Powerless

by Catherine Johnson

  I’m quiet long enough that Michael’s brow creases with concern.

  “What? Why?” I eventually stutter out. Michael’s expression softens. I know he doesn’t like being the bearer of this news, but honestly, I knew it wouldn’t have come from any one else and there’s no one else I’d rather hear it from.

  “He needs Callum to be brought into the pack. We’re the closest pack to the prison and it’s almost the full moon. Callum hasn’t been able to change in years. If he isn’t crazy now, he will be when he changes. We can’t risk it, Becca. He needs the pack around him. He needs the familiar scents, the stability. We need to keep him sane. We can’t just ship him out somewhere and risk him going nuts.”

  “You can’t risk him doing it again, what he tried to do to me?”

  A shadow crosses Michael’s face before he answers. I don’t know what it means and right this minute I don’t care.

  “Yes.” He breathes.

  Suddenly, something drops into place in my head. I look at Rob.

  “You knew about this.” It’s not a question. “You knew about this and you didn’t tell me?” That’s a question.

  “Yes.” His voice is steady, but his gaze isn’t, not quite.

  “How long have you known for?”

  “I’ve known since yesterday that he was going to be released early, but I thought... I thought it’d be better coming from Michael.”

  “No, not that. How long have you known that Daniel was planning to bring him back into the pack?”

  “As long as you have. I had no idea that was the plan.”

  That’s bollocks. He’s lying to me, he’s trying to look me in the eye and fucking lie to me. I’m overcome by a flash of rage that he thinks I’m stupid enough to fall for it, but before I can call him out on it I glance at Michael. I don’t what makes me look his way, but I can see it flashing across his face that he knows Rob is lying, too, and that he’s wondering why. As quickly as I see it, it’s gone. Michael, unfortunately, does great cop face.

  “Look, Becca.” Michael turns back to me. “I wanted you to know beforehand. I didn’t want you getting up on the moor and him just being there and you having to deal with all this in front of the pack.” I suspect that Michael is talking about more than just Callum Lennox when he says that. “I need to get back, I just wanted you to know, and I wanted you to hear it from me. Donna wants you to call her tomorrow when you’ve had chance to wrap your head around it a bit. We’re both here for you, okay?”

  “Okay.” I reply and nod a little dumbly. Both here for me? It doesn’t feel like it very much at the moment. It doesn’t feel very much like anyone is here for me. I feel very, very alone.

  Rob is seeing Michael out and I take the opportunity to finish my glass and refill it. Rob’s is still untouched. Right at this moment, I’m less bothered that the man who tried to kill me will be free and walking the streets within a week, and more bothered that the boyfriend I thought I could rely on has shown himself to be someone else entirely. The pack, the family I thought I had, expects me to run with a vicious lunatic who is quite possibly fully psychotic. I will be able to feel what he’s thinking, his emotions, and he’ll be able to feel mine. If I’m scared, he will know, if I’m angry, he will know. If he feels anger or lust towards me, I will know. Negative emotions can lead to confrontation, a confrontation I am so not ready for, physically or mentally.

  Rob comes back into the kitchen as I’m taking a large gulp of my wine. I’m distracted and realise a second too late that his intention is to pull me into a hug. He takes the wine glass out of my hand since I haven’t put it down. That in itself is a bad idea.

  “C’mere babe. It’ll be okay, I’ll be there. The pack will be there for you.”

  I lean back. “The pack will be there for me? Rob, don’t you get it? If that sick fuck still wants to kill me and have a little fun doing it, I will know all about it. The pack can’t protect me from that.”

  He tries to pull me back into a hug, but I’m having none of it. I slide out of his embrace and across the room, taking my glass with me.

  “But we won’t let it happen! Think about this, Bex. We’re the only pack even remotely close. There’s no time to get him to another pack, no time to explain to them, to straighten all that out before the full moon. It has to be us.”

