Pregnant By My Mother's Rapist

by Niki Jilvontae

  “What the fuck? I slept ten hours? That had to be a dream.” I whispered to myself in a horse voice as I touched my sore, tender throat.

  I could feel the imprint of Anthony’s hand around neck as I ran my fingers over the tender spots and I knew it wasn’t a dream. Tears fell from my eyes automatically without warning as I remembered everything that had happened.

  “He raped me.” I said finally realizing it myself as I grabbed up Berry and swung my legs out of the bed.

  I knocked down most of the BeBe, Pink, and Louis Vuitton bags that were on the left side of me as I put my feet down on the floor and attempted to stand up. I tried but as soon as I was in an upright position the pain from my battered pussy shot up to the pit of my stomach and I fell back on to the bed.

  “Oh My God!” I yelled out before I quickly covered my mouth with my hand and cried.

  I cried until my tears had filled my hand then I tried again to stand up. That time I was able to stand fully as the pain in my stomach subsided. When I felt stable enough to walk without killing myself or Berry I stumbled over to the door and flicked the light switch on to illuminate the room. As soon as the light was on I noticed the blood on the bed beneath the dozens of bags and I reached down to touch my coochie.

  Just like my neck, my pussy was sore, tender to the touch, and blood dripped from my fingertips as I moved my hand back up to my face. I felt my heart flutter when I saw that blood and I wished I could take it all back, however I knew that I couldn’t and a part of me didn’t want to because I still felt satisfied. I cursed at myself as I stumbled back over to the bed because I couldn’t help but to remember how A1 Anthony’s head and sex game was. I had to tell myself that shit didn’t matter as I gathered up my clothes off the floor while I still held Berry in my arm. I told myself that what Anthony did wasn’t right despite that silly, naïve voice inside of me that said a little pain was alright when you were being fucked right.

  I ignored that shit as I sat Berry down and quickly slipped my jogging suit and shoes back on. There was no way I was listening to that voice when my body felt like I had gotten gang raped by 6 football players. No, I had enough sense to know that the freaky S&M shit Anthony was on was too rich for my blood. That’s why despite the voice I continued to dress and hoped that I would be able to escape.

  I had just put my purse on my arm ready to leave every fucking thing I had brought when Anthony suddenly walked back into the room with a happy, yet surprised look on his face. I could tell he didn’t expect for me to be up from the expression on his face and from how he looked from me to the empty spot in the bed. He had me fucked up though because I was up and fully dressed, and my fight or flight instincts had kicked in.

  I felt like I was ready to fight Anthony’s ass to the death to get away if he tried anything as I stood there and glared at him. He stood and stared at me too as looked him over from head to toe. I felt confused when I saw that he was fully dressed in all black with a black fitted cap on turned backwards. I felt shocked just like he was to see him dressed like that as I stood there and waited on him to talk and my heart raced.

  “Kaniyah baby, what you doing? Where you going baby? What’s wrong?” Anthony said with a truly confused expression on his face as he walked closer to me and I backed up.

  After I did that he knew what was wrong even if the fear that I knew was apparent in my eyes hadn’t told him. Anthony knew that his actions had me shook and I didn’t trust him anymore. He could tell that and he wasn’t about to let that happen so he turned on his charm.

  “What baby? Is it what happened last night that has you looking at me like that?” Anthony asked as he walked even closer and backed me up to the bed.

  I stood there and shook as my heart beat out of my chest and I thought about ways to escape. One voice in my head told me to football jug his ass and run out but I didn’t think that would work. I could see him flipping my little ass or moving out of the way when I tried. That’s why I dismissed that thought and the one that said to start screaming as I folded my arms in front of me and nodded my head yes.

  “Yes Anthony, yes. That was too much. I mean look at me.” I said to him as I pulled down the collar of my shirt and showed him my bruised neck.

  Anthony’s eyes instantly filled with tears when I did that as he reached over to touch it while he explained.

