed. He slowly drags his finger down to the crook of my neck. “This right here. This is what I dream about. I don’t dream of having sex with you—although I’ll admit I do think about it often—I dream about this. This is my favorite place to be. This spot right here is my happy place. This is where I feel most at home.” He bends down and nuzzles my neck and gently drags his lips across my collarbone. “I still remember how soft your skin was the night we found each other at Lola’s. I remember thinking it was the softest skin I had ever touched. Then when you were in my lap at Riley’s party and you let me hold you…I never wanted to leave this spot right here.”

  He kisses my neck just above the last kiss he marked me with. He may not know it, but he has marked me. If only I wasn’t so afraid that he’d leave my heart scared.

  Standing to his full height, he looks me in the eyes and says, “Alex. I want more. I love the friendship that we have and I don’t ever want to lose it but baby…I want more. You. Are. My. More. You always have been. Let me prove to you that I can be the man that you deserve.”

  My heart is beating so hard and so fast that I am sure he can see it himself. It must be beating out of my chest by now. I take in a big breath and slowly push it out through my mouth. I do this a couple of more times. Mick has always been what I want. I know that he would never hurt me physically, but I know he has the potential to break my feeble heart. I’m tired of worrying about that though. He just professed his feelings and has been nothing but open and honest with me. I need to stop being that scared little girl that I was growing up. I’m a woman now and it’s time to take what I want. To take what he’s offered to me.

  “Mick.”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Please kiss me again.”

  His reply comes in the form of a strong and passionate kiss. A kiss that promises more than I could ever dream of. His hands are in my hair as he presses my back into his dresser. As if reading my mind, and with my head in his tangled hands, he guides me a few steps to the right and my back is now against the wall.

  “Fuck, I love to kiss you.”

  His lips are back on mine in a fevered pace and our tongues are dancing together.

  There is no awkwardness.

  It’s as though we were made to kiss each other and have spent years perfecting the craft.

  Pulling back from me, he places one hand on the wall next to my head while his other hand leisurely traces the curves of my body. He starts at what is apparently his happy place, then over my heart and to my breast. He cups my breast in his hand and leans over and places his lips on my chest where my heart is pulsing at a steady pace. As his hand floats down my rib cage and meets the bow on my hip.

  “I have been wanting to unwrap you all night, baby.”

  He pulls on the ends of the bow and it comes undone. Much to his dismay my dress doesn’t fall open as the bow is just for decoration, but it doesn’t slow him down.

  Lifting my leg so that it wraps around his waist, he growls as he leans back in for an animalistic kiss. The kissing is so impassioned that I can no longer hear the party taking place downstairs. All I can hear is his heavy breathing. All that I feel are our hands everywhere. Exploring. One of his hands continues to travel up my leg, under my dress and all the way to my barely-there black lace panties. He lets out another growl when he feels my practically bare backside. He brings his hand over my hip and finds the front of that same piece of lace.

  His hand stops just above the top of the lace when he says, “Is this okay, baby? Do you want me to stop? Tell me if I’m going too far.”

  “Please don’t stop, Mick.”

  His warm, cocoa colored eyes, outlined with long, thick lashes reach all the way to my soul. He never takes his eyes from mine as his hand slowly finds its way into my lace. His fingers slowly but deftly explore and he finds that spot that makes me close my eyes and throw my head back. While continuing his assault on my senses his skilled fingers enter me.

  “Alex, you are so hot and wet for me, baby.” He takes his fingers from my lace, and brings them to his mouth and one by one he sucks my arousal from his fingers. If he thought I was hot and wet before, he should put
his hand back where it just was and see what he’s done to me now. He drops my leg, and takes me by the hand and leads me to his bed. We stand in front of his bed and he interlaces our hands together. “Alex, we aren’t going to make love tonight. Not with a houseful of people, but I would like to be doing this at midnight. Seems like a perfect way to start a new year.”

  Every time this man speaks he gets hotter. Sexier. This time it’s me that initiates things. Releasing his hands and stepping closer to him, I boldly reach out and stroke his more than evident hard on through his jeans.

  “Hmmm…it’s bigger than I remember Mick,” I say with a wink.

