Crash & Burn

by Jaci J

  “I should go,” Lil says a while later. It’s late and storming pretty bad. We’ve been lying on this couch for hours and I’ll be damned if she thinks she’s goin’ somewhere.

  “You’re stayin’ babe.” I tell her.

  Lifting her head up off my chest, she cocks her head slowly. I know I’m about to get a fight. Any other time I would have been down. We could fight, then make up, and fuck. Now, I’m scared as hell that anything I say might have her running away from me.

  Scooting up and off of the couch, she stands up and I know she’s about to head for the front door, and that needy panic starts to wash over me. Turning on her heels, she heads for the hall instead. My heart stutters to a fucking stop. Looking over her shoulder at me she smiles.

  “You comin’ baby?”

  ****

  Standing by the bathroom door I watch her crawl into my bed. Our bed. Throwing the blankets over her head she wiggles down under all the sheets and blankets, getting comfortable. In times like this, I have to believe there’s someone out there on my side. Someone’s looking down at me and throwing good shit my way. I have needed this for so long. I missed her so much that part of me wonders if this is too good to be true. I’m scared to death that any minute she might be gone and I’ll be stuck feeling like I’m dying all over again. I’m pretty fuckin’ sure me feeling this way is unhealthy. It’s probably not a good idea to be so dependent of another person for your own happiness, but here she is making me feel like I’m finally able to live and breathe again. I’m finally able to be happy again.

  Poking her head back up and out of the blankets, she smiles a soft, sad smile at me.

  “This is all I ever wanted.” She says quietly with a touch of apprehension. I couldn’t agree more.

  “You here for good Lil?” I can’t let it rest. I need to know that she’s here permanently. I know I’m jumping the goddamn gun here and she might feel pressured, but there is no other way for me. This is how I do shit. There is no waiting for me. She was mine before and she has to be mine again. I can’t live any other way.

  She nods slowly and thoughtfully.

  “Yes. But we still have shit to talk about and things that need worked out.”

  And I’ve no doubt that we do. That girl is not going to let me back in that easily. Just like everything else, she’s gonna make me work for it. And I will. I’ll work every second of every goddamn day for the rest of my life for it. I’ll work for that girl ‘til I have nothing left, or ‘till I’m dead and buried. I’ll do whatever I have to.

  “You gonna stand there all night and stare at me, or are you gonna get in here and cuddle with me and your baby?” Cuddle with her and my baby. Never thought I’d hear those words. But then again, I never thought I’d have Lil in my life. Never thought I could love someone so much.

  “Education Lil, I don’t cuddle.” I tell her seriously. She snorts a laugh and rolls her eyes at me. She doesn’t believe a word I’m saying, with good reason.

  “Okay you fuckin’ bad ass. Get in here and feel me up then.”

  ****

  The club door kicks open. Lil walks that fine ass in wearing some cut off jean shorts and a tight ass tee. I can see that hot little bump under her shirt; our baby. I love the fuck out of that shit. We came in this morning together. She’s stayed with me since she came over those few nights ago and I couldn’t be any fuckin’ happier about it either. She left a while ago with Peaches to do whatever girls do. I’m still a little fucking twitchy about being apart from her; A lingering fear that she won’t come back, but I do my best to ignore it. At least I try to.

  Walking in, she’s holding a shit ton of bags and boxes. Walking right up to me, she dumps that shit on my lap before I get the chance to stand up. I hate watching her carry that kind of shit. Isn’t that shit bad for her and the baby?

  “What the fuck is all this shit?” I get a sweet smile and trouble in those eyes. Turning on her heels, she marches that ass right back out the door without an answer. Alright …

  Picking up a bag, I open it up to find baby shit of every variety.

  “Well that’s scary as fuck.” Rampage says looking a tad sick. It might be if I didn’t love Lil so much. I just shrug and push some of the shit off me and onto Gin. Lil comes back in and sets a few more things on the couch by Gin and me. Sticking his hand inside the bag, Gin pulls out the words smallest baby outfit.

  “He gonna be that fuckin’ small?” Gin asks looking up at Lil with the weirdest fuckin’ expression on his face.

