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by Lisa Shelby

  “What?”

  “Nothing, I’m just happy.”

  “Yeah? And why are you so happy?”

  “You’re here. I just can’t believe your actually here.”

  “Me too, Mick. I can’t believe it either, but I’m glad I’m here.”

  He picks up the remote and turns off the TV. The room darkens and it’s just us. He pulls me back to into his arms and we sink down so that we’re lying down again. I’m lying on his chest and he’s stroking my hair. “This is the best Saturday night I’ve had in a long time.”

  “Not your usual style though.”

  He kisses the top of my head and sighs into my hair. “Baby, you are my style and there isn’t anywhere else I would rather be. I can’t thank you enough for dropping everything and coming over this morning. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

  “Of course. Speaking of this morning…wanna talk about it?”

  “Thank you, baby, but I don’t want to bring all of my darkness into your light. I love my job, but sometimes it just gets to me. There are great days and then there are some not so great days.”

  I put my hand over his heart, and with my chin on his chest look up at him. “Earlier today, you said that I was yours and you were mine. Maybe it was just in the moment, but for me…for me, Mick…I’m yours. I may not be able to take your burdens away, but I’m here to listen.”

  He sits us back up and turns us so that we’re facing each other. So that he can look me in the eye.

  “Alex, I meant every word of what I said. It wasn’t just an ‘in the moment’ thing. I hope you know that this is the real deal to me. No more just friends. No more excuses. I’m yours and to hear you say you’re mine…baby, that is all I’ve ever wanted to hear come out of that sweet mouth of yours. “

  Inside, I am squealing like a little girl because the love of my life says that he’s mine, but I know that now isn’t the time. We need to talk about what happened at work last night.

  “Then talk to me. Tell me what had you so rattled.”

  “I don’t really know how to explain it or make it make sense.”

  “Try me.” I can tell he’s anxious and he’s not speaking. I can only think of one thing to do. I pat the headboard of the bed and ask him to sit against it. Once he’s in place I crawl into his lap and give him access to his favorite spot.

  “You know me so well,” he says with a squeeze. “I could live out my days right here.”

  “Just let me know if I get too heavy. Now, tell me about your night.”

  On a heavy exhale he recounts his last call of the night…

  “It was around 4:00 am and I was driving back to the station at the end of my shift. I had been assigned to the boonies where not a lot happens and it had been a pretty quiet night. There were lots of hills and land, but not a lot of lights. I was driving up a long road that turned into a steep hill. The road was flanked by steep embankments on either side. At the top of the hill was a three way stop. The only option was to turn right or left. When you look at the road directly in front of you it looks like a space with trees but it’s really a cliff. There was a Subaru Outback a few blocks ahead of me and as it neared the three way stop I didn’t see brake lights. I kept thinking, why aren’t they braking? I was in my car yelling, BRAKE! BRAKE! But, Alex, they didn’t brake. The car was there one-second and gone the next. They drove straight through the stop sign and disappeared. I could hear the tree limbs breaking as the car made its descent down the cliff.

  I instantly called dispatch and gave them my location and turned on my overhead lights. I asked for them to send medical because I knew that drop off had to have been a hundred to a hundred and fifty feet, and the driver must have been going forty-five miles an hour. There was a stop sign and a utility pole, and she somehow drove right in-between them. I have no idea how she managed it, but she drove right through the middle of the sign and the pole. I know hitting the pole would have been bad too, but Jesus, Alex. The car just disappeared before my eyes.”

  I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to interrupt him so I just hold him and let him get it all out. I can’t see his face because it’s buried in my neck, but I think it helps him. I rub his head to try and soothe him and just listen.

  “I parked my car as close to the drop-off as I could and got out and went to the edge of the cliff. When I looked down I could see that the car nosed right into a large tree and then slid down the tree and the front end came to rest in the creek below. The branches on that tree were what I heard breaking. I was shining my flashlight but couldn’t see much at all.

  I turned my flashlight off and was just about to turn back to my car to see where help was when I heard moaning. I could hear a person making noise so I called out and asked if they were okay. I didn’t get a response. I knew there was somebody alive, and I had to get to them. We were out in the middle of nowhere and I knew it would still be ten minutes or so before help arrived. Then I remembered that I had my ‘go’ bag in the trunk of my car. I ran back to my trunk and grabbed the bag I always keep ready for SWAT calls. I take my 100-foot rope out of the bag and decide that I can static line down to the car. I tied it to the push bumper on the front of my car and wrapped it around my waist above my duty belt. I slowly let out the line and lowered myself to the car below. The rope was about ten feet too short so I had to untie myself and drop the ten feet. In reality it probably took me about two minutes to reach the bottom, but it felt like hours.

