Where Does My Heart Belong?

by Libby Kingsley

  I ask him what he meant that day when he said ‘I remember.’ He said he had some kind of flashback, a memory. He was awake and these images came into his head. It was like medieval times but he doesn’t know where or when. He was kissing me and then all of a sudden there was some kind of an explosion and we both died. It’s bugged him ever since. I told him when he kissed me just then I remembered a kiss like that from a long, long time ago. He says, “I think Carol is right. Maybe there is something to this reincarnation stuff.”

  We sip our drinks and cuddle on the couch and I can tell he’s getting sleepier and sleepier. I don’t want him to drive in this condition. “Come on, you can stay here tonight but please don’t try and have sex with me.” He says he won’t.

  We go into the bedroom and he takes off all his clothes. My God he’s naked. He crawls into bed and before I can change into my nightgown, he is asleep and snoring.

  The next morning I fix him coffee, toast and scrambled eggs and send him on his way. He looks majorly hung over.

  Two days later, he calls and says, “I think I found an apartment, come, and look at it with me.” So I do. It’s a 2 bedroom, 1 bath in a decent complex. I tell him to take it; they’re hard to come by. He says I can move in anytime but I tell him it’s too soon, I want the divorce to be final first.

  When Carol is ready to head out for Seattle, Red is going with her. He’s going to drive a U-Haul with all of her stuff and help get them set up. He’ll be gone for a few days.

  While he’s gone, I decide to catch up with Beth. She is distraught and beside herself. Andy has quit his job and is leaving to take training at the State Patrol academy. I’ve known about this but never told her. He didn’t ask her to come with him so it looks like the end for them. I hold her while she cries and tell her to forget about him, find someone else to make her life with but she says there will never be anyone but Andy for her.

  When Red gets back, I help him pack up his things and move to the new apartment. He doesn’t want to stay in the house until it sells. “I want to take you out to dinner tonight,” he says. “I found a new restaurant that I want to try. Go on home and change and I’ll pick you up at 6:00.”

  The restaurant is lovely and so is the food. Once a week they serve seafood that has been flown in fresh and tonight is the night so I have a seafood platter and Red has a steak.

  They have a piano man playing soft music and Red asks me to dance. We are both lousy dancers. I guess that’s because we’re both musicians and always on the bandstand and never the dance floor. But we manage.

  “Let’s go out again Saturday night,” he says. “Dress up like a hippie, and we’ll go to Mountain View Lodge and hang out with the other half.”

  Cool, I’ve always wanted to be a hippie.

  CHAPTER 8

  When Red comes to pick me up on Saturday night he’s dressed in faded Levis with one knee torn out, a Hard Rock Café T-shirt, beaded necklace, an earring and cowboy boots. He hasn’t put gel on his curly hair so it poufs out like a small afro. I’m wearing a long denim skirt, a tight low cut red shirt that shows most of my boobs, feather earrings, a headband and Birkenstocks with socks.

  He stares at me. “Do me a favor, change that shirt.”

  “Why, don’t you like the view?”

  “I love it but I don’t want anyone else to.” So I go to my bedroom and look for another shirt.

  When I come back out he’s rolling a joint. Man, he’s really taking this hippie stuff seriously. I don’t like pot, I can’t stand the way it smells or tastes and have never even once gotten a high from it. Give me a drink of whiskey any day.

  “Where did you get that stuff?”

  “My brother Bob grows it in his basement.”

  A lot of the older houses around here have dirt floors in their basements so people tin foil the walls, put in grow lights and plant their own. Their electric bills must be atrocious.

  “Well, smoke that demon and then we can go. I’ll drive.”

  “Don’t you want some?”

  “I don’t care for it.” But I take a drag off it anyway.

  On the 30 mile drive to the lodge he entertains me with stories from his youth. He paid $5.00 for his first guitar and started playing when he was 6. By the time he was 17 he was playing in a dance band. He’s always loved to hunt and fish and his lifelong dream was to be a singer. That went down the tube when he had to get married. His second choice was to be a professional bum. That one could still be in the running and considering the way he’s dressed tonight at least he won’t have to get a new wardrobe.

