by Hughes, Maya
Tears welled in my eyes. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever allowed myself to think I could do.”
She wrapped her arm around mine and pulled us to a stop. “You have a choice, Liv. I had the same doubts. I took some time for myself and realized it was what I wanted. You need to do that, too. You can’t become a doctor for anyone else but you. Not for your parents, not for Colm, only yourself.”
“Our parent’s legacy is the most important thing to him. The life they envisioned for us is frozen in time eight years ago. Colm can’t even think of any other options.”
“But you’re an adult, like you said. He can’t force you to go to medical school.”
“No, but I don’t want to let them down either. It’s my earliest dream.” And I don’t think he’d ever speak to me again if I didn’t.
“Dreams change all the time. That’s why I took a year off before going to med school. I needed to make sure it was what I wanted, not something I was doing out of obligation. He’s your big brother, and he’d do anything for you.”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand how much this means to him, how much it meant to them.”
“Maybe not, but this is your life. Talk to him—like, really talk. Not the bickering you do, but an actual adult conversation where he’ll see you as the adult you are.”
I blinked back my tears. “I don’t even know if he can. I’m frozen in time as the little girl squeezing his hand at our parents’ funeral.”
“When he gets back, you need to find a way to make him understand what you want from your life or you’ll never be happy.”
I shrugged. We made it to the restaurant and ordered our food. Was Ford having dinner? Inviting someone into his bed? Watching Netflix in his hotel room alone?
“Is it weird being with Declan when he’s gone so much?”
Mak slurped up the noodles hanging from her mouth. “It’s taken some getting used to. I never realized how many games professional hockey players have every season.”
“How are you two managing it?” My ramen swirled around my bowl as I poked at it with my chopsticks. I hated being away from Ford and we weren’t even dating, let alone married.
“We’ve gotten creative.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her drink.
I glanced up at her with a smirk. Resting my hands under my chin, I scooted my chair closer. “Creative how?”
“You know.” Her gaze darted away.
I set down my chopsticks and leaned over the table. “I think you’re going to have to lay it out for me.”
She chucked a spring onion at me. “Let’s just say it’s a good thing we don’t have to pay our phone bill by the minute.”
I laughed and ate more of the salty, broth-infused noodles. “You’re running your own phone sex line, huh?”
“Practically. Being apart isn’t that bad. Med school is insane most of the time, so it’s good he’s traveling. Then I don’t feel as bad when I need to study for ten hours straight, and when he’s home, I can keep the studying to a minimum so we get to spend time together.”
“It sounds like you two have it worked out.”
“It does, but we both live in mortal fear that he’ll be traded, or I’ll match at a residency program outside of Philly and then we’re apart for eight months out of the year.” She pushed around the chicken in her soup.
“If there’s anyone who could do it, it’s you two.” They were that kind of couple that radiated lovey-dovey feelings from across a room.
“Declan would run himself ragged trying to fly to me whenever I had a full twelve hours off.”
“He’d charter his own plane if he needed to.”
She laughed and picked up the dessert menu. “Don’t give him any ideas.”
Back at the house, we sat together and went back to the other problem sets. Like she said, the material was clearer, and I finished the last set of questions in an hour.
“Next time take a break before the coronary, please.”
“I will.” I zipped up my backpack right as my phone pinged. “The taxi is here. I wouldn’t have gotten it done without you.”
“You’d have figured it out.” She squeezed me in a big hug. Maybe I had a big sister after all. Mak let me go and stared into my eyes. “Should we meet next week?”
“Next week.” We walked to the front door.
Pulling it open, she put her hand on my shoulder as I stepped out. “Take some deep breaths and remember to give yourself a break.”
I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out, the air catching each puff and whisking it away into the inky night sky.
“See, you’re already learning. Night, Liv.”
“Night.” I hopped into the taxi and waved to her. She stood in the doorway until I disappeared from view.
Slipping my phone out of my pocket, I spotted the game notification on my newly downloaded app. Swiping across the screen, I checked out the most recently posted word.
D-E-F-T-L-Y, picking up a triple letter score on the F, intersected with my S-T-Y-L-E-D. So, he wanted to play hardball. Going through the different options along the drive, I settled on S-O-B-E-R-L-Y.
Ford: Is that how you’re doing things tonight? No parties or cocktail-making sessions?
Me: I don’t drink every night.
Ford: I know, but I figured it’s the weekend…
Me: Not after getting my exam back. Colm won’t let up about it. Please don’t add to the pile.
During my taxi ride over, we played a few more words. As I climbed the steps to my apartment, my phone buzzed in my hand.
“I wouldn’t do that. I know you’re working your ass off in school and devoting so much time to dance, too.”
I opened my apartment door and dropped my bag beside the door. “Maybe I shouldn’t be. I’ll probably cut down on the classes I teach next month. Obviously three times a week is too much.” Someone else could take over for a while. I could show them the routines and make sure everyone kept on track with their progress.
“You can’t do that.” His words came out rushed and forceful.
“Why not?”
