“I know. I could tell the way you constantly knew where she was when we were home. The way you didn’t leave her side until you felt she was safe with Christian and Mia after they were captured.” His eye glaze over, remembering that night.
“That was rough. I never wanted you or Izzy to see that side of me, but I snapped that night. I’ve done things in my past I’m not proud of X, but I wouldn’t take my actions that night back for anything. This secret I’ve kept from you has been killing me and when Izzy was in danger, it felt like a big relief for you to know about it.”
“I know Nolan. You don’t have to say anything else,” Xavier says resting a hand on my shoulder. I hear a commotion coming from the side of the house near the driveway and my hand instinctively moves to my side arm. I look at Xavier, straight in the eyes, and motion for him to remain quiet.
We slowly walk around the pool towards the voices. I hear a string of Spanish and then a deep male voice. We reach the side of the house and I see Natalia and Rush standing near Rush’s car. He’s pacing back and forth clearly agitated by the little Latina spewing Spanish at him. I listen to what they’re saying, only getting every couple of words from Natalia.
“Hotflash, rein it in. Nolan can be trusted,” Rush growls.
“How do you know? This is bullshit, hermano. We know nada, nothing, about him.” Natalia hisses.
“I know Ashley trusts him and if Ashley trusts him, then so do I. That’s good enough for me." Rush says, running a hand through his black hair with blonde streaks. “Hotflash, you didn’t see him when he first arrived. He was torn up and was battling his own demons when he showed up on my doorstep. Once we found Ashley, the look that crossed his face, it’s something someone can’t fake. He’s honest and real and you need to remember that. You need to remember Ashley has the final say.”
“Dios Mio! This isn’t right, Rush. We’ve never let in an outsider. Now we have to let in seven? Mierda, Rush, I don’t agree." Hotflash says tears are glistening in her eyes.
Xavier and I are still leaning against the side of the glass windows listening to them. Rush walks up to Natalia and puts an arm around her, trying to soothe her.
“Hotflash, we need the help. It’s worse than what anyone thinks. The other bosses want her out and they’re using the 38th Street Gang to do that and you know what that means. Out means no coming back, just like they did with her family and I’ll be damned if I let that happen. If that means asking for help, then I’ll beg if I have too. Nolan is good people.”
My eyes widen in surprise from Rush’s comment. He knows about the bosses and he didn’t say anything. I need to have a chat with him now. I turn to Xavier and he nods his head. We make our presence known and Rush’s black eyes grow wide. Hotflash’s body stiffens under Rush’s arms and her head swivels in my direction.
“It appears we need to talk,” I suggest cutting my eyes in Rush’s direction.
Rush swallows hard and bows his head. We all walk back to the spot Xavier and I were at overlooking the ocean. I lean up against the railing and cross my arms over my chest giving Rush and Natalia a menacing stare.
“I ask for honesty. I realize you don’t trust me,” I say pinning Hotflash with a glare. “But Ashley does and that should be enough for you. I’m a stranger I get it, but she’s my main concern. Keeping her safe is my only concern. What do you know?”
Rush nods his head in agreement. His black hair blowing in the light breeze. I wait as Rush looks Xavier over before answering. “I heard the bosses are trying to throw Ashley out. They don’t want us to go legit and it’s been causing tension between the families."
I’m surprised he’s being honest. Maybe he really trusts me but if I were him, I wouldn’t trust me just because someone else does. I’ve been burned in the past for that shit and it won’t happen again. “What about Redline? What’s his story?” I demand.
Rush and Hotflash pass a look between each before Rush answers. I don’t think Hotflash knows what’s going on. “He’s dealing with his own personal issues,” Rush answers.
“Do these personal issues have to deal with a beautiful blonde with tanned skin and toned legs?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Rush answers hesitantly. Hotflash’s eyes widen with understanding.
“What?” she asks.
