Before You

by Lisa Cardiff

Jax sighed. “My dad thought he could control me by withdrawing his support from the band. I need to show him I can make it without his help, his connections. That’s been my focus for the last three years, but when I’m around you, none of it seems important.”

  Bre laughed bitterly. “I know. I’m not judging you. I’m just as bad. I don’t try to sell my artwork because I don’t want to have anything in common with my mom. She’s an artist, so I won’t let myself pursue my dream. I know that’s irrational, but I don’t want to be like her.”

  Jax nodded. “You’ll never be like her. From the moment I saw you at that crappy bar, I could tell you were real and genuine.”

  Neither of them said anything for a couple minutes.

  “Can I ask you something?” Bre said, interrupting his thoughts.

  He paused for a second before answering. He didn’t want to answer any questions about Cam or his dad. “Okay,” he answered hesitantly.

  “Why did you kiss me at your party?”

  Jax turned to look at her and noticed the blush staining her cheeks. “Because I wanted to.”

  “Why?”

  Jax stroked his thumb over her bottom lip. He knew he shouldn’t do it. Just because she and Cam had broken up didn’t mean he had any right to touch her, but he couldn’t help himself. God, he loved her lips. “Because you’re beautiful and fun to be around, and when you look at me like you are right now, you’re hard to resist.”

  “You think I’m beautiful?” she said, raising one eyebrow and leaning toward him.

  “You know I do,” he whispered.

  With their mouths inches apart, Jax could see the dark line around the edge of her amber irises. She rested her hand on his thigh, and he placed his hand on top of hers, loving the feel of her touching him. She smiled and it was beautiful and sweet, and he didn’t want to resist his attraction to her any longer. Even if it were a technicality, Cam didn’t have a claim on her anymore, not at this moment.

  With her free hand, she ran her fingers along the side of his face. “I think you’re beautiful, too.”

  “Beautiful?” he questioned. “I don’t think a man wants to be called beautiful.”

  “No?” She shrugged, laughing. “You’re right, beautiful is the wrong word. How about handsome or sexy?”

  “Much better,” he said, his voice low and gravelly. He wrapped his hands around her waist, pulling her closer. His fingers dipped below the waistband of her jeans. “You have soft skin.” And he wanted to caress every inch of that skin. Her mouth parted in surprise, but she didn’t protest.

  She moved her hand to his chest. “You have really soft, sensual lips. I’ve thought about them a lot since we kissed. It was nice.”

  “Just nice?” he murmured, leaning forward to nip her ear. She smelled fresh like lavender and sunshine.

  “Oh,” she moaned, her breathing shallow. “No, it was definitely better than nice, but I think we should have a do over so I know for sure. You left me so… unsatisfied before.”

  He pressed his lips against hers and smiled. “I’d be more than happy to have a do over. I’m sure I can do better this time, but I don’t want to pressure you.”

  “I’m sure,” she said, sliding her hand from his chest to his neck.

  “You don’t think this is too soon?” He let his hands wander a couple inches under the bottom of her shirt.

  “Too soon?” she said, looking baffled. “Why would it be too soon? If anything, it’s not soon enough.”

  Jax chuckled. “You and Cam…” He hesitated, not wanting to talk about Cam. It didn’t seem right on so many levels. He didn’t want whatever was happening between them to be a reaction to Cam.

  “This,” she said, then she kissed him lightly again, letting her fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of his neck. “Has nothing to do with him.” She kissed him again. “This is about us.” She looked down for a moment and returned her gaze to his. “I want you, Jax.”

  He wanted to believe her, but if he had any decency or loyalty to his friend or the band, he would call her a cab right now and walk not run to the airport to catch the next flight out of town. He wanted Bre from the moment he laid eyes on her from across the bar in LA, but he wanted her to want him, not as rebound, but for a relationship, because one night with her wouldn’t be enough.

  Turning his head, he looked around the bar and he noticed that they were attracting some attention. They needed to get out of the bar. Cam and Bre had friends in town and pawing at Bre in public wasn’t a good idea.

