Underside of Courage (Beautifully Disturbed Series Book 2)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  There’s a reaction, though I’m not sure if it’s the one I want. Maybe I’ve already screwed things up between us too badly.

  “You don’t want me to?”

  “No. I mean, yes. But I want to find your friend Elle right now. Holy shit, Col. Exclusively? You won’t see anyone else?”

  “I haven’t been with anyone else since Thanksgiving. I took off Christmas and then I met you.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “Can you say anything else?”

  “Holy fucking shit.”

  ***

  Three days later…

  “Hey.” Kip’s eyes get bright when I open the door to him standing there with the wind and snow swirling around outside, generally making our lives miserable.

  “Hey,” he returns, shivering. At least he’s wearing a hat and gloves today. About time.

  He looks happy to see me, so then why is this so awkward? Oh, that’s right. Because the weight of our relationship rests on Elle’s shoulders since I lack the balls to admit I want him for my boyfriend whether she approves of him or not.

  “Come in.” I tug on his jacket to pull him in through the door, then peck a quick kiss to his frozen cheek as he passes by.

  I love how innocent he keeps us, not shoving his tongue down my throat or groping me as soon as he enters the house. They’ve all done it, to the point I ceased to be an actual human in their eyes. Just something to fuck with. Of course, it’s not anything I’d admit to out loud, but Kip gives that breath of fresh air I wouldn’t allow myself to admit I’ve needed. He’s initiated kisses. He’s initiated holding me. What he hasn’t done is ask to stay the night again. And I haven’t asked either.

  I’m looking forward to him meeting Elle. I know she’ll like him, everyone who meets Kip likes him, so I’m not worried about that. But he knows I’m using her as the means to keep us apart. Like as long as we have Elle’s impression of him waiting between us, I can keep us from making us legit. Making us an us. He deserves better. We both know it. So then why am I always so scared to give in and give better?

  I have no answer for that.

  None.

  Just that it has to fall on Elle’s shoulders because I made Kip a promise. And using Elle is my only way to ensure I won’t back out from that promise. Elle approves of him, he’s my boyfriend. Boom! Done. I wish I could explain it all to him, but I don’t want him to know what a coward I am. What a head case he’s mixed himself up with.

  And losing him would hurt so much more if we’re sleeping together, and I mean actually sleeping, sleeping together. Just that one night on New Year’s messed me up. Him treating me so well. So tender and attentive. Every time I think about Kip walking away from me, a hard lump forms in my throat. I don’t want to imagine how bad it will get when he is, when we are sleeping, sleeping together. And he will be, we will be. No doubt about that.

  I’m fucked.

  “You want to catch a movie with me?” I ask before he even reaches the sofa.

  Am I asking him on another date?

  “Collin Pratt asking me out on a date? You mean, in public?”

  I guess I am. And before the meeting with Elle? Did I not just two seconds ago convince myself as to why waiting for the meeting with Elle is the best idea? But I put it out there. No taking it back now.

  “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

  “I’m down.” He watches me a beat, then asks, “Are you gonna get your coat?”

  ***

  “Not the theater I’d thought we’d be hitting tonight. An arthouse Col? Do you not like me?”

  “It’s for one of my lit classes. We’re reading the book. We have to discuss how noir translates from the page to the screen.”

  “Awe, hell.” Kip huffs out his exasperation. “At least tell me it’s in English.”

  My eyes dart away, devilish smirk spreading over my face. Not my fault he answered yes to a movie date before he asked what movie. Played my advantage. Can’t blame a guy for that.

  “You’re kidding me?”

  I have no response. He’s suckered into three hours of subtitles.

  “You’re going to owe me big time.”

  Kip won’t stay mad for long. Even being here for a class, the fact is, I asked him to join me. We’re on my very first not a party with friends date ever. Ever. Andrew and I couldn’t date like a real couple. Not without the whole town, and worse, his parents finding out. We only went out with Ben as our chaperone. To keep us from doing something stupid. Like holding hands.

