Where Does My Heart Belong?

by Libby Kingsley

  A security firm is busy putting in fencing, gates, and cameras and another crew is assembling a greenhouse and building a two-stall barn. Then all I’ll have to do is order sod and bring in a landscaper.

  I call the management company and tell them to start advertising for a tenant. The house should be ready to move into within the week.

  A few days later my friend Johnny calls and asks me to come to a local jam session on Sunday night and sing with him. One of the local bars holds an open mic session on Sunday nights and anyone can get up and perform. I haven’t sung in public since I sang with him in San Francisco, and I’m dying to get back on stage so I tell him yes.

  When I get there on Sunday night, he is already on stage performing with his original band. When they’re finished, he comes down, brings me up on stage, and introduces me to the audience. We decide to do a couple of our favorite duets. As we’re singing I look around at the audience and then I see him, it’s Red, the one and only love of my life, my first love, the man who dumped me 5 years ago, the man I have never gotten over. He’s sitting at the bar and staring at me. I muff some of the words to the song but Johnny covers for me. When we’re done he says, “What do you want to do?” “I want to get out of here, Johnny, please help me get out of here.”

  He puts down his bass, takes my hand, and leads me off the stage, through the back door of the bar and out into the parking lot to my car.

  “Oh God, Johnny, did you see him, it was Red. If he asks you about me please don’t tell him where I live or what I’m doing.”

  “The only thing I’m going to tell him is that I’m looking forward to beating the hell out of him one day. I could kill him for the way he treated you.”

  “Don’t do anything stupid, he’s not worth it. I’m sorry to run out on you like this but this has been too much of a shock. I had no idea he was back in town.”

  “Yeah, I think he’s been back for a couple of weeks. Stan told me he saw him, I think he’s working at the Chrysler dealership. Look, go on home and I’ll call you later, I’ll tell the guys not to say anything either but if he comes around and starts bothering you I want to know about it. I’ll take care of it.” Johnny is ferociously protective of me. He hugs me and I get in my car and leave.

  Three days later the management company calls and says they’re bringing a potential renter around. It’s a man who’s getting a divorce and he’s willing to pay 6 months in advance. I tell them to come ahead. I open the security gate for them and curious I wait and watch.

  Oh my God, they’ve brought Red, what in the world is going on? First, I see him on Sunday night, and now this. I hear them come into the house from the rear entrance. I grab my purse and keys and rush out the front door, jump in my car and take off. I can’t face this it’s too much. I drive on up on a hill across the road where I can watch and see when they leave. I pound the steering wheel and scream with tears running down my face. Why this, why now when everything was going so great. Thirty minutes later I see them leave and head back. I need a drink in the worst way. My only hope is that he didn’t like it or his background/credit checks won’t pan out.

  When I get home, the phone is ringing. It’s the management company. He liked the house and filled out paperwork for the background checks. I tell them that he’s my ex and I don’t want to rent to him. I asked them if he knows that I’m the landlord, they said yes, and he figured I wouldn’t want to rent to him but they told him that legally, because of my contract with them, I have no right to refuse him if he checks out okay. I am screwed.

  I hang up the phone and grab a bottle of whiskey. The phone rings again. It’s him. He wants to get together and talk but I tell him no, not today. He says how about tomorrow after work, can he buy me dinner? No, just come after 5:30. He says he’ll be here.

  I am still clutching the whiskey bottle. I take the cap off and drink from it. The alcohol burns going down and I cough and choke. Oh, God, I’ve got a little more than 24 hours to get myself together to be able to deal with this. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine seeing him again. I can’t do this. I can’t let him back into my life. I was so completely devastated when he walked out of my life 5 years ago.

  I slug down one more drink from the whiskey bottle and then call Tony. I need a friend; I have to talk to someone about this. I tell him what’s happened and that I don’t think I can stand the thought of Red being here. He doesn’t give me much sympathy.

