Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

  But before Zack could reply—or even stand up—he felt a cold blast of water hit his body. He rolled around on the ground, helpless against the force of the icy torrent.

  Finally, just when Zack felt he couldn’t possibly get any colder or wetter, the water stopped.

  As he lay there shivering, he saw a pair of boots step in front of his face. They were covered in sludge from the blob.

  ‘Well, don’t just lie there!’ said their owner. ‘Get up and give me a hand!’

  ‘Eleanor?’ said Zack, wiping water from his eyes.

  ‘No, it’s the Easter bunny!’ said Eleanor. ‘Who do you think?’

  ‘You’re not going to hose me again, are you?’ said Zack, getting to his knees.

  ‘I will if you don’t hurry up,’ said Eleanor, still pointing the emergency bum-fighting hose at him. ‘Come on! There are people dying in there!’

  ‘But how did you get out?’ said Zack.

  ‘Anti-giant-brown-blob spray,’ said Eleanor, producing a small can from her bum-fighting utility belt. ‘I never leave home without it!’

  ‘Nobody told me about that,’ said Zack.

  ‘You didn’t ask,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I didn’t even know about giant brown blobs!’ said Zack.

  ‘Well, you do now,’ said Eleanor, waving her hose at the blob in front of them. ‘But what you probably don’t know is that they set hard in less than an hour. We’ve got to get everybody out before it’s too late!’

  ‘He’ll be no use,’ said Zack’s bum, shivering from the same water treatment Zack had got. ‘He’s hopeless.’

  Zack bent down, picked up his bum and cradled it gently in his arms. ‘Shhhh,’ he said. ‘It’s okay. I know you just said all those things to get me mad enough to punch our way out of the blob. But you can stop now. We’re out!’

  ‘I meant every word, you bum-fighting wannabe!’ said his bum, still punch-drunk from the beating.

  ‘We haven’t got time for this!’ said Eleanor, thrusting a shovel into Zack’s hand. ‘You can sort this out later. Meanwhile, we have people to save! Including your mother and father!’

  Zack stared at the shovel and felt sick. Compared to the blob, the shovel seemed no bigger than a teaspoon.

  There was no point even starting.

  But he couldn’t let his parents die!

  Not when he was just getting to really know them. He’d always believed that they played in the wind section of a symphony orchestra that toured all over the world. He’d had no idea it was a cover for their real work as top secret bum-fighting agents. And he sure hadn’t gone to all the trouble of travelling to Uranus and back to rescue them just to lose them to a stupid brown blob.

  Zack attacked the blob with his shovel.

  Eleanor blasted the blob with her hose.

  But it was tough going.

  After ten minutes Zack was exhausted. The blob seemed to be setting harder with every passing moment. He rested on his shovel, panting. The hole he’d made in the blob was pathetically small. ‘It’s no use,’ he said.

  ‘Keep digging!’ said Eleanor. ‘We have to try!’

  ‘It’s impossible,’ said Zack.

  ‘Give me one good reason why,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘How about that one right behind you?’ said Zack’s bum.

  Zack and Eleanor turned around slowly.

  And gasped.

  CHAPTER 6

  SURROUNDED!

  There, towering over Zack and Eleanor, was the Great White Bum, the most evil and ruthless bum in the entire history of the world.

  Zack felt his heart pounding.

  There it stood. Two enormous white cheeks of pure menace—dedicated to nothing less than the downfall of humanity—propped up by two skinny white legs.

  ‘But that’s impossible!’ whispered Eleanor. ‘The Great White Bum was sucked into the brown hole!’

  ‘So were we,’ said Zack. ‘But you know what? I don’t think it is the Great White Bum.’

  ‘Of course it is,’ said Eleanor. ‘I’d know those cheeks anywhere.’

  ‘So would I,’ said Zack, ‘but those cheeks have no burn marks. No scars. No harpoon wounds.’

  ‘Um, Zack?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Not now,’ said Zack.

  ‘Yes, right now!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Look behind you.’

  Hardly daring to take their eyes off the Great White Bum, Zack and Eleanor nevertheless turned around slowly to see something that neither of them could believe.

  Another Great White Bum!