  I lead us to the middle of the aisle, holding my bucket of popcorn and soda, and Kip with his popcorn, soda and chocolate covered raisins to dump in the bucket of corn.

  “It’s all about the salty sweet combination,” he’d told me. Just like Kip. Though, I’ve yet to see his salty side. He drops down in a seat in the middle of the row.

  Being the gentleman his mama apparently raised him to be, Kip takes the bucket and drink out of my arms without me having to ask, for me to shrug out of my coat. And careful not to spill our drinks or popcorn, I drop down in the seat next to him.

  We sit there in our seats while the other movie goers situate themselves around us. And then it hits me out of the blue, what I’ve done. Plopped down next to Kip.

  Panic rips through me. My palms sweating. My blood pressure spikes. What if someone sees us? What if the wrong someone sees us?

  I know what happens when the wrong someone sees, and spring from the seat, immediately dropping my coat on the seat just vacated. Several heads turn to watch me. Yes, I’m aware that my chair springing brought on more looks than Kip and I sitting next to each other otherwise would have. But I can’t be bothered with that.

  Though, the way Kip eyes me. With hurt eyes. I think maybe I should have tried to hold it together a little better.

  “Real date my ass,” he murmurs while I drop down into the seat next to the one holding my coat.

  Well there you go. Kip’s salty side.

  He’s right, of course. Real dates don’t put empty chairs between them.

  As disappointing as our situation has turned, he lets me have my play. What else can he do?

  I reach my hands out to take his food, his soda in the cup holder built in to the arm of the chair, and watch him shrug out of his coat.

  When I open my mouth to defend myself, it’s with an excuse he doesn’t want to hear. Kip shushes me under the dimming lights.

  We hit about fifteen minutes in and I have to admit, watching Kip, even watching Kip watch the movie has more entertainment value than the actual movie. Reaching the kernel layer of his bucket, he sets it on the sticky floor and drops his empty hand to rest on top of the coats between us.

  His hand only rests there a few beats when the coats move from under his hand, startling him, so I can link our fingers together.

  Covert.

  It’s the only way I can think of to salvage the date.

  My head stays looking straight ahead. My eyes dart to look over at the man secretly holding my hand. His head stays straight ahead, his eyes hold mine.

  Even if my mouth stays silent, I beg him. Using my eyes holding his, beg him. “Please let this be enough for now.”

  The look he returns to me, levels on me really, tells me he’s unsure about being my dirty little public secret. He follows it up with a better one, one which says clearly he’s not ready to end us yet, either.

  I let loose a relieved, if not somewhat disappointed in myself, breath.

  “All right,” He mutters, squeezing my hand tighter under the coats. Then he turns his full attention back to the screen, acting as if he’s never been more interested in a movie in his life.

  Chapter 8

  Collin

  We fooled around some more after the movie. He stayed with me, still there just talking when Ben came home from Errol’s. But, again, Kip didn’t sleep over.

  He didn’t ask.

  How he always knows what I need, it’s one of the myriad of things to scare me about Ki
p. We’re still so new, not even an us yet. My doing, of course. Yet, he knows me.

  And I know that he’s been getting antsy. Not because he tells me or acts annoyed with me, more the way his kisses have become more aggressive, until he has to force himself off of me, ripping his lips from mine. It’s usually then he leaves for the night, leaving me turned on and kicking myself for not manning up and taking what we both want.

  Kip’s aggressive kisses aren’t meant to dominate me. They’re his reminder of what I could have more of if I just say the word, and what I’ll be giving up if I’m stupid enough to let him go.

  He’s been annoyed too. The Elle meeting kept getting pushed back.

  Not my doing.

  She’s been avoiding us for a couple of days now, not returning texts or phone calls. Ever since a jackass none of us likes, none of us has ever liked, started shit with her at our Wednesday night watering hole, Rounders. And after having such a successful night in our writers group.