“Look, it’s not my place to say anything, Redline is dealing with it on his own. He’s had a thing for Ashley for years, but she’s always told him it will never happen.” Rush is growing angry. He’s clenching and unclenching his fists at his sides, pacing back and forth.
“He won’t turn on us and do to her what Reiser did, will he?” Hotflash asks the question that’s whirling around in my head.
“No, he loves Ashley too much to do that. He'll figure it all out and realize he doesn’t love her that way,” Rush answers confidently.
I clench my fists at my sides from the mention of Redline loving Ashley. A spasm of jealousy flows into my stomach and I wonder if she feels the same way about him. It’s ridiculous, I know, but now the seed has been planted I can’t help but think it.
I turn my back on them and keep my eyes focused on the beautiful white sandy beach in front of me. Black clouds are rolling across the blue ocean at a rapid pace. A storm is developing and a sense of foreboding crackles in the air. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, something evil is going to happen and I'm powerless to stop it.
Chapter 21
Ashley
After Nolan leaves my room, Izzy is upon me with a menacing look in her green eyes. I back away slightly, trying to distance myself from her. She grabs me by the shoulders and lets out an ear-piercing squeal, then she jumps up and down, excited. I’m so confused right now. She's totally losing her mind. One minute she's pissed and the next she’s excited. Izzy is acting like crazy Mia right now. I wonder if she’s Hangornery.
"Ashley, did you hear me?” Izzy asks, snapping me from my thoughts.
“I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over my ringing ears." I shout.
“I’m sorry, I’m just thrilled the two of you are together. If I thought you would have been interested in a guy like Nolan, I would've introduced you long before this. I honestly believed you and Redline would end up together,” she replies in a quick breath.
“Wait. What? Back it up some and dial down the crazy. What do you mean a guy like Nolan and why on earth would you think Redline and I would end up together?”
She sits on the bed and I follow. Nolan’s woodsy scent invades my nose and memories of his strong hands on my body, his mouth exploring every inch of me showing me how powerful and feminine I am at the same time. I let out a small sigh and shake my head. I need to focus on the now, not what happened earlier today.
“Uh oh,” Izzy mumbles.
I stare at her with a raised brow. “What’s uh oh?”
“That look,” Izzy says pointing to my face. “That look you have right now. You’re in love with him.”
“No, I’m not. That’s just ridiculous. I can’t be in love with someone I hardly know.” I scoff.
“Oh yes you can,” She states, crossing her arms. “The heart doesn’t have a time frame. It wants what it wants. I know better than anyone, you can’t fight love. Once it’s there, it doesn’t go away. Now we need to figure out what you’re going to do about it. Then you will explain what the hell is happening. Ashton wouldn’t tell me anything. I couldn’t even get him to confess why he was coming here but one thing I know for sure is if you’re in trouble and I’m here to help in any way I can.” She uncrosses her arms and holds my hand in hers.
“I need to get this other shit under control first and then I can explore this thing with Nolan better. We've been talking and texting every day. I can't get him out of my head.” I confess.
“Ash, what happened?” Izzy asks, gently touching the bruising on the side of my face.
I let out a little sigh. Yup, she went there. I knew she would ask eventually, but I was hoping for later. Much, much later
. Like when there is a bunch of people around to stop her from going after Shaun herself.
“My ex.”
That’s all I want to tell her. I can’t let her get too involved in this life any more than she already has. It’s like a drug, once you get a taste of the adventure and adrenaline, it’s hard to let go. The fear of being caught doing something illegal, the rush as you push your car harder than it’s made to go, the chance of not coming back. It’s a risk that isn’t for the weak. Izzy has raced with me before, but not this deep. I've kept her in the dark about the guns and drugs we push. There’s something that’s unexplainable when you’re getting this side of it and I wanted to keep her sheltered from it.
“I didn’t know you had an ex Ash, why didn’t you tell me about him before and why would he do this?”
