Underside of Courage (Beautifully Disturbed Series Book 2)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  He understands without asking the question I know he wants to ask.

  That’s done.

  Done.

  Done.

  Done.

  Right when I need her, my phone lights up in my hand. Kayna calling. Thank god!

  “Kip?” she asks when I swipe to answer. She says it before the phone even hits my ear so all I actually hear is, “ip?”

  My throat feels tight. Too tight to talk, so it takes a couple tries at clearing it before I can answer her, “Here Kay… I’m here.”

  “What’s wrong? I felt it. I was watching TV with my roommate Kimmy when I felt it. What happened?”

  “It’s over.”

  She gasps. Shock.

  “I… what? You two seemed so tight. He brought you home. How? Why?”

  “He hates himself, Kay. He hates who he is, what he is. I don’t. Not just myself, but him. He can’t… he can’t cope with anyone loving him because he refuses to love himself. I’ve tried, god, I’ve tried so hard to get him to see what I see. What his friends see. It just… I can’t do it anymore.” My voice grows thick again. “I can’t keep trying when he won’t.”

  “Oh, Kip… ”

  “What do I do, Kay? It hurts worse than breaking up with Jake, and we were together for years. But I can’t live my life like that. What do I do?”

  “I don’t know… ” she whispers. We both stay silent several beats before her turn to clear her throat comes due then she says, with more confidence, “I’m coming out next weekend.”

  “No Kay, you can’t. You have school. Just… I’ll be fine.”

  “I know you will because I’m coming next weekend to make sure you are.”

  “Kay—no.”

  “Listen baby brother—”

  I cut her off, “We’re the same age.”

  “I’m older by two minutes, which makes you my baby brother. So as the older sibling, I’m telling you that I am coming out next weekend, and I’ll skip as many classes as I have to to get you back to good… So long as the days I skip don’t equal more than a week. I haven’t missed a class yet, so it’s cool. But we don’t want to risk it. What if I catch the flu or something?”

  That’s my sister. “Thanks Kay.”

  “Anytime, babe. Love you.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  ***

  As I sit in a booth on the wall nearest the restrooms in The Brew, my eyes of their own accord dart periodically over to the table at the back now occupied by Elle, Benton, Sabrina and Errol. They’d walked through the door twelve minutes ago. That’s how bad seeing them hurts. That I can admit to myself clocking the group walking in twelve minutes, wait, now thirteen minutes ago.

  At least the universe doesn’t hate me enough to have had Col show up yet. But if they’re here, it won’t be long until he does. It’s Monday. I know his schedule.

  We’re going to have to coexist. Grand Harbor is my school, too and I like The Brew. I like the coffee and the atmosphere. Maybe though…maybe it’s too soon to see him seeing as we just broke up yesterday, and I’m not ready for the rest of the GHU campus see me completely break down and or make a complete fool of myself. No, maybe that’s best left for Tuesday. With that thought dancing around my head, I hurriedly begin to pack up, shoving books and papers inside my backpack while hoping like hell none of them have clocked me yet.

  “Going somewhere?” Shit. Thanks a lot universe. Elle slides her hand over the table to hold mine.

  “I didn’t see you slide in.”

  “Know you didn’t. You were too busy trying to avoid us.”

  “Listen—”

  “I know,” she cuts me off. “Col was a wreck when we got home last night. And by wreck, I mean Ben and I had to make a stop at the home store for new coffee mugs, two new lamps and three new picture frames. And let’s just say, they’re not getting the security deposit back. Not with the fist sized hole in the drywall of his bedroom. So… ”

  “So what?”

  “We gonna talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “Kip, you’re our friend, too. Ben has Collin. That means I’ve got Kip duty. So brace friend, I’m in your business until I know you’re gonna be fine. And then I’m in your business to make sure you keep being fine. It’s how we do.”

  “You’re his.”

  “Yep. I am. And I’m yours, too. I’ll deal with that. What I won’t deal with, what I can’t deal with is losing you. Don’t worry, I won’t push any agenda. I’m here strictly in a Kip capacity. And if you need testosterone, I’ll understand. Errol says you’re too ridiculously hot to sit alone. He’ll be happy to be ridiculously hot alongside you.”

  “Listen Elle, I just don’t think… ”

  She points her finger at me. “Listen yourself Daniels. This is happening. So get that tight, fine booty of yours up and walk it over to our table before I call Errol over to pick you up. I can’t guarantee where he’ll put his hands to do it, which might get a little uncomfortable.”

  How can I refuse such an invitation?

  “Fine,” I grouse, while admittedly picking up my backpack to join the rest of the group at their table as ordered. “You really think my booty’s fine?”

  “Puh-lease, I’d still consider that sex change if I thought I stood a shot. And I’m head over heels in love with Ben.”

  As we move toward the back of the store, Elle grabs my hand pulling me along as if she’s afraid I’ll do an about face before she can catch me.

  Sabrina is the first to look up from their conversation to speak to us.

  “Hey Elle, you brought me a present.” Exactly like she said the first time I’d met her. Only then I’d been with Col.

  Errol narrows his eyes on Bri and then at me. “Sorry Kip, you have to sit next to Benton. You’re just too hot. You drive me to distraction. Anyone else here find him distracting?”