  “Isn’t that one of the reasons you went back there? So you could get closure. You wanted to know why he left you so now is your chance. You need to deal with this, Libby. Confront him and make him tell you what happened. Just remember, don’t let your happiness depend on someone else. Keep in touch, I’ll be thinking of you, but right now I have to go, I’ve got plans this evening.”

  I hang up the phone and cry. Why don’t I like the fact that he has plans? It’s probably with one of his rich girlfriends. He was my best friend back in California and I wish he were here right now. I know that I told him I wanted closure, but I’d rather be back in San Francisco with him than seeing Red again.

  CHAPTER 26

  June 1973

  When I get home from work the next day, I’m as nervous as a whore in church. The phone rings at 5:30 and it’s Red. Is it okay to come now and can he bring a 6-pack? Yes, but come to the front door instead of the back.

  He couldn’t have been far away because he’s here in five minutes. I watch him get out of the car. God, he looks good, still slim and his red hair is still vibrant, it hasn’t started to fade out the way most redheads do. I open the door and he’s standing there grinning.

  “Hey, good looking, it sure is good to see you. You look great.”

  “Hi, Red, come on in.” I reach out my arm to shake his hand.

  “Forget that, come here.” He grabs me in a bear hug. I can smell the beer on him and I notice there are only five bottles in the 6-pack he brought.

  We go into the kitchen and I pour us each a beer into frosty glasses and hand him one.

  “You’ve got some nerve coming here after all this time and thinking I’m going to rent to you.”

  “I know, but I need a place in the worst way, I haven’t found anything else and wow this is something. This house is beautiful and you have a tremendous view, plus top notch security and everything.”

  “So what do you want to talk about?”

  “The management company said you don’t want to rent to me. Is it because of the way things ended 5 years ago?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I want to tell you what happened.”

  “Shut up, just shut up, I don’t want to hear it, there’s nothing you can say. You left me plain and simple and didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face. So unless you lost your memory or were abducted by aliens there’s only one explanation, you wanted to. I tried to call you on your birthday but your number had been disconnected. I called the dealership where you were supposed to be working and they said you had quit. I didn’t know if you were dead or alive. Then a few months later, I see your marriage announcement in the paper. I never want to go through anything like that again. You bastard, you lousy bastard.” I’m screaming at him now.

  “Yes, Libby, I left you but now I’m here. When Bob told me you were back in town, I came back, I want to set the record straight, and I didn’t leave you because I wanted to.” He’s staring down at the floor and when he raises his head, I see a tear running down his cheek. It’s the first time I’ve ever said an unkind word to him.

  “Legally I can’t stop you from moving in, but here’s how it’s going down, we each live our own lives and go our separate ways. I’ve heard that you’re a drunk; well you won’t be one here. There’ll be no drunkenness or wild parties. Don’t eat my food or drink my booze. And don’t ever try to get me to sleep with you again. If you don’t think you can live with that then just get the hell out.”

  “I can live with it,” he says. “I’ll do what
ever you want. Will you show me around the rest of the property? John didn’t show me the outside yesterday.”

  I give him a tour of the rest of the house; tell him how to change the combination on the keypad locks for the doors that go to his side of the house and introduce him to my little Jack Russell dog Zip and the calico cat Lecia. I take him outside and show him the property. He’s delighted with my fishing spot on the river and my little boat. “You can use it, it’s just sitting there dry rotting. I don’t do all that much fishing,” I tell him.

  We go back to the house and he pours us another beer. “We’ll make this work, Lib. I’ll stay out of your way but I want us to be friends again. We were best friend once.”

  “Yeah, and look where that got me. You’ve made a mockery out of everything I thought we had together. All that talk about being soul mates, how much you loved me and never wanted to live without me.”

  “Please, just give me a chance to explain, you really need to hear me out.”

  “I don’t need to do anything. We had everything going for us and you broke us. I’ll never believe anything you say again. Just get out of here.”

  After he leaves, I pour the last beer and sit at the kitchen table. The truth is I still love him; I still want to be with him. But I can’t forget what he did to me and the pain it’s caused.