  She shrugs and says, “Sure as hell don’t feel like it since I feel huge already, but babies are usually born between six and eight pounds. Sometimes more, sometimes less.”

  Damn. I didn’t realize they were that small. So maybe this is scarier than I thought. I like that we’re all calling the baby a ‘he’. I keep telling Lil I don’t think I can handle a girl. I’ll love either one, but the idea of a little tiny Lil scares the fuck out of me on so many levels.

  ****

  Lil’s in my bed again tonight. We haven’t had that “talk” yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming. She’s naked in my bed and that’s all that fucking matters. Looking at her, it all kinda makes sense. It’s all about her. The quicker I would have realized that shit, the better off I would’ve been. Something I’ve been learning since meeting Lil is men don’t run shit. We’re gonna talk when she wants to. Yeah, I’m about to get kicked the fuck out the man club, they’re gonna take my balls for this shit, but it’s the motherfuckin’ truth. They run us. Women give birth to us. Women raise us. It’s a woman you fuck, you marry, you have kids with. She’s not gonna do shit unless she wants to, and any man who forces that shit on her is not a man. Yeah women, they run this motherfucker. I’ve learned real quick it’s not me in charge anymore.

  I run my club. I’ve killed. I’ve done my time. I’ve fucked up plenty of lives, but Lil owns my life, and she’ll do whatever the fuck she wants with it and like a fucking sucker, I’ll let her because I love her. Fuck I’m not sure I’d have it any other way really. She’s on the back of my bike, in my house, in my bed, on my dick, then she can do whatever the fuck she wants because it’s with me. She wants to lead me around by my balls, fine. Lead away baby, and I know that Lil will always love and take care of me. I absolutely see this now and only wish that I did it sooner.

  You want to keep your bitch happy you’ll learn real quick she’s in charge.

  “Tank?” She whispers, her head on my chest. I’ve been waiting for this. It’s three in the morning and I can’t sleep. For the first time in a long fucking time, it has nothing to do with that night or those scars. Tonight I’m up because I still can’t believe she’s here. I still can’t believe that my baby is mine again and shit’s finally coming back around.

  “Baby, yeah?” Setting her chin in my chest, she looks at me. “Did you fuck Trix?” Didn’t expect that to come off of those lips right off of the bat.

  “Lil…” With this shit, I’ll proceed with caution.

  “I don’t care if you did. Well, I care, but I think I can get over it.” Her words are sad. She shouldn’t get over it.

  “Baby. That ain’t shit you just forget about.” I know I fucked up and I’m not cruel enough not to admit it. She deserves the truth.

  “I won’t forget, but I’ll work to get over it. I don’t want the baby to not have you.”

  Fuck. As much as it hurts to say it, I tell her, “Lil, don’t stay with me just for the baby. I’ll be here for that baby one way or another. Don’t get me wrong, I want you. I’ll always want you. You’re it for me, but I don’t want you here of you feel stuck.” Those words were some of the hardest I’ve ever said. Pretty much gave her an out. As much as I hate it, if she wants out, I gotta let her go. I love her enough to let her go if that’s what she needs from me.

  “Did you fuck her?” She asks me again with steel reserve in that sweet voice. Silently I shrug, because I don’t fucking know. I couldn’t remember that night to sav
e my life. I saw that key and that was it. If I could go back and change anything besides that night I almost lost Lil, that’d be it.

  “Don’t fuckin’ know?”

  “If you did, did it mean anything to you?” That’s’ easy.

  “Fuck no. Come on Lil, you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted. Only woman I’d ever be callin’ my Old Lady.”

  “Okay then. I can get over it. I want you, and I want to know you still want me.”

  “Education Lil. I’ll always fuckin’ want you. You’re it for me woman.”

  She nods once and seems satisfied. Kissing my chest she says, “Okay Tank.” But she’s not done, she hits me with another one.

  “Did you kiss her?” She growls this time. With that question there’s pain in her eyes. That question was harder for her to ask, because I can tell she really doesn’t want to know. I don’t kiss those bitches though. I have no clue what and where their mouths have been.

