Her Pretend Christmas Date: A Lesbian Christmas Romance

by Alexa Woods

Her phone went off again, ruining the perfectly zen state of mind she was trying to achieve. Or as close to that as she could get in a perfectly lit bathroom, in a shallow tub, with no mood music, folded up like a pretzel in a tub that was too small.

  When a third text came in, Morgun cracked an eye. She shifted in the tub, sitting up and unfolding limbs that didn’t protest, but only because her muscles were so relaxed from the hot water. Morgun stood up and grabbed the towel off the rack. She wrapped the huge bath sheet around herself and dried her feet on the fuzzy red bathmat.

  She’d been a bad friend, no doubt about it. Chelsea was probably sending snarky texts and gifs, asking her if she was still rocking it out on the right side of the turf. There was probably a ghost gif—a not so subtle way that Chelsea was reminding her she didn’t appreciate getting ghosted. She’d done it before. She could be quite clever with the gifs when she chose to be.

  Morgun wasn’t sure how to tell her about Laney. Okay, so maybe Laney wasn’t the only guilty one when it came to not mentioning what was going on to friends. Morgun tried to text Chelsea, and call her, but then she didn’t want to talk about it over the phone. Chelsea was busy with family and Christmas and New Years and then busy with work after that and they hadn’t been hanging out as much. In fact, she’d barely seen her bestie since before Christmas when she’d started the whole thing by sending that message.

  Maybe I’m just as bad. But if Chelsea asked me about Laney, I would have told her. I would have told her everything.

  Telling Chelsea was going to straight up suck.

  Morgun grabbed her phone and her brows nearly nestled in her hairline permanently when she saw who those texts were really from. Not from Chelsea. From Laney.

  Morgun’s first reaction was to attempt to delete them without reading them. She realized that was stupid and spiteful. She’d been hoping against hope that Laney would change her mind and come around. Yes, what she’d done was hurtful and disrespectful, but Morgun wanted to believe that people could grow and genuinely be sorry and want to learn and change. If no one had ever cut her any slack—and she could think of a few times when she’d been incredibly dumb and made some really awful mistakes—she would be down a few friends. She’d probably be estranged from her parents. Her sisters likely wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

  She didn’t believe in sticking pins in a person to make them pay for what they’d done, she wasn’t that mean. But she’d also been taught that life is rough and a person can never fully know what’s going on with anyone else, and sometimes people screw up badly. In Morgun’s mind, there were few things that were unforgiveable. Sure, they’d sting for a long time, but unforgiveable? No. Not if someone was willing to work hard and show that they were dedicated to changing like they said they would.

  That didn’t mean she let people walk all over or use her. She really didn’t think she was too nice. She’d calmed down after she made Laney leave that night and realized that if Laney was willing to rethink things, apologize, and own her mistakes and her fears, Morgun would be willing to give it another shot. If Laney really was truly willing to change. Change her mind. Change her perception. Change what she wanted.

  Morgun also knew that conditions would really have to be right, but it wasn’t impossible.

  She hated that even in her despondency, pain over what happened, and grief over not having Laney there to talk to, laugh with, hold, spend the night with, or talk photos, she still held out hope. That grain was nestled so deep within herself, she wasn’t sure she could just pluck it out and throw it away, even if she wanted to.

  Morgun realized she was still standing in her bathroom in a towel, her phone held out in front of her like it was a venomous snake about to launch itself straight into her face. She relaxed her arm, focused her eyes out of their blurry state, and decided just to read the texts.

  She had to make peace with the idea of Laney not wanting another chance. Of her not being sorry. Of her not coming around. Of that hope not being realized. No matter how much it hurt, she was going to read those messages, and there were several.

  Hey, I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now. Maybe ever. I need to talk to you. Not over text. Not over the phone. In person. I know you’ll likely tell me to go fuck myself or turn off your phone, but please. I really need to meet with you.

  Do you have time tonight? The little coffee shop where we first met? I should say, where I first messed everything up?

  I have something I want to give you. Okay, I’ll tell you what it is, and no, I’m not trying to bribe you into meeting with me. I have the finished photos! They’re amazing. Beyond anything I even thought was possible. I can’t wait for you to see them!

  If you don’t want to meet with me, I understand. I can drop the photos for you at work. I know you don’t have a desk there, but I could leave the USB with the receptionist in an envelope and you could pick it up anytime tomorrow after I get there at nine.

  I’m sorry. This is like a novel. I really do want to talk to you. I want to apologize to you, at the very least, and I’m hoping I can do it in person.

  Promise I’m done now. Seriously. If you don’t want to talk, it’s okay. I understand. I really am sorry. Very. Profoundly. Sorry.

  And that was it. The texts stopped there. They’d come in relatively quickly, one after the other, but Laney knew that out of habit for work, Morgun was hardly ever far from her phone. If she wasn’t answering anything in the span of fifteen minutes, it was probably because she was pointedly ignoring the messages.

  Morgun’s heart raced. She had to reach out and steady herself against the vanity. She’d felt something different with Laney right from the start. So what if that something different had at first been something closer to disgust and detest than actual like? Laney was able to stir up emotion in Morgun that she hadn’t felt in years. Or at least a depth that she hadn’t ever felt.

