Beautiful Abomination

by Frances Duncan

  She read it over and over. It didn’t change.

  Mother

  First/given names: Josephine Susan

  Surname/family name: Collins

  Father

  First/given names: blank

  Surname/family name: blank

  That couldn’t be right. Her mother’s name was Susan Eileen Collins not Josephine Susan Collins. Her father’s name was...surely she knew her father's name?

  It felt like losing her mother all over again, as though a thick veil had fallen between her and the rest of the world. Somewhere, deep inside, Josie was screaming in anguish, though she couldn’t hear it, it felt like it must surely be vibrating out to her skin.

  The tin sat like a poisonous snake amongst the shoes, silent and ready to strike more panic into her heart. What else did it hold?

  The next paper she picked up was a letter in her mother’s familiar precise cursive. Why would her mother keep a letter she’d written and not posted?

  Dear Mrs Pritchard,

  There are things I want to say but politeness dictates I shouldn’t. I want to talk about your son. I know the mention of him hurts you. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. But he would have provided for me, for us. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I could have prevented what happened but I couldn’t, these things are out of our hands. I still think if I had only been there things might be different. Your son was a good man and a credit to you, to all of his family. The Lord has given us a gift. There is a part of your son still here. I loved him. I would love to be part of your family. I’m sure you know the situation with my family. Please write to me, visit us. If not for me, then for your son.

  Yours,

  Susan

  Weird. Who was Mrs Pritchard? Who was her son? Why keep the letter so long?

  The front door slammed, making Josie jump. She put the precious rosary beads down to allow her to fold the birth certificate and slide it into her pocket. She didn’t want Gary to see it or find her sitting on the floor of their closet. Josie shoved the letter and the rest of the papers back into the tin and pushed it back under the jerseys as she stood.

  She bent back down to collect the rosary beads. Straightening, she took a deep breath and wiped her wet cheeks.

  Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

  8

  16 February 2011

  Josie emerged from the bedroom looking guilty when Gary arrived home from his second day not working.

  He forced a smile. “What's for dinner?”

  “I hadn’t planned anything. I didn’t know if you were coming home.”

  Gary dismissed the idea of telling her there would be no more late nights working; no need to worry her.

  He looked at her for the first time in what felt like years. She was too skinny. He could see it. She’d lost weight recently. He wondered if she ever ate when he wasn’t around. He needed to convince Patsy to come home so he could look after her and she could look after her mother, he didn’t have the skills for this.

  “I can order us a pizza?” Gary suggested.

  She nodded.

  He called in the order, just one pizza these days, and turned on the TV. The news was screening a piece about a missing tramper who had been found.

  Josie produced a book from somewhere and sat on the opposite end of the couch. She probably read as much as she breathed. Even more now that Patsy was gone. He’d been so wrapped up in worrying about Patsy he’d not thought about the impact it would have on Josie.

  The news changed to talk about the upcoming Royal Wedding, the couple “defied” tradition in their choice of bridal party. Just the sort of thing Josie and Patsy would normally get all excited about but Josie ignored the TV.

  Gary turned to her. “Did you feel the quake today?” he asked.

  Josie looked up from her book and blinked at him like she didn’t understand what he’d said. Her eyes were red. Had she been crying?

  It wasn’t an original question or hard to answer. How long had it been since they’d had a casual conversation? She’d given him the silent treatment after his fight with Patsy, it seemed like she still hadn’t forgiven him for driving their daughter away.

  He sighed and checked his phone, Patsy still hadn’t returned his calls.

  9

  9 June 1992

  There was a rap at her door and Kate poked her head in. “You have class at nine.”

  “I don’t think I can go.” Josie’s voice came muffled through the blanket.

  “You still not feeling well?”

  “Urgh.”

  Kate pushed the door open and approached the bed. “I’m worried about you, I—Josie, what’s a rake?”

  “Um, a gardening implement.” She blinked up at Kate from the bed. “You use it for raking up leaves—it’s in the name. I don’t have brain damage.”

  “No.” Kate held up a purple covered book she’d picked up from Josie’s bedside table. “This kind of rake.”

  “Oh, it’s a guy, like a confirmed bachelor, party boy, terrible flirt, ready to be reformed. During the Regency period.”

  “You’re a lit major and you’re reading this trash.” Kate gestured with the romance novel.

  “Don’t tell my lecturers?”

  Kate flicked through the pages then exclaimed, “Oh my God, this is classic!” She put on an English accent and read dramatically:

  “‘I have all these feelings. I don't know what to do with them.’

  ‘We don't have feelings. Feelings are French. We are English.’

  Who writes this crap?”

  “Um, authors? I’m not going to class. Can I just die in peace?”

  “Not quite yet. I need you to do something for me first.”

  Josie’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

  Kate put the book down. “You need to go the toilet.”

  “OK that I can do. You worried I’ll wet the bed or—”

  Kate’s face was impassive as she answered. “I need you to pee in a cup for me.”

  “Please tell me you need clean pee or you’re going to do some weird sort of ritual like chanting over my pee.” Her voice became begging. “Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.”

  Kate was silent.