  ‘Two Great White Bums?’ said Zack, looking from one to the other rapidly. ‘But I thought there was only one.’

  ‘Three to be precise,’ said Zack’s bum, as a shadow passed over them. ‘Look to your right.’

  Zack and Eleanor, almost beyond shock now, looked to their right. There, sure enough, blocking out the sun, was a third Great White Bum.

  Nobody said anything.

  They didn’t know what to say.

  Zack’s bum broke the silence. ‘Actually, better make that four all-up,’ it said, ‘look to your left!’

  Zack and Eleanor did not want to look to their left. But look to their left they did, to see a fourth Great White Bum approaching them.

  The two bum-fighters now stood back to back and turned slowly as they watched Great White Bums advancing on them from all sides.

  The ground was shaking.

  Zack’s bum leapt into his arms. It was shaking even harder than the ground.

  ‘What do you think this means?’ said Zack, trembling in spite of the fact that he was a fully qualified bum-fighter with a special medal for excellence in simulated bum-fighting.

  ‘Well,’ said Eleanor, ‘I’m just guessing, but I’d say it means we’ve got a bum-fight on our hands.’

  CHAPTER 7

  BUM-FIGHT

  ‘You’ve got to be joking, Eleanor!’ said Zack, as the Great White Bums closed in on them. ‘We can’t possibly fight four Great White Bums!’

  ‘Well, what do you suggest we do?’ said Eleanor. ‘The hokey pokey?’

  ‘It worked on the zombie bums,’ said Zack.

  Eleanor rolled her eyes and stepped forwards. ‘Which one of you is the Great White Bum?’ she shouted at the bums.

  ‘Here!’ boomed the Great White Bum directly in front of her. ‘I’m the Great White Bum.’

  ‘No, I’m greater than you,’ said the Great White Bum to her left.

  ‘But I’m the greatest!’ said the Great White Bum to her right.

  ‘No, I’m greater than the greatest!’ insisted the fourth.

  Zack tried to block his nose. The gales of methane emitted as the four Great White Bums argued amongst themselves were almost worse than the stench of the giant brown blob.

  ‘That’s enough!’ yelled Eleanor ferociously. ‘I’m not in the mood for this.’

  The four Great White Bums stopped their argument immediately. Even Zack felt scared. Eleanor was pretty frightening when she was angry. Even if you were a Great White Bum. Even if you were greater than the greatest of the Great White Bums.

  ‘Listen to me,’ said Eleanor, turning slowly as she spoke in a low, murderous voice. ‘To tell you the truth, I don’t care which of you is the Great White Bum. What I really want to know is, which one of you is responsible for this?’

  Eleanor pointed at the giant brown blob.

  The four Great White Bums were silent.

  ‘Well?’ said Eleanor, her eyes flashing.

  ‘He did it!’ said the Great White Bum in front of her, pointing to the one at her left.

  ‘No, I never!’ said the accused Great White Bum, turning a deep red and then pointing to the Great White Bum at her right. ‘It was him!’

  ‘Liar!’ said the Great White Bum at Eleanor’s right, pointing at the Great White Bum behind her. ‘It was him!’

  ‘No, it wasn’t,’ said the Great White Bum behind her. ‘It was him!’

  Eleanor looked at where he was
pointing.

  It was pointing at Zack’s bum.

  ‘How could I have done it?’ said Zack’s trembling bum. ‘Look at me! I’m tiny!’

  ‘You are now,’ said the first Great White Bum. ‘Better out than in, I always say.’

  The Great White Bum burst out laughing at its little joke. The others joined in.

  ‘Right,’ said Eleanor, not impressed. ‘That does it. Now you’re all going to pay. Zack, you and your bum hit the deck. Now!’

  Zack and his bum did as they were instructed.

  Eleanor whipped out a Nail-rifle XR-5000 from her bum-fighter’s belt, dropped to one knee and spun in a fast circle, spraying the Great White Bums with a double-barrelled burst of six-inch reinforced tungsten-tipped roofing nails.

  ‘Ouch!’ said the Great White Bum in front of her.

  ‘Double-ouch!’ said the Great White Bum at her left.

  ‘Triple-ouch!’ said the Great White Bum at her right.

