Underside of Courage (Beautifully Disturbed Series Book 2)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  “No. Can’t afford it. You know how expensive out of state tuition is. But they had all my nieces and nephews call.”

  “Healthy dose of Catholic guilt.”

  “Yeah, and when that didn’t work, they had Tessa facetime me. The little girl’s not just my niece, she’s my goddaughter. It’s hard to tell her no. Even at Christmas when nobody else got a present, she did.”

  “Not true. She’s not the only one.”

  Leave it to Collin to bring that up. Thing is, I want to be there. No matter how glad I am to be here, I do miss being a part of the Daniels’ chaos.

  He moves so that he sits behind me, the insides of his thighs touching the outsides of mine. From there he buries his chin in the crook of my neck. It’s comfortable, like he’s cocooning me.

  When I turn to kiss his cheek he nips at my collarbone. “Can’t pretend I’m not glad you’re here with me instead.” His answer comes at me truthful, at least.

  “We better get dressed.” I tell him after a long exhale. “I’ve got work in an hour.”

  “What time do you work tomorrow?”

  “Short shift, only eight to ten. Lord bless Marlon for giving me a short shift on a Friday morning. Do you work tomorrow?”

  “Nope.” He shakes his head, then gives my shoulder one more quick peck.

  Chapter 22

  Collin

  Kip’s shift ended about five minutes ago. He has no idea that I’m here. Our bags are packed. The tank is full. Maybe a stop off for some coffee, and we can be on our way. Excited doesn’t cover how I feel being able to give him what he can’t give himself. Some major finagling took place to change our work schedules around and keep it secret. Our boss isn’t known to be the best secret keeper.

  When that beautiful, angelic face steps outside he’s wearing his sexy smile, the one showing all his teeth. It must have been a good day. Some days are like that, when you feel like you really helped someone. He doesn’t see me, swiping his fingers through a thick layer of bangs so he can see. A nice day out, if not a bit windy. Students funnel in and out of the building around him, but my eyes stay fixed on my man.

  As he steps up to the crosswalk, I roll to a stop and roll down my window. “Need a ride?” I ask, innocently.

  He arches an eyebrow at me. “Not that I’m complaining, but I did drive here.”

  “Yes, but you’d be heading home now.”

  “Where should I be heading?”

  “Get in, and I’ll tell you.”

  He doesn’t argue, slipping in the front seat and securing his seatbelt in place. “Fine,” he asks, “Where are we headed?”

  Easing back onto the road, I bring him to me with a quick kiss to his lips before answering. “Illinois.”

  The way he lights up, he looks at me like I’m some sort of superhero, makes any expense monetary or not worth the cost. Not often a man gets to do a good deed for a man as worthy as Kip.

  “H—how? I have work tomorrow. You have work tomorrow.”

  “Nope. I spent all morning selling my soul to Marlon. We have the weekend cleared. Just be prepared for some extra shifts once we get back.”

  He stares at me for about five minutes, open mouthed, without saying a word.

  “Thank you, Col,” finally falls past his lips. They might have only been three little words, but the way he said them fills my heart to the point of bursting. Three words. More than enough payback.

  City traffic moves swiftly bearing in mind the time of day, but one onramp later picks us up considerably once we’re speed racing along the interstate. During the drive, I listen to the radio but have to turn the volume way up to drown out the hum of the tires rolling against the blacktop. He has his phone out, quietly answering some class related emails. Comfortable comes to mind. And I’m able to let go, forget myself for a while.

  We don’t stop to eat until we’ve passed out of Indiana into Illinois.

  Steak ‘n Shake, the first place we come to. I start for the drive thru but Kip wants to get out and stretch his legs. Since the weekend is for him, his wish is my command. I mean, no one has to know we’re together.

  Until Kip rounds the car, taking my hand.

  He’s not trying to be in your face or prove a point, he just likes to hold my hand. But there’s no stopping the sense of déjà vu from hitting full force or the need to look over both shoulders for some asshole to come charging at us. No one does. Even with all the people around, none of them pays us any attention.