  The lodge is jumping when we get there. We grab a drink in the bar and then go sit on the floor in the TV room with the other hippies and watch the summer Olympics. Everyone keeps running outside to smoke dope and by 9:00 o’clock there are a lot of wasted people.

  “Let’s get out of here, give me the keys,” he says. I don’t want to but I hand them over. It’s his car and he’s only had two drinks.

  We pull out of the parking lot and head down the road but instead of turning left at the crossroad he turns right onto a dirt road.

  “What are you doing, where are you going?”

  “Home, where do you think?”

  “This is the wrong way.”

  All of a sudden he yells and slams on the brakes. The car skids and slides to a stop. We’re at the top of a ravine, only few feet from going over the edge. He puts his head on the steering wheel and says, “Oh my God, I’m sorry.”

  We sit there for a while not saying anything.

  “I could have killed us both.”

  “Yeah, we could have died a second time together. I’m glad we didn’t, we just found each other, no telling how long it will take for the next incarnation. Get out. I’m going to drive. Help me get this thing turned around.”

  I manage to get the car back on the road and when we get back to the crossroad, I stop. He’s still shaking. I put my arm around him and say, “Look, it’s okay, we’re alright, and that’s what’s important. Where do you want to sleep tonight? Either you stay with me or I’m coming to your place. I don’t want you driving.”

  “Let’s go to my place. The bed’s bigger.”

  We stop by my apartment so I can grab some things and then on to his place. He’s got it fixed up nice. Carol’s interior decorating skills must have rubbed off on him. She’s left him with the couch, two chairs, two lamps and a king sized bed. He’s using apples boxes with towels draped over them for end tables and they look kind of cute.

  “I think I need a drink. Do you want a drink?”

  “Yes.”

  He fixes the drinks and then turns on the stereo. It’s my favorite musician, John Williams, the classical guitarist. We sit on the couch and sip our drinks, listening to the music. He’s got his arm around me and my head is on his shoulder. After a while he takes my glass from me and pulls me off the couch, “Come on,” and leads me into the bedroom.

  He pulls me against me and kisses me for a long time, his thumb caressing the nipple on my left breast and I feel my body respond. “I want you,” we both say at the same time. I let him take off my shirt and skirt and stand there in my bra and panties.

  “God, you’re beautiful. Go on, get in bed, I’ll be right back.”

  I get in bed and all of a sudden I’m scared, the passion is gone. I’ve never had sex with a man before. When he comes back he’s wearing only his shorts. He turns off the light and gets in bed with me. He reaches around me and unfastens my bra and takes it off. Then he’s kissing me and fondling my breasts. I feel the passion return. But when he starts to remove his shorts, I get scared again and start to shake.

  “Hey, hey, you’re shaking, what’s wrong?” I start to cry.

  He cuddles me to him. “You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”

  “No, not really, I’m an almost virgin. I was raped once but I don’t remember it, I was unconscious. But I’ve never had sex with a man.”

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. We
don’t have to do this.”

  “But I want to, it’s got to happen sometime and I want it to be with you.”

  “Only if you’re sure and if you want me to stop, I will.”

  “I won’t want you to stop.”

  Much later that night, I’m no longer an almost virgin.

  The next morning we’re sitting up in bed and he’s combing my hair with his fingers. He touches the scar on my head and says, “Do you want to tell me what happened? Does the scar have to do with the rape?”

  “Yes. I’ve never told this to anyone before, except for the doctors. Please respect my confidence and don’t tell anyone else.”

  “I won’t, baby, I won’t,” and then I tell him.