  ‘Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!’ said the Great White Bum at her rear.

  ‘Don’t you mean “quadruple-ouch”?’ said the first Great White Bum.

  ‘I’ll be the judge of what I’m feeling,’ said the rear bum, letting fly a giant brown blob at the bum in front.

  Eleanor and Zack shielded their faces with their hands. SPLAT!

  It was a direct hit and pieces of fresh giant brown blob splattered everywhere.

  The other Great White Bums laughed.

  ‘Find that funny, do you?’ said the freshly hit Great White Bum. ‘Well, laugh it up, funny boys!’ And so saying, it launched two giant brown blobs at the giggling bums.

  Suddenly the air was alive with giant brown blobs flying in all directions as the four Great White Bums pounded each other in an ear-splitting, nostril-burning free-for-all.

  ‘Come on!’ said Zack, putting his bum down and picking up his shovel.

  ‘What are you doing, Zack?’ said his bum.

  ‘We’ve got to get the others out!’ said Zack. ‘Before it’s too late!’

  ‘It already is too late,’ said Eleanor sadly. ‘The blob will have set hard by now.’

  ‘No!’ said Zack. ‘My parents are in there!’

  ‘I know, Zack,’ said Eleanor. ‘So is my father. But there’s nothing we can do for them now. All we can do is save ourselves and keep fighting. It’s what they would have wanted.’

  Zack looked at the blob. He looked at Eleanor. He knew she was right, but he still couldn’t bring himself to leave.

  Eleanor grabbed his arm. ‘Get a grip, Zack,’ she said, pulling him away.

  CHAPTER 8

  SCHLOOOMPH!

  Zack grabbed his bum and the three of them ran down the hill towards what remained of the Bum-fighting Academy after the zombie bums’ foiled invasion.

  Suddenly, all was quiet behind them.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Zack, turning around. ‘I think they’ve noticed we’re missing.’

  ‘How do you know?’ said Eleanor.

  Zack put out his hand and grabbed Eleanor, bringing her to a dead stop.

  ‘Zack! What do you think you’re . . . ?’ she started, but then a giant brown blob smashed down right in front of her—right where she would have been if Zack hadn’t stopped her.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘No problem,’ said Zack.

  ‘Wrong!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘We’ve got plenty of problems. Look!’

  The four Great White Bums had indeed stopped pounding each other and had turned their attention back to the bum-fighters. Four giant brown blobs were already flying through the air towards them.

  SCHLOOOMPH!

  A giant brown blob crashed down behind them.

  SCHLOOOMPH!

  A giant brown blob crashed down in front of them.

  ‘Go left!’ yelled Zack.

  SCHLOOOMPH!

  ‘Go right!’ yelled Zack’s bum.

  SCHLOOOMPH!

  ‘Don’t move!’ said Eleanor.

  They were surrounded. Again.

  Zack, Eleanor and Zack’s bum huddled together.

  Zack realised it would only be a matter of moments before they were buried beneath a fresh giant brown blob.

  He sighed, closed his eyes and blocked his nose.

  CHAPTER 9

  DEATH RAY

  They waited.

  And waited.

  And waited.

  But the blob didn’t come.

  Zack peered out from underneath his fingers and looked back up the hill. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. ‘Hey!’ he whispered to Eleanor and his bum. ‘Look!’

  As the four Great White Bums prepared to launch a new round, another Great White Bum flew down out of the sky and landed behind them.

  Only this one was even whiter than the others.

  The four Great White Bums didn’t appear to notice the new bum until it picked two of them up by the top of their cheeks, swung them through the air and smashed them together.

  The bums fell limply to the ground.

  ‘Wow!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘That’s impressive!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Eleanor. ‘But why is it attacking its own kind?’

  ‘Who cares?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Let’s run.’

  ‘Good idea,’ said Zack.

  The bum-fighters seized their chance. They picked their way through the minefield of brown blobs and ran for the safety of the Bum-fighting Academy mess hall.

  After dispatching the other two Great White Bums in a similar fashion, the whitest of the Great White Bums flew down towards the tiny bum-fighters and landed in front of them, blocking their way.