  “Let’s leave,” he announced, releasing his hands from her waist and throwing his leather travel bag over his shoulder.

  “Jax, what’s wrong? Are you mad about what I said?”

  Jax grabbed her hand and pulled her to his feet. “Far from it, but we have an audience.”

  Her eyes widened as she looked around the bar. “Oh. Do you have a room here?”

  “No. I didn’t make any reservations.”

  “Then let’s go to my house,” she said, pulling on his arm.

  Stepping closer to her, he rested his forehead against hers. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  She looked around the bar, avoiding his eyes, and he momentarily regretted questioning her.

  “Yes,” she answered, biting on her bottom lip. “More than anything.”

  “Wait here. I’ll have the doorman call a cab. Meet me out front in five minutes.” He brushed his finger against her lips. “If you’re not out front in five minutes, I’m going to come in here looking for you.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be there.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Rolling over, she curled herself around the warm body in her bed. It hazily registered in her mind that it felt good not to be alone for once. Cam was back. Smiling without opening her eyes, she remembered that he said he couldn’t make it, but he must have changed his mind and all she could think right now was thank God he caved. She couldn’t bear three more months of making excuses for her absent boyfriend. She had a hard time dealing with the pitying looks and not so subtle comments about Cam’s absence.

  Burying her head in the crook of his neck while she ran her hands over his chest, she inhaled his warm, spicy scent. “Mmm, you feel so good,” she mumbled. “I’m so happy you’re finally here with me.”

  She heard him make a low, contented sound in the back of his throat as his teeth lightly nipped her earlobe and she held her breath. She couldn’t believe that she was actually with Cam, that his hands were touching her, moving all over her. Feeling like she couldn’t get enough, she lifted her leg and curled it around his waist, arching into him. She usually wasn’t this forward, but she couldn’t help it. The way he touched her—as though he couldn’t get enough—erased all the relentless paranoid thoughts streaming through her head for the past few months.

  He pressed her onto her back, and her body nearly hummed with pleasure. Then she opened her eyes and screamed. “Jax, what in the hell are you doing in my bed?” Her eyes frantically ran over his body. “Oh my god, you’re naked!” She gasped. “And I’m naked.”

  Hyperventilating, she hysterically slapped and pushed at his chest until he rolled off of her. “Tell me this isn’t real.”

  “Bre, what the hell is your problem?”

  Almost certain her mouth was bobbing like a fish out of water, she clamped her mouth shut, leaving her lips pursed into a thin line. “What is my problem? Are you fucking serious? How can you ask me that?” He just stared at her, completely dumbfounded, acting as if she were the simpleminded person in the room. “You, being naked in my bed, is the problem. Isn’t that obvious?”

  Jax jumped out of the bed, tossing the blankets from his side of the bed in her face. “I didn’t hear any complaints last night.”

  For a second, Bre remained completely and blissfully oblivious to what he meant, and then it hit her like a ton of bricks, and it wasn’t just the memories that made her feel as though she had been blindsided. It was also that sneaky
raging hangover that she hadn’t even felt ten minutes ago. Alcohol, remorse, and unadulterated mortification swirled together in her stomach like a vengeful bitch, and she ran for her bathroom, hoping she made it before she hurled the contents of her stomach onto the floor.

  After brushing her teeth, she sagged to her knees, resting her head on the toilet seat. She knew this wasn’t going to be the last time she’d pine her prior state of righteous indignation at Jax being in her bed. Ignorance had its benefits.

  As her eyes drifted closed, she heard a light knock at the bathroom door. “Bre, can we talk?”

  “Jax, just go back to your hotel or wherever you’re staying, and I’ll call you later.”

  “I don’t have a hotel. We left the hotel bar before I had a chance to check in.”

  Bre groaned. “Well, just go anywhere but here. I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “I’ll leave, but not until we’ve talked.”