  “I was 12 years old. It was a Sunday, my folks were going out with some friends for the day, and they didn’t want me to go with them so they left me home alone. I was asleep in bed when an intruder broke in and ransacked the place. I woke up when I heard the noise and went to look. There was this big guy who was carrying something like a tire iron and he was smashing and rummaging through things. When he saw me, he went for me and fractured my skull with the tire iron. Then he raped me and left me for dead. My folks came home 6 hours later and found me in a pool of blood. I was in the hospital for 3 months, unconscious for the first one. I had to have brain surgery. I have a metal plate in my skull to protect my brain. That’s why the scar and the indentation. Brain surgery in those days wasn’t as good as it is now. I have to be x-rayed once a year to see if the plate has moved. They want to do a new reconstructive surgery but I haven’t wanted to deal with it.”

  “Oh, baby, come here.” He cuddles me and kisses my face all over, holds me tight against him while I cry.

  CHAPTER 9

  November 1968 - January 1969

  Red’s and my relationship continues to grow. His divorce becomes final and we spend almost every night together but I don’t move in. He’s a passionate, gentle lover and as my fear of being inexperienced lessens, I just can’t get enough of him. He’s always bringing me flowers, buying me little gifts, and takes me off for weekend get-a-ways to wonderful places. One of our best trips is to Seattle where we spend 2 great days with Carol and the girls.

  When we get there on a Friday afternoon, Carol is studying for finals so she asks us if we will take the girls until Saturday night so she can study. Red gets us a beautiful 2-bedroom hotel suite. The girls and I get to share a huge king sized bed while he sleeps in the other bedroom. On Saturday, we take them out to lunch and to the Seattle Aquarium. Later that night Carol gets a babysitter and Red takes us both out to Canlis, Seattle’s most beautiful exclusive restaurant. Situated on Queen Ann hill the dining room view over Lake Union and the city is spectacular, and so is the food and wine. It cost the earth but he doesn’t care, nothing is too good for his special ladies.

  When we leave for home on Sunday, he is happy and contented. His family is still together. Maybe not physically but emotionally and that means everything to him.

  A week or so after we get home he tells me he’s being transferred to the Ford dealership in Ashwood. The manager there is quitting and his boss wants him to take it over. They will pay him a salary plus commission. It’s supposed to be a promotion, but he doesn’t see it that way.

  “I sell more cars than anyone, why would they want to lose that? I think they’re all just jealous and want me out of the way. I’m a salesman, not a manager. I don’t want to do it. And what about us, are you ready to quit your job, pack up and go with me?”

  “Yes, it’s 90 miles away, that’s too far to drive back and forth every day. We would only get to see each other on weekends. How long have they given you to decide?”

  “One week. I think we should go to Ashwood and scope it out. I’ve been there lots of times but I never paid too much attention to the town and its dynamics.”

  “Then let’s go this week-end. If you like what you see we’ll look for a place to live and you can tell your boss you’ll do it.”

  We go to Ashwood the following Saturday and he checks out the dealership. It’s a lot bigger than the one at home but he likes what he sees.

  “What the hell, I may as well do it. Let’s see if we can find someplace to live.”

  We find a nice motel that offers furnished efficiency units. It will do until we can get an apartment.

  Back at home, he tells his boss he’ll take the job. I quit my job and we start packing up our stuff, putting most of our furniture in storage, and then we’re on our way to Ashwood.

  Once we get there, I start job hunting and looking for an apartment. I sign on with a temporary job service and get a job filling in for a secretary that is going to be gone for several weeks over the Christmas holidays. We find a nice 2-bedroom apartment and move in just before Christmas, after spending a horrendous weekend driving a U-Haul back to Eagle Valley in blizzard conditions to get our furniture.

  For our first Christmas together, I give him a new watch and he gives me a pair of emerald earrings that match my eyes. On Christmas day, we go down to the local Salvation Army and help serve Christmas dinner to the less fortunate. For New Year’s Eve, he buys me a new dress and takes me out to a swanky restaurant for dinner and dancing. The next day he tells me he has to go to Ellensburg for 5 days to a sales convention. He is leaving on the fifth. I don’t want him to go but I guess this is part of his job.