  “Oh my God Kaniyah, I’m so sorry baby. Baby please I never meant to do that. I would never hurt you Kaniyah, I love you. I just wanted to bring you more pleasure than you ever imagined. I did what I did out of love with no intentions of leaving marks or anything on you. I only wanted to leave my mark on your heart in hopes that one day you would love me as much as I love you. Please baby. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Don’t leave me Kaniyah.” Anthony said as he cried and snotted like a little project boy about to get an ass whooping.

  Despite the strong, confident, gangsta Na Na voice in my mind that told me it was game, I fell for Anthony’s shit and told him that I forgave him. I whispered the words as he continued to cry at my feet while he held my hand in his.

  “Baby please I’m sorry Kaniyah, I only want to take care of you never hurt you. I fucked up baby, I fucked up. I’m soorrryyy!” Anthony said as he continued to cry and my newly soft ass gave in.

  I sat down in the bed and put his head in my lap as I cried and told him I forgave him.

  “I forgive you Anthony and I love you too. You hurt me though baby, and you have to promise to never do anything like that again.” I said as his head quickly popped up and he looked at me.

  “Really baby? You forgive me?” He asked as tears continued to fall from his eyes and I wiped them away as I nodded yes. “I promise it will never happen again. I love you Kaniyah.” Anthony said as he got up to kiss my lips.

  Anthony’s lips felt different that time we touched, it was like he disgusted and evoked fear in me. I wanted to forgive him and give him a second chance to love me the right way again, but in my heart I knew something wasn’t right. Something told me that if I didn’t get out then I probably would never get out. It told me, but I didn’t listen as I let Anthony sit beside me on the bed and wrap me in his arms. Anthony held me for about two hours as he explained his hidden sex addiction and apologized for not telling me and going too far.

  “I’m sorry Kaniyah, but I was scared you’d walk away if I told you. I am able to control it, but it was just something about your loving that pushed me too far. I promise to never cross that boundary again and if I do you won’t have to leave because I will go. I love you too much to hurt you my baby. I just wanna love you Kaniyah.” Anthony said as he took off his hat off and laid gentle, loving kisses all over my face and hands.

  By the time six am rolled in Anthony had me back under his spell, willing to work through any obstacles we would face. He had tapped into that tender part of my heart that was still a lonely little girl and taken full advantage. I sat there and wondered if I was stupid or not as Anthony went to run me a bath then I let him undress me. I held on to his neck and rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me into his master bathroom and gently placed me in the tub.

  Once I was in the tub, I let Anthony wash me gently as he continued to profess his love and say that he was sorry then he dried me off and applied some cream to my bruises to help them disappear faster. After that I returned to the bedroom as Anthony stripped and remade the bed then we sat down to open up the presents. I had almost forgotten it was Christmas with all that was going on, but Anthony wouldn’t let me as he announced present time and guided me over to the freshly made bed. I felt odd like I was outside of my body watching as everything unfolded while I opened all of the nice clothes, jewelry and new phone Anthony had gotten me and tried to totally forget what he had done. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body as I sat there and my mind screamed for me to get out.

  I didn’t listen to my mind though, I listened to my flesh and tried to shake off my thoughts. Anthony helped me out with that when he sudde
nly got up and got the gift I had given him off the dresser. He opened the package which held a nice watch, tie, and weed in a vacuum sealed container. I closed my eyes and prayed that nothing else bad would happen when I saw him open the weed and begin to roll up. I prayed that I wouldn’t have to kill my first love as well as I sat there with my eyes closed and hoped for the best.

  When I opened my eyes Anthony was just finishing twisting the blunt while he smiled at me. I smiled back and watched as he fired it up, hit it twice then walked over to pass it to me. As soon as it was in my hand I hit that bitch hard as I tried to erase the images in my mind. It worked too because soon I was high and giggly as fuck so much so I skipped as Anthony and I went into the kitchen and he cooked breakfast. I sat at the island in Anthony’s robe and watched him cook as he took breaks to smile at me.

