Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

  Zack looked at his bum dumbly.

  ‘Pleased to meet you,’ he said, extending his hand. ‘My name is Zack.’

  ‘I know who you are!’ said his bum, slapping Zack’s hand away. ‘It’s me—your bum—remember?’

  Zack tried to focus on the small pink excitable bum in front of him. It looked familiar, but he was having a lot of trouble remembering why.

  ‘You look like somebody I know . . .’ said Zack.

  ‘Maybe this will jog your memory,’ said his bum, huffing in Zack’s face.

  The obnoxious odour sent Zack into a doubled-over coughing fit, but when he’d come to, he remembered exactly who he was. And exactly who it was.

  ‘Why, you . . .’ he said to his bum, reaching out to strangle it.

  ‘Steady, Zack,’ it said, jumping out of the way. ‘You were delirious. I had to do it. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Not as sorry as I am,’ said Zack, stifling another coughing fit. Beside him, Eleanor and Ned were coughing and returning to their senses as well.

  Zack rose to his feet—a little dizzy from both the bad air and the blow to his head. He staggered to the bumcam screens.

  He could see that they were in a lush bumnut-tree forest. The bumnut trees were enormous—taller than any he had ever seen—their thick brown fronds blocking out the sky.

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ said Ned from behind him. ‘I don’t believe it!’

  ‘What?’ said Zack.

  Ned was bent over the temporal navigator. ‘I don’t know how this has happened, but the temporal navigator indicates that we are deep in the heart of the late Cretaceous period.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘It’s 65 million years BC,’ said Ned, still shaking his head in wonder.

  ‘You mean we just travelled through time?’ said Eleanor. ‘Forwards?’

  ‘It would seem so,’ said Ned, scratching his beard. ‘It appears that we’re exactly where we need to be.’

  ‘Thanks, Ned!’ said Eleanor. ‘You’re a genius!’

  ‘I didn’t do anything,’ said Ned. ‘Thank Robobum!’

  ‘Thanks, Robobum,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I cannot take credit for this outcome,’ said Robobum. ‘Thank Zack.’

  ‘Me?’ said Zack, rubbing his head. ‘What did I do?’

  ‘When you fell, your head hit the temporal navigator control panel,’ said Robobum. ‘The force not only initiated time travel, but at the same time fixed the loose screw that caused the 585-million-year error on our last trip.’

  ‘I did all that?’ said Zack, proudly.

  ‘It was the least you could do,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Zack.

  ‘You know exactly what I mean,’ said Eleanor. ‘It was the least you could do to make up for the botched attempt to kill the Great White Bum.’

  ‘At least I tried,’ said Zack. ‘Better to try and fail than never to have tried at all.’

  ‘No,’ said Eleanor. ‘Not in this case. In this case it was better not to try than to fail. You just made an enemy of the Great White Bum.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ said Zack. ‘He wasn’t exactly our friend to begin with!’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Because you tried to kill him.’

  ‘You’ve been trying to kill him for a lot longer than I have,’ said Zack.

  ‘Oh, really?’ said Eleanor. ‘I seem to remember that it was you who fired the first ever shot at him.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Zack.

  ‘Five hundred and eighty-five million years ago,’ said Eleanor. ‘And if my memory serves me correctly, I also seem to remember that you missed.’

  ‘Ned dived on me,’ said Zack.

  ‘I was just trying to stop you from creating a bigger problem than we already had,’ said Ned.

  ‘What could be bigger than Bumageddon?’ said Zack.

  ‘Bumageddon didn’t exist at that moment,’ said Ned. ‘You were way out of line and way off mission. You might have killed the Great White Bum, yes, but by doing so, you might also have completely altered the course of bumolution and erased the possibility of humans even evolving.’

  ‘Would that have been such a bad thing?’ said Zack’s bum.

  The bum-fighters all turned and glared at Zack’s bum.

  ‘Just joking,’ it said quickly.

  ‘I was only trying to do what I thought was best,’ said Zack quietly.

