Crash & Burn

by Jaci J

  I took him to see my dad and he fell in love instantly. Hell, he was even able to pull some strings and get a visit where he could hold him. God it was hard to see him hold Ty and not be able to come home with us so he could see him daily, but he got to touch him and Ty held his finger. It was perfect. I just hope and pray he can beat this shit and come home to his family soon. Ty needs him. I need him. His family needs him.

  ****

  “You guys are takin’ up the entire bed.” Tank is lying in bed with Ty on his chest. This is how it’s been since we’ve brought him home. A king size bed and I get a foot of it. Tanks watching TV and playing with his Ty’s tiny fingers. Looking at him holding our son makes me fall in love all over again. He’s so gentle with him. I didn’t know what to expect, but he’s an amazing Dad.

  “Too bad babe.” Looking down at Ty he says, “Mommy’s ridin’ couch tonight.” For fucks sake. For such a big ass, mean man, he sure is cuddly with that baby.

  “You’re lucky you’re holdin’ the baby.” I warn him. Tank just laughs that deep gruff laugh. He scoots over and nods me over.

  “You’re lucky I love you so fuckin’ much.”

  Looking down at Ty he says, “We love mommy so I guess we can let her sleep with us.” Crawling in bed with Tank and Ty, I lean my head onto Tanks shoulder. This is where I want to be. This where I’ve always wanted to be.

  Kissing his shoulder I tell him, “I love you.”

  “Baby, yeah. I know you do.”

  Prologue

  Five years later. …

  Tank

  “Babe!” I stick my head out the door and yell. Yeah I’m feeling that crazy panic shit work its way up. Where the fuck did she go now? Told her we had ten minutes, then I was leaving her the fuck here. If she doesn’t get her ass in here real quick, I might lose it. I’m trying not to flip my shit here. Count to ten asshole. Yeah, fuck that counting.

  “Lilly!” I stick my head out the door and yell again. Gin’s just standing in the hall, leaning against the wall laughing at me. Fucking asshole, this shit isn’t funny. Rampage took one look inside the bathroom and turned on his heel, and high tailed his ass right out of here. I don’t blame him.

  “God dammit. LIL! Get the fuck in here”

  “What the hell?” She sputters as she comes to a stop in front of the bathroom door. Her eyes are huge and her face stricken with panic. For a second I’m distracted. Goddamn she looks fucking hot. A long white dress with no straps and her tits are about to fall out of it. I could rip that fucker right off her and fuck her right here. I like that idea a whole fuck of a lot.

  Her hair is a mess of curls on her head, and I wanna wrap my hands up in it and pull on it. Bare feet, pink toes and all. My dick twitches in my jeans and my balls start to ache.

  “Tank!” She snaps at me. Right, I was about to go crazy. Fuck Lil’s body does that shit to me. I start forgetting shit.

  “What the fuck she doin’?” I ask Lil, because I have no fucking clue. And this shit is scary as fuck to me so I’m not even sure how to approach it.

  Lil’s mouth gapes at me and her eye brow raises in suspicion. Oh fuck me, there’s the devil in those eyes.

  “Seriously? You were screamin’ for me over this?” She mutters as she waves a hand towards the cute little shit sitting on my bathroom counter looking proud as fuck with her little paint job. Of course Lil doesn’t care. Hell, she looks proud too. She probably started this shit. Just fucking shoot me now. Put one right between my goddamn eyes. If this is how it’s going to be, just put me out of my motherfucking misery.

  “I sure the fuck am serious. Why the fuck she paitin’ that shit on her goddamn face baby?” Throwing her hands in the air, Lil shakes her head and ignores me. With an annoyed grumble, she yells over her shoulder.

  “Because she’s a little fuckin’ girl, Tank.”

  Holy fucking shit. Not a good enough reason. Not even close to a good enough reason. This is not happening. Gin and I both stand here for a minute, still trying to come up with something.

  Finally, Gin just shakes his head and shrugs. “Man, that little girl is gonna kill me too.” Gin grumbles as he walks off. Fuck yeah, I’m right there with ya brother.

  My baby is supposed to stay a baby. Where’s my tiny little thing? Where is my baby with those dark curls, rosy cheeks, and doe eyes? Looking at her now, I can’t handle this shit. Her little chubby hands are clutching a doll as she stares in the mirror and smiles at herself.