  On Friday, the 10th I rush home. I can’t wait to see him. He’s waiting for me when I get there. I fall into his arms and he carries me to the bedroom. Our sex is passionate and frantic.

  “That was incredible,” I tell him when it’s over. “Oh, my, I’m so glad your back.”

  He is strangely quiet. Then he says, “I need to talk to you and you’re not going to like it.”

  “What’s wrong, what’s going on?” I knew it was going to be something I didn’t want to hear.

  “I quit my job at the dealership.”

  “What? You did what?”

  “I know it’s only been a little over a month but I can’t stand it here, Lib. I’ve only sold two cars and I hate the management part of it. I told you, I’m a salesman, not a manager. I’ve found another job as a salesman at a dealership in Ellensburg.”

  “Ellensburg, that’s further away yet. You’re leaving, you’re leaving me?”

  “I’m never going to leave you, babe, but I’m going to Ellensburg and I want you with me. I know you’ve signed a 6-week contract for another job but after you’re done with that then I want you to come to Ellensburg. ”

  I’m sobbing into my pillow. Something in my psyche tells me that our relationship is falling apart.

  “I’m sorry, babe, I knew you would be upset, that’s why I waited until the last minute to tell you.”

  “Last minute, how ‘last minute’?”

  “I leave Sunday, day after tomorrow. I have to be there Monday morning.”

  I feel like my world has just fallen apart. I think I’m going to be sick. I get off the bed and rush to the bathroom where I vomit and retch. He comes in and holds me, washes my face and carries me back to the bed where he wants to make love to me again but I push him away, I have a horrible sick empty feeling in my heart.

  The next day I help him pack up a U-Haul truck and afterwards I tell him I wish I didn’t have to be here tomorrow. I don’t want to watch him drive away from me.

  “I know this is hard, baby, but I’m going to call you every day and as soon as the weather gets decent I want you to come up on week-ends. This isn’t the end. It will all work out, I promise you.”

  However, the sick feeling in my stomach tells me it’s not going to be.

  CHAPTER 10

  When I get home from work Monday evening, there’s a big bouquet of flowers waiting for me. Red is true to his word and calls me every day. He says he likes it there and sold two cars on his first day. He’s found another motel with efficiency and is looking for an apartment. He can’t wait to see me again and promises to fly me
up there as soon as the weather gets better.

  I call Beth and catch her up to date on everything that has happened. She says that she and Andy are over. He’s come home once to see her but she thinks it was only for the sex. She’s met a guy named Harold who is home on leave from the Army and he’s asked her out. I tell her to go, stop mooning over some guy who doesn’t want you.

  Red finally finds a 2-bedroom apartment. He‘s going to have a weekend off in two weeks so he’s coming back to me then. We’ll only have Friday night, Saturday, and Saturday night together before he has to go back on Sunday but that’s better than not seeing him at all.

  When he gets here on Friday he takes me out to dinner but he is strangely quiet, not his usual self. We make love after we get home but even that is subdued. I finally ask him what’s wrong.

  “I messed everything up by taking that job in Ashwood and then going to Ellensburg. I wish I’d stayed in Eagle Valley,” he says.

  “So, quit and we’ll go back there.”

  “I can’t, I signed a year’s contract.”

  “You did what? Since when do car salesmen sign a contract?”

  “The dealership wants long term employees. They’re tired of hiring people and then having them run off. I wanted the job, but now I’m not so sure. I think there’s some shady things going on there but I haven’t figured out just what yet. “

  “We’ll make the best of it. Once my contract is over, I’ll be able to join you. Like you’re always telling me, it will all work out.” But my intuition tells me different.

  The next day we leave the apartment and take off to enjoy the day together. Late in the afternoon we end up in a tavern where there's a country music band playing. After we sit down and order beer, he tells me that he knows the bandleader and goes over to see him. The next thing I know, he is on the bandstand playing guitar and singing with them. I watch him perform. He is in his element. I haven't seen this much joy on his face for a long time. When he finishes the set and comes back to our table, he is jubilant.