Critical Failures (Caverns and Creatures Book 1)

by Robert Bevan

  “I didn’t level up,” said Tim.

  “About that,” said Dave, suddenly far less enthusiastic than he had been. “Mordred said he was bringing us all up to level 2. You were already there, so I guess you didn’t get any charity points.”

  “What a shithead,” said Tim. “I really can’t wait until we get back.” He pounded his fist into his open palm. “I am going to beat the shit out of him.”

  “Um... Tim,” Dave said quietly. Tim looked up at him. “That’s something else Mordred talked about last night. He said we’re never coming back. And I um... I think he meant it.”

  “What do you mean never?” asked Tim. “You mean never never?”

  “Yeah,” said Dave. “He said we’re going to die here.”

  “That’s just tough talk,” said Tim. “He’s just trying to scare you.”

  “I don’t think so,” said Dave.

  “Let’s just wait until Katherine gets back, and we’ll have a group discussion about it,” said Tim.

  “All right,” said Dave. “I’m going to go and figure out what spells I should pray for today.”

  “I still don’t get that,” said Julian. “If you don’t worship any particular god, then who do you pray to?”

  Dave shrugged. “I just pray.”

  “You’d better go do whatever you’ve got to do to get your spells ready,” Tim said to Julian.

  Julian picked up his spellbook and found a relatively quiet spot where he could concentrate. The only spells he had to prepare in advance were his wizard spells. He picked Magic Missile again without even thinking about it. He liked that spell. The end result wasn’t as awesome as he had hoped it would be when he read the description, but he liked the tingle in his fingertips and the crackle of magic running through his forearms just before the release. An extra Magic Missile might make a big difference, but he still resented the fact that he had to spend fifteen minutes memorizing the same gestures and incantations that he’d already memorized a number of times before. He didn’t bother choosing any zero level wizard spells. That would have added another forty-five minutes to his prep time, and the payoff from those shitty spells wasn’t worth the time. If he needed any zero level spells, he’d have enough as a sorcerer.

  Sorcery was a lot easier than wizardry. In the same amount of time it took to memorize that one lousy Magic Missile spell, Julian could have his entire host of sorcerer spells, a total of five zero level spells and four first level spells, ready to go. The best part was that he didn’t even have to choose which ones he wanted beforehand. No, the best part was not having to rely on that giant goddamned book.

  And so a total of only thirty minutes had passed by the time Julian finished all of the preparation he intended to do. He walked back to find Chaz strumming lazily on his lute. Tim was chucking pine cones into the fire. Cooper was chucking pine cones at Ravenus, who was dodging them with ease.

  “Knock it off, Cooper,” said Julian. Cooper spat on the ground and threw another pine cone. Ravenus turned his head to watch it fly by a foot away from him.

  Tim looked up. “Finished already? That was fast.”

  “Dave’s not finished yet?”

  “Nah. He’s going to be at it for another half hour at least.”

  “Cooper was right,” Julian admitted. “I should have been a sorcerer from the beginning. Wizardry kind of sucks.”

  “They both have their advantages and dis –“

  “Help!” shouted Katherine.

  Tim and Julian jumped up at once. Julian noted with some surprise that Cooper did not stop throwing pine cones at Ravenus, and Chaz didn’t miss a single note on his lute. Then it came to him. They hadn’t heard the scream. Their ears weren’t as sensitive as his and… shit. Tim was gone.

  “Cooper!” Julian shouted. Cooper threw a pine cone at him, and missed by a long shot. “Katherine’s in trouble.”

  Cooper’s face turned serious. His tusked underbite was even more pronounced than usual. “I’ll get my axe.”

  Chaz put down his lute and propped himself up on one elbow.

  “Stay here, Chaz,” said Julian. “Get your rest. You’re no good to anyone in your current state. We’ll take care of this. Ravenus! Stay here and keep an eye on the camp. We should be back in just a few minutes. Come find me if there’s any trouble.”

  Julian ran off in the direction that Tim had gone, with Cooper crashing through the forest behind him.

  “Katherine!” Tim shouted. “Hang on! We’re coming!”