  Eleanor drew her nail-rifle. ‘Eat six-inch reinforced tungsten-tipped roofing nails!’ she yelled, firing off the few remaining rounds. But the nails had no effect. They simply made a metallic pinging sound as they bounced off the bum’s shiny white hide.

  The Great White Bum just stood there silently.

  ‘I’m out of tricks,’ said Eleanor desperately. ‘What have you got, Zack?’

  ‘This!’ said Zack as he removed his medal and flung it, like a ninja star, at the Great White Bum’s left cheek.

  But the medal, like Eleanor’s nails, bounced harmlessly to the ground.

  ‘That’s me out,’ said Zack. He turned to his bum. ‘You got anything?’

  His bum emitted a short burst of gas.

  ‘Pathetic,’ said Eleanor. ‘But thanks for trying.’

  Then the Great White Bum leaned down towards them.

  ‘Nose-pegs on!’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s going to gas us!’

  But instead of gassing them, the Great White Bum emitted a dazzling beam of bright white light.

  ‘Aaagghh!’ yelled Zack’s bum. ‘I’m burning up!’

  ‘Me too!’ said Zack. ‘And I can’t move!’

  ‘Me neither!’ said Eleanor, trying to cover her eyes with her jacket.

  It was as if the light was sucking every bit of energy from their bodies.

  So, thought Zack grimly: out of the frying pan and into the fire. They’d escaped from the horror of the brown blob—only to be cooked to a crisp by a Great White Bum’s death ray.

  Zack tried to shield his eyes from the glare, but as he brought his arm up to his face he was amazed to see it become transparent and then disappear.

  Zack looked down.

  His whole body was disappearing.

  Right in front of his eyes.

  CHAPTER 10

  NED

  Everything went black.

  But only for a moment.

  Zack blinked.

  And blinked.

  And blinked again.

  His eyes, still dazzled by the light, slowly adjusted to their new surroundings. Zack saw that he, his bum and Eleanor were standing in exactly the same positions they were in when they’d been caught in the light.

  The only difference was that they were now standing in the centre of a glass cylinder in a room that was filled with computers, levers, pulleys, cogs, spri
ngs, dials and wires. There was a bank of security camera-style screens on one wall transmitting grainy black-and-white images. Zack squinted, but was too far away to work out exactly what the images were.

  ‘Teleportation complete,’ announced a soothing female voice.

  Zack spun around to see who had spoken, but there was nobody there. The voice seemed to come from everywhere, and nowhere, at the same time.

  ‘Teleported?’ said Zack. ‘Are we inside the Great White Bum?’

  ‘I guess so,’ said Eleanor, tapping the glass around them with a puzzled look on her face.

  ‘Wow,’ said Zack. ‘I didn’t know Great White Bums had control centres.’

  ‘There’s a lot we don’t know about Great White Bums,’ said Eleanor. ‘Including the fact that up to half an hour ago we thought there was only one of them. And that we thought we’d seen the last of it.’

  ‘I’m scared,’ said Zack’s bum, hugging Zack’s leg.

  ‘Will you cut that out?!’ said Zack.

  ‘But I’m scared!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘No need to be scared!’ said a voice from behind them. ‘You’re with friends now!’

  Zack and Eleanor wheeled around.

  A bearded man wearing a tattered bum-fighter’s uniform and a big smile was standing in front of them.

  CHAPTER 11

  ROBOBUM

  ‘Ned?’ said Zack. The last time Zack had seen Ned was when they were leaving his shack in the Great Windy Desert after he’d helped them to plug up a deadly bumcano. ‘Ned Smelly?’

  ‘The very one!’ said Ned, stepping forwards to slide open the door of the glass tube and embrace his friends. Luckily the terrible body odour that had earned Ned his nickname was no longer evident. Well, at least it was no worse than any other retired bum-fighter’s body odour. This was because Ned had given up his diet of needleweeds and stinkants in favour of much less stinky anti-bum energy bars.

  The three hugged.

  ‘I came as soon as I could,’ said Ned.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ said Zack. ‘You’ve been swallowed by a Great White Bum! You have to go where it goes!’

  Ned laughed. ‘Wrong,’ he said. ‘She goes where I tell her to go. Welcome to Robobum!’