Happy Birthday, Wanda June
Page 10
HAROLD
Seventeen of them--eleven by accident. March! Move! (to PAUL)
You, too!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PENELOPE
Norbert--you come, too. (to HAROLD)
Let him go, Harold. Let him go.
HAROLD
Of course he can go--if he'll just go down on his hands and knees for a moment--and promise me that he does not find me comical in the least degree. PENELOPE
Do it, Norbert. WOODLY
Hands and knees, you say? HAROLD
And terror, if you don't mind. PENELOPE
Do it! WOODLY
(to PENELOPE, simply, decisively, unafraid) Goodbye.
HAROLD
(before she can
protest any more)
Goodbye! Goodbye!
He bellies and bullies PENELOPE and PAUL out the front door.
HAROLD
Get the police! No time to lose! He slams the door, turns to WOODLY.
HAROLD
You're in one hell of a jam. You realize that? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (135 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
WOODLY
I'm high as a kite. HAROLD
Glands. You're supposed to be happy when you die. Call me comical again. WOODLY
You're a clown. You're a clown who kills--but you're a clown. HAROLD
I love you! Have a cigar! WOODLY
(ignoring the cigar) Evolution has made you a clown-with a cigar. Simple butchers like you are obsolete! HAROLD
I'm to be left behind--in primordial ooze? WOODLY
If you're at home in the ooze, and nowhere else.
HAROLD
This is going to become very physical. Are you prepared for that? WOODLY
You're not such a creature of the ooze that you'd hurt an unarmed man. HAROLD
I'm an honorable clown? WOODLY
King Arthur. HAROLD
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You hope.
WOODLY
In any event, I will not beg for mercy. HAROLD
No quarter asked.
(taking a sword)
No quarter given.
WOODLY
Don't you laugh even inwardly at the heroic balderdash you spew? HAROLD
(offering sword) Cut me open. Find out.
WOODLY
I've struck my blow. HAROLD
With spittle? WOODLY
I've poisoned you. HAROLD
(pointing at WOODLY in horror)
Lucretia Borgia?
(looking around frantically) Something I drank or touched? (understanding)
You refused a cigar. That's it!
Potassium cyanide in the humidor!
Treacherous lover of peace!
WOODLY
I put a poisoned thought in your head. Even now that poison is seeping into every lobe of your mind. It's saying, "Obsolete, obsolete, obsolete," and, "Clown, file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (137 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
clown, clown."
HAROLD
Poison. WOODLY
You have a very good mind, or I wouldn't have come back. That mind is now asking itself, cleverly and fairly, "Is Harold Ryan really a clown?" And the answer is, "Yes."
HAROLD
(touching his forehead experimentally) I--I really must congratulate you. Something is happening in there.
WOODLY
You can never take yourself seriously again! Look at all the creatures you've protected us from! Did you shoot them on the elevator, as they were on their way up here to eat us alive?
HAROLD
(blankly, as though in a dream) No.
WOODLY
The magic root you gave me--I had it analyzed. It was discovered by a Harvard botanist in 1893! He explored your famous jungle for five years, armed with nothing but kindness, a talent for languages, and a pocketknife.
HAROLD
(blankly) I see.
WOODLY
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
You aren't going to hurt me. You aren't going to hurt anybody any more. Any violent gesture will seem ridiculous--to yourself!
HAROLD
(quietly) Don Quixote.
WOODLY
My violin is avenged! HAROLD
Something seems to have happened to my self-respect. WOODLY
And the hell with it. It was so tragically irrelevant, so preposterously misinformed. HAROLD
The new hero is you. WOODLY
I hate crowds, and I have no charisma-HAROLD You're too modest.
WOODLY
But the new hero will be a man of science and of peace--like me. He'll disarm you, of course. No more guns, no more guns. HAROLD
Was I ever of use? WOODLY
Never. For when you began to kill for the fun of it, you became the chief source of agony of mankind. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (139 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
HAROLD picks up the rifle, considers it, offers it to WOODLY.
HAROLD
Here. Finish the job. WOODLY
I'm utterly satisfied. HAROLD
You're making a mistake. Obsolete old carnivores like me are most dangerous when wounded. You've wounded me. WOODLY
More clowning! Don't you see? HAROLD
We never quit fighting until we're dead. WOODLY
You'd be killing a friend. Don't you know how much I like you?
HAROLD
I'm going to shoot you now. WOODLY
No! HAROLD
My self-respect is gone--and my soldier's honor with it. It is now very easy for me to shoot an unarmed man.
WOODLY
New dignity can be yours--as a merciful man. You can change! HAROLD
Like the saber-toothed tiger. WOODLY
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(sickened)
Oh God--you're really going to kill me.
HAROLD
It won't hurt as much as the sting of a bumblebee. Heaven is very much like Paradise, they say. You'll like it there.
WOODLY
Can I beg for mercy--on my knees? HAROLD
If you want to be found that way. WOODLY
What is this thing that kills me? HAROLD
Man, as man was meant to be--a vengeful ape who murders. He will soon be extinct. It's time, it's time. WOODLY
Don't shoot.
HAROLD
I've enjoyed being man. He aims the rifle tentatively.
WOODLY
No. (goes down on his knees) No.
HAROLD
Get up.
WOODLY
No.
HAROLD
Have it your way. We'd both be file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (141 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
better off dead now.
HAROLD begins to squeeze the trigger, falters, lowers the rifle.
HAROLD
Can't do it.
WOODLY
Thank God. HAROLD
Crawl home. He turns his back on WOODLY, who stands shakily.
WOODLY
Thank you--for my life. HAROLD
It's trash now, like mine. WOODLY
Somewhere in this city. Not here, not here. Tell Penelope I loved her--in my clownish way. And Paul. Tell him to be a healer, by all means. WOODLY
What are you going to do? HAROLD
Use the sanitary facilities, if I may. WOODLY
Leave the rifle here. HAROLD
I'll put it in Paul's room, where it belongs. WOODLY
Give me your word of honor that file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/K...gut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (142 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
that's all you're going to do.
HAROLD
For what it's worth now, Harold Ryan, the clown, gives his sacred word. HAROLD exits into corridor. WOODLY looks after him helplessly, apprehensively. Silence.
WOODLY
Harold? VON KONIGSWALD, MILDRED, and WANDA JUNE enter from the side stealthily. VON KONIGSWALD, pantomimes that his companions are to be quiet and to listen for something wonderful. All ghosts cup their hands to their ears.
WOODLY
Harold? There is a shot offstage. VON KONIGSWALD is delighted. MILDRED is sickened. WANDA JUNE is dazed. WOODLY collapses in grief. HAROLD enters from the corridor, shaking his head.
HAROLD
I missed. VON KONIGSWALD expresses disappointment. MILDRED covers her face. WANDA JUNE sucks her thumb.
HAROLD
The end. Curtain.
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