  ‘Yeah, well, no more heroics,’ said Eleanor. ‘You might have a certificate and a medal, but bum-fighting is a team effort, and the sooner you realise that, the better.’

  Zack nodded dejectedly.

  Maybe she was right.

  Suddenly the silence of the forest was broken by a horrendous howl. The ground began to shake around them.

  ‘What’s that?’ said Zack’s bum, as the howl sounded again, even closer this time.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Zack. ‘But whatever it is, it sounds like it’s in pain.’

  ‘Robobum!’ said Ned. ‘Can you identify what is making that sound?’

  ‘Insufficient data,’ said Robobum.

  Ned stood up and began rifling through a collection of books on an overhead shelf. He selected a thick volume called What Bumosaur is That? and began quickly leafing through the pages. ‘Uh-oh,’ he said. ‘If I didn’t know better I’d say that’s the sound of a tyrannosore-arse . . .’

  ‘And here it is!’ said Eleanor, as the image of an enormous, throbbing red bum, its cheeks lined with two rows of huge, sharp, dagger-like teeth, appeared on the screens and began charging towards them.

  CHAPTER 26

  TYRANNOSORE-ARSE

  Zack stared at the bumcam screens. He had seen some terrifying and unpleasant sights in his short career as a bum-fighter, but few as terrifying—or as unpleasant—as this.

  ‘What are you waiting for, Ned?’ said Eleanor. ‘Get this hunk of tin moving!’

  ‘Robobum is not a hunk of tin,’ said Robobum. ‘I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping!’

  ‘Spare us the details,’ said Eleanor. ‘Just run!’

  ‘Unable to run,’ said Robobum. ‘Currently performing damage assessment.’

  ‘No time for that now!’ said Ned. ‘Move!’

  But it was already too late.

  Zack stared, transfixed and sickened, as the tyrannosore-arse cheek-butted Robobum and sent her flying through the bumnut-tree forest.

  Zack, Eleanor, Ned and Zack’s bum were thrown violently from one side of Robobum to the other. They landed heavily on top of each other as Robobum came to rest wedged between two bumnut trees.

  ‘Do you think it’s finished with us?’ said Zack.

  There was another howl and then the ground started to shake again.

  ‘I suspect it’s only just begun,’ said Ned, looking up from his guidebook. ‘It says here that the tyrannosore-arse likes to play with its food . . . before eating it.’

  Through the upside-down bumcam of Robobum, they could see the tyrannosore-arse crashing towards them again.

  ‘If this is playing then I’d hate to see it when it gets serious,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Me too,’ said Eleanor. ‘Switch to manual control, Ned!’

  ‘Good idea,’ said Ned.

  ‘Bad idea!’ said Robobum. ‘Strongly recom—’

  Robobum’s voice was shut off mid-sentence as Ned pulled down on a lever.

  ‘Done,’ said Ned.

  ‘Then what are we waiting for?’ said Eleanor. ‘Go!’

  ‘I’m trying,’ said Ned, ‘but we’re wedged between the trees!’

  ‘Hurry!’ said Zack, watching as the enraged tyrannosore-arse opened its cheeks again and clamped them down hard over the top of Robobum.

  Everything went dark for a second and
then they felt Robobum being lifted free of the trees.

  ‘That’s got it!’ said Ned.

  Suddenly the room was filled with light as the tyrannosore-arse hurled Robobum through the air once more.

  This time, however, Ned was able to activate Robobum’s ‘flight’ program and they hit the forest floor running.

  ‘Good going, Ned,’ said Eleanor as Robobum dodged bumnut trees and leapt over rivers and bogs.

  ‘It’s still chasing us!’ said Zack, listening to the loud, outraged howls close behind them.

  ‘Relax!’ said Ned. ‘This is just a walk in the park for Robobum. Wait till I really get this baby going.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ said Eleanor, placing her hand on Ned’s to stop him opening the throttle.

  ‘Why not?’ he said.

  ‘Look,’ said Eleanor, her eyes wide.

  CHAPTER 27

  RUN!