  A tradition we started back in our fake ID days to let loose once a week. Our critiquing workshop, or group, can get ugly. Or triumphant. This past Wednesday, Elle triumphed. So much she even flirted with Ben. Until the jackass, Callum is his name, threw a drink on her and she went into hiding. Callum could have ruined it for them. Though, Ben’s tenacious and has a plan. And now that we know where she is, I’m taking Kip to meet her.

  I wait for him in the Doran Building by the front doors. T minus five minutes for the meet with Elle. That deep chuckle of his resonates through the hallway before I see him. I’d woken up this morning in a great mood, ready to give Kip what he deserves.

  As my day has worn on, I’m not so sure any longer. A pretty hefty case of nerves has been eating away at my insides. Sitting through two lit classes, where I’m able to zone out of the lecture and concentrate on nothing else but the meet, can do that to a man.

  He rounds the corner, that angelic face and bright Kip smile smack me in the heart in a way that causes me to stumble back a step. Two people are with him, a guy and a girl, and they’re laughing along with him.

  It’s when he moves his eyes from the group, searching, for me. When our eyes lock, his smile goes megawatt, and it’s only for me.

  The guy with him follows Kip’s gaze, landing on me. His eyes widen, just for a second, as if seeing me surprises him, but he clamps his surprise down pretty quickly, throwing a genuine chin lift my way.

  The girl, her gaze solely and longingly on Kip, she catches the other guy’s chin lift, and I know she does because she follows his gaze. The grin she’d been wearing drops as her head twists between Kip looking at me and me looking at Kip. No chin lift thrown my way.

  I think someone’s fantasy derailed.

  That’s right, sweetheart. Keep walking.

  Kip shifts the group to do exactly what I thought the girl should do, and keep walking, but his shift takes them directly to me.

  My feet and brain finally kick on for me to meet them halfway. Kip raises his hand like he’s about to touch me, pull me to his side, some claiming move, and for some damn reason I flinch. In one smooth move he readjusts the trajectory of his hand to slide his backpack further up his shoulder.

  “Guys, this is Collin.” He goes into a round of introductions. “Col, these are my teammates from Gregory’s class. Britney.” He uses his whole hand to point to the girl. Then he turns to do the same with the guy. “And Hart.”

  We all give our nice to meet yous. Well Hart and I do. Britney glares at me.

  “I didn’t think you had Gregory’s class today.” That’s what tumbles out of my mouth next, accusatory, like I’m some jealous lover.

  The megawatt smile calmed back down to his normal Kip smile, he drops his eyes to my mouth, then brings them back up for maximum eye contact.

  “We don’t,” he says, pointedly. And that’s apparently as much as he’s going to give me on the subject. “All right guys,” He continues. “Call me, we’ll set something up… ”

  Although Kip keeps talking, my attention to his words drifts off. I take him in, Kip with his classmates, his teammates, he’s different with them than he is with me. Comfortable, yet not too comfortable.

  Professional.

  And it hits me, this is Kip in his environment.

  I’ve seen him working his magic in the writing center countless times. But Kip in his environment, confident in a way I know he’ll succeed wherever life leads him after college.

  I’m proud of him even if it’s not my place. Maybe after the meet, it’ll be my place.

  “You coming?”

  He catches me off guard. His friends have already left us and he’s holding the door open for me. We step back out into the cold walking side by side. Both of us sliding on our sunglasses to guard against the blinding winter sunlight made worse by reflecting off the snow.

  His arm brushes against mine and I feel that zing shoot through me.

  We catch Elle sitting on a bench in the frozen courtyard, by herself. Reading. It’s February. There’s snow on the ground and it’s literally freezing outside, and there she sits reading. I don’t know what to do with that girl.

  She squirms when she finally notices our approach.

  “Wow, she’s a looker. No wonder Benton is so smitten.” Kip leans in to tell me, his lips brushing against the sensitive skin under my ear when he talks.

  “She’s so much more, Kip. She really is. And maybe one day she’ll actually believe it.”

  “Maybe want to turn that mirror on yourself?”

  Once we reach her, I simply pretend I never heard his last comment. It’s now or never and never can’t happen. I don’t want bad blood when so much rides on her approval of him. She’d never approve if we show up bickering.