“I didn’t tell you, Izzy, because I thought he was out of my life. Which is apparently not the case. I can’t get into it more without you getting involved further. You have your own issues to deal with. Not mine. I can’t drag you into this and that’s why I kept you out. You mean too much to me to be dragged down if this is going in the direction I think it’s going. You need to go home Izz, you need to go back to your quiet little life and forget about what’s happening here, happening to me.”
I stand up and walk out the bedroom door, leaving Izzy sitting on my bed. It hurt saying those things to her, but I have to send her home. She can’t be here and put in any more danger.
I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen, ignoring the stares of everyone in my living room. Someone made a pot of coffee and I reach into the cupboard to get a cup. I pour myself some coffee and add a little sugar. I take a sip of the steaming bitter sweet taste and look out the glass windows.
Nolan, Xavier, Hotflash, and Rush are standing outside on the back deck. They look like they’re in a heated discussion. A pair of eyes are burning into my back while I’m watching them and turn towards the living room. Redline is sitting in the chair watching me. I give him a small smile and turn my attention back to Nolan outside. His arms are crossed over his chest and he’s pissed about something. Rush is pacing back and forth, throwing his hands up in the air occasionally. Hotflash and Xavier are just watching their exchange not saying a word.
I pay attention to all their body languages. By the glare in Nolan’s eyes and the tension rolling off his broad shoulders, I have a suspicion they’re talking about me and what’s going on. Hotflash’s eyes grow wide and I watch her lips move. Nolan looks in the direction of the house, then he turns his back on all of them, looking out into the ocean. A sense of foreboding crawls across my skin, the calm before the storm.
A hand rests on my shoulder, making me jump. I spin around and come face to face with Redline. He has a look in his hazel eyes I can’t quite decipher.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I peer over my shoulder at everyone in the living room and nod my head. I lead him out the front door to give us more privacy from listening ears and wandering eyes. I take a seat on the concrete steps and Redline follows. He swallows hard and draws a deep breath.
“Krimson, I need to get something off my chest.” His deep voice has a hint of sadness.
I angle my head towards him and watch as his hazel eyes glance at my bruised face and he turns his head away. He can’t even look at me. His dark blonde hair is blowing in the salty breeze as he plays with his lip ring. He’s an attractive man that’s for sure, but he isn’t my type. What Izzy said earlier about us being together echoes in my head. There are no feelings except love for a family. I hope someday he can understand that.
“What do you need to say?” I ask him quietly, looking at the ground.
“I’m not sure how to say this, but I’m going to try.” Redline releases a heavy sigh before continuing. “For years I’ve had a crush on you. I’ve tried to fight it, but I can’t, and I wanted you to know. Seeing you with that guy is hard and I need to distance myself from this situation. I need to get my head on straight and figure out what I need to do.”
I rest my hand on Redline’s shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. He looks down at my gesture and closes his eyes.
“I can’t do this.” His voice cracks and he stands up quickly.
My heart is breaking for this man who I call family and I don’t know how to fix it. He’s pacing back and forth; his lean muscles are shaking with agitation.
“Maverick, can I offer you some words of advice Rush gave me years ago?” I ask him quietly. He stops pacing and pauses in front of me. I stand on the step so we’re eye level. I look into his hazel eyes, trying to find the right words that don't hurt him but sets him free.
“Back when I was dating Shaun, I kept asking myself why wasn’t I attracted to Rush, why was there nothing there but the love of a family member. He told me something that stuck with me all these years. Something I hope helps you. Do you want to hear it?” Redline nods his head. He looks so defeated. I hope this helps, it did for me.
“He told me that there's someone out there who you haven’t met yet that will be your other half. The one you can feel safe with and will want to tell them everything. No hesitation, no holding back. Nolan is that guy for me. I’m not that girl for you, Maverick. Ask yourself if you can be totally open and honest with me and tell me your darkest secrets. I know you have them, but you’ve never confided in me. When you meet your other half, you will tell them everything. I’m not that girl who can be who you need. I can be your sister, your family, but I can’t be the one you want to share everything with. I hope you understand this and come back to your family. All of us love you and accept you for who you are. So, do what you need to do and come back to your family. That’s all I ask." A tear slips down my cheek and Redline gently wipes it away with the padding of his thumb. I peek into his hazel eyes and see defeat and realization cross his features.