  “I’m not pregnant. I’m not,” she repeated seeing the look on Kate’s face. “What made you think that anyway?”

  “Women’s studies.” When Josie looked confused she continued, “There was a lecture on the medicalisation of women’s natural rhythms. Do you know that if a girl’s period doesn’t sync into the “expected” time frame doctors suggest that she go on the pill? Girls as young as 12! How disgusting is that? It’s artificial. It doesn’t amount to any sort of fix, it just inhibits the growth of the natural cycle, which can take years to manifest. Stopping ovulation which means they could be on the pill for a good 10-15 years till they want to have a baby. Then their body won’t pop back into baby making mode and the doctor recommends more interventions, pumping unnecessary hormones into her body rather than allowing her body to follow it’s natural—”

  “OK, OK. I’ll go pee, just please stop talking.”

  Kate followed her down the hall. “My point is you’ve been sick for too long. If it were a virus you’d be better by now.”

  Josie shut the door in Kate’s face.

  “The cup’s next to the sink.” Kate called through the door. “Just pee a little, stop midstream, pee into the cup, then finish.”

  “I know how to pee Kate and I’m not going to do it while you listen at the door!”

  Josie left the pee-filled cup on the bench and went back to bed. Kate appeared at her doorway again far too quickly.

  “Honey.” She sighed, the endearment had started the morning of Josie’s first hangover and stuck, Kate seemed uncomfortable every time she used it. “I hate to tell you...”

  “No, no. I can’t be.” There was a tight feeling in her chest.

  “I know but the test says—”

  "I don't�
��I can't—” Was this what hyperventilating was? “I had sex once. Once.”

  “I hate to tell you but it only takes one time. Hell, only one sperm and there are millions of the little bastards.”

  “Shit.”

  Kate was next to her on the bed, rubbing her back. "Breathe. Breathe."

  Josie calmed down after a few minutes. Once she could talk she said, "I just need— can you get my rosary please?"

  "Sure." Kate retrieved the rosary beads from the top of the dresser. “OK, OK, just keep breathing.” Kate patted Josie’s hands. “I’ll handle this. First thing is to confirm our diagnosis.”

  Josie raised her eyebrows.

  “I’m going to take you to Student Health, OK?” she clarified. “It’ll be OK.”

  Josie’s shoulders shook in a sob.

  “It’s OK.” Kate sat back on the bed and put her arm around Josie’s shoulders. “Most people do this in high school, you’re just...developing a little late. I think half my class were on the pill by the end of sixth form. Anyway, I’m good with pregnancy scares. Just take your rosary beads.” She closed Josie’s hands around them. “I’ll give you some space."

  Josie grasped her rosary beads and started muttering to herself. "I believe in God, the Father Almighty—"

  Kate backed out of the room. “I’ll pick you up after my first lecture, OK? Unless...do you want me to stay?”

  Josie shook her head.

  “Chill out for a little and...shower.” Kate closed the door.

  “IS THERE SOMEONE I can call, your Mum?” Kate had found her crying on the bathroom floor and joined her there.

  “They were my mother's you know.” Josie still held the rosary beads, had held them through the appointment with Student Health.

  “Were?”

  “She died.” Josie sniffed. “That’s why I moved in here.”

  “Oh, Josie. I’m so sorry.” Kate’s arm encircled her.

  “Yeah. Me too.” Josie allowed her head to rest on Kate's shoulder.

  “What about your Dad? Or a friend?”

  Josie shook her head. If Pat was still here this never would have happened, they hadn’t spoken since she’d left...if only she hadn’t pushed things...

  When the sobs had descended into sniffles Kate began, “I know it’s a lot to take in but you need to think about what you’re going to do.”

  “Do?”

  “If you want to have an abortion, we have to get started on the process. It takes a while. God forbid a woman should have control over her own body.”

  Josie stiffened and moved away. Abortion was a word that left a nasty taste in her mouth, she’d have this baby. How the hell was she going to tell Gary?

  10

  The wind came in little breezes; caressing her hair with soft fingers, cooling the tracks of tears on her face, like it was trying to calm her. Her skirt was secure beneath a jacket that no longer reached across her swollen stomach. The wind didn’t lift it, nor did it whirl around her knees as though she were dancing.

  If she spoke, no one would hear her, not here, not anywhere. There was no one watching, monitoring her, keeping her safe. She’d escaped for some air, a chance to breathe, then a way to end it all had presented itself.

  With this act everything would go away; shame, hurt, stress. All gone. It would make everything so easy. Why was it so hard?

  The life growing within her moved and her hand grazed her stomach.

  She squinted against the glare of the sun. Bare feet were not practical for scaling the small ledge but her shoes no longer fit. Her aching feet had puffed up to twice their normal size. It wouldn’t matter if she slipped; that was, after all, the point.

  Finally, she was up, still unsteady in this strange body that no longer belonged to her. She could see that little bit further from up here but tears blurred her view. The cars looked like oversized toys that a child could have played with. If she reached out to touch them surely her fingers would sink right through.

  She took a deep breath.

  This was it.

  She closed her eyes and took a step.