  Still cautious, although I tone down the intensity for his sake, Kip and I continue inside and take a spot in line. His hand moves from holding mine, sliding up my arm to rest on my back as he turns to ask me what I want to eat. For a second I think about stepping away. For Kip, I don’t. The guy behind the counter already saw us together. He saw Kip slide his hand and smiles at us anyway. “What can I get you today?” he asks, normal voice like he really doesn’t care that Kip is holding me.

  We order and take our table number, finding a seat by the window.

  “Thank you,” he says. “I know touching in public is still hard for you.”

  Don’t couples normally touch each other? Thing is, I went into a restaurant with him holding my hand. He shouldn’t have to thank me for that. How much have I let him down if he thinks he has to? The food arrives, saving me from having to answer to myself, though the tough questions I’d prefer to never deal with.

  “Can’t wait to see my little Tessa. She’s a hoot. You’ll love her Col. Wish we had more time, not that I’m complaining. There are just a few places I’d like to show you before we leave.” Kip keeps the conversation going for the both of us. His excitement over going home is almost palpable. The way his eyes dart between my mouth and the food on my tray, mentally dissecting how many more bites for me to finish.

  “… to see my dad.” What is he saying about his dad? “This summer… ”

  Summer? Shit. The food in my gut turns sour.

  He’ll go home to Illinois for the summer. I’ll be stuck in Michigan, and he’ll go home for the summer because really, what incentive have I given him to stay? You’re my boyfriend, but you can’t act like my boyfriend.

  “Col, you’re staring off like you’re about to have a seizure. What’s wrong, baby?”

  It hits me, he’s talking to me. “Uh…nothing.”

  “That look’s not nothing.”

  “I like sleeping next to you. I like seeing your face every day. I like being able to talk with you about stupid shit.”

  “Yeah… I like that, too.”

  “What happens at the end of the semester? Your family will want you home.”

  “Hey…” He pats my hand, calming my nerves with the simple touch. “I’m a grown man and make my own decisions. I decide what’s best for me.”

  It feels like I can breathe again.

  “Okay.” I hate sounding so weak. There will come a time when my weakness, my cowardice will get the better of us. The inevitable, just an ugly word away.

  At the end of the meal, I clear all our trash away with Kip following close behind me. We walk back to the car, and I let him hold my hand. Yeah, it still scares the crap out of me, but he has to know I’m trying here. Staving off the inevitable at least for a little while longer.

  “You want me to drive the rest of the way?” He offers. “It’ll make it easier since I know where I’m going.”

  The thought of letting someone else drive my car makes me nervous. But as he isn’t just someone, I fish the keys out of my pocket to hand them over without overthinking my actions for once.

  How his fingers linger, maybe a shade longer than necessary when he takes the keys, that and the way he’s gifted me another one of his angelic smiles, says everything, which makes me feel fucking awesome knowing I made the right decision, again, for once.

  We’re on the road for another two hours.

  As we roll into town, Kip shifts in the seat, excitement radiating off him in waves. Even with all the time we’ve
spent together, this is not a side of the man I’ve had the chance to see before. Happy, sad, nervous, brooding, but excited just hadn’t come into play until now. And it’s an incredible sight.

  Corner after corner, he moves us through the city passing by strip malls and fast food chains, into residential neighborhoods until turning onto a tree lined cul-du-sac. No buds have grown from the branches yet, but I bet the place looks magical in late spring, early summer with all the blooms and leaves filling in. I bet it was a magical place to grow up.

  Kip turns into the driveway of the house at the very back of the circle of the cul-du-sac cutting the engine. The front door cracks open, and the woman from his pictures, the woman with his face, steps out onto the covered porch, squinting like she’s trying to place the car which she never will. Hesitant to come forward.

  When he opens the door, face beaming, and climbs out, his mother’s face lights up star gone supernova. “Kippy!” She shouts. “Kippy… my Kippy!”

  He throws a ‘don’t you dare’ look over his shoulder while I sit snickering still in the front seat. She runs down the stairs, throwing herself at him, which he catches her easily.