  Katherine screamed. As Julian got closer, he could hear the snarls and growls of a creature he sincerely hoped was her wolf.

  “Help me!” cried Katherine.

  Julian plunged through the underbrush and into a clearing. His jaw dropped open. On the other side of the clearing, about twenty yards away, Katherine and her wolf faced off against the biggest ant Julian had ever seen. It was at least as big as a horse.

  Tim had obviously not been quite as overcome with the creature’s awesomeness. He charged at the massive ant as fast as his little legs could carry him, and broadsided the beast with his sword. It was a solid hit. The blade of Tim’s sword plunged into the ant’s thorax, all the way to the hilt. He pulled the sword back out and swung around for a second strike, and then stopped. His arms dropped to his sides. Katherine was laughing.

  “My hero!” Katherine shouted, clapping her hands and smiling.

  It was only then that it occurred to Julian that the ant wasn’t moving. It wasn’t even standing up. It’s body was flat on the ground with its legs sprawled out in different directions. A closer inspection of its face revealed the back of an arrow shaft poking out of each eye.

  The wolf started snarling and growling, tugging at one end of a giant antenna. Katherine held the other end, yanking it left and right.

  “There’s a good boy. Who’s afraid of a stupid big ant? No, not you.”

  “Why were you screaming?” asked Tim, panting and out of breath.

  “I needed some help,” Katherine said. “I can’t carry this thing back to camp by myself.

  “You are such a fucking bitch.”

  Cooper finally struggled his way out of the trees. “Jesus Fuck!” he shouted, and charged at the ant with his great axe.

  “Cooper, no!” Tim shouted, but he hadn’t even managed to finish before Cooper had sliced the ant’s head off.

  “Ha!” said Cooper. “How do you like that, you big fucking ant!”

  “Okay fine,” Tim admitted to his sister. “That’s some pretty funny shit.”

  After Cooper realized what was going on, even he had a sense of humor about it.

  “So you really took that big bastard down all by yourself?” Cooper asked Katherine as they walked back to camp. Katherine led the way, the brambles and vines seeming to move aside to let her pass, but doing no such favors for the rest of them. Tim carried the ant’s head in his arms. Cooper had the rest of the ant slung over his shoulder.

  “Yeah,” said Katherine. “The poor thing barely knew what hit him. I borrowed Chaz’s bow. Did you know I could fire a bow, Tim?”

  “No,” said Tim, spitting out some bits of leaf and bark from a branch that had just slapped him in the face. “I didn’t know that.”

  “I didn’t know it either,” said Katherine. “I’m really a good shot with it too. Thwack! Thwack! One in each eye.”

  “I’m proud of you, sis,” said Tim. “I’m sure you’ll-”

  “Hey, you two. Shut up,” said Cooper. “I’ve got an idea.” He put the ant body on the ground.

  “That’s not really your strong suit,” said Tim cautiously.

  “Fuck you,” said Cooper, grinning. “This is going to be awesome. Here, give me that head.”

  Before Tim had any time to object, Cooper grabbed the ant’s head out of his hands and put one finger over his lips.

  “Shhh...” he said. “Go into camp, and watch Dave. Don’t say anything to him. Just watch.”

  Tim looked at Cooper do
ubtfully but said nothing. He looked at the ant head in Cooper’s hands, and then up at Cooper’s tusky grin. Some sort of recognition clicked inside of him, and he smiled. “Okay,” he said. “Come on, Kat. We won’t want to miss this.”

  “What about the ant?” asked Katherine.

  “We’ll come back for it.”

  Julian stayed behind with Cooper. He plucked the arrows out of the ant’s eyes and scooped out as much goop as he could from inside the head. He put the ant’s head over his own. It fit perfectly. He turned toward Julian.

  “How do I look?” asked Cooper.

  “Better,” said Julian.

  Cooper offered a clawed middle finger to a tree just to the right of Julian. “Only problem is I can’t see.” He took the head off.

  Cooper circled around the outside of the camp’s perimeter. Julian followed behind him, not worried about being sneaky, as he couldn’t hope to make as much noise as Cooper was. After about ten minutes, Cooper stopped.