  Why didn’t I let him tell me what happened? I guess I’m just too afraid to hear the truth. How in the world is all this going to work out? I can’t stand the thought of seeing him every day, and knowing that he’s right here just a few rooms away. I take the beer, and my little dog, Zip, and go into my bedroom. I get in bed, snuggle with Zip, and cry myself to sleep.

  CHAPTER 27

  It’s Sunday, Red is supposed to move in today, and I’m pet sitting for my friend Cathy. She’s left me with a blue and white parakeet named Screech, a large green parrot she calls Clarabelle, and Earl the capuchin monkey. Why can’t I learn to say no to her? These guys are a train wreck waiting to happen. The parrot has a vocabulary of about 150 words, a lot of them profane, and I swear the monkey understands every one of them. Clara will cuss him out and Earl will give her the finger. Then he tries to grab her so I have to watch them like a hawk or cage one of them up which they hate.

  I hear a car, it’s Red. He comes into the kitchen just in time to see me chase after Earl who is going for Clara.

  “What the hell is that thing?”

  “A capuchin monkey, I’m pet-sitting until tomorrow.”

  “That is the ugliest critter I’ve ever seen.”

  Earl flips him the bird and moons him. Clara flies from the top of the refrigerator and lands on my head. “You finally got a man, you finally got a man,” she squawks.

  “Shut up, Clara. This is my new neighbor, so behave.”

  “Where’s that fucking monkey?” she screams.

  “Jesus, this is totally unbelievable. Have I moved to a funny farm?”

  “If you don’t like it, tough. They’ll be gone tomorrow morning. My friend Cathy trains these monkeys for the Helping Hands organization but Earl flunked out so she bought him.”

  “Of course he did.”

  Earl has managed to make his way to the top of the refrigerator and sits there starring down at us, his long tail swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Then he focuses in on Red, stretches out his arms, and makes kissing sounds.

  “He likes you.”

  Disgusted, Red makes a wide berth around the refrigerator, and goes back to his side of the house where he starts bringing in his stuff. Later I hear him drive off.

  I coax Earl down off the refrigerator with a cookie and put his little bib overalls on him. He grins his monkey grin and hugs my neck. He likes wearing little clothes and hats. I hand him his favorite, a straw one, and he puts it on, admiring himself in my bedroom mirror. I too put on overalls and a straw hat.

  “Come on, Earl, let’s go out and get the mail, I didn’t get it yesterday.”

  Leaving Clara asleep on her perch, I snap on his leash, and we walk the ¼ mile to the mailbox. On the way back I hear a car behind us, it’s Red bringing in another load. He stops.

  “You two are quite a sight, wish I had a camera. Do you want a ride?”

  “No, we’ll walk, I need the exercise. See you back there.”

  When we get home, I fix tuna sandwiches and tomato soup along with potato chips for lunch and give Earl a ripe banana.

  Red comes in and I ask him if he wants something to eat. He sits down at the table and says “Sure, but do I have to eat with the monkey?”

  “No, I’ll put him back in his cage.” But Earl has other ideas. He gets off his chair and climbs up on the table across from Red, reaches out and strokes Red’s face with his little black monkey hands, then hugs his neck. I swear to God I thought Red was going to cry. How long has it been since anyone has shown him that kind of affection?

  “Come on, Earl, let’s go nighty-night.” He shakes his head no. I give Red his soup and sandwich and try to pick Earl up, but he screams and bears his teeth at me.

  “It’s okay, I can eat with him, but he needs to sit in his chair. What kind of food do monkeys eat anyways?”

  “They eat mostly fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, some bread; they train them with peanut butter. But his guy will eat anything. His favorite is pizza. Maybe I should get one for tonight.”

  “Do whatever but don’t count on me, I don’t know what time I’ll be home. There’s people to see and cars to sell. Thanks for lunch.” Earl picks up a potato chip and offers to put it in Red’s mouth.