  “Hey, Ma. I’ve missed you.”

  Tears stream down her cheeks while she peppers his cheeks with kisses.

  “Oh my baby boy… how? Whose car?”

  My cue to step out and introduce myself.

  I walk around to them, Kip reaches his arm out catching the belt loop on my jeans, pulling me closer. I have to fight the urge to puke on the poor woman’s shoes.

  “Ma,” he says, still smiling, still holding us both close. “My boyfriend, Collin. He knew how much I wanted to be here this weekend and surprised me.”

  His mother drops her arms from Kip, turning to me. “Collin. You don’t know what it means to me.” Then she actually hugs me. The woman pulls me in for a hug, and I stiffen because not many people have hugged me in my life.

  “Thank you,” she says. “I am so glad to meet you. Kayna told me you two have talked. His father is going to be… ”

  What I hear is livid, pissed, disgusted, or disappointed. That’s how all fathers feel about finding out about me. But she’s still smiling, still holding me close. Kip still holds me close. And I realize she hasn’t said one of those descriptors.

  I realize what she actually said is, “his father is going to be ecstatic to finally meet you. We haven’t met anyone Kip has dated since Jake.”

  “That’s because I haven’t dated anyone seriously since Jake.” Kip drapes his arm around her shoulders, while still holding on to me at my waist.

  “Look at you two causing an old woman to cry.” She wipes at her face.

  “You aren’t an old woman, Ma.”

  Problem is, I’ve made a lot of women cry. Too many. Just never because they were happy to see me, happy to meet me. A first. And it’s all thanks to the man standing next to me. He made this milestone possible.

  “Come, come in the house before Mrs. Marquez sees us and comes outside. She’ll talk our ears off, and I’m too selfish to share you right now, Kippy.”

  “Mother! Can you at least pretend I’m a grown man while I’m here with Col? My name’s not Kippy.”

  “You’re name will always be Kippy. Even when you and your delicious man are bringing my grandbabies home to visit.”

  “Ma? Christ!” It’s hard to stifle the laugh with his face turning five shades of crimson.

  “Kip Daniels, your mouth.”

  As inappropriate as it is, when she says his mouth, my eyes find his mouth and I begin to mentally picture all the things he’s capable of with said mouth.

  It doesn’t actually bother me that she’s planning our lives out, though. Scares the crap out of me because I know I’m not good enough for him, that I’ll never be good enough for him. But knowing that his mother doesn’t object yet…

  We follow her inside the house.

  Chapter 23

  Kip

  Collin’s reaction walking into the house is hard to place. Almost like it’s not what he expected mixed with a healthy dose of should I even be here now? Ma has the house looking exactly as it did the day I left last summer. The predictability, the fact that I can count on it not to change is what makes it so appealing. That and the people. My family is fantastic.

  Just as expected Col takes in all the pictures hanging in groups on the wood paneled walls and lining every flat surface from the side-tables to the fireplace mantel. With a family our size, there’s a lot of pictures to be had. He studies every one, too. Like taking in a fine piece of art at an exhibit or museum. My whole life displayed here for his viewing pleasure. He smiles more at some than at others. The ones where he smiles, those blue eyes of his twinkle, actually twinkle with what? Happiness, amusement? Whatever it is, he doesn’t show that twinkle near enough, and I’m so damn glad to see it here now.

  Whether he can say it back or not, whether he feels it or not, I love him.

  Nothing matches in the house. Ma’s decorating style could be described as bohemian eclectic. Everything is as bold and loud and colorful as the family occupying the space the stuff surrounds. From bazaars to secondhand stores to garage sales, my mom never shops retail. Not her style. Kip, she’d always say. New has no life in it. You want the well-used. You want the story. Now that I think of it, maybe she meant that for people as well. Although they all really liked Jake, accepted Jake, when he and I broke up, I was pretty devastated. But Ma, she said, he was never the one for the long haul. He had no story. Which makes me wonder if she sees something in Collin. He definitely has a story. I wonder if she sees it.