  “Oh honey, don’t even play. You know you remember every second that we were together. There’s no way you could forget the big man you’ve got in your hands right now. Trust me when I say, I haven’t forgotten a single second of that night. If you think you need a reminder though I am more than willing to take you there tomorrow. But like I said, not tonight.”

  “I look forward to it. How long do we have until we ring in the New Year?”

  “About ten minutes. We better not waste any more time. Come here baby, give me my happy place.”

  He takes off his shirt and nuzzles into my neck again, while his hands take a journey to my back where they discover my zipper. Teasingly slow he unzips my dress and it falls to the ground. This leaves me standing in my matching black lace bra and panties and my four-inch black stilettos.

  “Oh, God damn woman! You are a sight to see. You exceed any memories or fantasies that I could have ever conjured up.” He gives me his hand so I can step out of my dress. The moment he’s sure that I am steady on my feet, he lets go and his rough hands roam all over my body. His tongue caresses the swell of each of my breasts. He pulls the cups of my bra down and my breasts are now on display; pushed up by wire and material. “Fuck,” he says as his tongue darts out across one of my nipples. “Seeing you trussed up like this is the hottest thing I have ever seen.” He takes my other nipple into his mouth and twirls his tongue over it. I can feel both nipples tighten with excitement.

  His hands are on my ass and my breast is in his mouth when we hear a knock at the door. Hearing a sing-songy female voice come through the door instantly throws a bucket of cold water on our moment of passion.

  “Mick, I know you’re in there. Open up so I can help you ring in the New Year again like we did last year.”

  And just like that my libido disappears. I fix my bra and bend down to pick up my dress. A wave of realism rushes through me and I can’t help but wonder how I got here. I knew better. Mick is the kind of guy that has random girls knocking on his door to ‘ring in the New Year’. He did this last year with somebody else.

  “I can’t do this, Mick. This is why I’ve always said we can’t cross this line. There are just too many girls out there knocking on your door.” I pull my dress up and over my shoulders and turn to signal to Mick that I need help with my dress.

  Zipping up my dress he brings his lips to my bare shoulder and says, “There aren’t too many girls. I haven’t been with anybody in months, Alex. Since Riley’s party I’ve had no interest in anybody but you. Just give me a minute to get rid of whoever this is.”

  Retying the bow on my dress I huff. “See, that’s just it, Mick. You clearly were with her this time last year and you don’t even remember who she is. How is somebody like that going to be a one-woman man and give me what you say I deserve? I know that I deserve more than this. This was fun Mick but it shouldn’t happen again, okay? Let’s just keep things how they’ve been. I don’t want to lose you but I can’t deal with this. I won’t be this woman.” I feel defeated and lost.

  “Baby, I swear there isn’t anybody else. I don’t want anybody but you. Please don’t let this ruin the night. What can I do to be enough for you? How can I prove myself to you? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

  “You’re Mickey Jacobs and I think that will always be too much for me. It’s not that you aren’t enough, but your past may just be too much.”

  There’s another knock on the door as the girl on the other side coos his name.

  “Baby, please just give me a minute to get rid of her and we can talk this out.”

  “Mick, as much as I might love it, I have to ask you not to call me, baby. It’s just too hard.”

  As I brush past him I reach for his face and guide his cheek to my lips and whisper. “Happy New Year, Mick.”

  With that, I take myself and my new resolve to the door and make my way past the perky blond who I know to be a member of Courtney’s merry band of whores.

  “He’s all yours.”

  I speed down the stairs and to the hall bathroom door that is mercifully open and lock myself in. I’m exhausted after going from the highest of highs to feeling so low I don’t want to leave this bathroom. I don’t want to see anybody. I don’t want to explain where I went with Mick. But I have perfected my mask, and I can fake it just like I have my entire life. I just need to get my shit together and get back out to my friends. I see my make out hair in the mirror and do what I can to put myself back together again. I know I can’t stay in here and dwell on things too long because the countdown is about to begin and I don’t want to miss it, even if it isn’t with Mick.

  I hear the first number of the countdown to midnight chanted by the other partygoer’s just as I open the door. And there he is. Standing with his hands in his front pockets and with his t-shirt back on is Mick.