  “I don’t believe this guy. I hope you’re not planning to get one. I’ll see you both later.”

  CHAPTER 28

  It’s a Saturday morning. I haven’t seen Red since last Sunday when he moved in. Maybe the funny farm was too much for him. I’m sitting at the kitchen table in my bathrobe with my nail clippers trying to remove a hangnail from my thumb when in he comes. He watches me struggle left handed with the clippers and then takes them from me and gently cuts the hangnail off, then kisses my thumb. I stare at him dumbfounded; why did I let him do that? He tells me that his brother Bob and his wife are coming over and he wants to show them around the place.

  “Great, it will be good to see them. Then I’m going to the florist for plants. “

  “What are you doing tonight?” he asks.

  “Nothing, I’m staying in. What about you?” He says he made a date last night but was so drunk he can’t remember her name.

  I go to my bedroom, get dressed and then into the bathroom to do my hair only to realize that I can’t find my hair gel, so I pull my bushy mane into a ponytail and go into the kitchen to look for it. Bob and Mary are just coming through the door.

  “Have you seen my hair gel? I know it was out here somewhere. Guess I’ll just have to go as a bush woman.”

  Red heads out the door, saying he will be right back. Bob and Mary sit down to have coffee with me and discuss Red.

  “Did Red tell you why he left you and what all happened in Ellensburg?” Bob asks me.

  “He started to but I told him I didn’t want to hear it. Nothing can change the fact that I got dumped.”

  “I agree, but you need to hear the story. He botched by not telling you what was going on and he knows it. It’s been driving him crazy for 5 years. He should have told you. I know it looked like he left you for another woman but nothing could be further from the truth. So please, let him tell you what really happened. He’s never stopped loving you and he never stopped looking for you after you left here.”

  Red is back. “Who’s your daddy?” he says as he hands me a tube of hair gel. “Oh, bless your heart,” I exclaim. Now I know exactly where my hair gel went, on his hair. We always did use the same kind.

  “Come out on the deck,” he says opening the sliding glass door. “Sit down.”

  He stands behind me and removes the rubber band from my ponytail releasing the curly mass.

  “Wow, your hair needs
a hot oil treatment bad, this feels like a horses tail.”

  Then he sprays my hair with water and gently works the gel through it with his fingers. When he’s done, I look like a new person with soft sexy hair falling around my shoulders.

  His wife, Carol, was a beautician and she taught him how to cut and style so he could do her hair. He’s really pretty good at it and except for the one time when he cut my hair too short on top and bushed it out on the sides so that I ended up looking like Larry from the 3 Stooges, I’ve always trusted him do my hair.

  He gets out his wallet and hands me five dollars. “Pick up a hot oil treatment and I’ll do it for you tonight.”

  “What about your date?”

  “I’d rather do you, eh… your hair. Hey, how about we pick up some KFC and play cards tonight?”

  “Yeah,” Bob says. “I can bring along a home movie of our trip to the Grand Canyon. Do you have a movie projector?”

  I don’t want to do this but I know Bob & Mary would love for Red stay out of the bar so I agree. I leave them all there, go to the florist, and spend some $200.00 on plants, colorful perennials, annuals, and shrubs. I want to create a showplace on my beautiful property. I can’t wait until the sod is in and all the landscaping is done.

  They’re still there when I get home. Mary has taken a headache so she and Bob leave for home, promising to come back later for dinner and to watch the movie. I couldn’t believe it, Red spent the entire afternoon helping me plant flowers. We didn’t talk much. He was kind of distant like something was bothering him. He only spoke when he asked me where I wanted something planted. After finishing up we both went our separate ways to clean up. Bob and Mary arrived at 4:00 and the guys took off to pick up the food at KFC. When they got back, Bob suggested that we watch the movie first since it was early so I got out the film projector and the screen and got everything set up. Oh, my god, it wasn’t movies of the Grand Canyon; the first scene was two naked men kissing.