  She stands by a chair, bold flower pattern looking straight out of the late nineteen sixties. All browns, oranges and lime greens. Flowers combined with geometrics. Loud. Bold. Colorful. Everything my mom is.

  “What do you think of my newest acquisition?” She asks.

  “It fits. I knew in my head that it had to be new, but fits so well I had to think about it for a second.”

  “Then I’m doing my job. Ten dollars.”

  “Wow,” Col says, more out loud than I think he meant to.

  Ma turns to him. “Right? When I found it I told Kip’s dad that if I had to leave the chair behind, I’d be leaving him behind along with it.”

  We all laugh, the gut-busting variety, because I’m sure Col’s wondering if she actually said it, I have no doubt that she did, and Ma is remembering the exact moment.

  “So what are your first impressions, Collin?”

  I stiffen. I hate that she puts him on the spot.

  Collin doesn’t handle on the spot so well.

  But he surprises me. “It’s so warm. I’ve never been in a home with so much warmth and personality. Makes me understand Kip a little better for it.”

  “Kip, I like your young man.” Then she turns to Collin. “I think you, sir, are a keeper.”

  “Oh my god, no pressure on him or anything.” I argue. But like anytime I say something she doesn’t want to hear, I am completely ignored.

  “I hope so… ” he whispers, though. And I know my mother heard it, too. It’s a sad sort of response, which garners a sad sort of look between she and I, which thankfully she doesn’t press about. That’s one of the best things about her, my mom just knows when to press and when to let it slide.

  “Well… ” Mom finally speaks. “Let me show you to Kip’s old room. His bed is only a full, but I’m guessing you two don’t mind sleeping close.”

  “You… you’re letting us share a room?”

  “Oh, well I just assumed… I’m not trying to rush things or… ”

  And it’s my turn to laugh at the both of them again. “Yes Ma, we sleep close every night. He’s just… he’s not use to parents accepting it.”

  At that my wonderful mother looks downright pissed off.

  “Well,” she starts. “In this house, we accept everyone. Even your sister Gina’s boyfriend. Which, when you meet him you’ll remember what a kind, pa
tient woman I really am.”

  Oh lordy, not sure I want to meet Gina’s boyfriend now. They started dating before I left, but well, I’d been away at State before that. Seeing as he’s the baby daddy, I guess we have no choice.

  It’s been so long since I’ve been home, close to a year now, part of me feels out of place. I know Kay will go out of her ever-loving mind when she sees me, although she came to stay with me last summer for a week, and my parents visited for two. But I had a few classes that didn’t transfer which I had to catch up on during the spring/summer semesters to keep me on track for graduation.

  Everything looks exactly as I left it when I left for State the summer after I graduated from high school. Exactly as I left it when I came home summer after freshman year. But it doesn’t feel mine anymore. If my mom cleared the whole place out to put in a yoga room, it wouldn’t really bother me. Col’s shirts aren’t hanging in the closet next to mine. There’s no dip in the pillow on his side of the bed. It’s all wrong. Only now that he’ll be staying in here with me does it even begin to feel right again. Mine again.

  Collin, on the other hand, seems to enjoy taking in all the reminders of teen Kip. Band posters, my skate board still leaning against the wall in the corner, and he pays close attention to the corkboard hanging on the wall above my computer desk with all the pictures of me and my school friends tacked to it.

  “Is that Jake?” he asks as he points at a picture. “He’s in most of these.”

  It’s a little funny taking in my current boyfriend looking at pictures of my ex. He must have a thought or opinion on how I ended up falling for two men who are so different. Whereas Collin is tall, powerfully strong body. Soft, light blond hair and pale blue eyes. Col’s my vision of Adonis. Jake was and remains something else. Handsome in his own way, but shorter than me by four inches or so, and he’s Mexican-American, which means bronze skin, deep brown eyes and coarse, dark almost to the point of black hair. On the outside they couldn’t be more different.

  “Yeah, that’s Jake.” I finally answer. “You have to understand, we started out as friends before we started dating. So… ”