Ghost Blusters: Funny Cozy Mystery (Witch Woods Funeral Home Book 5)

by Morgana Best

  Liliana finally found her voice. “Surely you don’t think my husband murdered her? Is that what you’re saying? That my husband murdered someone?” She snatched up her purse and stood up. “Are you accusing my husband of murder?” Her voice was shrill.

  “So much for breaking it to her gently,” Ernie said with a laugh.

  “Shut up!” Jezza-Belle said to Ernie. “You’re no help. This is serious!”

  Liliana, of course, thought Jezza-Belle was talking to her. She sat down, and clutched her purse to her. I was surprised, although relieved, by Liliana’s reaction, so nodded to Jezza-Belle to continue.

  “We only have your interests at heart,” Jezza-Belle said. “It seems obvious to us that your husband murdered his first wife, Julia. She knew he was having affairs, but she was in love with him so she refused to let him divorce her.” Liliana made to protest, but Jezza-Belle held up a hand to forestall her. “Julia knew about Phil’s embezzlement, so threatened to make that public if he divorced her. Basically, she blackmailed him into staying married to her.”

  Liliana turned white.

  “Phil had Julia cremated, we think to cover up the fact that he murdered her. Even if you don’t want to believe that, it’s a cold hard fact that he asked the recently murdered woman to hack into the hospital records. Why else would he do that?”

  Liliana finally spoke. “What are you trying to say?”

  “There’s no easy way to say this…” I began, but Jezza-Belle interrupted me.

  “We think he’s about to murder you,” Jezza-Belle said, coming straight to the point. “Of course, we could be wrong, but why would he want hospital records changed five years after his wife’s death? The only thing that makes sense is that he’s about to murder you and doesn’t want the police to look too closely into his first wife’s murder. You have to admit the timing is strange. Your father died recently from a long-term illness, so Phil was preparing to murder you.”

  “Geez, how many times can you say the word ‘murder’ all at once?” Ernie said. “I think she’s going to faint or something.”

  I had to agree with him. “I’ll get you a glass of water,” I said, then hurried out of the room. When I returned, I was surprised to see that Liliana was babbling away.

  “Our marriage isn’t happy,” she was saying as I walked in the room. I didn’t know what she had said before I got there, but Jezza-Belle filled me in.

  “Liliana said someone’s been following her, and she felt that she was in danger.”

  I handed Liliana the glass of water, but she only took a sip. To my dismay, she burst into tears. I handed her a box of tissues. She took one and then blew her nose. “Our marriage isn’t happy,” she said again.

  “Tell Laurel what you told me,” Jezza-Belle said.

  Liliana nodded. “We’ve had two burglaries in the last month, and I know someone has been following me. Phil insisted I call the police. Only the other week, I was being followed as usual, so I ducked into a shop to get a close look at who was following me. It was Phil. I ran out and asked why he was following me, and he said he was trying to catch the person who was following me.”

  “And you believed him?” Jezza-Belle asked her.

  “Yes, of course I did,” she said. “Why wouldn’t I? Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I’m starting to think he might have been the one following me all the time.”

  Ernie jumped up and down. “It’s obvious, isn’t it! Phil’s going to murder her, and the police will have it on record that someone’s been following her, so they won’t suspect him.”

  “That’s right,” Jezza-Belle said to Ernie.

  Liliana looked up at Jezza-Belle. “You think Phil was following me?”

  “At the risk of upsetting you,” I said, “I think Phil has bad intentions towards you. There is now a strong police record that you’re being followed, so when something bad happens to you, the police won’t suspect Phil.”

  “And if police look into the death of his first wife, they’ll see the falsified records that she had sleep apnoea, so they won’t be suspicious,” Jezza-Belle said. “It all adds up.”

  Liliana burst into tears.

  Chapter 17

  “Why do you mortals eat so much chocolate when you’re stressed?” Ernie said.

  Jezza-Belle and I ignored him. We were in the funeral home kitchen stuffing our faces full of chocolate. A tearful Liliana had promised to go straight to the police. She had also promised us that she would stay with her sister in another town and not return to her house. I had texted Basil to bring him up to speed. “The police will come here and ask us how we knew about the hacking,” I pointed out to Jezza-Belle.

  She slapped her forehead. “I didn’t even think of that. What will we say?”

  “I’ve thought about that. We’ll tell them that you, that is Mum, saw her in the street a few weeks ago and wanted her to repent and go to your, that is, Mum’s church.”