  She’d learned so much in the past few weeks with Laney that it felt like they’d known each other for years. Then again, at times it felt that they’d only known each other for a very short time and that’s where the growing pains came from. Looking for someone and for a relationship was one thing. Falling into one and for someone when neither person expects it? That’s tough.

  Morgun thought she knew Laney. The real Laney who was poking through the tough front more and more often. The Laney who was wickedly funny, sharp as shit, talented and artsy, and most of all, so caring and passionate. That was who Morgun really believed Laney was. Not the Laney who stood in the lunchroom and told people they weren’t together. Not the Laney who kept listening to all her doubts and worries, not the Laney who was so overwhelmed by the unexpected that she wavered before she broke.

  The phone was slippery. Morgun had no idea why it was slippery, but then she realized that her hand was still a little wet and she was also shaking. Shaking like she was freezing cold, except that the bathroom was warm and steamy. She wasn’t cold at all. She was warm. Warm all over with that furious, resilient hope pumping hard like adrenaline through her veins.

  She managed to get her uncooperative, wooden fingers to text out something. A time. 8pm?

  The little dots danced at the bottom of the screen, then Laney’s response came back. Yes. That’s perfect. See you there. And thank you!

  Laney was too practical to send any emojis and she didn’t seem like she’d ever send a gif. She didn’t communicate in pictures like Chelsea did, which was odd, considering how she made her living.

  Morgun stopped thinking about that when she realized it was already just past seven and if she didn’t want to leave the house in a bath towel with her hair half soaked and her makeup smeared, she better hurry the heck up.

  She dropped the towel and jumped back in the bath so fast it was a miracle she didn’t slip and break something. She calmed down, pulled the plug, and switched on the shower. She hated showers. She viewed showers as unrelaxed and hurried, a quick way to rinse off or soap up your hair when you were
extremely pressed for time and stressed out.

  She paced herself, but she was already putting a plan together. She was going to arrive at the coffee shop, wet hair, no makeup, just her. Not in anything fancy, just jeans and a tank top or her comfy crewneck pullover sweater she liked so much. She was going to show up and she was going to be herself. She wasn’t going to come with any expectations, and she was going to temper that hope that was driving her crazy.

  After that, it was up to Laney.

  Chapter 29

  Laney

  Laney had spent a couple days after the shoot with Kirsten perfecting the apology of the century. She’d wanted to talk to a few other people first. Mostly her mom. She’d sucked it up and had taken her mom out for dinner. It was nice, just the two of them. She’d gone for coffee with Natasha the next day. That was also nice. Laney was surprised to find that when she was open to it and not already bothered before she even arrived, she enjoyed her family far more. She listened and considered, not just what they were saying, but them as well.

  Ugh, I’ve been such an asshole.

  After putting together what she thought she’d say, all those carefully planned words that she thought would come out not at all right, but maybe they’d be some semblance of enough or even a close approximation of right, she lost everything she was going to say as soon as Morgun walked into the little coffee shop.

  It was nice that Morgun sat down without getting anything to drink, even though James was hovering around in the background. She gave him a huge smile as if to say that yes, she really was back, and yes, she really was back there with Laney, even after the disaster he’d witnessed last time.

  It was also nice that Morgun spoke first, since Laney was having some serious trouble with her throat feeling like it was filled up with glue and sand.

  “I didn’t realize how close this place is to work.”

  “Yes, that’s why I come here.” Laney found she suddenly could make words.

  She tried to go for more, to tell Morgun everything she’d come to say, but none of it seemed right anymore.

  “Even if the lattes are too sweet.” She remembered how horrible Morgun had found the one she’d been drinking that first night she met her.

  “I have something I want to admit,” Morgun suddenly blurted.

  Laney waited, encouraging Morgun to continue with a nod. She was suddenly worried, because Morgun looked guilty and the strain of it showed in her face. Her beautiful face. A face that Laney hadn’t seen in just a few weeks, but it felt like years. She was so happy that Morgun was sitting across from her that it made her feel like she was vibrating.

  “I knew who you were that night I saw your profile online,” Morgun started. “My friend made me the dumb profile to begin with. She thought I wasn’t getting out enough. I had a bad breakup with my last girlfriend. Well, not terrible. No one hated each other or anything, but then I was single for a long time and I was happy with that and my work and my friends. Happy enough. My best friend, Chelsea, she didn’t think it was good for me to be single and she went ahead and made me that profile. That sounds pushy, but we’ve known each other forever and I grudgingly played along with it because I knew she was just trying to help. I didn’t think anything would come of it. We were just scrolling one night, because she basically forced me to go on there, and I saw your profile. I knew who you were because we applied for the same job two years ago. The one you got. The one I didn’t.”

