Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist
Page 14
I told him I would come to him before he gave me the address and told me to call when I got close.
“I’m on my way.” I said before he told me to calm down and he would see me soon.
I hung up the phone still hurt and mad but a bit happy that I at least had one person I could count on. I thought about how much Anthony cared for me but my mother couldn’t as I gathered my shit and crept out of my room. All of the shit Spicy had said to me and the shit she had left unsaid made it easy for me to leave out of the house that night with no intentions of coming back. As soon as I was in my car I dialed my brother’s number to tell him what was going on. My call went straight to the voicemail after only one ring and I knew KJ had turned his phone off.
“Damn KJ, you too.” I said as tears welled up in my eyes again.
I pushed those tears back though as I dialed Rah’s number and waited on her to answer. Rah’s phone rang a dozen times before her answering machine popped on. When it did my emotions burst forward and I let them pour out in my message.
“Damn Rah, this how it’s gonna be for real? We been friends forever and its over because I fucked up once? I’m sorry Rah, I really am and I promise I will make it up to you. I just need you now friend because I have nobody else. Something up with Spicy, she was talking about some nigga stalking her. I think the nigga my father because she said she won’t let him get me. I don’t know what it’s about though Rah and she still won’t give me answers. I left there tonight with almost everything I own and I don’t know if I’m ever going back. I have no one, just this pain that I probably will always have. Anthony the only person in my life who hasn’t turned their back on me, so I going to stay with him. You know how to get in touch with me if you ever want to so I’m just gonna end this here. Know that I love you friend and I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry Rah.” I said before I hung up and threw my phone into the other seat.
When I hung up that phone I felt like that was me cutting off the last ties to everyone I had ever known. I felt empty inside as I drove towards South Haven and reflected on my life. As soon as I made it to Stateline Road I called Anthony and he directed me to the house. Five minutes later I pulled into the garage and jumped out to run into his arms.
“Kaniyah, what’s wrong baby? No worries, I’m here.” Anthony said as he held me in his arms and I cried on his shoulder.
He carried me into the house like he had done the night before and laid me on the couch. Anthony sat down and held my head in his lap as he told me I could stay with him forever.
“I really care about you Kaniyah, you can stay with me as long as you want. Now, do you wonna tell me what’s been having you so distraught?” Anthony asked as I looked up into his eyes and saw nothing but love.
I didn’t see why I should hide anything from him at that point when he was the only person there for me. That’s why I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave him the condensed version of my life. I told him all about how my mother hated me and wouldn’t tell me where I came from. I could feel him shake a little when I talked about that and I figured it was because of his relationship with his mom. I figured he felt my pain being that he loved his mom so much and wished for nothing more than having her back. That’s why I just continued my story instead of focusing on that eerie nagging feeling that had returned to my heart.
“So now my brother mad at me because I left with you. He cursed me out earlier then when I tried to call before I left he sent my call to voicemail. Rah hate me too because I missed her appointment that morning when you turned off my phone. She got jumped as a result and she blaming me, so that means I lost her too. I really have nobody out here Anthony. Everybody I love hates me. Hell, sometimes I hate myself too because of the hell I go through. I just feel like my world falling apart right now at a time I’m supposed to be happy. I graduate next year with honors and got my book handed to R. Kelly, you’d think I would be on top of the world. Instead here I lie, broken and distraught on a man’s couch I’ve only known a few days. Oh my God Anthony, I feel like my life is over.” I cried as I sat up and Anthony wrapped me in his arms again.
He rubbed my back and filled me with his love as he laid kisses all over my face.
“Baby, it’s gonna be okay. You always got me. Your family loves you too though, I’m sure they do. Maybe you all just need a break from each other. I tell you what.” Anthony said as he grabbed my purse off my shoulder and told me to take out my phone.
“Since they don’t want to talk, neither should you. Just turn this off until you are ready.” Anthony said in a loving yet stern voice as he took my phone out of my hand and turned it off.
I wanted to snatch it back and tell him I had told him about touching my shit, but I was so broken that I couldn’t even argue. I figured maybe he was right, I should give them a break like they were giving me. I didn’t even ask for the phone back after Anthony turned it off, I just told him to sit it on the table. After that I kissed him deeply as he held me and rubbed my hair. He made me feel whole again and forget my hurt, and for that I was grateful.
After a few minutes of Anthony consoling me, I had pulled my shit together enough to go with him to get my bags out of the car. Once we carried them in he cleaned out the right side of his closet and a few drawers in his dresser so that I could put my things away. Anthony helped me hang my clothes and made a spot on his desk for me to write as we laughed and danced to the music he had turned on.
By the time we finished with my clothes the lasagna Anthony had in the oven before I came was done and we sat down to eat. We talked about the possibilities of our lives together as we ate and I saw forever in his eyes. After smoking a blunt and showering, Anthony and I got into his bed. We fell asleep that night wrapped up together in a state of pure bliss. I felt content knowing that someone had my back and I woke up still feeling good. I kept that feeling for about three weeks too as I lived with Anthony on my own.