  When I finally reached the car, I could see that there was a female in the driver’s seat. She was pinned into her seat by the engine block that had come through the cabin of the car. I couldn’t see her legs and the steering wheel had crushed her chest. The windshield was completely gone and laying on the hood of the car. I could smell coolant and oil and burning chemicals. Standing next to her door I could hear that she was still breathing. After pushing as much of the glass away from the windshield that I could, I got on the hood of the car to try and get into the front passenger seat. I needed to get close enough to give her CPR. I could feel the heat from the engine under me as I climbed my way into the car. It was so hot that subconsciously, I thought I was going to burn my legs. But all I could really think about was getting to her. When I did finally get close enough to approach the woman I could smell the alcohol on her breath.

  Her breathing suddenly became labored and then she took one last heavy breath. As I was sitting there trying to figure out a way to help her she passed. I got to her just as she took her last breath. I was too late, Alex. The problem was the way her body was pinned in and with the damage to the car there wasn’t any way that I could really get to her. I couldn’t save her. “

  I start to say something but he shakes his head as if to say there’s more.

  “That was when I saw the car seat in the back. It had been completely pushed forward. The safety harness was bowed. It was bent somehow and it looked like a baby could have been ejected. I was instantly filled with panic. There was a baby there and I didn’t see it or hear it. I got on the radio and let dispatch know that the driver was code 55—which means deceased—and that there was a possible infant missing.

  It’s dark and I can’t see anything. All at once everything hit me, watching her go off the cliff. Going down the cliff to get to her. Watching her die, the baby seat. I felt an acidy bile building in the back of my throat. I’ve already lost the driver but all I could hope was that I wasn’t too late to save the baby.”

  The only lights were the headlights from the car but they were facing down into the creek and the lights from my car up on the top of the cliff. The area was full of blackberry thickets and I was running through them trying to find the baby. Finally the fire department and my back up show and the first thing they do is start yelling at me for going down the way I did and alone. Really? Is that what they want to talk about when there is a missing baby? I tell them to fuck off and to bring their asses down the cliff and to bring a FLIR. A FLIR is an infrar
ed heat register that should help us find the baby in the shroud of darkness we’re covered in.

  My concern was trying to figure out which way the baby may have been thrown. The way the seat was pushed forward, it made me think that the baby could have gone through the windshield since the car was facing straight down when it hit the tree. There were baby blankets and car parts scattered everywhere. Then I wondered if the baby could have fallen out further up the hill and I missed it on my way down. I ran into the water to make sure the baby didn’t get thrown into the creek. I was thinking of every possible scenario that I could. I have never felt so panicked. Watching her die sucked, Alex, it really did. But knowing there was a baby out there that needed our help and I couldn’t find it was making me feel out of control with panic, and I never feel out of control. Especially, at work.

  The fire guys were now down at the crash site with me. They cut the woman out of the car and tried to do CPR on her while others help me work the hill to try to find the baby. I was so desperate that I was ripping full blackberry bushes out by their roots to find that baby. By this time, I get word that they’ve sent a car to the drivers address and they were there notifying the family. I yell up to make sure they ask them if there was a baby in the car! It feels like days go by without word and because I was losing my mind by this point I yell up to the officers above. WAS THERE A BABY IN THE CAR?! I keep asking over and over. Nobody will answer the damn question.”

  I try to rub his back and head to soothe him but I can feel his entire body tense around me. He’s trembling yet so tense that every muscle in his body is flexed. There’s a light sheen of sweat forming on his head and my heart is breaking for him. I just want to make it all go away.

  “I kept thinking the baby was under the car, in the creek, somewhere up the hill. Why couldn’t I find the baby? Just when I think I might go ape shit crazy if I don’t find this baby somebody yells down from the top of the cliff. The baby was home safe and sound with dad. There was no baby in the car, Alex. There. Was. No. Baby. In. The. Car.”

  “Oh, thank God, Mick.” I kiss his forehead and let him finish.

  “That’s what I thought too. Oh, thank God. I’m filled with relief that there isn’t a baby dying alone out there on the hillside. But the panic that I felt in my chest didn’t go away. I still couldn’t save the mom. I know she was drinking and she made a mistake, but I couldn’t save her and that baby is motherless now. I keep thinking what if the baby had been out there. Would I have been able to get to it in time? I felt helpless. The fire guys went back to work and I found a rock to sit on and tried to gather myself. It didn’t work though. I just kept seeing her take her last breath, and then flashes of the baby seat and baby blankets everywhere.

  Eventually, we used the ropes that the fire department dropped down to us to climb back up. I gave my statement to another officer and came home.

  The panic and desperation that I felt from searching and searching for that baby just wouldn’t go away. I swear, Alex. I knew there was a baby out there and I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find it, and even though I knew that the baby was home safe and sound I just couldn’t get myself to calm down.

  When I got home, to this empty house, well…that’s when I texted you.”

  He lays us down so that we’re on our sides and facing each other. “Thank you, Alex. You saved me today. I was a wreck when you got here, but just seeing you standing at my front door was what I needed to start to feel okay again. That’s what you do to me, Sweet Thing. You calm me. You make me feel like I don’t need anything or anyone else. It’s like as long as I have you everything will be okay.”

  “You’ve got me, Mick. You’ve got me.”

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY

  Can’t Stop the Feeling

  Alex

  May

  “Wait, why do I have two extra screws? And why are there no words on these stupid instructions?” I yell over the music.