  Bre banged her head lightly against the toilet seat desperately, hoping it all would disappear—everything, not just Jax. If only she could go back in time and make this all disappear, she would be one happy, no, ecstatic person. “Fine, but then you’re leaving,” Bre replied as she threw on the robe hanging from the back of the door.

  As she opened the door, Jax handed her a glass of ice water. “I thought you might need this.”

  “Oh… thanks,” she mumbled, her voice barely audible.

  “Look, Bre. I’m sorry I acted like an ass this morning. I was frustrated. I guess you drank more than I realized last night. If I had any idea, I would have never let last night happen.”

  “Last night shouldn’t have happened for more reasons than me having too much to drink. You’re one of Cam’s best friends.”

  “And you’re Cam’s girlfriend.”

  “Ex-girlfriend. We broke up last night. Remember?” She retorted sharper than she intended.

  Running his hands through his perpetually messy hair, Jax sighed. “I know. I meant that I’m not the only person responsible for what happened last night.”

  Bre knew without a doubt that Jax was right. Never a fan of people who tried to place blame on other people for their mistakes, she refused to start doing it now just because she had made the biggest mistake of her life. Fumbling with the belt of her robe to avoid looking at him, she cleared her throat. “I know. What should we do? I don’t want to lie to Cam, but I don’t know if telling him is the right answer. What happened between us was wrong on so many levels. I feel sick when I think about it.”

  For a second, Jax looked hurt by her comment, but he suppressed the emotion so fast, she wasn’t completely sure what she saw. No, Jax wasn’t hurt. She was just another fling to him, one of many. As the thought floated through her mind, she felt queasy again, because the thought of being one of many faceless women in Jax’s life didn’t sit well with her.

  “It didn’t make you feel sick last night,” Jax replied, his voice hard and bristling. Then, his voice softened. “I know you feel something for Cam. You two have been together for a long time, but it’s not as if last night was out of the blue. There’s been something happening between us for a long time. You can’t deny it.”

  Feeling the blush heat her face, she ducked her head and turned her back to him. She knew there was truth in what Jax said. When she visited Cam in LA, she’d ended up spending more time with Jax than Cam. Cam was always busy and preoccupied, and Jax was Jax. He always had time for her, but she never seriously considered what his attention meant. If she were honest with herself, however, the signs were there.

  The sailing trip and the night Cam disappeared at Jax’s party, Jax entertained her and laughed with her. That night when he kissed her, she wanted that and so much more, but when he walked out of the room five minutes later with Katie and moved on to a random five minutes after that, she convinced herself it didn’t mean anything.

  After her grandma died over a month ago, Cam’s work and the band once again prevented him from being by her side. Even though she tried to empathize with his busy schedule, it killed her that Cam wouldn’t alter his plans when her grandma had played a huge part in both their lives. Jax showed up at the last minute, claiming he was Cam’s proxy. Strange enough, when Jax arrived, she didn’t give another thought to Cam’s absence. She let Jax hold her hand and console her through the entire ceremony. No, let was the wrong word. She didn’t let him do it. She craved it, she needed it, and even seeing the looks of surprise flash across people’s faces when they saw it too, she didn’t let go or push him away. She needed him, and she was too distraught to turn away the comfort he provided.

  Lost in her reflections, she startled slightly when Jax slipped his hands around her waist, loosely looping his thumbs under the belt of her ivory silk robe. She knew she should tell him not to touch her or step out of his embrace, but she couldn’t do it. Instead, she inhaled his scent and leaned the back of her head against his chest, remembering every detail of last night. Perfection was the only word she could think of to describe being with him last night, but the fact that she even had that thought was wicked on so many levels, so she covered her face, hoping it would erase her feelings and hide them from the world.

  “Jax, we can’t do this.”

  Turning her around to face him, he placed one hand on each side of her face. His smoky gray eyes studied her for a moment and then she watched with detached fascination as his head lowered, letting those flawless lips brush across hers. Part of her knew she should stop him, but she ignored that part, deciding instead to let herself have this one moment before she severed the connection between them forever. So she closed her eyes tightly and lost herself in the moment and in the feel of his lips against hers. They couldn’t be friends, or anything else if she still wanted Cam and his family in her life, and giving them up wasn’t an option. She and Cam broke up last night, but Cam and his family had always been the center of her life, her air, and she couldn’t fathom life without their support.

