Nikki's Heart

by Nona j. Moss

  I hung up the phone, shaking my head. I couldn’t believe she had even suggested that. Did she really believe I’d go for that?

  Cody was dropping me off at my dad’s house when she called again.

  “Nikki, where are you?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

  “Mom, I’m at my dad’s house. I told you that earlier.”

  “I keep hearing noises. I think someone is in the house.”

  “Damn, Mom, no one is in the house. You’re just hearing things and freaking yourself out.” I was too mad to be concerned.

  “There is Nikki.”

  I sighed, pushing back frustrated tears. “I’ll just come home, okay?”

  “Oh would you?” She sounded suspiciously happy. “I’m really sorry; I know you’re trying to spend time with your dad and everything.”

  “Yeah, right.” I hung up.

  Mandi was waiting up for me. Thankfully she didn’t ask any questions. I just told her I had to go home; I didn’t go into detail. I could tell she was annoyed, but so was I.

  Cody insisted on coming in Mom’s house with me, even though we both knew no one was in there. He searched the whole house and, of course, came up empty.

  My mom was on the couch passed out when we walked in. She was sprawled out and snoring loudly. Cody shook his head in disgust. “I can take you back to your dad’s house.”

  I sighed. “It’s no use. She’s just going to keep calling until she gets me home anyway. I might as well stay here.” And that’s all I have done all weekend. Sit around watching my mother perfect the art of being drunk. And believe me, she has.

  February 2

  I was jerked out of a deep sleep at four o’clock this morning by a blood-chilling scream. I jumped out of bed and ran out of my bedroom. The scream came from my mother’s room. I burst through her door without thinking about who might be in there. It was a stupid thing to do; if someone had been in there I could have been hurt.

  My mom was sitting in the middle of her bed, with her knees pulled up to her chin. She looked petrified.

  “Watch out, Nikki!” She shrieked when I walked in.

  I spun around; certain someone was behind the door. No one was there. There was nothing in the room besides us.

  “Nikki, get away from that thing!” Mom cried.

  “What, Mom?”

  “That snake.” She pointed towards my feet. I froze, ready to dive for the bed if I had to. I do not like snakes at all. I looked down. There was no snake.

  “Move real slow, Nikki, and it probably won’t even see you.”

  I was staring at my mom with my mouth hanging open. “What are you talking about, Mom? There’s no snake down here.”

  “How can you not see that? It’s huge.” She was shaking badly. “It’s right there.”

  I was starting to freak out. She was dead serious. There was no snake at my feet, though. In spite of being scared to death, I got on my hands and knees and peeked under the bed. Other than a few dust bunnies, there was nothing there.

  “Oh my God, Nikki, get up!” my mother screamed. “Get up, get away from that thing!”

  I walked over to her. “Mom, listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but there is no snake in this room. I even looked under the bed.”

  She looked at me with the face of a frightened child. “I can see it, though. I can see it right there.”

  How could she see something that wasn’t there? What is wrong with her? Has she finally just gone off the deep end? I had to sit on her bed, literally holding her hand, until she went back to sleep. She would not believe there was no snake in the room. When she was finally out, I went back to bed. There would be no more sleep for me, though. How could I sleep not knowing what else her overactive imagination might conjure up next? I have never in my life experienced anything so completely terrifying.

  February 5

  I went out with Cody tonight, and I ‘accidentally’ left my cell phone on my dresser. It was the most peaceful night I have had in forever. I even forgot about my mother for a little while.

  I almost had Cody drop me off at my dad’s house, but I didn’t have any clothes and stuff. And it was after eleven when we got here. It was way too late to show up over there.

  Mom wasn’t home when I came in, and she didn’t leave a note. When I checked my phone, there were fourteen missed calls, all of them from her. She didn’t leave any messages, though, which is better than fourteen messages right? I’m glad I ‘forgot’ my phone.

  February 6

  Cody spent the whole day teaching me how to drive. It was so much fun! He couldn’t believe I never even got my driving permit or that no one has taken me out driving before.

  We went to his housing edition, and he had me drive all around it. I think I did pretty well, at least I didn’t run anything over.

  I don’t know why I haven’t learned to drive before now. I am going to try and get my license soon, and maybe my parents will help me get a car. It would sure be lot easier than asking for rides all of the time.

  Don’t get your hopes up, Nikki, that way you won’t be disappointed in the end.

  February 9

  It happened again.

  I was out with Cody, getting another driving lesson today. When I got home I found my mom sitting on the couch. She was holding a glass of rum and Coke, and she was talking. She stopped when she saw me, and she stood up.

  “Nikki, I’m glad you’re home. Look who stopped in for a visit.” She gestured toward the chair, and I noticed how bad her hands were shaking. “It’s my mom.”

  My mouth fell open. The chair was empty, thank goodness, because my grandma has been dead since I was six years old.

  My mother was still talking to me, but I wasn’t listening. She went back to the couch, and sat down, sloshing rum and Coke on her jeans. She talked away, like I wasn’t even in the room.