  “There’s Dave,” he whispered.

  Dave was about thirty yards away, on one knee with his arms raised in the air and his eyes closed. He was chanting quietly, but the words were unintelligible as far as Julian could make out.

  “Okay,” Cooper whispered. “I’ve just got to make it past that tree, and then the one over there. Then the way is clear.” He put the ant head back on and stumbled toward the first tree, groping around at empty air until he found it. He repeated the routine toward the second tree, making enough noise to wake the dead. Dave was so deep in his meditation that he didn’t even stir.

  “Braaauuuuuggggghhhh!” Cooper shouted as he jumped out from behind his tree, waving his arms menacingly and looking slightly to the right of where Dave was kneeling.

  Dave’s eyes opened as wide as cue balls. He lost his balance and fell on his side.

  Cooper jumped up and down, hopping from one foot to the other. “Braaauuuggghhh! Braauugghh! Braaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh!”

  A few seconds more of this passed before Dave was able to summon the wits to scream. And then only a few more seconds before he realized what was going on and stopped screaming.

  Cooper’s shouting turned into laughing, and he slapped his big meaty thighs. Laughter sounded from the direction of the camp as well. Dave turned around to see everyone peeking out from behind trees at him, chuckling up a storm.

  “Fuck all of you guys!” Dave shouted. He scrambled on the ground, trying to stand up. Before he succeeded, he found a nice fist-sized rock. “And fuck you too, Cooper!” He chucked the rock at Cooper. It bounced off of his ant mask.

  “Ow,” echoed Cooper’s voice from inside. “What the fuck, man?”

  “You think that was funny?”

  “Yes,” said Cooper. “I thought it was fucking hilarious.”

  “You couldn’t have waited until I finished my prayers? I was almost done!”

  “All right dude, calm down,” said Cooper, tossing the ant head onto the ground. “Go ahead and finish up your prayers.”

  “I have to start from the beginning now,” said Dave. “I need a full hour of uninterrupted concentration.”

  “Oh,” said Cooper. “That blows. Well, you’d better get back to it then. By the time you’re done, breakfast should be ready.”

  “Breakfast?” asked Dave. The anger had left his voice. He licked his lips. “What’s for breakfast?”

  Cooper gestured down at the head on the ground. “Ant,” he said, grinning.

  “Are you sure we can eat that?”

  “They do it all the time on those survival shows,” said Cooper. “They’re arthropods. They probably taste like lobster.”

  “Your mom tastes like lobster.”

  “Nice one,” said Cooper.

  Dave raised his middle finger at the camp and got back down on one knee. He looked up at Julian and Cooper. “You mind?”

  “Right,” said Cooper. “Come on, Julian. Let’s go get that ant.”

  “So,” said Tim when Cooper and Julian returned. “Does anyone know the proper way to cook ant?”

  “I say we just chuck it on the fire and let the meat boil in the juices,” said Cooper. “The shell will just act like a pot.”

  After waiting for any objections and hearing none, Cooper went ahead and dropped the ant body onto the fire. After a few minutes, a tendril of steam rose out of the hole where Tim had punctured the thorax.

  “How long should we wait?” asked Katherine.

  “We don’t want to take any chances,” said Tim. “This is a big fucker, and we want to make sure the meat cooks through. Let’s give it until Dave finishes his prayers.”

  “Who’s he praying to anyway?” asked Katherine. “Jesus?”

  “He’s not praying to anyone,” said Tim.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “He didn’t choose a god when he made his character,” Tim explained. “He chose two spell domains. Destruction and Healing. I guess he’s praying to those.”

  “I don’t see how-”

  “You should be able to understand this better than anyone,” said Tim. “His spells work the same way yours do. Did you choose a god?”

  “I didn’t choose anythi- wait a second… I have spells?”

  “Of course you have spells,” said Chaz, with some irritation in his voice. “Where the hell did you think those wolves were coming from that disappeared after a few seconds?”

  “That was a spell? I thought it was just something I could do.”

  “Nope,” said Tim. “It’s a spell.”

