Belonging

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  I passed the food over to Summer and was enormously pleased to see her scarfing her food down like a hungry animal. I liked a girl with an appetite—and one who would not waste my money on her meal.

  We ate for a minute, just chewing and swallowing. I was thinking that a burger had never tasted so good.

  Summer wiped the juices off her lips, and taking me off guard, she said, “You know—I’m banished from the Amish community for two whole months.” She watched my reaction, and I suddenly felt as if maybe we were on the same side of whatever game Rose was playing.

  “What for?” I was angry for her, feeling almost as if a slight against the girl sitting beside me was one against me.

  “It’s a long story, but basically it involved a cell phone.” She rolled her eyes slightly.

  “Who has the authority to tell you something like that?”

  I was beginning to think maybe Rose was being held against her will. Otherwise, how else could she put up with such bullshit?

  “The bishop told me—and my mamma isn’t too happy about it, either.” She bit into her hamburger with more vigor.

  I filed what she said away in my mind and then asked, “Do you think Rose is really happy with the way things are?”

  Summer looked up into space, thinking about it, before answering me. “I don’t know, really. When I’ve hung out with her, she seemed upbeat, not complaining much about the Amish. Really, I don’t know how she’s doing it. I’ve dressed up in Suzanna’s frocks for fun, and it’s awful. And, let me tell you, keeping your hair up beneath one of those caps all day is torturous.”

  “That’s the thing that boggles me. Rose is a lot like you. She hates being told what to do, and she loves her freedom. So what the hell is with her?” I said.”It’s all about love. Rose and Noah have it bad. Guess we’ll have to wait and see if it’s enough to keep them together.”

  I drove extra slow on the way home, trying to stretch out every second with Summer. I’d never enjoyed being around a girl as much as I did with her. Once she let go of her bulldog mentality, she was bubbly and sweet. And behind that country talk, she was smart.

  I was disappointed when she pointed out her double-wide house, and I pulled in, turning the engine off.

  She controlled a grin as she looked at me quizzically, probably wondering why I’d cut the engine when she was supposed to be getting out and going on her merry way.

  My eyes briefly surveyed Summer’s home. She lived a pretty blue-collar existence as far as I could tell; the cheap-looking porch jutting out from the front door and the damaged trampoline and old junk cars as landscape said her mom wasn’t overly concerned with appearances.

  And, in the course of a few seconds, I’d counted four scary-looking pit mixes slinking around. The fact that they weren’t barking signaled to me that they were used to company—and I didn’t like that thought at all. My heart racing, I realized that I didn’t want to leave Summer there. I wanted to bring her home with me. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  When I finally turned to her, I was struck with how much she needed me—even though she didn’t know it yet.

  “Well...uh, thanks for the ride—and dinner, too.” She opened the door, about to leave me, but I wasn’t ready for her to go yet.

  I reached out and grasped her arm, pulling her back in. “Wait. Ah, I was wondering if you’d like me to pick you up in the morning. You’re not really out of the way or anything.”

  I waited, not breathing.

  “Hmm, I don’t know, Sam. My mamma might not like that.” She was thinking about it, though, which was a start.

  I let go of her, feeling that she wasn’t about to leap away, and took my phone out.

  “Why don’t you ask your mom and I’ll call you about it later.”

  It was better that I got her number, rather than the other way around. She might never call me back.

  She smiled. “Okay.”

  She told me her number, and I was extra careful, not wanting to get it wrong. Then she did slip out the door. I hated that I didn’t have another reason to stop her. The cool air sneaked into the cab before she got the door shut, making her exit even more dramatic in my mind.

  I watched her walk slowly to the house, the dogs lacing around her legs. She took her time to pat each one. I got the impression that she was in no hurry to enter her little redneck abode, either.

  As I drove away I was satisfied that I was well on my way to making Summer my girlfriend. I also couldn’t help but smile when I remembered how sweet it sounded when she said my name.

  17

  Noah

  I paused, balancing on the balls of my feet while I looked out from the scaffolding. My leg was still sore, but I had the brace off and that’s all that mattered. I loved these warm autumn afternoons when the mornings were crisp, but by noon, the sun was up high, blazing in the sky, forcing me to shed the jacket.

  Wiping the sweat from my forehead with the handkerchief, I wondered where Rose was. When I’d called her the day before to invite her to the frolic that was being held by the community to fix up the house that Jacob and Katie were moving into I could hear her excitement clearly, even on the phone. I smiled, thinking about how the past few weeks had gone. Our Sunday evening courting had seemed to settle Rose and had also given us the opportunity to learn more about each other. The other times that we’d been together, we’d always been on edge and in a hurry. Now, every week we had several hours of alone time to talk and even get a little of the touching in that we weren’t supposed to be doing.

  Even up here surrounded by the sound of hammering and the voices of a dozen other Amish men, I still blushed, thinking about Rose’s soft and willing body. Shaking my head, I tried to fling the images from my mind so I could focus on what I was doing.

  “Are you feeling all right, son?”

  Father was working beside me. I think he mistook the pleasurable feelings I was experiencing for pain.

  “Never better,” I answered honestly.