I went to school from his house each day and returned every afternoon. Out of those three weeks no one from my family called, not even my brother KJ. By week four the texts and calls began again, but by that time I was the one who wasn’t ready to talk. Just like Rah had avoided me at school by changing her classes, I made myself scarce as well. I texted only once a week to let my brother know I was alive and each time he would text back how he was going to kill Anthony for taking me away. What he didn’t know was that him saying that only pushed us further and further apart.
Anthony wasn’t the one who had ruined my life or relationship with them, Spicy had done that. She had ruined a piece of me too because I was able to erase them all from my mind easily. I went three months after that without seeing or really talking to my family and friends while Anthony encouraged me to stay away. I couldn’t see then how he wanted me all to myself because I was happy to finally have love. I felt whole with Anthony those four months we were together so much so I rarely talked about those I left behind. That is until Christmas break rolled around and I started missing my family’s love.
By then me and Anthony were closer than ever and still hadn’t had sex. He gave me all of the love I needed and didn’t pressure me to fuck like the niggas in my neighborhood had. However, there was still something missing from my life. Something still didn’t feel quite right. I figured it was because I was homesick and seeing my brothers could cure that. That’s why that Friday Christmas break began, December 23rd, I came home and told Anthony of my plans to go home for a week, and to my surprise he objected.
“I don’t know about that Kaniyah, you just now getting yourself together. I don’t want you to go back and they upset you and then you come back worse than before. I don’t know about this shit. Maybe it’s a bad idea. Besides, I thought I was all you needed.” Anthony said in a serious tone before he forced a smile and grabbed me around the waist.
For the first time since we met I felt a little resentment towards him for wanting me to completely abandon my family. It was okay for me to talk about it and ra
nt about them when I was mad. However, it was something else to hear him talking down on them as an outsider and I could do nothing but tell him that.
“Look Anthony I know you have my best interest at heart, but we’re talking about my family. I don’t need you talking down on them, only helping to lift me up. Yeah, me and my mama don’t have the best relationship but I love and miss my brothers.” I said as I looked up at him and he rolled his eyes.
I pulled away from his ass after that and walked into the bedroom to pack. Anthony followed me inside as he pouted and I finished what I had to say.
“I care about you Anthony, I really do and I appreciate all you’ve done. However, I can’t be with someone who wants me to not have a relationship with my brothers, so if that’s it tell me now.” I said as I turned to look at him with a serious expression on my face.
I was ready to walk away from his ass forever at that moment if he couldn’t accept my family. I think he knew that too because he suddenly changed his irritated expression to a warm smile. I wasn’t buying that shit though because I could see something else in his eyes. That didn’t matter though because my mind was made up, I was going home. I continued to pack my shit as he sat on the bed and told me he was sorry.
“I’m sorry if I made it seem like I wanted you to choose between me and your family. I just love you Kaniyah, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” Anthony said and took me completely off guard.
I quickly turned around to stare at him as he sat there with his head down.
“You love me Anthony?” I asked as I walked over to him and he stood up.
He had my dumb ass then, with only that phrase. My thoughts of leaving him alone were out of my mind as soon as he uttered those words.
“Yes, I love you Kaniyah, I really do. Go do what you have to and I’ll be here when you get back. I just pray all goes well.” Anthony said before I told him that I loved him too.
Me and Anthony hugged as I told him I hoped it would go well too and not to worry about me. When we let go he helped me take my bags to the car and then watched me drive away. I felt sad as I drove away from Anthony and his love while I hoped that things at home would go well.
“Here we go, back to hell. I just hope shit has changed.” I said to myself as I drove into Memphis and imagined a happy family Christmas.
Somehow though I knew that wouldn’t happen; and if I knew what was to come I would have turned my ass around.
Chapter 9
“Na Na? Naaa? Is that my sister for real? Hell, yeah my sister home, now I know this gonna be a good Christmas.” My little brother Ky yelled as I parked in front of the house and blew my horn.
I sat in my car and smiled as I watched him bang on the door before he hopped off the porch to meet me.
“Na Na, I’m so happy to see you. Tell me you are home to stay.” Ky said as I got out and he wrapped me up in his arms.
His little red ass seemed to had grown five inches in those four months I was gone, because at 14 he was towering over me. I laughed as he held me firmly and then began to swing me around in the air. I missed him just as much as he missed me too and I wasted no time telling him.
“I missed you to my Ky Ky. You know you my smart mouth, big head baby. Yes I’m back, maybe not to stay but I bet we make the best of the time we have. Where everybody at?” I asked Ky as he put me down and stood in front of me looking a little less enthused as he was before.
I know that was because he wanted me to be home for good but I couldn’t make a promise like that. All I could promise was we would make the best of our time we had and hope he would understand. His face told me that he was trying to as he forced a smile and shook his head.
“Okay Na Na, well maybe you’ll change yo mind. Anyway, KJ in the house with Peaches and Kam.” Ky said as my brother Kam suddenly burst out of the door while he yelled my name.
“NA NAAAA!” He yelled as I laughed and Ky rolled his eyes.