  “But I didn’t pray for it.”

  “Can you do it now?”

  Katherine closed her eyes and steepled her fingers. She opened her eyes and put her hands down. “No,” she said. “There were some words I said or something. I don’t remember what they are now.”

  “Shit,” said Tim. “Hurry up. Go and prepare your spells. Fuck, we’re never going to get out of here.”

  “How do I prepare my spells?”

  “Look at your character sheet,” said Tim. “There should be a list of spells that you can cast. Pick which ones you think will be the most useful, and meditate on them.”

  “Okay,” she said uncertainly.

  “Hey bard,” Tim called out to Chaz. “Did you get your spells ready yet.”

  “Yeah,” said Chaz. “Finished that up a while ago.”

  “Thank fuck,” Tim muttered. He turned to Cooper. “If you don’t mind, we should really get that fire going a little stronger. Can you go rip some dead branches off of some trees or something?”

  “No problem,” said Cooper. He ran off into the woods.

  “Don’t go far!” Tim shouted after him.

  “Anything you’d like me to do?” asked Julian.

  “Shut up,” said Tim.

  “Can do,” Julian said bitterly.

  “No, really,” said Tim. “Shut up. I thought I heard something.”

  Julian shut up and concentrated.

  “Did you hear it?” Tim whispered.

  “I hear quite a lot of crashing and thrashing about over there,” said Julian.

  “No,” said Tim, peering off in another direction. “That’s just Cooper tearing down trees. I thought I heard something over there.”

  Julian followed Tim’s line of sight, but all he could see were trees.

  “What did it sound like?”

  “I don’t know. It just sounded like something other than the normal sounds of the woods.”

  “Should I get the others?”

  “No,” said Tim. “It might have been nothing. Let them focus on their spells. God knows we’ll need them.”

  “What about Cooper?”

  “He’s getting firewood. We need to get that fire going stronger if we’re going to eat that ant meat.” He stopped to think for a moment. “Still, tell Ravenus to be ready to go get him if anything jumps out of the trees to kill us.”

  Julian called Ravenus and relayed Tim’s instructions.

  “A
re you expecting something to come out of the trees and kill us?” asked Ravenus.

  “This is C and C world,” said Tim. “I’m always expecting something to come out of the trees and kill us.”

  Ravenus nodded. “Shall I scout out the perimeter?” he offered.

  “Fuck no,” said Tim sharply. “The last thing we need is for you to be off fucking some floozy bird while we’re getting ripped to pieces by a bunch of ogres or something. Stay where we can see you.”

  “I’ll just wait up in the top of this tree here then, shall I?” suggested Ravenus. “Good view from up there.”

  “Fine,” said Tim.

  Julian nodded his agreement with Tim’s decision, and Ravenus flew up into the higher branches of the tree.

  Tim and Julian stood still and listened, neither of them hearing anything but the sound of branches being ripped off of trees off in the direction Cooper had gone. From the sound of it, Cooper was really enjoying the task. They continued listening, bows in hand, ready to fire.

  Time passed. It might have been as few as fifteen minutes, or up to an hour. The uneasy feeling that there was something out there watching them, combined with the strain of continuous diligent listening, made it seem like much longer. They were only able to cap it at an hour because nobody had returned from their meditations yet. When the source of the sound finally gave itself away, it wasn’t with the crack of a twig, but rather with a horrified and incensed outcry.

  “In the name of all the gods!” an all too familiar voice shouted. “What is the meaning of-”

  Julian nearly jumped out of his skin. “Ravenus, go!” he shouted. “Find Cooper!” Ravenus flew off.

  Captain Righteous Justificus Blademaster stepped into view. He was dressed in polished silver armor with golden accents. It showed no signs of ever having seen combat, but it looked more than capable of holding its own in one. The same held true for the huge steel shield he carried in one hand, and the longsword he brandished in the other. This was not what he had been wearing when they met him a couple of days ago. This looked to be more like what Julian imagined a knight might wear to church or something.

  “You!” Tim said.

  “I thought I might find you boys here,” said the captain. “Where are the rest of you?”