  “Stop!” Jezza-Belle said. “You’re confusing me.”

  “Put it this way. I’ll tell the detectives that Mum saw you walking along the street a few weeks ago and took you into a café to try to force you to repent and go to her church. You told her about the hacking.”

  Jezza-Belle shook her head. “That’s way too far-fetched. The detectives will never believe that.”

  I laughed ruefully. “Trust me, those detectives have had a big run in with Mum before. They’ll believe anything when it comes to Mum.”

  “That’s for sure,” Ernie said. He stopped talking for a moment. “Did you hear that?”

  “What?” I asked him, but he had vanished.

  I popped another chocolate in my mouth. I had only just swallowed it, when Ernie appeared. “Get out of here! There’s someone out there sneaking in this direction!”

  I grabbed Jezza-Belle’s arm and hurried to the kitchen door, but just as my hand reached for it, Phil burst in. He was clutching a large hunting knife.

  “You figured it out, didn’t you?”

  “Figured out what?” Jezza-Belle squeaked.

  “I happened to run into Dr Sharpe today, and he told me you were there asking questions about Julia’s death.” He advanced on us. Jezza-Belle and I clung to each other and backed away.

  “Yes, we did, and we’ve told the police already,” I said. “You got Jezza-Belle to hack into the hospital computers and change your wife’s details to say she had sleep apnoea, and you made sure she was cremated. You intend to murder your current wife which is why you’ve been following her and making her report it to the police.”

  Phil laughed maniacally, and I realised how unhinged he actually was. “Yes, it’s a good plan actually. I encouraged Liliana to tell the police she was being followed, and I made it look like we had break-ins. And do you think I’m stupid? I know you haven’t told the police, because they haven’t questioned me. In fact, I’ll dispose of you two, and then go straight home to dispose of Liliana, and then a couple of other random people as well, just to cover my tracks.”

  I couldn’t believe he was serious. The room spun, and I clutched onto Jezza-Belle. It certainly wouldn’t do to faint at a moment like this, but I was overcome with dizziness.

  “He’s a homicidal maniac!” Ernie said. “Quick, your only hope is to distract him.”

  “How?” Jezza-Belle said.

  Phil paused for a moment, seemingly taken aback by Jezza-Belle’s question. “What do you mean?”

  “Do you believe in ghosts?” Jezza-Belle asked him.

  Phil snorted rudely. “You’re about to become one.”

  “I already am,” Jezza-Belle said. “I’m Jezza-Belle. I possessed Laurel’s mother so I could solve my murder.”

  Phil was struck speechless.

  “Ask me anything,” Jezza-Belle said. “Ask me anything that only the two of us would know. After all, we did have that one night stand.”

  Despite the situation, I rounded on her. “Jezza-Belle! You didn’t tell me that! Don’t you think that
was important information?”

  She shook her head. “I was embarrassed about sleeping with this loser.”

  Phil laughed. “Entertaining, ladies, but it won’t save you. Nothing personal. If you hadn’t been such busybodies, this wouldn’t have happened to you.”

  “I am Jezza-Belle,” she said.

  Phil lunged at her by way of response, but quick as a flash, Jezza-Belle ripped off her top. “Get a look at this!”

  At that precise moment, the kitchen door opened. It was Ian.

  He let out a bloodcurdling scream.

  Chapter 18

  Phil dropped the knife and ran.

  Ian slid to the floor. He sobbed softly, and whimpered at intervals, “I can never unsee that; I can never unsee that,” again and again. In good news, at least he could pronounce s again.

  “Are you all right?” Jezza-Belle asked me as she put her top back on.

  I nodded. “I’m all right, but the same can’t be said for Ian.” Just then, I heard loud yelling. I ran out with Jezza-Belle directly behind me.

  In the foyer, Detective Prescott and Detective Wilkinson had just handcuffed a struggling Phil. “Are you ladies all right?” Prescott asked us. “Liliana Buckley just came to see us.”

  “He told us he was going to kill us,” I said to the detectives. “He confessed everything. He told us he paid Jezza-Belle to hack into the hospital records to state that his first wife had sleep apnoea, and he told us that he’d killed his first wife. He was going to kill Liliana. He said he’d been following her and faked break-ins so you wouldn’t be suspicious when he murdered her, too. He wanted her money.”

  “That’s right,” Jezza-Belle said. “He came at us with a knife, but Ian arrived and screamed. That startled Phil, so he ran out.”