  “Babe you know I don’t kiss gash.” For some sick reason she’s relieved I didn’t kiss her. I could be blacked out drunk and I wouldn’t kiss the whores. This is something that’s fact around the club. Not once over the years, no matter how fucked up and blacked out I’ve been, that was always a concern for the whores, why I never once kissed any of them.

  “Then I can get over you possibly fuckin’ her. Kissing is so much more personal.” If she says so. Kissing my chest again she adds, “I just want you back in my life. I want to be where you are.”

  18

  Time

  Lil

  Four months later …

  It’s almost been a year since that night. These past nine months have been some of the hardest I’ve ever endured. I felt like I was fighting an unwinnable battle most of that time. It’s been a constant uphill battle, but finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; the silver lining. Things are still gonna be rough and hard as hell, but Tank and I will have to fight for us. We are never gonna be perfect, or without our problems, but then again, when is life ever easy? We both have to want it enough to fight for it, and with all my heart, I know we will.

  The Tank I knew before that night would have fought for me or he would’ve died trying. Slowly but surely, that Tank’s has begun to come back to me, along with that fight. He’s still gruff, rough, bossy, and he’s still most definitely a rude fucking asshole. But he loves me to death. He’s letting me in and he’s keeping me close. I have to believe that he’ll keep getting better, and I finally have enough trust that things will keep getting better for us. If not, then I need to move on. We all make mistakes and fuck up. That’s exactly what Tank did, and because I love him, I have to be willing to put that behind us and move forward for my baby, him, and myself. I want my family back and I’ll fight for all three of us if I have to.

  ****

  My legs are slung low around his waist, knees bent up and my thighs are spread wide. His rock solid hips move with every lazy stroke of his cock as he grinds into me. His fingers are entwined with mine on each side of my head as he moves in and out of me slowly. This is something he never does, slow and easy, but right now I can’t get enough of this feeling. This is the most intimate we’ve ever been and I can’t help but love this slow burn building up in me with his slow and delicious movements. This is a whole new sensation for me.

  He watches me with every move he makes as I bite my lip to the point of pain. He’s wearing that grin I love to hate, and I know he’s enjoying this. The only thing’s that are touching are our hands and legs, which is making the urge to grab his hair harder to resist. That slow burn is building even more and I need what I know he can give me.

  “I need more, Tank. I need what you love to give me.”

  His control must be shit now. He raises himself up and slowly pulls out of me, only to slam back into me with such force that I slide further up the bed. He holds himself balls deep in me and just stares at me like I’m the only woman in this world for him. I give him a smile.

  He pulls out slowly, just to slam back in, but now he’s with me. He begins to quicken his pace as he watches his cock slam into me, over and over. He lifts my legs only to spread them wider and forces himself deeper.

  “Fuck, I want more Tank.”

  “Whatever you want baby.”

  He started this so slow and lazy, but now his arms and neck are straining and his breath is getting rougher. He gives it to me and he does it with the force I need and want. I love watching his body move when he fucks me, especially when I know he’s so close to coming. He keeps up the pace and and we’re both sweating and slamming together so hard that I can’t hold my orgasm. I scream with the force of it, especially while he continues his amazing assault. I feel myself tightening around him as he finally finds his own release and keeps up his pace till he’s completely spent.

  As my euphoria begins to wear off, he begins that slow and lazy move again, and just by looking at him, I know he’s not even close to being finished. I’ll do this slow and lazy, fast and hard dance with him all night long.

  “Fuck, I love you baby.” He says with the biggest smile on his face.

  “I love you too, but whatever you do, just don’t stop.

  ****

  “Fuckin’ gross sis,” Stitch mumbles and looks like he might gag.

  “Shut the fuck up man. She’s feedin’ my baby.” Tank says and smacks the back of Stitches head when he walks into the room.

  “Damn motherfucker, she stuffed down that entire big ass jar of pickles. Pretty sure that shit ain’t healthy.”