  My daughter is not starting this shit already. She’s gonna stay my baby. Jesus fucking Christ, she’s two. Two years old, she is still my baby.

  “Dada, me pitty wike mama.” Those big ol’ brown eyes and pig tails say from the bathroom counter, holding a stick of something red in her free hand. Lil’s makeup is spilled out everywhere and smeared on every square inch of my bathroom. My baby has lipstick all over the place and black shit all around her eyes.

  “You’re two.” I tell her simply, because what the fuck am I going to say to her? I’m sure the fuck not going to yell at my sweet baby. She gives me attitude with the mention of her being two. There’s her mama right there. Those chubby hands are on her sides and the devil in her big brown eyes.

  “No Dada. Me big wike mama now.” Lord help me. I can’t handle this shit. Kill me, just fucking kill me. I was made for boys, not little girls.

  “Lil. Get your ass in there n’ take that shit off my baby before I lose my shit.”

  ****

  Standing outside with my brothers, we watch my second miracle run around the club backyard with Gin’s little shit headed boy. They’re throwing rocks at each other, being boys. No matter how many times you tell ‘em to knock their shit off, they still do it. Fuck it, they put an eye out, it’s on them. Owen, Gin’s son is three. Ty, my boy, is turning five. Ty is one of the best things besides Lil and my baby girl that has ever happened to me. I can’t imagine life without them. Looking at him, it hits me how much time flies. I try not to miss shit, but still, I feel like times passing to goddamn fast. He’s getting so fuckin big and smart now.

  “Dad! You see me hit Owen with that rock?” Boys, now this is shit I can handle.

  The third best thing that ever happened to me comes running outside, pig tails bouncing and chubby legs going sans makeup a few minutes later.

  “Dada!”

  I don’t know what’s scarier, the fact the she looks exactly like Lil or the fact that she acts just like her. Not sure I’ll make to her eighteenth birthday with her looking like Lil. She’s already got me and the guys antsy and twitchy about how to handle what she’s gonna bring in the future.

  She reaches for me, but punks me at the last second and dodges around me, going right for Stitch instead when he mentions candy.

  “Let’s eat lots of candy, baby.” Stitch says to her, but looks right at me.

  “Fuck you.” He just laughs.

  My baby just waves at me and smiles at Stitch. He thinks he won her love, but too fucking bad. She’ll love anyone of these motherfuckers as long as they give her candy.

  I thought Lil had my heart, but looking at my baby, I not so sure anymore. It’s a fucking tossup. My baby came at three in the damn morning on a day where we'd seen the worst snow storm in decades. Drama just like her mama. Of course Lil couldn't wait to give birth until during the day. No, it had to be the middle of the fucking night, four degrees below zero, and a fucking foot of snow. It was a day that Gin, Stitch, Rampage, me and Ty had spent five hours neck deep in Christmas shit and snow, putting up decorations like my bossy ass women told me to do. That miracle came wrapped up in a pink blanket wailing and making a fuss, weighing in at six pounds, four ounces and nineteen and a half inches long a few hours later. A dark mess of curls, soft skin, and big deep brown eyes. Rowan looked exactly like her mama; Perfect. Never saw something so perfect. My son is pretty fucking perfect too. I’m pretty goddamn lucky.

  My boy looks just like me. He came weighing in at nine pounds, one ounce. He's
big as fuck now too. The only thing that boy got from his mamma are her eyes. That little girl is all her mama's though. Fucking perfection. No fucking idea how I helped create two things so completely amazing, but somehow I did. Although I'm still saying it was all Lil. That woman is capable of preforming fucking miracles, that’s for goddamn sure.

  “Her face better now, asshole?” Lil asks me as she leans into my side. Much fucking better.

  “Shit yeah. She’s too young for that shit babe.”

  Rolling her eyes she says, “You’re gonna be so much fun when she’s a teenager.” I know I will, but Lil will put up with my ass. She always does. The only woman on this goddamn earth that would love me after all the shit I threw at her over the years. Stuck by my side through it all. No matter how bad shit got, she was right there. There was a time I never thought I’d get here and if I did, I wasn’t sure Lil would be here with me. I thank fuck every day I’m here with her. I’m one lucky motherfucker.

  It’s crazy how much I love that woman. Not a goddamn thing I did to deserve her or my kids, but I’m fucking thankful for them every day. This is a life I never imagined for myself. A life I never thought I wanted until I had it. Lil and my kids are something I’d die for. They’re something I wouldn’t give up for anything.