  Father took a swig from his bottle of water, and said, “Courting Rose has suited you well, hasn’t it?” I glanced at Father and saw a knowing smile on his lips.

  Father had discussed at length all the feelings that I’d be experiencing now that I was spending more time with Rose. He had warned me that God had reserved the pleasures of a woman for the wedding bed, and I’d best remember it. He’d also told me that if I were to cross the line with Rose before we’d said our marriage vows to the Church, I would be defiling her.

  I didn’t quite see the last part the way he did. After all, if I was the only man who claimed her, then I certainly couldn’t defile her for myself.

  “Yes, Father.” I looked at him, and for some reason I wanted to talk to him about Rose...and things. “I love her more each day and...”

  I sighed, not knowing how much I should say, but deciding that I was a grown man now, I hoped Father would treat me as such. “I’m finding it more difficult to...stay chaste. I feel as if she belongs to me, that we’re already committed to one another.” I breathed out, glad to have spoken my heart to Father.

  Father nodded and looked off toward the field, where dried-up cornstalks were bristling against each other in the stiff breeze. “I remember well how it was with your Ma and me. I could barely keep my hands off her. Remember it like it was yesterday, I do.”

  “How did you restrain yourself?”

  He shook his head and laughed. “When it got too bad, we moved our wedding date up a month.” Then he became serious again. “Have you and Rose talked about the marriage yet?” He almost hesitated when he said it, and I wondered what his worry was.

  His question poked me a bit. I’d tried to pin Rose down on the day that we’d take our vows, but she kept avoiding the conversation altogether. She’d also been complaining a lot lately about the work she had to do at the Hershbergers. I was seriously worried that she was getting ready to bolt.

  “I don’t know if Rose is ready for marriage so soon.” I
spoke low, not wanting the men who were working on a nearby section of the roof to hear.

  Father nodded slowly, thinking he understood what was going on but missing the point entirely.

  “You must be patient with her, son. Some women take a while to open up to the idea of a physical relationship with a man. Women are not made like us. They don’t find the pleasure in the bed that we do. But, Rose is very young, only seventeen, right?”

  I nodded. “Within a few months, she’ll be itching to marry you. Besides, you hardly have enough money set aside to start a family proper anyhow.”

  “You’re right.”

  Father went back to work, and so did I, only I was so immersed in my thoughts about Rose that I wasn’t accomplishing much quickly. Father was so off about Rose. The problem with my girl was that she wanted me as badly as I wanted her. And I didn’t believe that Rose wouldn’t enjoy the act of lovemaking. She had given every indication that that part of marriage would suit her just fine. What put my stomach in knots was worrying that she would drag the courtship on to a point that I couldn’t resist her any longer.

  Jacob’s loud voice brought me back to the frolic. “Noah, look who’s arrived.”

  Jacob pointed to the buggy coming up the driveway. I could see James and Ruth clearly, and I caught a glimpse of Rose in the backseat.

  I climbed down the ladder, saying, “I guess it’s time for a break, guys.”

  “You’ve worked harder than you ought, still recovering and all. Why don’t you take the afternoon off and spend some time with Rose.” Jacob patted me on the back as he scooted up the ladder taking my place beside Father.

  Father said, “Ah, don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Jacob.” He winked down at me, and Jacob looked confused.

  “Did I miss something?” Jacob asked.

  “No, Jacob. Get back to work and don’t be sparing your thoughts for me. Only a week to go and you’ll have a bride of your own to move into this glorified shack with.”

  Several of the men laughed as I walked away, Father’s voice being the loudest.

  I leaned against the oak tree beside the walkway while Rose went with Ruth to take a couple of casseroles into the kitchen for the workers’ supper. I knew Rose wouldn’t keep me waiting long—the excited smile she’d flashed at me as she passed by had told me that much.

  When she did come out the door minutes later, Katie was beside her, and I got the feeling that they were talking about Jacob and Katie’s wedding. Maybe some of Katie’s enthusiasm would wear off on Rose. I hoped so, anyway.

  A few steps before they reached me, Katie smiled and veered off to the front of the house. Thank you, Katie. I grinned to myself, pleased with how intelligent my soon-to-be sister-in-law was.

  Rose looked beautiful, as usual, in a sky-blue dress, a few stray strands of her wonderful rich brown hair swirling around her face. I ached inside to reach out and pull her into my arms, but I behaved myself and smiled instead, nodding for her to join me as we walked into the backyard. I’d already scoped the lay of the land while I was waiting and had picked out at good site for a private conversation.

  We walked in silence, I slowing my long legs so she could keep up easily, but it was difficult since all I wanted to do was rush her to the secluded grassy spot alongside the trickling creek.

  When we finally arrived, I took my jacket off and laid it down for her to sit on, which she did, dropping down in a very unladylike movement. I glanced around to make sure that everyone was gathered on the front and far side of the house before settling down a few inches from her. I didn’t think we’d get in any trouble, as long as we kept our hands to ourselves.

  “This was a great idea,” Rose said in a hushed tone, tilting her chin up sideways in an inviting gesture.

  I looked down at the measly flow of water for a second to get my head on straight again. Would she always have the ability to turn my brain off with a glance?