  He looks right at me and continues the countdown. He isn’t moving from the door frame and he has no intention of letting me pass. When he gets to five he takes a step towards me and I take a step back. With each number that he says he takes another step. Leaving the door open he says, “Two…one…” He leans in and gives me a kiss that says everything he’s feeling. I can’t help but take in everything he’s saying with this kiss. It should feel like a goodbye but it doesn’t. It feels determined. I left his room with a much different kind of resolve than he did. “Happy New Year, Alex. I think I’m going to need a little bit of time before I can hang out again. Text me if you need anything, but I need a little space.”

  He leaves me standing alone with only my reflection in the bathroom mirror looking back at me. He seemed determined but also solemn. I have never wanted to hurt him. Am I making a mistake? I know he’s a good man, one of the best men I have ever known. I also know that nobody will ever be able to hurt me like Mick could. Maybe a little space will be good for the both of us.

  CHAPTER

  SEVENTEEN

  Something New

  Alex

  It’s been a week since Mick walked out of that bathroom.

  A week with no contact.

  I haven’t smiled in a week. Well, I haven’t smiled a genuine smile in a week. From the moment I stepped out of that bathroom my mask was back in place. My heart was breaking but there was no way anybody would ever know it. Being unhappy but appearing happy as a clam is what I’m good at. It’s what I know.

  I left shortly after midnight and cried all the way home. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t leave the house the next day. I didn’t answer my phone when Emily called. She said she needed to talk to me about something, and I knew that something was her brother. I didn’t want to talk about it.

  I know I’m doing this to myself. He’s put it all out there. He’s ready to commit. But I keep breaking both of our hearts because I won’t even give us a try.

  When I did finally talk to Emily and Cami they were kind enough not to mention Mick. I don’t think I could take whatever they would have shared about him. If he’s hurt and upset, I will feel horrible that I could make the one person who always rescues me and makes me feel safe and cared for feel less than adored. If he is happy and back to dating I will be heartbroken. No, it’s best that they don’t share. My heart and my soul couldn’t take it.

  If I have to find a bright side, it’s that this time away from him is making me move on. I have no option. I know that there will
never be anybody else, but I have to try to move on.

  Move on from what?

  We weren’t even in a relationship but it feels like I’ve just been through the worst break up of my life. Imagine how badly it would hurt if we were together. No, that is not an option. I have to live my life and for that reason I’ve let Olivia set me up with a friend of hers. But that’s not what I want. I want to not be me. I want to be carefree. Go to a random club, meet a random guy, don’t ask his name and bring him home so he can help me forget. That’s what I want to do but that’s not me. Instead I’m going on a blind date.

  Standing in front of my closet I just stare blankly. It’s not that I don’t have anything to wear. It’s the fact that I have no desire to go out with anybody. I don’t want to do this. All I can think about is Mick. He’s my best friend and I want to call him and talk about tonight. But I can’t. He wants space.

  Enough! Get your shit together, Stotts!

  It’s Portland so I don’t have to dress up for a place like Trifecta. Some skinny jeans, flats, light sweater and infinity scarf will do. It’s not in a great area, but it’s a hip, cool place with great food and drinks so you just overlook the interesting surroundings as you walk from wherever you may find street parking. Tonight, I only have to walk a couple of blocks and through twenty or so hipsters to get to the restaurant. Not too bad.

  When I enter, I’m greeted by a hostess and before I even get a chance to say I’m meeting somebody here Keegan is standing up from a booth waving.

  “Thank you, but I think I see the person I’m meeting.” I make my way over to the first booth on the right and say, “You must be Keegan?”

  “That’s me. I knew you were you the moment I saw you. Olivia sent me a picture of you and you look just like your picture.” He shakes my hand and it’s like a dead fish. There is nothing behind his handshake and I can tell he’s nervous. But I didn’t feel anything.

  “Nice to meet you, Keegan. You look just like your picture too.” And he does. He’s tall, thin, blondish-red hair, and glasses. I guess he’s kinda cute but he’s not really my type. I only have one type. I only want one person. But he needs space. So, I push on.