  What he’s saying makes sense. The sensible part of my brain knows it does. The other part of my brain, the part that runs on instinct, does not want to be within a hundred yards of Callum Lennox. I’m not scared of him because I don’t know him. The last thing I want to do is meet him. I don’t want to get to know him, I don’t want to pass him in the street, let alone feel his presence in my head the way I do with my other packmates.

  “I won’t do it Rob.” I shake my head as I speak.

  “What do you mean you won’t do it? Babes, what are you going to do? Stay home the night of the full moon?”

  “Yes, if I have to. I’d rather do that than be out there, with him.”

  “Babe, Bex, don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Ridiculous?!” Okay, now I am positively livid. How dare he be so fucking patronising.

  “Ridiculous? It’s ‘ridiculous’ not to want to be around someone who tried to kill you, someone who wanted to rape you. You think I’m over-reacting?” He tries to speak, but I’m not done. “And you knew. You fucking knew that this was the plan, that this would be what happened. You knew and you didn’t tell me. And don’t try and lie to me because it isn’t working.”

  I can see his jaw clench. Ah, the male ego rears its ugly head. I’m a stronger wolf than Rob is. I can outpace him on a run. I can ignore the pull of the moon for longer; I can ignore the pull of the Alpha better. I am more independent from the pack in my mind as a wolf than he is. Most of the time, this is not a problem, probably because most of the time I pretend that it isn’t the case, and I don’t tend to throw it in his face.

  “I told you that I didn’t know and I’m not going to say it again. Believe what you fucking want.” The level of venom in his voice is as unexpected as it is ugly.

  I’ve hit that brick wall again. An hour ago I was settling down for a cosy night in with my boyfriend, full of good food and about to be full of nice wine. We’d probably watch a couple of movies, get a little tipsy and have enthusiastic sex before falling asleep. Now I’m stood in a room with someone who feels like a complete stranger, feeling like I’ve been cut adrift from everything that’s kept me anchored to sane and normal since I found out I was very much paranormal.

  I have no idea how we’re going to resolve this. Something is going on with him, I know it is, but he’s obviously not going to admit to it, and judging by the look in his eye it would be an incredibly stupid idea to push him on it. I am not incredibly stupid. I don’t know where we go from here, but I know the night isn’t going to continue as originally planned.

  I down the rest of my wine. “I’m going to bed. I need to decide what I’m going to do for the full moon.”

  I have a horrible feeling that Rob isn’t going to just let me stay home. I need to think about how much I want to avoid the pack, and if I’m going to, where I’m going to go instead and how and when I’m going to get there. I leave the room half fearful that Rob is going to drag me back, but I don’t hear him move and he doesn’t make any move to follow me. As I reach the top of the stairs I hear him turn the TV up, the 20th Century Fox fanfare, he obviously intends to watch the movie we’d chosen by himself. I can’t bear the thought of lying in the same bed as him tonight, so I grab a few things and settle myself in the spare room on the top bunk bed. Call me paranoid, but tonight I don’t want to feel trapped in any way, shape or form. We’ll have to figure out what just happened in the cold light of day.

  Chapter Five

  I take a deep breath as I leave that shit-hole behind me. Clean air, free air, there’s nothin’ like it. I know he’s here waitin’ for me. Who else would’ve thought tae bring a new change o’ clothes. The ones I g
ot sent down in doona fit any more. I’ve packed on muscle since I wore ‘em last. I’m no’ ever goin’ tae be a big fella, but I’m in serious danger o’ goin’ all Incredible Hulk on the shirt I wore for ma hearing and there isnae any way I’m gettin’ the jacket on at all. If it wasnae for the fact that I’ve known this guy for years, I’d wonder how he knew what size jeans tae get. Probably the influence o’ his missus. She’s a gem that one. He’s a lucky fucker.