  My head was spinning, and my stomach was rolling. I was very close to pushing that panic button. For a few minutes, I couldn’t even move. I could only stand there, staring at my mother. She didn’t even notice me.

  I hadn’t mentioned the snake incident to anyone. I guess I had tried to convince myself it was all a crazy nightmare or something. Do crazy nightmares come back, though? I knew at that moment, something was seriously wrong. I knew I would have to tell someone; I could not handle this one on my own.

  Of course, that someone was Cody. I explained everything to him as best as I could. I was almost afraid he would think I was the one losing it. Especially when I told him she was in the living room, talking to her dead mother. He told me to lock myself in my bedroom and wait for him to call me back.

  I sat in my room, trying to concentrate on my homework. I could still hear her talking, though, and it was making me extremely uncomfortable. I was more than a little afraid, more like downright petrified. More than anything though, I felt helpless. I am not used to feeling helpless. I don’t like feeling that way, either.

  I waited forever for Cody to call me back. I was getting worried after an hour and a half. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t calling; he said he would. I couldn’t believe he would leave me hiding in my room all night, either.

  I had the phone in my hand ready to dial his number when I heard a car pull in the driveway. I got to the window in time to see Cody and Trish climbing out of the car. My heart stopped beating. Why did he bring his mother?

  “Nikki, we’ve got to talk,” Cody said as soon as I opened the door.

  Thankfully my mom was no longer in the living room. I could hear her in the kitchen, though. I snuck Cody and Trish to my bedroom as fast as possible.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I locked the door.

  “We know what’s wrong with your mom,” Trish answered. “And frankly, we’re not convinced you’re safe here.”

  “When you told me what was going on, I got on the Internet,” Cody explained. “I found something that sounds just like what is happening to your mom. It’s called delirium tre
mens, or DTs. It means your mom is at the point where she has withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol. The symptoms are tremors and hallucinations.”

  My eyes were wide. I remembered how her hands were shaking a little while ago. “You mean she really is seeing things?”

  “If she is really having DTs, then yes, she really believed she was talking to her mother,” Trish said.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered. “What am I going to do?”

  “Maybe you should consider moving out for a while,” Cody suggested.

  “I can’t leave her here talking to dead people!”

  “You can’t stay here and encourage her to talk to dead people, either,” Trish said softly.

  “I’m not sure she could handle life alone.”

  “Maybe it would give her a reason to sober up,” Cody suggested.

  “Maybe,” I said. “But what if it killed her instead?”

  Trish put her arm around my shoulder. “What if she hurts you, Nikki? She’s not just a danger to herself, you’re in danger, too.”

  I rushed Cody and Trish back out of the house. My mother would have a coronary if she realized Mandi’s best friend was in her house. And she wouldn’t need many more rum and Cokes before she forgot about her mother and came after me.

  I promised Cody and Trish I would think about getting out of here for a while. I also had to promise to sleep with my bedroom door locked and not to run out if my mom screams in the middle of the night. A difficult task, to say the least.

  February 10

  I finally went to bed around one o’clock this morning. I spent two hours doing nothing but pacing the floor. It wasn’t a very productive way to spend the night. Trish’s words echoed over and over in my head.

  “What if she hurts you, Nikki?”

  “She’s not just a danger to herself, you’re in danger, too.”

  “You’re in danger, too.”

  I am spending the weekend with my Dad and Mandi. I need some time to work everything out. It’s all up to me now.

  February 12

  It was hell getting out of the house last night. I really thought Mom and I would end up in a fistfight. She was drunk, and she was not interested in anything I had to say. She even threatened to ground me.

  Ground me from my dad’s house? Can she even do that?

  I finally just walked out when Mandi pulled into the driveway. I prayed all the way to Mandi’s van that she wouldn’t come after me. She was in a mean mood, and lately I don’t put anything past her.

  I have turned my cell phone off. I left it on my bed while I had dinner and played with Jaren and Jena. My mom had called seventeen times.

  I made a date with Mandi for lunch tomorrow. I am going to ask her about moving in here. I want to make sure she is okay with it before I ask my dad. She is the one who runs the house, after all.

  February 13

  I got the okay from Mandi. Well actually it was more than an okay. She is very excited about it. She said she has been waiting a long time for me to ask that.

  I told her my mom has been drinking too much, and it is making me uncomfortable. I didn’t mention the DTs, how could I? You just don’t go round telling everyone your mom is seeing dead people.

  Mandi being the way she is, though, didn’t need any explanations. She just believes I am making the right decisions and offers to help if she can.

  We talked to Dad after we put the twins to bed tonight. He said I am welcome to stay as long as I want. He also said if my mom had any problems with it, he would take care of it.

  I hope it doesn’t come down to that.

  February 18

  It has been a whirlwind of a week around here. I can’t believe I haven’t even had time to write in here.

  I went to Mom’s Monday afternoon and packed some of my things. Mom was there, and of course she was drunk. I didn’t want to cause a scene, so I had to be sneaky. It took me almost an hour to get to my room. I played her stupid game and pretended I was happy to be home. If I had acted any other way, it would have caused a fight.