  “Shut it!” I tell him around a mouth full of deliciousness. The baby and me want pickles for lunch, so we’re eating pickles for lunch. I’m sitting on the couch with my jar of pickle propped on my rounded belly and a chocolate shake in my hand. I’ve fallen victim to the disturbing pregnancy cravings. I held out for a while, but there was absolutely no fighting them. They took over. I haven’t wanted anything like chalk or dirt, but I’m really into the salty and sweet things. I eat pretty much anything and Tank gets us whatever we want.

  Setting my jar down, I waddle my chunky ass to the baby’s room.

  “C’mere babe.” Tank follows behind me, stomping and dragging his damn feet like a big ass baby.

  “Every time I come in here we end up at some fuckin’ store, neck deep in baby shit babe.”

  “Tank.” Is all I have to say. He groans and follows me anyway.

  I moved back in here three months ago. Not so much as moved, but had my shit put back in the house for me. I got two weeks of settling back into the idea of us before Tank was done and moving my shit for me. Bossy asshole wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m happy to be back in a place that feels like home though. This is where I want to be. This is where I want our baby to be. This is where I want my family to be.

  Almost everything is ready for the baby. The room is ready, the crib’s set up and bedding in. The closet is full of tiny baby clothes, drawers are filled with diapers, creams, and wipes. Car seat is in my Jeep. Tank had a fucking fit when he found out they don’t make car seats for bikes. Standing at the store, I was almost positive he was going to kill the pimply punk helping us. We got him one for the truck, but he’s not happy about having to drive his truck if he’s got baby. Either way, we’re ready. Just waiting for baby.

  ****

  I’m so fucking sick of this shit. Jesus Christ.

  “Tank!” I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. My back hurts. My legs are now chubby and wobbly and my ankles are swollen. The only thing that’s stayed the same are my arms and face. I lean forward again, but I don’t get anywhere.

  “Fuck it.” I give up. I can’t paint my toenails and I hate it. It’s probably a good thing I can’t see my sausage toes now anyway. They’d probably make me cry.

  “What?” Sticking his head around the door, he looks at me and smiles. Fuck him.

  Throwing the bottle of pink nail polish at him he catches it and laughs at me.

  “Iss
ues babe?” He damn well knows what my issue is.

  Reaching a hand out I just tell him, “Help my ass up.”

  “You want me to paint ‘em, yeah?” He’s going to paint my toenails?

  “You’re fuckin’ with me, right?” Shaking his head he takes a few steps toward me and crouches down in front of me.

  Smacking my thigh hard he grunts, “Foot.” Putting my foot on his knee he smirks.

  “What the fuck you grinnin’ about.” Shaking his head, he wipes that look off of his face. He can’t fucking smirk at me like that and not explain. “What Tank?”

  “Fat ass toes baby.” Jerking my foot away I give him a nasty glare.

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “Know this baby. Now give me those fat feet.”

  19

  Neanderthal

  Tank

  So I’ve gone through it all. The denial, the guilt, the fear, the shock, and all that other shit. Lil’s a fucking badass, that’s for fucking sure. Walking around with that baby kicking the living shit out her and still smiling, and still letting me fuck her. Shit is changing for her. Her body, her fucking mood, and her life. She’s handling it like a pro. Me? Well shit’s cool now. After I went through that shit show, things are relaxed now. I’ve got my woman back, my baby on the way, and my fucking club and brothers.

  I’m here now …

  The fifth emotion is Relaxation. That’s where I was a few weeks ago. Shit, I’m still kinda here now. This is when you’re no longer stressed, because that baby isn’t a tangible thing yet. To you it’s just a thing we talk about, a thing your girl talks about all the damn time with every female within ear shot. It’s just some clothes with tags on em’, hanging on tiny ass hangers. Diapers and creams. Something we spend an ass ton of money on in every store you set foot in. It’s just some bottles in the cupboard that I knock over every time I reach for a fucking cup. Maybe a crib in the spare room. This baby is just an idea right now. Right now the baby isn’t real, because you can’t see it or literally touch it. At this point in time, things are pretty good. You’re coasting and things are smooth. Your girls tits are getting bigger, and that body’s looking hot as fuck, and now she’s into fucking all the damn time like a dude. Shit is good.