“I saw you in that class in front of everyone. You loved it. There…you were different up there. I’ve never seen you happier.”
“But med school—”
“Med school will still be there, but if you don’t do something that makes you come alive, what’s the point?”
The silence hung between us. It seemed like everyone was doling out that advice lately.
“Are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Just think about it. I hate the idea of you giving up something you love to chase after a future you don’t even want. I’ve got to go—our flight is boarding.” His voice caught like he wanted to say more.
“Bye, Ford.”
“Night, Liv.”
I sat on the edge of my bed with his words running through my head. The idea of giving up teaching made me want to scream, but all that time was time I could devote to studying. It was time I should have been devoting to studying, time lost and brain power devoted to new moves and choreography and energy expended until I was sweaty and barely able to breathe…time I’d never been happier. Which dream did I get to live? The one that had always been there and made my family proud, or the one that made my heart sing?
15
Ford
Sweaty and winded, I skated off the ice.
“Those saves were insane today.” Emmett slapped me on the shoulder. We climbed out of the box and walked through the throng of fans who’d come to watch us play.
I nodded. A couple of kids shook a jersey with my number on it in front of the tunnel. It still blew my mind that people paid money to wear my jersey, that little kids could be excited to see me out on the ice.
Dropping my gear, I took their pen and scrawled my name across the number. Their faces lit up and they jumped up and down. I gave them high fives, then ducked inside the tunnel to the locker room.
&nbs
p; Everyone got changed and onto the bus to the hotel. It had been a long stretch on the road. The bus was quiet on the way there, back-to-back games and travel having wiped everyone out. We’d be home soon, but not soon enough.
I had my headphones on but wasn’t playing any music. I didn’t need to add to the chaos in my brain. Declan, Emmett, and Heath bolted to their rooms before the bus had come to a complete stop in front of the hotel, probably for some quiet time with their better halves. I hung a hard right and headed into the hotel bar. Maybe a drink would quiet my mind. The dance with Liv ran through my head on a constant loop. I couldn’t escape, not that I wanted to. She had stared into my eyes, resting her cheek against my hand, and I wanted to freeze that moment, preserve it forever and never leave it. The wedding kiss had been burned into my mind, but the one in her dance studio was seared into my soul.
Scanning the shelves, I looked for a bourbon I could sink my teeth into. After ordering a drink and some food, I took a spot at the far end of the bar as far away from the door as I could get. Up in the corner, a silent replay of the game and commentary from talking heads on a sports show glowed on the TV.
I checked the time, thinking maybe I should give Liv a call. It wasn’t too late.
“What are you doing down here all alone?”
I grimaced as the long, thin fingers ran along my back up to my shoulder and down my arm.
“Don’t worry, honey. I don’t bite.” The tall, slender brunette sat down, choosing the stool next to mine out of the thirty other empty seats in the entire place, and she didn’t take her hand off my arm. Desire filled her eyes—and recognition. I bit back a curse. Puck bunny. It was the downside of team hotels—women like her knew exactly where we’d be.
Normally this wasn’t an issue and cut down on a lot of the talking needed to get someone into bed, but that hadn’t been my MO for a while. That eager look usually meant a night of mindless, sweaty sex, but hers was coupled with a greedy glint, like she was a hungry Rottweiler and I was a meaty pork chop.
I dropped my arm off the bar and slipped out of her hold. The bartender slid a glass across to me along with a plate piled with a bleu cheeseburger and fries. My stomach rumbled the second the smell hit my nose. Damn, I was hungrier than I’d thought. I turned and picked it up with both hands, broadcasting all the signals of leave me alone. The heft of the burger had my full attention as I took a bite. It wasn’t as good as Fish’s, but it hit the spot.
“It was a great game tonight,” she purred beside me.
“One got past me,” I grumbled, shoving a couple fries into my mouth.
“But you stopped eight other shots.” She preened, leaning in. Her chest rubbed against my elbow.
The muscles in my back bunched. A year ago I might’ve considered her attention. I would have gotten out some of my pent-up energy in a sweaty, lust-fueled session that would have left her with an inability to walk and a satisfied smile she’d wear for a week, but all I wanted to do at the moment was eat my food and hope Liv could squeeze in a little time to talk to me before I passed out.
“If you’re still feeling down about that goal, I’m sure I could find a way to help you get over it.” She ran her hand along my knee. Chicks this gung-ho were always bad news. I’d learned that lesson back in college. Getting up from the stool, I threw my bourbon back, an oaky taste followed by a sharp burn. It was a shame—something like that deserved to be savored.
“I’ll take this to go.” I caught the eye of the bartender, threw some bills down, and stalked off to the bathroom. I’d barely gotten my dick out at the urinal when the door to the men’s room banged open. The muscles in my neck tensed at the telltale click of heels against the black-and-white tile floor. Shit!
“Naughty boy.” Once again her hands were on arm. What part of no eye contact and leaving within a minute of her sitting down had made her think I wanted to bang her in a bar bathroom? I clenched my jaw and willed the world’s longest piss to end. The only thing worse than being stuck in there with her would have been walking home with piss-soaked clothes.