  11

  17 February 2011

  “Are you still dating the guy with the small you-know-what?” Josie asked.

  “Penis. You can say it. It’s not a dirty word.” Kate punctuated this by taking a huge bite of her sandwich.

  “You know I’m not going to say it.” Josie wriggled in her seat. “You haven’t mentioned him in a while.”

  “It’s an anatomical term. Like the humerus, it’s just another bone.” Kate chuckled at her own joke. “This is why you wanted to see me today? We broke up.”

  “Why’d you break up? Did this one want to marry you too?” It seemed every man that Kate dated fell head over heels for her and proposed even though she made it very clear she wasn’t looking for that.

  “He broke my rules. He was late, he cancelled on me—twice in a row!” She threw her hands up. “I’d break up with you if you did that to me and he didn’t have almost 20 years of friendship. I gave him leeway but it was too much. Besides he didn’t want to marry me, he was already married.”

  “You were dating a married man?” Josie braced her hands on the table and stared at Kate.

  “Technically yes, but he was separated. If I’d known it was less than a year, I wouldn’t have dated him in the first place. His wife? Totally crazy. And that’s saying something coming from me.” She gestured with her sandwich. “I’m everyone’s crazy ex and if I think she’s crazy, boy are you in trouble.”

  Josie drew back. “She’s not actually mentally ill, is she?”

  “Probably. Needy, manipulative. All the things a guy doesn’t want. I can give you needy and manipulative.” Kate shoved the last of her sandwich into her mouth.

  “Maybe he loved her. He did marry her.”

  “Not everyone gets married for love,” Kate said through her mouthful. Josie frowned, not liking the way that statement made her feel. “And if things were going so well why did he leave?”

  “You don’t seem too happy about the break up even though you’re the one that ended it.”

  Kate shrugged. “I’m less anxious without him. That’s close enough to happy for me.”

  “Kate can I ask you something?”

  “You just did but go ahead.” She took a gulp of her coffee.

  “Did you ever tell him that he has a small you-know-what?”

  “No.” For once Kate didn’t have anything else to say. She seemed intent on her coffee, staring into her mug, though Josie could see her struggle to regain her composure. “Two lunches in one week,” she said after several minutes’ silence. She sniffed and looked up. “Are you doing OK?”

  Josie was more concerned for Kate; she’d never seen her discomposed. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Can’t I just want to see my best friend?”

  “Is it about the guy at work?” Kate pressed. “How are you coping? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a crush on someone.”

  She almost replied that she’d never seen Kate with a crush on someone either but said instead, “No, it’s not him. I mean that still bothers me but it’s not that. I—Kate—I found my birth certificate last night.”

  “Was it missing?”

  “No. I’d just never looked at it before. It—it wasn’t what I expected. My—my mother isn’t my mother, wasn’t my mother.”

  Kate grasped the situation quicker than Josie had hoped. “Her name wasn’t on the birth certificate.”

  “Yeah.” It was a relief to have Kate understand, to not have to explain.

  “So, whose name was?”

  “Mine.”

  “Well, obviously. I meant who was listed as your mother?”

  “Me. My name was under child and mother.”

  “Whoa. That’s freaky. Even with time travel it’s logistically impossible to be your own mother. Unless...unless you’re a clone?” Kate narrowed her eyes at Josie in speculation.

  “Can we talk actual possibilities
please? Also, a little sympathy would be nice. I've just found out my mother, at least the woman I thought was my mother, is not my mother.”

  Kate put her hand on Josie’s arm. “Just because she’s not your biological mother, it doesn’t mean she’s not your mother. It doesn’t obliterate your childhood or the woman who raised you.”

  “The woman who lied to me? Who the hell was she then?” Josie’s voice rose. “Who is my mother? I just—I don’t know what to do. I literally don’t know what to do in this situation.”

  “We research. We figure out what you know then we try to find out what you don’t. I think it's safe to say you were named for your mother. Whoever she is. And your, ah, other mother must be related because you have the same surname, right?”

  “Right. And my middle name is her first, was her first name.” Josie almost sighed in relief. It was so nice to have someone who knew what to do.

  “Good, good. We're making progress. Definitely related. Maybe—maybe she was in witness protection and had to change her name.”

  “But I was allowed to keep mine?”

  “Good point.” Kate was thoughtful for a few moments.

  “I just can’t cope with this right now,” Josie burst out. “There’s too much else going on. The earthquakes and Patsy and David and now this.”

  “Take some deep breaths. We don’t have a lot to work with right now. How about I come over on Saturday and we’ll try to sort this out? It’ll give me some time to think about how to handle this.”

  “OK. Thank you.” Josie squeezed Kate’s hand. “I knew you’d know what to do.”

  Kate smiled in response and returned a squeeze of Josie’s hand. “Now eat something. You haven’t touched your lunch and I’ve finished mine. I know this place isn’t great but we don’t have a lot of choice these days.”

  Josie took a bite of her wrap and pulled a face as if to say “see?”.

  “Did you hear they’re finally going to start rebuilding? It’ll mean an influx of tradies. I’m going to get me a man who’s good with his hands.” Kate grinned.