  Once the pancakes, eggs, and omelets Anthony fixed were done, we ate as he made plans for our week. I smiled and pretended to listen as he talked about how much fun we would have but I couldn’t help but to think that I was making a mistake. I felt like me staying with Anthony was setting myself up for disaster and that it showed Anthony he could control me. That’s exactly what it seemed like he was trying to do too as he decided we would spend every day together up until New Year’s Eve and then ring the new year in on Beale.

  He told me that he would buy me something to wear and even get my hair and nails done if I wanted. That satisfied that money hungry, lonely little girl voice in my mind that said we should take love anyway that we could get it. That’s why despite my fear I respected what the voice said, especially when I remembered the fact that my own mother didn’t love me. I figured I had nothing to lose so I just nodded my head and agreed with Anthony when he said that.

  As I sat there, I convinced myself that I did see love in his eyes when I looked at him and his apology was sincere. At that point, I was desperate to be loved and wanted someone to take care of me for a change, more than I realized. That’s why I was able to forget my fears and focus on keeping the man in my life happy. Despite that nagging in my stomach and the voice telling me to run I pretended to agree with everything he said. However, in my mind I still planned to be with my brothers like I was every New Years Eve. I didn’t tell him that though I just smiled and nodded like a good woman and pushed my thoughts out of my mind.

  Despite all that had happened, my Christmas with Anthony was great. I slept most of the day, nursing my wounds as Anthony fixed this extravagant ass dinner. I woke up to the smells of ham, turkey and dressing, yams, lasagna, meatballs, and various cakes. It almost felt like home too as I got up and walked into the kitchen where Anthony was listening to old school Christmas music and dancing as he fixed our plates. For a second I just stood there in the door of the kitchen and stared at him in his state of bliss. When I looked at him then I saw that loving, sincere, smooth man I fell in love with and most of my fears melted away. I danced over to Anthony and he turned around with the biggest smile.

  “There goes my queen. Hey Sunshine! You ready to eat baby?” Anthony asked as he gave me the biggest, wettest kiss ever and I smiled from my heart once again.

  I let him lead me into the formal dining room where we sat down and ate in our robes and pajamas while we chatted like school kids. That was what really drew me to Anthony and made me not want to leave because when I was with him and we were happy, nothing else matter. The fact that he was bad as fuck in the kitchen helped too because a sistah liked to eat. Everything he cooked was delicious and that made me want us to work even more.

  I just wanted a real family. A real life and Anthony was the only person who had ever offered that so I figured I couldn’t be choosey. When dinner was over we snuggled up on the couch and watched Christmas movies until I fell asleep in his arms with his lips on my forehead. I slept that night and to my surprise no nightmares took over my drams. I took that as a sign that me and Anthony were meant to be so I woke up the next morning with newfound hope that we would make it. Anthony woke up in an even happier mood than his usual too and quickly ordered me up off the couch.

  “Kaniyah baby, get that ass up. We got shit to do. I gotta go to the site and check a few things then I want to take you shopping and out to a show. You are my Queen and I love you dearly so I figure I need to show you what our life together will be like now. Sooo get yo sexy ass up girl.” Anthony said in a demanding tone before he laughed and bent down to give me a kiss.

  I just smiled and hid that fear that had creeped back into my heart before I stood up and kissed him back.

  “Oh and don’t put on no revealing shit, we gotta take all that out of your wardrobe. You might as well consider yourself a married woman now, so I need you to dress accordingly. That’s why I’m taking you shopping. So hurry up so we can go baby.” Anthony said as I caught a hint of possessiveness in his tone and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

  I continued to think about our situation as I did what he said and went to get dressed. Twenty minutes later we were ready to leave out of the door but I couldn’t find my phone.

  “Baby! Anthony!” I yelled as I searched my purse then all around Anthony’s bedroom for my phone.