  “Oh!” Laney’s mind spun and she thought she did remember Morgun from two years ago, but she couldn’t be sure. She hated that she couldn’t remember every single detail about her from that day, that she’d been too centered on herself to notice anyone else. The way she looked now would be forever burned into her memory though; all the little details, from Morgun’s crew neck sweater to her faded jeans, her wet hair to her face, completely devoid of makeup. She looked like she’d stepped out of the shower and rushed over to the coffee shop. She looked stunning. Absolutely stunning.

  “Chelsea had this plot for me to be your date and use you for insider secrets. That sounds terrible. Really, I just wanted to get a few contacts from you if I could. Chelsea made that sound so subversive, but after the first meeting, after you told me what you wanted to do, I decided that maybe we’d be able to help each other. She made me change my mind and contact you another time. I was going to give up on all of it because it made me so uncomfortable, so I guess I have her to thank for everything that happened afterwards, even if her own intentions were not so honorable. Well, neither were mine at the start. I’d decided that I didn’t like you just because you got that job instead of me. It was really petty and shitty of me. See? I’m not always that nice.”

  “Yes, you are,” Laney said, and she meant it. She didn’t have a drink or anything herself yet, so she tucked her hands in her lap so she wouldn’t fidget with them. “It was just supposed to be an arrangement or an agreement or whatever. It wasn’t that dishonest.”

  “I did lie to you though, when you asked me. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s alright. We didn’t really know each other then. We didn’t even like each other. Or at least, you had no reason to like me. I’m still not entirely sure I’ve given you any reason to like me now. Or be here. I’m glad you are. Here, that is.”

  Morgun started to gnaw on her bottom lip and it was her turn to stay silent and nod.

  “If that’s your confession, then don’t worry about it. I do understand. All those feelings are in the past anyway. We found something else. Something different. Something…I guess unexpected is a good word. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to deal with that. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. I even took my mom for lunch and told her everything.”

  “Really? What did you tell her?”

  “I said that she was right all along. That I think a person can want a career and a family too. I guess that kind of makes me right also. But she never said don’t have both. She was always telling me that I could have both and I could still be happy. That I didn’t have to write one off for the sake of the other. I don’t know why I never heard her like that when she was talking to me for all those years. Probably the continual harassment about ovaries. That’s probably what caused the shutdown.”

  “What else did she say?”

  “Oh, you know, just basically that she was right because moms are always right and when I’m a mom, I’ll get that privilege too.”

  “Do you want to?” Morgun’s eyes burned. “Have a family and be a mom?”

  Laney inhaled sharply. “I think that I’ve always wanted to. Between my mom nagging me and how busy I am with my job and how much I like it and want to keep getting better at it, I made myself believe that it wasn’t ever going to work.”

  “And now you think that it will?”

  “I met with someone who was very work oriented and she’s about to start a family and she was certain everything would work out. She was so calm and said that even if her career didn’t work after, she was okay with that. She saw endless opportunities anyway, and she was so excited. It made me think about what I really, really want. Not just what I’ve been telling myself to want, but what I really do want. I realized that I wasn’t afraid of us. I was afraid of having this huge thing that I’ve built up for myself just crumble away and leave me without any defenses.”

  “You always had me. I would have defended you.”

  Laney clutched at her pants, curling her nails through the black fabric and unclenching them. “Morgun, I…I hope that you still will. And let me defend you too. I thought about how I wanted to make this right. I thought about telling everyone from the lunchroom one by one that I lied and setting everything right, but I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to do that. I mean, I wanted to ask you first. I didn’t want to hurt you by doing something like that without you even knowing. It would seem very…after the fact, and that felt public and like I’d be trying too hard. So, I’m here. And I just want to tell you that I
’m sorry. I’m sorry because I acted like a dumb ass. I’m sorry that I shut down because I’m not good at talking about emotions, because I couldn’t even give myself time to process what I felt or truly wanted. I’m sorry that I was being this fake person, doing the tough guy act and all that. Then I started thinking, if I have to act like that to do my job, do I really want the job at all?”

  Morgun sat up just a little straighter, but her expression didn’t change. At least it was neutral and not pissed off or totally guarded. It wasn’t exactly open or hopeful either. “Do you?”

  “I did have an idea. I had this extremely fanciful notion that you’d forgive me and give me another chance to prove to you that I can work on being a better person. That I can figure all that shit out. Give me another chance to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Another chance at being my girlfriend. But also my partner. My business partner. I know it sounds crazy, but I thought that after seeing the photos that we did together and how they turned out, we could do what I wanted to do all along—start my own thing. I know you already have yours, and I’m not asking you to share that with me if you don’t want to. I could work for you, or with you. I just thought that we could work together and have our own thing and it would be amazing because we’d get to spend more time together and I wouldn’t have to be gone for work all the time, and we could create these amazing photos together. Doing what we love, together. Maybe even loving each other together too. Eventually.”

  Morgun blinked. “You said it. The L-word. I mean, eventually. You’d leave room for it? You’d consider it?”

  “I’m so, so sorry that I hurt you, Morgun. I didn’t treat you right. I acted like a kid and I know exactly why I did it and I’d like to never go back to being that way again. I know that I’m not naturally good at talking about things like this, but I want to get better at that too.”

  “You’re doing a decent job of it so far. Better than expected, in fact.”