  And there he is, a shit-eatin’ grin all over his face. I’ll be damned if I’m goin’ tae shed a tear, but it’s grand tae see him. It’s like I’ve never been away. He pulls me intae a back-slapping hug and I’m pleased that the fucker grunts when he realises how much stronger I am now.

  “Aye but it’s good tae see you, fella.”

  “Fucking good to see you too, lad. C’mon, car’s round the corner. Donna’s got steaks in. We’ll eat and we’ll nip out soon as it’s dark, yeah?” We start walkin’ tae wherever he’s abandoned his car.

  “Sounds like a fucking good plan tae me. How’s yer missus doin’? I cannae wait to meet the wee bairns.” Donna wasnae long pregnant when I got sent down. They’d only just found out they were havin’ twins when I was sentenced.

  “She’s sound. Looking forward to seeing you, mate. You know you’re staying with us, right? Take some time to get your feet under you.”

  Talk o’ the future casts a shadow on this bright day. The sun is shinin’ and I’m free, but I know it’s no’ goin’ tae last.

  “Mikey, brother. We both know I havenae got any time. I’ll no’ sit quietly under Daniel, and he’s no’ goin’ tae step down and make way for the old Alpha like a good little pup.”

  Michael stops and pulls his keys out o’ his pocket. I’m guessin’ the car he’s leanin’ against is his, but he’s no’ lookin’ me in the eye any more.

  “Come on lad, spit it out.” I chide gently.

  “Bryn’s still alive.”

  I’m glad it’s only him and me on the street. Any other fucker comes along now and there’s a good chance I’ll be goin’ inside again for another stretch. I’m glad he didn’t tell me when we were with Donna and the wee ones, and I realise it’s one o’ the reasons that he’s here tae pick me up. A red rage the like o’ which I havenae known for a long time rises up, and I have tae swallow it down, fists clenched, jaw tight, before I change right here in the middle of the street and howl ma anger out. Almost six years o’ ma life on the condition that that fuck met his end, and now I find out he’s been runnin’ around without a care in the world the entire time. I’ve been locked in a cell, and he’s been free tae do God knows what tae God knows who, just like before.

  Michael’s looking at me, just waitin’ calmly for me. He’s a good lad. He knew, knew I’d be ready to burn on this news. Seein’ him, standin’ there, all patient, it brings back somethin’ I didnae know I’d left on the outside. It brings back somethin’ o’ what I was before, somethin’ of the Alpha. I cannae go crazy, just cannae. One o’ ma pack is waitin’ on me.

  It still takes some deep and steady breathin’, though, ‘fore I can get any words out.

  “So ma time really is set. I know what those two were up tae, what that fuck has probably been doin’ whilst I’ve been away. They know their lives depend on me bein’ dead. They know I won’t just up and leave.”

  “Yep. They know. They don’t talk to me, but it’s been obvious to those of us that know what really happened that they’re planning something.”

  “Why did ye no’ tell me when you visited?” I hate the idea that Michael’s kept this from me, that he felt he couldnae tell me, that he had to bear it alone.

  “Yeah, crackin’ idea that would have been: ‘Hey Callum, guess what, you know that vicious prick you’ve always hated, that you’ve given up years of your life for to keep his dirty secret? Well he’s still rockin’ around free whilst you’re stuck in a shitty cell for a bit longer slowly going nuts.’ Yeah, can’t think why I didn’t just slip it into conversation.”

  He’s smilin’ as he speaks and I cannae help but laugh as he walks around the car, unlockin’ it as he goes. We both get in and he pulls away, headin’ out of the city. I’m no’ angry with him, he’s done what he had tae, and I couldnae have expected him tae take on the Alpha. Let’s face it; it’s become pretty fuckin’ obvious that takin’ on Bryn means takin’ on Daniel.

  On the tail of that thought, somethin’ occurs to me. “So how’re you here brother?”

  Michael shoots me a look that says somethin’ along the lines of ‘how dare you ask such a question’.

  “Nae brother, I mean why’s he lettin’ you come for me. Why no’ leave me tae fend for maself. What’s his game?”