  My trusty Android that I loved was nowhere to be found, but I spotted the IPhone Anthony had bought me on the dresser.

  “Baby where my phone?” I yelled again as Anthony suddenly appeared and told me that he had thrown it away.

  I looked at that nigga like he had really lost his shit then as he smiled at my frustration.

  “Hey, hey, don’t get mad at me baby. I just bought you a $900 phone. I put yo old SIM card from that cheap ass Android in there so all your information still there. Don’t be mad baby, I thought I was doing something cute and considerate for the one I love. I didn’t mean to overstep my boundary and I’ll go get your old phone out of the trash if you want me too.” Anthony said with a sad face as he played my stupid ass again.

  The gangsta Na Na in me wanted to say damn right he would go get my shit, but the new Na Na who just wanted to be happy thought it was sweet. I smiled and told Anthony he was fine and that I loved my new phone before he smiled back and kissed me.

  “Okay, good. Now that dilemma is solved, let’s get out of here.” Anthony said as he grabbed my hand and we left.

  We had a great day shopping, eating, and laughing after we spent two hours at the job site making money. Everywhere we went Anthony introduced me as his wife and that shit made me feel good. It made me feel like I mattered to someone and by the time we made it to the show I was sprung again. I had a great night with my man followed by five more days of pure bliss. In those five days after Christmas Anthony brought me flowers and gifts home from work each day and cooked me gourmet meals at night before we made love. The only problem was I was lonely, sitting there all day with no one to talk to.

  Rah and my brothers were busy almost every time I called and I really didn’t fuck with anyone else. It was like Anthony had my ass in a fish tank, locked up, but on display for everybody to see just like he wanted me. That’s why when New Year’s Eve rolled around I was anxious to get the fuck out of there and go home. The only thing was I was scared to tell Anthony so I waited until he was on the phone with a friend to spring it on him.

  I walked into the living room at about 5:30 that evening as he laughed with his boy and watched a game. I creeped in and stood beside him as I told him I was going to Rah’s house for a while to see my brothers. I expected him to blow me off and say go ahead since he was so engrossed in his conversation. I couldn’t have been more wrong though because as soon as the words came out of my lips his head snapped around.

  “WHAT?” He yelled as he glared up at me then told his friend he would call him back.

  I stood there as my knees trembled and Anthony sat his phone down so he could stand up in front of me.

  “Hell no Kaniyah, you think I’m stupid? I know you trying to get home to spend time with your family and that shit just not acceptable. Every time you go there that
bitch does something to break you and you come back here and I have to make you whole again. No, fuck that, if you really want to see your best friend and brothers you can invite them over here. If not, I don’t know what to say. Now get yo sexy ass in there and pick out one of those dresses I bought you so we can go.” Anthony said before he just walked away like what he said was law.

  Gangsta Na bust through my punk ass coating right then and I planned my escape. I wasn’t about to let Anthony keep me from my brothers or my best friend. I told him in the beginning that would be the only reason we failed and I meant that. That’s why I waited until I heard him turn on the shower before I crept into the room and grabbed my shit. I got dressed, grabbed a dress and shoes, then got my phone and keys before I headed to the door.

  I got halfway to the garage off the kitchen when I remembered my baby who was still in the bedroom. Despite my fear of getting caught, I doubled back to the room and hugged and kissed Berry then bolted out the door. I ran faster than a track star on speed as I looked back and hoped Anthony didn’t hear me. When I made it to my car and didn’t see him come out of the garage door, I knew I was free so I sped out of the driveway towards home. I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I crossed over Stateline Road back into Memphis and wondered would I have the heart to go back. I knew that I had too though in order to get my dog, I just hoped Anthony would understand.

  I didn’t even have a chance to think of what I would say to make him understand before my phone started to ring in my purse. I pulled it out as I continued to drive and just like I thought it was Anthony. My hands shook as I looked at the number just as Anthony hung up and called again. He called twenty more times before I got home and each time I let that bitch ring.