  The soft groan escaping his mouth brought her crashing back to reality. Turning her head to break the kiss, she drew in a long, shuddering breath. “No, I won’t do this to Cam. I’ve known him all my life, and what we did was hurtful not just to Cam, but all of us. I don’t do this. Doing this…” she waved her hands back and forth between the two of them, “isn’t me. I can’t be that person. Even if I don’t want to be with him, I still love him. We’ve been friends as long as I can remember and being with you will hurt him and his dream.” She knew she should say more or try to explain what she was thinking, why her relationship with Cam was essential to maintaining her sanity, how without him she was in danger of becoming like her mom, but the words were stuck in her throat. The longer she remained quiet, the tighter her throat constricted, and she didn’t think she could say much of anything even if she wanted to.

  “I guess I misunderstood. I thought you and Cam were over…”

  “We are,” she interrupted. “But I can’t be with you and still be his friend, and I need his friendship. I’m sorry I misled you. Last night, I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “Fine,” he said, his voice not much more than a husky murmur. “It would never work between us. We’re too different.” He laughed lightly. “You know me, I’m not the relationship type of guy. We should let it go. Forget it ever happened. Cam doesn’t need to know. I won’t say anything. Technically, you weren’t together, so it doesn’t matter. We’ll go back to being strictly friends, nothing more.”

  The minute the words came out of his mouth, her breath caught. He said exactly what she wanted to hear, but it felt entirely wrong. Looking at his face, she no longer saw the charming Jax she knew, she saw the perpetually jaded Jax that she watched dismiss hundreds of overeager girls without a second thought.

  She stared at him with horror as he pulled out his phone and started scrolling through his contacts. Tears streamed down her face, and he looked… bored, ready to move on with his life and on to his next conquest. She wa
nted to rip the phone out of his hand and smash it into a thousand pieces. Did she mean so little to him? Did he even care about his friendship with Cam? Was this just a joke to him? She thought he cared about her, about Cam. Isn’t that why he showed up last night?

  “I need to call a taxi to get to the airport. I think I can catch an earlier flight. I’ll wait outside.”

  “Wait. Why did you come last night?”

  “Cam thought you might be upset. I had some free time so I volunteered to check in on you.” He shrugged noncommittally as he pulled something from the inside pocket of his tailored black jacket. “This is for you,” he said, dropping an envelope on her entry table.

  “You’re not going to the gallery opening tonight?” The minute the words fell out of her mouth, she knew it was a dumb question. Of course, he couldn’t come now.

  “Given the circumstances, I think I’ll pass.”

  “Okay,” she mumbled as she watched him walk out the front door without even bothering to say goodbye. She waited to feel a surge of relief that he hadn’t put up a fight; that she was off the hook, and there wouldn’t be any complications or messy feelings. Instead, an unexpected hollowness formed in her stomach and she sank to knees on the stairs, sobbing silently.

  Hours passed while she stared absently at the front door and her cell phone. Having no idea how to continue on with her life now that she had betrayed Cam and destroyed her friendship with Jax, she couldn’t bring herself to move. She had difficulty swallowing against the dryness in her throat, and her eyes were puffy and swollen, but most of all she felt vacant, desolate, and exhausted.

  She couldn’t decide if she was waiting for Cam to call or for Jax to come back. Jax promised her he wouldn’t say anything to Cam and that they both could pretend as though nothing happened. That may be easy for Jax, who had a constant stream of new women in his life, but not for her. Cam was her one and only boyfriend and the one and only person she had ever been intimate with before last night. Ignoring that there were now two people on her list of sexual partners rather than one was virtually impossible. Groaning, she feared she’d succeeded in becoming a soon to be forgotten notch on Jax’s bedpost while, for her, the night with him would be firmly embedded into her psyche, seared into mind like a brand.