  What would I do if she somehow doesn’t approve of him, would I actually walk away? I’ve gone back and forth on this so many times.

  Okay. Wow. Shit.

  Go back to my life before Kip? Before he changed me so fundamentally? That thought makes me nauseous.

  Yeah, easier to pretend I never heard his last comment.

  “Elle, you look like someone shot your dog, revived it and then shot it again for shits and giggles.”

  It’s a look like she can’t believe I found her. Her look for Kip, well, that’s nothing short of priceless.

  Ben and I have always kept our sex lives separate from our friends’ lives. Those hookups were temporary. Why bother introducing someone who won’t be around tomorrow? But meeting the first man to ever get the friend introduction, that’s not what has her so dumbfounded. I know she’s in love with Ben, yet her eyes on Kip, I’m not sure she remembers there is a Ben.

  Kip seizes the opportunity to introduce himself, holding out his hand to her.

  She cocks her eyebrow at me, before taking his hand to shake, cutest little smirk showing. Elle is absolutely on board. Which is one of the too numerous to list out reasons why I love her.

  “Kip Daniels.”

  “You’re gorgeous.” It slips out, and from the look on her face, unintentionally. “I mean, I’m Elle. Dinninger,” she corrects herself right away. The red on her cheeks warring between embarrassment and swoon.

  “Thank you. And I know. I’ve been waiting to meet you. The elusive Elle Dinninger.”

  She darts her eyes away as if uncomfortable with his description. Thing is, he’s not wrong. Elusive fits.

  I pull off my sunglasses to look at her, my left eye has a cut above it and the whole thing is totally black and blue. Someone, I think Callum’s best friend Tim, landed a good punch Wednesday night.

  “I’d hate to see the other guy,” she teases, pointing to the bruise.

  “You won’t be seeing him for a while.” Not sure any of us will, the way he went running with his tail between his legs. He should’ve known better than to start with our girl. Me, Ben, Errol, we’re big guys and we’ll always have her back. Now, though, we have more pressing issues to discuss. “Why have you been hiding from us?” />
  “I haven’t been—you’re right. I’ve been hiding.”

  “Sabrina said you won’t answer her calls, and you haven’t returned a damn text I’ve sent.”

  “Does he hate me?” The way she hangs her head, my heart drops. Talking about the way she left things with Ben Wednesday after the fight, the reason Ben and I had words the night Kip broke in to defend me.

  Now Kip’s here with me. And she’s the reason he is.

  Back to her question, we all know the answer.

  “Hate you? Elle, he could never hate you. Is he hurt? Sure. But Ben’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.”

  “So you came here to make me feel even worse?”

  “You asked. I came here for you to meet Kip.” And I can’t believe I just put it out there like that.

  “He said if I pass the Elle Dinninger test then we could date.” Kip juts his thumb to point at me, then shoves both his hands in his pockets, only to yank them out again, crossing them over his chest like he’s not sure what to do with them, with himself.

  We’ve put so much pressure on their meeting, too much pressure. The two of us, we’re a jumble of raw nerves disguised as men waiting on the word from a woman one of us already knows has no bearing on how we’ll proceed. I wish I knew which one of us.

  Her head snaps up. “Date?” Elle asks. “As in an ongoing thing?”

  “Don’t sound so shocked. It happens.”

  “Not for you. Or for Benton. There must be something in the water at your apartment.”

  “Well things might be changing for him as well. So the water must be purified now.”

  “Wow. He met his Ms. Right, then?” She pauses a minute, collecting her thoughts. “Good for him,” she finishes.

  Like I remotely believe she’d be happy with that. For Ben to end up with someone else?

  I know she knows that I don’t believe her.

  In the brief seconds between us, I nod to show her I’m giving her that play and am willing to move on.

  She closes her eyes, exhales, opens her eyes again and snatches up my willingness to move on by moving on.

  “So Kip,” she starts, turning her attention to the man at my side. “What’s your major?”