  “It was that old lady who scared me,” Phil said, nodding at Jezza-Belle and shuddering. “The old lady flashed at me! She has a familiar tattoo. I’ve seen it somewhere before.”

  “How dare you call me old, young man,” Jezza-Belle said. “And what does flash mean? Whatever it means, I didn’t do it.”

  “Good work, Jezza-Belle,” I whispered in her ear. “You sounded just like Mum then.”

  “Whatever’s gotten into you, Laurel?” Mum said. “Actually, I don’t feel very well.”

  I looked up to see Jezza-Belle’s ghost standing next to Mum. “You could have given me some warning,” I said, and she shrugged.

  “You silly girl, how could I give you warning that I didn’t feel well? Sometimes I wonder about you, Laurel. Have I ever told you that you took three days to be born?”

  I sighed long and hard. I liked Mum much better when she was possessed by Jezza-Belle.

  Chapter 19

  Basil, Ernie, and I were in Mum’s kitchen. I had disposed of the remaining wine bottles and any other evidence of Jezza-Belle’s stay.

  Basil had arrived just after the detectives, and Mum had called Pastor Green because she was concerned about Ian. Ian said he had been hallucinating and had seen the most terrible sight. When Pastor Green had pressed him about it, he had burst into tears and said it was too horrible to talk about.

  “I’m very sad,” Ernie said as I busied myself making a cup of tea for everyone. “I think I’m going to be bored again, just when I was getting some colour in my otherwise dull life. Oh well, given the funeral home’s track record, there will probably be another murder soon.”

  Basil put his arm around me protectively. “I certainly hope not. You’ve had a few close shaves, Laurel, but this was a little too close for comfort.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I simply carried out the teapot and the teacups on a tray. I placed them on the coffee table in the living room. Pastor Green was sitting next to Mum, patting her hand. Ian was sitting on an adjoining comfortable armchair, right under a framed embroidered tapestry that featured a ring of pansies and the Bible verse: Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16.

  Pastor Green followed my gaze. “Err, is that a new tapestry, Thelma?”

  She nodded cheerfully. “Yes, I like to have the word of God all around my walls. It’s so uplifting, isn’t it?”

  Pastor Green frowned, and then said, “I’m glad to see you’re back to yourself, Thelma. You haven’t been yourself for the last few days.”

  “Mum, can you remember much about the last few days?” I asked her. It would be quite bothersome if she could remember being possessed by a punk rocker.

  Mum’s eyes shifted from side to side. “No, it’s a bit of a blur, really. Perhaps I had one of my migraines.”

  Pastor Green patted her hand once more. “I think your medication was mixed up.”

  Mum looked aghast. “I’m not on any medication. At least, I don’t think so.” She fanned herself with a religious pamphlet. “Laurel, please entertain Pastor Green and Ian. I can’t explain it, but I feel the need to have a shower.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  I was just pouring Pastor Green another cup of tea, when a bloodcurdling scream all but shook the house.

  Pastor Green dropped his fork into his cake. “What was that?” he said in alarm.

  “It’s nothing to worry about,” I said. “When Mum was under the influence of the wrong medication, she got a tattoo. Now that Mum’s back to normal, I’d say she’s just discovered the tattoo.”

  Ian burst into tears. “I wasn’t hallucinating, after all,” he said between his sobs. “Things will never be the same.” He clamped his hands firmly over his eyes and continued to sob.

  Basil stood up. “Pastor Green, would you mind looking after Thelma and Ian? Laurel has been under a lot of strain lately and I want to whisk her away.”

  Pastor Green looked horrified—I mean, who could blame him?—but agreed. Ian folded up into the foetal position and continued to sob.

  Mum appeared in the living room doorway. She looked quite a fright in her faded tartan bath robe and staid slippers. Her face was red and shining, no doubt having been scrubbed with sensible soap, and her shaved head was gleaming under the fluorescent light. I had forgotten about her hairstyle.

  “Fornication!” she exclaimed. “Basil, you want to whisk Laurel away, as you put it, to your place to fornicate, without the benefit of marriage!”

  Trust Mum to have those priorities. She had just discovered that she had a large tattoo of a flaming skull on a part of her that no doubt only God would ever see again, and had just discovered she was sporting a mohawk hairstyle. Yet for all that, she wanted to complain about my morals.

  “Yes,” Basil said. “That’s exactly what we intend to do. Fornicate. All night.”

  With that, we took our leave. Although I was a little disappointed that Jezza-Belle no longer possessed Mum, I was glad that my world was back to normal. There was a sense of security in that.

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