  Mick and I spent the morning at IKEA and now we’re putting together a new shelving unit for the room that was recently occupied by Emily.

  “Baby, this is why IKEA is so affordable. They know you’re going to lose just a little bit of your sanity when you put this shit together and they feel somewhat responsible. So, they make it cheap. It’s the least they can do.”

  We’re both down on our hands and knees putting pieces of compressed wood together when the next song on my playlists starts.

  “Shit. This is gonna be in my head the rest of the day now, babe. You have to change it.” He throws himself down on the floor and pretends to cover his ears, but I know he loves this song.

  I put my extra screws down and crawl over to him. Straddling him I say, “Ah, come on baby, you can handle it. The more you hear it the better chance you have to figure out what the heck she’s saying.” I can’t help but move my hips to the beat of the song, and from what I feel underneath me he may just be changing his mind about me changing the song.

  Bending over him I find his ear and sing along to the words I do know and tell him that I will never neglect him or hold his past against him. He sings along to the chorus with me. “Work, work, work, work, work.” Just as the song is about to end I jump up and do a little twerk for him.

  “Baby, if this is what I get when this song is on you can play it on repeat all day long!”

  “I thought I might be able to change your mind. Now come dance with me, Mickey Jacobs!”

  When the new Justin Timberlake song starts we’re both on our feet dancing like fools!

  “This is my jam!” I yell over the music as he swings me around and serenades me about not being able to stop the feeling and how we need to keep dancing. We’re jumping around like kids and it turns out that big, bad Mickey Jacobs is a total goofball. He’s singing and dancing like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Justin Timberlake doesn’t have anything on my man.

  Yes, my man.

  It’s only been a few weeks since his early morning text led me back to him but it feels like we’ve always been together. We’ve spent every minute we can together these past weeks and every second has been amazing.

  Well, there was one conversation that wasn’t so amazing, but in the end, it was important and something that we needed to talk about. Mick insisted that he explain what I saw that night. He wanted to make it clear just exactly what happened, why he did it and how it ended. I understood and I know that it was my fault. It would never have happened if I could have just gotten over his past and realized that he had changed and that it was okay to give him more.

  This conversation also led to me explaining why I thought I needed to move on. During the conversation, I also told him that I see a therapist once a week and that I still went to group from time to time. He said that he thought that was great and asked if I wanted him to come with me. I explained that it was something that I needed to do on my own and that it came with lots of support. I also told him that if I had really listened to what they teach us in group then I would have realized that I should have taken the chance with him. In group we’re always taught not to live in the past, but that was what I was doing with Mick. I couldn’t let his past go because I was scared and insecure. My fear hurt both of us and kept us apart for months. Months that we could have been together. Months that we could have been dancing like fools together. But in the end, I spent the last couple of months working on myself, and that’s helped me get to where I am today. Dancing like a fool with this goofy, handsome man.

  We’re both out of breath and laughing when Mr. Timberlake stops singing. He grabs my phone and quickly picks the next song. With a heated look on his face as he slowly drags his finger down my neck he says, “This is my jam.”

  Not a second later Mary J. Blige starts singing about her Sweet Thing while Mick takes me in his arms. He moves us so that we start gently swaying to the music while he sings along and tells me I’m his everything. Who would have known that he could sing like this? He really can sing and it’s rea
lly, really hot. I don’t tell him this. I just want to enjoy the moment. Besides he doesn’t have to know that he’s good at everything. His ego is just fine as it is.

  Our sweet swaying turns spicy when Mick stops singing and starts kissing me. There is always so much passion behind his kisses. He lights me on fire every time his lips touch mine. I have never felt this much for another person. It sounds corny but being with him is like living in my own Romantic Comedy. He is the funniest person I know and also the most romantic. It’s like his two missions in life are to make me laugh and to make me feel cherished. He does both. Every day. I have never been happier.

  His lips leave mine and he sings the chorus in my ear again. He pulls back and stares at me. I can tell that he wants to say something but he can’t seem to get it out. I lift up on my toes and whisper onto his lips. “You’re my everything too, baby.” And then I kiss him. I feel what my words mean to him with the intensity of the kiss that he returns to me. He is my everything. There has never been a truer statement.

  As usual our kiss leads to much more and twenty minutes later we lay on the floor amidst boxes and pressed wood naked, sweaty and out of breath. Neither of us can get enough of each other. We have a hunger for one another that we cannot seem to ever fully satisfy. We always want more. It’s unbelievable that we both feel equally insatiable. It’s not just him or just me. We both want everything from each other.

  We’re finally on the same page and this chapter is so good that I don’t want to turn the page. I just want to read this chapter over and over again.

  “Hmmm…that was nice. Hope your rug burns aren’t too bad?” I can’t help but giggle.

  “There’s nothing funny about what just happened, Sweet Thing. To watch you on top of me like that I would endure rug burns every day of the week. You are phenomenal, you know that, right?”

  I just hum into his chest as we lay on the floor catching our breath.