  “Well, for one, he knows that it’d take a pretty fucking nasty fight to stop me. Not that he’s above that, but he’s trying to play the PR game. He’s playing nice Alpha. I think he’s hoping you’re completely wacko. If you’re nuts and you turn on me and Donna, or any of the pack, he’s got a cast iron reason to kill you. What he’s set around the pack is that he’s bringing you back in to keep the local population safe. He’s betting you’re going to start something, and then he’ll be put in a position where he has to end it. He thinks he’ll away spotless.”

  Oh he does, does he? We’ll see about that. The biggest spanner in that plan is that I’m no’ completely psychotic. I might no’ have as strong a handle on maself as I did before, at least no’ yet, but I’m still me.

  There’s another player in this game to think about. “How’d the wee lass take this news? She must be terrified at the thought o’ me comin’ into the pack?”

  Michael laughs, throws his head back and laughs. I’m beginnin’ tae get a bit worried about the rest o’ the traffic on the road, but he manages to rein himself in, a little.

  “She wasn’t best pleased when she heard the news, but she wasn’t terrified. Think you might have a bit of a shock when you meet Becca, mate.”

  “Oh aye, and why’s that then?”

  The fucker’s still smiling like a clown. “She can outrun me and Bryn for a start. Fastest in the pack behind Daniel.”

  That’s no mean feat for a female. Werewolves aren’t the misogynist bastards most o’ the common storybook crap has made us out tae be, but like a large amount o’ the animal world, males are stronger than females. They develop more muscles, have more o’ a fightin’ instinct, are more aggressive. It’s just a fact. The females are designed more for breedin’ than for fightin’. For one tae be able tae pace herself like that mean she’s somethin’ special.

  That gives me somethin’ to mull over whilst Michael concentrates on his drivin’. It wouldnae have made a blind bit o’ difference about savin’ her if she’d have become one of the weakest o’ us. To find out that she’s one o’ the strongest, though, that makes it seem somehow a little more worthwhile.

  It’s no’ long before we’re pullin’ into the driveway of his house. It’s a three bed semi in an estate perched on the edge o’ one o’ the villages. There’s a lot o’ good walkin’ tae be done from Michael’s house, down the old railway line that’s been turned intae a bridle path, along the canal tow path, or up the slopes o’ the hill that the estate backs ontae with the moors beyond. It’s a sweet spot this. Sometimes when the pack meets, these two doona even need tae drive, just leg it up the hill at the back o’ their house and there they are.

  I follow Michael intae his home; he’s re-decorated since I was here last. He leads the way tae the living room. Two wee ginger lads are sat side-by-side on the carpet in front of the telly, totally focussed on Spiderman. Lookin’ at them brings it home just how much time I’ve missed out on. These two wee bairns were no’ even much o’ a bump when I went in. I must be starin’ ‘cause next thing I know Donna’s throwin’ her arms around me.

  “Callum, God it’s good to finally see you back, love.”

  She pushes back and holds me at arms’ length, lookin’ me over. “Well at least it looks like you
didn’t starve in there. Not sure about the caveman thing you’ve got going on, though.”

  I can’t help but run my palm over the beard I’ve grown that I didnae have before and the hair that used tae be cut pretty short but lies over my collar now. “Ah, what can I say, lass. They only let us have those electric shavers. I cannae be doin’ with them bast.... I’d sooner shave maself with a spoon.”

  It’s goin’ tae take some effort tae watch ma language around the bairns. Donna smiles at me, and it’s like watchin’ sunshine come out from behind a cloud. She’s no’ much above five foot, but that doesnae mean she’s a push over, no’ at all. Here’s hopin’ the kids get their height from their da’, lanky fucker’s similar height tae me, a bit over six foot. Donna’s got that sort of golden blonde hair, and since Michael is dark, that accounts for their wee orange-haired lads. She calls over tae the boys.