  Directly in front of Robobum was another tyrannosore-arse, even bigger than the one chasing them. And not only was it bigger, it was redder. And louder. It pawed the forest floor angrily, howled and charged towards them.

  Ned didn’t hesitate.

  He pushed the emergency stop button, sending them all piling towards the bumcam screens.

  ‘What do we do now?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Ned.

  ‘Ned, I think it’s time to put Robobum back in control of herself,’ said Zack. ‘Maybe she will have had time to figure out what to do.’

  ‘Can’t hurt,’ said Ned, throwing the switch back to automatic.

  ‘Hello, I am Robobum,’ said Robobum, crackling back to life. ‘Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping!’

  ‘Robobum!’ said Ned. ‘I know! I built you, remember? It’s Ned! Ned Smelly!’

  ‘I know who you are,’ said Robobum. ‘You turned me off. Don’t do that again.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Ned. ‘But you’ve got to help us. We’re being attacked by two tyrannosore-arses. What should we do?’

  ‘Leave them to me,’ announced Robobum. ‘Meanwhile, I advise you to abandon ship immediately! It’s going to get rough. Too rough for passengers. I’ll pick you up later.’

  Zack, Ned, Eleanor and Zack’s bum didn’t argue. They assembled in the teleportation tube and beamed themselves clear of Robobum only moments before the two tyrannosore-arses closed in.

  ‘Ned!’ said Robobum, in her loudest outside voice. ‘You forgot this!’

  Robobum beamed Ned’s copy of What Bumosaur is That? into his hand.

  ‘Thanks, Robobum!’ cried Ned. ‘Be careful!’

  ‘Do not concern yourself about me,’ she said. ‘I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping! I am perfectly capable of handling myself.’

  ‘Come on, Ned,’ said Eleanor, trying to drag him away from Robobum.

  ‘But they’re going to destroy her!’ said Ned. ‘My baby!’

  ‘They’ll destroy us if we don’t find a place to hide,’ said Eleanor, grabbing Ned and dragging him into the thick undergrowth.

  CHAPTER 28

  TRICERABUTT

  The bum-fighters fought their way through the shaded semi-tropical undergrowth. Zack wiped his sweating brow and marvelled at the difference that 585 million years can make. The Earth had come alive. There were bumnut-tree forests in place of grey sludge. Giant mutant blowflies droned around their heads. Enormous red stinkants lumbered in single file across the forest floor. And, of course, terrifying bumosaurs ruled the planet.

  As they hacked against thick vines and even thicker spider webs, the bum-fighters could hear Robobum preparing to do battle with the tyrannosore-arses.

  ‘I must warn you,’ said Robobum, ‘I have fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units . . .’

  There was a loud tyrannosore-arse howl.

  A sickening metallic crunch.

  And then . . . silence.

  Zack glanced back at Ned.

  Ned looked at Zack.

  ‘Nuclear wart-head equipped,’ said a voice. ‘Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making . . .’

  The bum-fighters grinned with relief. But not for long.

  There was another howl.

  Followed by another crunch.

  Silence.

  And then . . .

  ‘. . . and I am self-wiping!’

  A third crunch.

  And a fourth.

  And a fifth.

  Ned put his hands over his ears. ‘Robobum!’ he cried. ‘My Robobum!’

  ‘Come on, Ned,’ said Eleanor, putting her arm around his shoulders. ‘We have to look after ourselves now. It’s what Robobum would want.’

  Zack, who was leading, pushed his way into a rectangular clearing that was about the size of a soccer pitch.

  ‘Hey!’ said his bum, trying to brighten the mood. ‘Anyone for soccer?’

  ‘We don’t have a ball,’ said Ned.

  ‘We could use Zack’s bum,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Not funny!’ said Zack’s bum.

  They were halfway across the clearing when Zack screamed.

  ‘Shut up!’ said Eleanor. ‘Do you want the tyrannosore-arses to hear us?’

  ‘No,’ said Zack. ‘But . . .’

  ‘But what?’ said Eleanor.

  Zack was speechless.

  He could only point.