Shaking my shoulders, I tried to dislodge her arm. She walked around the front of me and I did my best to shield myself using the barrier between the urinals as she stood on her tiptoes, staring at me like I was an animal in the goddamn zoo.
“The stories are true. I should’ve made sure you were at the top of my list, sweetheart. There’s only four of you left.”
I stared into her eyes, and her gaze jumped up to meet mine. “What part of you telling me you’ve slept with most of my teammates makes you think I’d want to go anywhere near you? And I can sure as hell assure you that you’re not getting anywhere near Declan, Heath, or Emmett, so it looks like your collection’s going to remain incomplete.”
I zipped up and stormed out of there before she tried to tackle me to the floor. That chick was insane.
Back in my room, I stared at my phone, hoping Liv would message or call. Standing up, I dropped it onto the bed and paced. Don’t suffocate her. You can go the night without talking to her. I interlaced my fingers behind my head and stared at my phone like it was a bomb ready to go off. We’d kissed—again. She’d invaded my mind, and I was kind of okay with being pushed to the edge of crazy by her. It was driving me absolutely out of my skull with how much I wanted to see her again.
Had she watched the game like she’d said she would? I picked up my phone and tapped it against my palm. Just do it. I sent the message before the rational part of my brain kicked in, and her response was immediate.
Liv: You kicked ass tonight!
My wide grin hurt my cheeks. I tapped out a message and knew I’d probably pass out on my skates the next day, but I also knew it would be worth it.
Me: What did you think of the first play in the second period?
* * *
Flying in and out of the city so often, I felt like my apartment had a revolving door.
Another week gone and another long trip on the road. Why did I even have an apartment? It would’ve been less hassle to sleep in my car, and the trips seemed to stretch on a lot longer when I knew what was waiting for me at home.
I hadn’t expected Liv’s invite. It was a first, coming from her to me instead of the other way around. Remnants of hot chocolate and marshmallows sat at the bottom of our green and red mugs on her rug. It was a toasty, warm feeling that made me want to eat some cookies. This was what it felt like sitting in my mom’s kitchen right before Christmas.
Liv’s boxes of pictures were stacked on top of her bed.
“This was not what I expected when you invited me over.”
“Did you think it would have to do with booze? Maybe carving a block of ice into an ice luge for shots?” She chuckled, flipping through more pictures.
“No, I figured you’d try to paint my nails or something.”
She tugged open her bedside drawer and grabbed the bottle of polish rolling around in there. I spotted the box of condoms shoved in the back, and my fingers tightened around the stack of pictures in my hand. Paging Mr. Hypocrite.
“That can be arranged. I think electric blue might be your color. There was a woman in my class with hair this color. She said my choreography made her think of a bright, crazy blue dance party.” She slapped the bottle against her palm.
Shaking my head, I looked at the neon polish in her hand and backed up, slipping off the edge of the bed. She shot forward, grabbing my hand. Bracing my hand against the wall, I stopped my fall.
My fingers wrapped around hers, and the jump of her pulse beat against my callused fingers. Her eyes widened, and her full, pink lips parted. They were shiny from where she’d been nibbling them while she flipped through the pictures.
The taste of her, even masked by the alcohol, flooded my mind, the heat of her palm warming my skin through my jeans. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I let go of her hand.
She gently shook her head like she was coming out of a trance, the same one that called to me whenever I was
near her. It was for self-preservation, to maintain my sanity and because I knew what taking that step with Liv would mean.
My friendship with Colm was hanging on by a thread. It might never recover from what had happened with Felicity, but if I went after Liv, he’d probably try to kill me—or he’d tell Liv all the details of how I’d gotten between him and his fiancée and then how would she look at me? First Angelica and then Felicity? She’d hate me. What I needed to do was keep my hands and my lips to myself. It had been working so far…well, most of the time.
Pushing off the wall from my awkward spot in the gap beside her bed, I stood up and grabbed her desk chair.
“As if I don’t get enough crap from the guys. Showing up with neon-blue nails would get me an earful.”
Her gaze darted from my spot on the bed to my new seat as she lifted her lips in a half smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
“Tell them it helps with wind resistance on the ice. With how you’ve been playing, they’d all be wearing it within a week.” She picked up another box and flipped off the lid. It bounced with a muted thud. “Do you remember this one?” She tossed the picture into the stack I’d been flipping through, and I picked it up, the edges worn and tattered. Staring back at me was a younger version of myself. I looked so awkward and overly large, like my body had outgrown my ability to control it.
“I look like an insane person. Why would you take a picture of me like this? And why the hell is my hair all shoved up on one side?” I turned the picture around so she could look at it again.
“It was after the state championships junior year. You put the lucky sock in your helmet, remember?”
I threw my head back and laughed. It had started out as a joke someone played on me, shoving my helmet to me at the last minute with a used sock in it, but we’d won that game, had killed the other team five to nothing. They’d been our biggest rivals and had kept Rittenhouse Prep out of the state championships almost every year before we’d started high school.