  ****

  The fire’s blazing, food’s on the grill, and drinks are in the ice chest as Lil leans into me, her back leaning against my front. Kids are runnin’ around being shits like usual. My brothers and their families are here. Life has changed in the past few years, but shit is still good. Shit is exactly how I want it.

  Tags and Low are by the grill flipping all kinds of meat, when Low holds up the spatula and waves me over with it. Low, now there’s a motherfucker I wasn’t sure I’d ever see on the outside again. He was acquitted six months ago. He served five and a half years for a shit ton of other charges, but they dropped the murder charge due to lack of evidence. Lil’s so goddamn happy to have him back. He officially stepped down as President, and I was voted in. Told me he just wanted to be a grandpa and a member. I’m okay with that shit, but don’t get it twisted, that asshole still barks orders at everyone, but it’s still good to have him back.

  Tag’s is still looking for Miss right. He met a bitch, but something happened and he won’t talk about it. Peaches was finally able to lock that asshole Gin down. Got married and they had Owen.

  Leo is still at the bar talking nonsense, while Mary is right there with him. Tiny is still avoiding the whores and Kiki is still bitching at him for it. Happy’s still not the same, but he’s been getting there. It’s been a long time, but since the kids came into our lives, he’s been slowly coming out of his shell, which is a good thing ‘cause Lil has missed him. She still loves the shit out of his grouchy ass.

  Stitch and Cali, well there’s a story for another time. Arms and Melli are working on building their own army. Four kids now. I swear, these past few years Melli’s been knocked up the entire time. They’re seem so damn happy, so it’s all good. Rampage met his match in Lil’s friend Lailah, but shit was a struggle for them. He fucking loves the fuck outta that girl even if he won’t say it. Don’t know how she puts up with him, but I’m happy for him.

  Sargent, Crush, King, Blade, and Kash are still a bunch of single assholes. Life’s fucking good. Took a long time to get here, but shit is perfect.

  “Foods done.” Peaches yells at Lil, waving us over. Lil slides her hand down my arm and entwines those little fingers around mine. I can feel her all the way to my bones. I’ll always know her touch. Not a goddamn thing has changed. She’s still the reason I get out of bed, and still the reason I live life. Her hand in mine brings shit right back. For a moment I’m pulled right back to six years ago in this same fucking spot.

  Free Bird is playing through the air. The family is hanging around, talking and laughing with one another. Her hands are on her hips, those big doe eyes blinking up at me through thick dark lashes as she stares at me like I’m the best motherfucking thing she’s ever seen. And so much power. A power I now know she holds over me. A power I’d gladly give up to her and my mind goes back to this same moment, six years ago when she came to me.

  “Dance with me,” she says. It's not a question. Girl just demands and I follow. There's nothing I wouldn't do for the look on her face right now. That happy content smile has me.

  “Yeah babe,” I agree without question.

  I’m fucking lucky she’s my family. I’m just so fucking lucky she’s mine. So fucking lucky she loves me. I couldn’t imagine myself without her. I couldn’t see anything without her. She’s it for me.

  “I love you, Tank.”

  “Baby, yeah. I fuckin’ love you too.”

  About the Author.

  I live in a small hick town right on the coast of good ol’ Washington State, about two hours outside of Seattle. Although I live in a small town don’t mistake my location for my love of all things country, because I’m a city girl through and through. My heart lives in the fast paced hustle and bustle of the city. I live with or right next door to my tribe, or as most know them, my family. My lovely, but nutty mother lives right next door with my hair brained grandma. I currently reside in my nut house with my strange, but wonderful fiancé and my wild as hell little monster boy. My biker mouthed, but funny and amazing little sister lives not too far away with my adorable nephew and hick down to his bones brother in law. I have an enormous love for music. I love it all. My sister and I go to as many concerts as humanly possible. But my passion is reading and writing. I have a love of all things book-related. If it has words, I’ll read it. I decided one day to write because my poor brain couldn’t take any more of the massive stories I had stored away. I figured hell I love them, maybe someone else will too. So I started writing and couldn’t stop. I still can’t stop. It’s now become an obsession. A lovely, lovely obsession.

  Thank you!!

  You can find me at:

  http://www.facebook.com/AuthorJaciJ

  http://www.twitter.com/JaciJeanThBest

  jaclinjean@gmail.com