“I will Krimson. I'll be here for you, but it’s going to take time,” he whispers.
“I understand Maverick, just know we’re all here for you. Take whatever time you need and come back to us as the happy carefree guy I once knew. Find yourself and find who you are. Not what you feel you have to be.”
Redline releases my cheek and leans in to press his soft lips against my forehead, then backs away. He climbs into his dark blue Ford Mustang and backs down the driveway. He looks at me before putting his car in drive and offers me a small smile and a wave. I can see the determination in his eyes and I know deep down he will be back and better than before.
Redline speeds off and I stand on the front porch until he’s out of sight. I turn around to go inside and spot Nolan standing in the doorway.
“How long have you been standing there?” I ask.
“Long enough.” He slowly approaches me with acceptance shining in his eyes. He knows how hard that was for me and approves of the way I handled it. By the time Nolan reaches me, a shiver passes through my body. He pulls me tight against him and kisses me, causing me to close my eyes and just feel. This kiss is different from the others we’ve shared. This one is slow and filled with the passion he has for me. The hunger for more is drifting through my body and a whimper escapes from the back of my throat. His hardness presses against my stomach and he rips his lips from mine, breathing hard. My heart is hammering against my chest when I open my eyes. His arms are around my shoulders keeping me close to him. I wrap my hands around his back and lean my head against his chest trying to steady the thumping of my heart. I hear his own heart beating hard and his breathing just as ragged. In this moment I feel loved and protected. Something I never felt before and I love it. I love being with Nolan.
“Do you know what you do to me?” Nolan’s rich voice vibrates in my ear.
“Yes. You do the same to me. You make me crazy, but also love me at the same time.”
The moment those words leave my lips Nolan’s body stiffen under my touch. Wishing I could take them back but realizing I can’t I peer into his eyes. His face is a mask of confusion and my h
eart sinks.
What if he doesn’t feel the same?
I usually read people very accurately but for some reason, I can’t get a good read on Nolan right now. He’s hiding things from me behind his carefully placed facade. Now I’m not only ashamed he doesn’t feel the same, I’m pissed. I feel like I’ve been played by the one man who has the ability to break me.
Pulling away from his embrace I stiffen my spine and turn away from Nolan without giving him a chance to speak. His actions show me how he truly feels.
“Ashley, wait," Nolan yells. His deep voice full of panic.
I ignore his pleas, tears filling my eyes, and walk to the back deck away from him, away from everything. I gaze out into the ocean wishing I could escape this pain in my chest. I don’t bother to turn around and see where Nolan went.
I take a deep breath, pushing away the hurt and anger. I have to think about what I need to do next instead of worrying about what went wrong between Nolan and me. How I was wrong in the way he felt, but I can’t. I can’t stop replaying all the phone calls or texts we shared over the last few months. The way he’d talk to me, making me feel special. The way he busted through all of my carefully constructed walls and showed me love and affection. Even though others think it’s impossible, I love him with all my heart and he crushed it. He’s the first person I opened up to, let in and showed my vulnerability too. Now I feel like an idiot for thinking he felt the same.
The white waves crash against the beach changing the shape of the sand. Never going to be the same again. I feel like the sand, fighting to stay the same but can’t fight the pain in my chest, the heartbreak of loving someone and not getting it in return.
Izzy and Hotflash approach me from behind. I can sense the pity rolling off them before I even see them. I wipe the tears I didn’t even notice fell before they reach me. I take a deep breath and slip on a facade I hope passes in their curious eyes.
Racing Dirty, L.A. Page 13