  Charging towards them was a huge armoured bum with three cheeks. Each cheek had a large wart in its centre.

  And each wart was sharpened to a deadly point.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Ned, looking from his guidebook to the bumosaur and then back to the book. ‘A tricerabutt!’

  ‘We can see that!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘How do you stop it?’

  ‘You can’t,’ said Ned, consulting his book. ‘It says here that nothing can stop a charging tricerabutt.’

  They all stared helplessly at the triple-cheeked beast as it lumbered towards them, picking up speed as it came.

  Zack gulped.

  In the space of a single morning they’d been giant-brown-blobbified, travelled millions of years into the past, been involved in a wild bum chase, travelled millions of years into the future and been attacked by not one, but two tyrannosore-arses. They needed a tricerabutt attack like they needed a hole in the head . . . or three holes, as was a very real possibility in this situation.

  ‘Gee,’ said Zack. ‘The Cretaceous is a really fun place. We should come here more often.’

  ‘We’ll be lucky to get out alive,’ said Eleanor.

  The tricerabutt snorted as it ran.

  The stink made Zack feel faint.

  The bum-fighters were in trouble.

  Big trouble.

  Bad trouble.

  Triple trouble.

  They didn’t have time to run back to where they’d come from. The jungle was too dense. And running forwards was out of the question.

  Then Zack had an idea.

  ‘Stand back, everyone,’ he said.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ said Zack’s bum, backing away with Ned and Eleanor.

  Zack pulled what was left of his bum-fighter’s certificate out of his bum-fighting belt and, using the two top corners, held it out to his side, matador-style.

  ‘Be careful, Zack!’ said his bum.

  ‘ “Careful” is my middle name,’ said Zack.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ said his bum. ‘It’s Henry!’

  ‘Shut up!’ said Zack.

  Zack Henry Freeman took a deep breath and focused. ‘You want a piece of me?’ he said to the charging tricerabutt.
‘Come and get it!’

  CHAPTER 29

  OLÉ!

  The tricerabutt needed no encouragement.

  It was already halfway across the clearing.

  Zack had barely fluttered the sheet of paper in his hand and stepped nimbly to one side before the triple-cheeked brute charged past him, snorting great clouds of methane.

  ‘Bravo!’ yelled Zack’s bum.

  ‘Olé!’ said Zack, feeling slightly dizzy from the double dose of noxious fumes issuing forth from between the tricerabutt’s three cheeks.

  The tricerabutt smashed uselessly into the undergrowth at the other end of the clearing. It pulled itself out, turned to face Zack and began charging again.

  ‘Olé, again!’ said Zack, jumping out of the way at the last moment as the beast charged past him.

  ‘Good going, Zack,’ said Eleanor.

  But Zack was not feeling well. He was desperately trying to fight the methane fog that was starting to cloud his thinking.

  The tricerabutt turned once again and lowered its cheeks so that its three deadly warts were pointing directly at Zack.

  It pawed the ground and began its run.

  Zack tried to concentrate. With great difficulty. To his alarm he saw not one, but three separate tricerabutts coming at him. He waved his certificate first at one, then the other, and then the third.

  ‘Zack!’ yelled his bum, who had figured out that Zack was suffering methane-induced triple vision. ‘Close one eye!’

  But, although this was excellent advice, Zack was too far gone to understand—or even to hear—what his bum was saying to him. He doubled over in a violent coughing fit.

  ‘Zack!’ yelled his bum. ‘Get up! It’s coming!’

  But Zack was coughing too hard to hear his bum’s warning. Or the thundering of the tricerabutt’s hooves.

  Zack’s bum ran to Zack and tried to pull him out of the way. But Zack, now on his knees, was too heavy for the small bum to move.

  The tricerabutt, sensing a kill, lowered its mighty wart-horns close to the ground as it closed in on its helpless quarry.

  ‘Leave me,’ spluttered Zack. ‘Save yourself while there’s still time!’

  ‘Not on your life!’ said his bum, taking the certificate from Zack’s hand. ‘It’s one for all and all for one! Got a match?’