“Well, there go Kam dumb ass and as you can see he stupid as ever. Anyway, let us help you with yo shit so I can get back to this dice game. I’m gonna gone ahead and break these niggas so I can come in the house and kick it with you.” Ky said as he kissed my cheek once more then started to take my bags out of the car.
By that time Kam was off the porch and had me in his strong embrace.
“Maine, I missed you big sis. Shit just ain’t the same without you. KJ ain’t been the same either. We gotta get this shit together, for real. I love you big sis.” Kam whispered in my ear as we hugged and I told him how sorry I was for everything.
When my brother let me go I had tears in my eyes and he quickly wiped them away.
“Hey, hey, hey now. Ain’t gonna be no crying today lil mama. We gonna have fun and turn up all Christmas break. Ain’t shit gonna ruin that. Besides, we don’t want these weak ass niggas thinking you went away and came back soft. Make me have to merk one of these weak ass boys.” Kam said as he turned to look at the group of boys still shooting dice on the porch and they all cursed him out.
I could do nothing but laugh and be glad to be home as I watched Kam and one of the boys slap box while Ky yelled for his lazy ass to help. It was like I had never left home as I slipped back into routine with the ones I loved most. I pulled Kam away from the boy named Tank who he was fighting before he hugged me and welcomed me home. I spoke to all the boys on the porch whom I knew from the hood before I helped my brothers with the bags.
“Damn Na, I know you SAID you don’t know if you home to stay, but from all this shit I can’t tell. Why the fuck you got so many bags and they so fucking heavy? Shit, you gonna break a nigga arm and shit then I can’t be a superstar on the court.” Ky said as he carried two suitcases and a huge garbage bag that had gifts in them up on to the proch.
Kam agreed with Ky that I was bringing home the world and I laughed as they both pretended to be broke down.
“Okay since you niggas complaining I guess y’all don’t want y’all gifts that’s in there then.” I said as I walked into the house and let the screen door slam in their faces.
I could hear Ky scream hell yeah and Kam struggle to open the door as I continued to laugh and walk deeper into the house. Everything was clean inside just like it had been before I left, the only difference was the new 72 inch tv, computer, rug, and Play Station 4 in the living room. I stopped right in front of the tv and waited for my brothers to come in so I could ask questions.
“First of all, where Spicy at before I get comfortable? Second, where all this shit come from?” I asked as I held my arms out and my brothers laughed.
Ky didn’t say anything as he continued to laugh and carry the bags he had to my room. Kam waited around until he was gone to tell me what was up.
“Well, Spicy at work sis.” Kam said as I bucked my eyes shocked and he shook his head yes.
I had to close my eyes and then open them back up again to make sure I wasn’t dreaming when he said that.
“Yes, I know it’s a shock but our mama got a job two months ago. She been working and doing good too, to everybody fucking surprise. Her and KJ bought all this shit though. Mostly it was KJ. You know he still on his hustle and he got a little after school job at Superlo too. Everybody trying to do better now sis, that’s why me and Ky ready for you to come home. I know KJ is too because he been worried as fuck about you.” Kam said as I soaked in all he said while I continued to look around.
I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone for a second as I thought about all the changes and how I could merge back into everything. I stood there just stuck in my thoughts as Kam continued to ramble.
“AITE, I’M OUT THIS BITCH. TIME TO GO BREAK THESE BITCH ASS NIGGAS. BE BACK IN A MINTUE BIG SIS. IT DON’T TAKE ME LONG.” Ky yelled as he broke the haze I was in.
I laughed at him as he ran out of my room, back down the hall, and kissed my cheek before he went towards the door. I damn near died of laughter as I watched Kam try to trip Ky when he passed then acted dumb when he complained.
I stood at the end of the hall and watched them fight into my bedroom door as I laughed and remembered the good and bad times we had in that house. As I stood there and reminisced, KJ heard all of the commotion and came out with no shirt and boxers on to see what it was.
“Maine what y’all niggas got going on out here?” KJ asked as he stepped out of his room with his dreads all over his head looking like a wild man.
“Maine, I was all in the pu” KJ said and then stopped as soon as our eyes met.
It was like time stood still as my brother and I stood on opposite ends of the hall and said everything we needed to with our eyes. I was sure KJ could see the hurt and sorrow in my eyes just like I saw his. That’s why we didn’t have to say words as we met each other halfway down the hall and instantly hugged.
My brother hugged me so tight as we stood there I thought he would break me in half. I mean, he was squeezing the fuck out of me as he said he was sorry, but I still didn’t want him to let me go. I could tell he didn’t want to let go either as he continued to hold me and Kam and Ky came out of my room laughing.
“Awww look at the Ghetto Twins back together again.” Kam said as he laughed and Ky laughed with him.
“I know right bruh. Them folks look like they don’t know whether to cry or kiss and shit.” Ky said and they both laughed harder as me and KJ both reached out our arms at the same time and flipped them the bird.
That didn’t stop them fools though as they wrapped arms and pretended to be us.
“Oh KJ, I missed you brother.” Ky said in his best impression of my voice as me and KJ laughed and let each other go.
“Oh Na, I missed you to sis. I love you.” Kam said as he imitated Kj and pretended to kiss all over Ky’s face.