  Risking the look back, I said, “I wish you wouldn’t do that to me.”

  “What?” she asked innocently. I knew full well she was aware of her charms.

  “Be a good girl. Bishop Lambright is probably peeking around the corner of the house.”

  I grinned when Rose swiveled, searching for spies.

  She turned back to me with a small frown on her lips. “I thought that since we’re officially courting, they’d lighten up.”

  “In some ways they do, and in other ways, they pay more attention.” I leaned in a little closer, but still a safe distance. I watched her pouty mouth tighten in concentration, and I wondered what she was thinking about.

  “So what were you and Katie talking about?” I ventured.

  “She’s excited about the wedding next week.” Rose stretched out her legs and leaned back, raising her face to the sunlight. “She was apologizing for not asking me to be one of the servers. Seems that she had everyone picked at about the time I went to live with the Hershbergers.” She paused, looking back at me, and went on, “I think it had a lot to do with her dad—and her sister.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. But this way, you can experience the entire wedding without having to work half the day.”

  She sighed. “I don’t care about it. But do you think Ella is always going to have it in for me?”

  I thought for a few seconds and answered honestly. “Yes, but the longer you’re with us, the less likely that she can cause trouble.”

  “So you think she still can?”

  “No, not really—maybe you can try to be friends with her,” I suggested, not surprised by her response.

  She snorted and said, “No way. Sorry, you know I love you, but I’m not going to work at mending the fences with that girl.”

  “I understand,” I said, itching to take her hand into mine, but looking around again, deciding against it. There were too many people around.

  “So how long will this take today?” she asked, looking back at the driveway as another buggy arrived.

  “Reckon we’ll go ’til dark since we got so many men to work today.”

  “And...this is called a frolic?” She laughed when I nodded and said, “When I hear that word I picture people dancing in a flowery meadow.”

  “You know better now, don’t you?” I said—just listening to her voice made my stomach go tight.

  The warm sun soaking into my skin and the sound of rustling leaves in the trees relaxed me and made me brave. “Have you thought anymore about a springtime wedding?” I asked quietly.

  Rose stared off into the fields, not looking at me as she answered. “I think we’re kind of young still.”

  I swayed closer to her and said in a whisper, “So, how long do you want to wait?”

  She turned back to me and smiled, nearly taking my breath away. “Not forever. Let’s enjoy ourselves for a while first.”

  “That didn’t come close to answering my question.” I was becoming frustrated with her.

  She sighed. “How about after I’m eighteen?”

  “You’re only turning seventeen in a month.” I continued to stare at her. “That’s a long time to wait for us to be together.”

  “But we are together,” she said quietly.

  “You know what I mean. It’s going to get harder and harder to be around each other without...you know, sleeping together.” I tried to hold her eyes, but she looked in the direction of the house again.

  “And you would never think of doing it before we’re married, right?” She kept her eyes away from me.

  At that moment, I didn’t care if anyone saw; I took her hand and held it low to the ground. “You know how I feel about it. I want to do this the right way. If we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, anyway, what does it matter if we marry in a few months or in a year?” I desperately wanted to convince her, but I felt her pulling away and it scared the hell out of me.

  She turned back, studying me for a few seconds before she asked, “What do you think about all the rules we’ll have t
o live by?”

  I wasn’t expecting that and didn’t exactly understand where she was heading. “What are you talking about?” I hoped the edginess I was feeling didn’t make it to my voice.

  She sighed deeply and began lightly trailing her finger over my wrist. The feeling was amazing, partially distracting me from her words but unfortunately, not entirely.

  “I’ve been thinking about how we’ll never be able to walk down the street holding hands...or...dance together.”

  My chest tightened, and worry began to seep through me. “Are you having second thoughts about being Amish? ’Cause it’s a little late now.”

  Quickly she moved in closer to me and said, “No, that’s not what I mean. It’s just that, life is so much more difficult than it has to be for us.” She rolled her eyes at the same time she huffed a breath of air out her mouth. “Just the other day, after I’d spent three hours doing the laundry, I managed to rip my maroon dress in the ringer. It took me another hour to repair the damage. And, I miss wearing my riding boots....” Her eyes settled on me, and after a few seconds of silence, she said in a whisper, “Don’t you ever question this Ordnung thing?”

  “You took a vow to follow the Ordnung of our community. You agreed to our faith and beliefs. Now you’re questioning it?” I was becoming angry with her, even though a part of me understood how she felt.

  “Sorry—I didn’t mean to stir things up. I just wanted to talk about it, that’s all.” She pulled her hand away and wiped the back of it against her nose and sniffed.

  Losing her grasp sent me into a tailspin. More than anything in the world I wanted Rose, and the thought, even the smallest hint, that she’d not remain Amish and spend the rest of her life with me made me so afraid. Without thinking, I covered the inches to her and put my lips against hers. The sigh that came from her mouth into mine erased the fear and replaced it with a boiling desire.

  My mouth moved on hers in perfect rhythm, our tongues playing a game meant only for us. As long as I had her captive in my arms I didn’t worry about her leaving me. I knew that she couldn’t, because she was as obsessed with me as I was with her.