  When I finally made it to my room, I packed as fast as possible. I couldn’t lock the door, because that would make her suspicious. Instead, I kept one ear pointed toward the door at all times. I was prepared to stuff my suitcase under the bed if she came down the hall.

  Thankfully I didn’t get caught. She ended up passing out around eight o’clock. I called Cody and slipped out of my bedroom window. When he got there, I was sitting on my suitcases in the driveway.

  Mom called Tuesday night on my cell phone. She was beyond furious when I told her I was staying with Dad for a while. She ranted and raved, moaned and groaned, and finally told me I wasn’t allowed to go back. Then she hung up on me.

  She called me every day this week. One minute she wants me to move back in, and the next minute she wants me to get the rest of my stuff out of her house.

  I told her I wouldn’t be back until she got help. That really ticked her off. She said I was being a selfish little bitch and hung up the phone. I don’t care what she calls me, though; I can’t live with her like that anymore.

  Trish was right; I’m not safe over there. What would I do if my mom totally wigged out on me? Who would be there to help me? She could probably seriously hurt me when she is drunk.

  I guess the big question is whether this will work or not. Will she sober up because she wants me to come home? Or will she end up hurting herself? I am afraid to guess.

  I am afraid of a lot of things lately. I am afraid to turn my phone off, but at the same time I am afraid when it rings. I am worried that if I fall asleep, someone will wake me up and tell me my mother is dead. I am also worried no one will be able to find me if something does happen.

  I thought it would be much easier here. I thought would be able to sleep at night. I was so sure I would get my life back.

  I was so wrong.

  February 23

  Mandi has decided it’s time for me to get my driver’s license. She even has my dad looking for cars. She said I would be happier if I could drive myself around. She is taking me on Friday, and I have been pouring over the driver’s manual.

  I have to give Mandi credit; she really does try to make things easier for me. Sometimes it feels like she can see right through me. Sometimes I feel really connected to her.

  “Not a lot of people know this,” she told me one night. “My dad was an alcoholic. He was pretty mean, too—drunk or sober. He would put us in the basement if we were bad. He also liked to put duct tape on our mouths if he thought we were talking too much.”

  “No way!” I was horrified. “Did you take it off?”

  “Once. He smacked me so hard, he split my lip. Then he put the tape back on, right over the cut. He had this board that he put our names on, which he used to spank us.”

  “What did your mom do when he did that?” How horrible that must have been.

  “She usually just stood there and watched him. She never once tried to stop him. I think that was the worst part. She never defended us.”

  “Where are they now?” I asked. I have never even heard Mandi mention her parents before. No wonder.

  “I don’t know. They split up when I was eighteen, and I haven’t seen either of them since. As far as I know, my mother doesn’t even know she’s a grandma.”

  “Wow.”

  No wonder we connect. No wonder Mandi has such a huge heart and level head.

  February 25

  I am now a licensed driver. I never dreamed this day would come! I drove around all night in Cody’s car, and it was so much fun!

  Mandi made me a cake to celebrate. And Dad promised to get me a car soon. They were both very proud of me; it was almost overwhelming.

  I tried to call my mom, but she didn’t answer the phone. Would she be happy for me anyway? Why do dark thoughts always bring me down?

  March 1

  Mom called today and asked me to spend the weekend with her. She said she would not touch a drop of al
cohol all weekend. Is it working? Is she going to stop drinking so she can have me home? I don’t want to get my hopes up. Not yet.

  March 3

  Mom is in bad shape. She has the shakes so bad, it seems to consume her whole body. She hasn’t been drinking today, and I think she is having withdrawal. She has been lying on the couch since I got here, and she can barely get up.

  I am scared.

  Mandi made me promise to call if anything went wrong. Maybe I should call her. I am afraid to leave my mom alone right now.

  I am really scared.

  Later ... 3 a.m.

  Mom is seeing things again. She was convinced there were spiders all over the floor. I actually had to get out the bug spray to calm her down. She has sweat so much that her hair is plastered in clumps on her forehead. I went to the bathroom to get her a cold washcloth, and when I came back she was drinking rum straight from the bottle.

  I am calling Mandi as soon as it gets light outside. I won’t be sleeping; I am too afraid to close my eyes.

  March 4

  I am safely back at my dad’s house. What a nightmare that was. I can’t believe I even went over there. What was I thinking? That’s just it, I wasn’t thinking. I was ready to believe anything she said. I was so sure she was ready for me to come home. Well guess what? I’m not going that route again.

  March 6

  I got my progress report today, and my grades are dropping for the first time in my life. I actually got my first C. I am going to have to work harder to bring them back up.

  March 9

  Can you believe it? My mother actually asked me to spend the weekend there again. She acted like we had a wonderful time last weekend. She never even mentioned the mess she was in. How convenient for her to forget. I made up excuses to get out of it, but I know she didn’t believe me. I feel bad, but on the other hand, I was really afraid last weekend.

  You know what really bothers me? If that is what she’s like when she doesn’t have alcohol, how will we ever get her to stop drinking? Will quitting kill her? If that’s the case, she’s going to die anyway. Doesn’t she realize this? Doesn’t she know she has a problem?