  “I find him distracting… ” Sabrina waggles her eyebrows at me suggestively.

  Ben laughs and pulls at my jacket. “Sit,” he orders.

  I do and Elle slides in next to me. But seeing as he can’t seem to keep his hands off her, slinging his arm around the back of the booth behind me to coil strands of her hair around his finger, and seeing as I’m newly broken up and heartbroken and a gay dude with a fine man’s arm slung across the booth behind my back no matter that he does it to coil strands of his girl’s hair around his finger, we have to switch spots.

  So I tell her, “We have to switch spots.” To which, everyone laughs. Elle slides out of the booth letting me slide out, then she slides back in next to her man so I get the edge of the seat. Now Benton can and does sling his arm around his girl, and all is right with the world.

  Until Errol looks over to the coffee counter.

  Until we all look over to the coffee counter where Collin saunters in our direction with another man sauntering way too close to his shoulder for only having broken up with me yesterday, along with him.

  “Hey Col. Hey… dude with Col,” Errol calls out, tipping up his chin to each man as they make their approach.

  Elle goes stiff next to me and Ben whisper-yells, “What the fuck is he doing here with Bradley?”

  Bradley.

  I know that name. He was the stalker who talked his way into Collin’s room at Christmas. He’s the reason Col ended up calling me in the first place. He’s hooking up with Bradley? Again? Already?

  I can’t be here.

  I look him in the eye, then turn to the rest of the table, and back to him as the blood rushes from my face making me lightheaded.

  “I can’t be here,” rushes from my mouth.

  And that’s it. He knows how he hurt me. He knew it yesterday, so there’s no point trying to disguise the pain now. Before the ere sound in “here” leaves my mouth completely, my backpack’s in hand and I push past the men in a brisk walk to escape them.

  Chapter 26

  Collin

  Ben pins me with his disapproving glare, the one he’s perf
ected so well over the years.

  Elle looks at me stunned as well as disappointed.

  Both Bri and Errol remain expressionless, which thank you universe for that.

  “I didn’t know he’d be here,” I tell Ben, specifically. “We ran into each other in the parking lot.” I point between Bradley and myself, then I turn to Bradley. “I told you this was a mistake.”

  “Come on Collin, my fuck boy extraordinaire. Can’t tell you how much I’ve missed that tight ass. I’ll make you forget him.”

  “Really?” I turn back to Ben while taking a giant step away from the asshole. “You’re gonna say that shit in front of my friends?”

  Kip would’ve never said that shit, not in front of my people. Not in front of anybody.

  “You need to go,” Ben says to Bradley. Ben who has never been rude to anyone at GHU so long as we’ve been here just dismissed Bradley. Things might be worse than I thought.

  Elle scoots over for me, so I can sit.

  Bradley takes that as his hint to leave, mumbling under his breath. “When you’re ready, you know where to find me.”

  ***

  Three hours later…

  When I walk into work, part of me braces because I know Kip and I have the same shift today. Part of me wants to see him again, if he’s okay after that clusterfuck of a run in at The Brew. When I look around, he’s not in yet. It takes me a beat to get my feet moving, almost as if they’re waiting for him to materialize. My brain takes back control, so I don’t look like a complete idiot and propels me to the back room to hang up my coat and clock in.

  I’m surprised he hasn’t at least walked in when I head out to greet my first tutoring client for the day. I’m surprised until Marlon catches my eye and slowly shakes his head. Then I know. He switched schedules. The bastard went and switched schedules so he wouldn’t have to see me.

  Fuck.

  He’s not the bastard, I am.

  What did I expect from him?

  ***

  Week and a half later…

  I figured it would happen. We go to the same school. But even figuring it would happen never prepared me for the actual happening.

  Seeing him.

  Seeing Kip stand outside Science East talking to a couple of girls, probably classmates, enjoying a lively conversation on a beautiful day. And aren’t they the lucky ones to be seen talking to him.

  I’ve never known a man to fill out a pair of jeans as well as him. And his short deep gray pea coat open revealing a wine colored thermal Henley, must be new because I’ve never seen it before. It looks hot on him, flattering color, and I can see the definition of his chest lightly outlined through it from the wind. His bangs which would normally fall over his forehead have been caught, blowing away from his angelic face by that same wind. God, I just want to run up and kiss the shit out of him.

  When the girls move away Kip’s head tips up as if he can feel my eyes on him. He turns in my direction but doesn’t look at me, he looks through me—through me—as if I’m not standing here staring at him like the asshole that I apparently am. Even still, my body stays planted to the spot until he moves toward the parking lot where his ugly brown Camry is parked. Only then do I walk to the doors of the building to head to my class.

  ***

  Five hours later…

  Everyone’s packing up. It’s been another successful group but I’m thankful it’s done for the week just the same. I haven’t been able to put a damn word down in a word document to save my life. At least nothing that doesn’t sound like shit or make me sound like some lovesick fool. I’m more than grateful today wasn’t my critique day.

  Ben, Elle, Errol and Sabrina stay behind, Ben brings his hand to my shoulder. “Hey we’re all heading down to Rounders now. You’re coming.”

  “You know…I’m not really in the mood to go out,” I tell him honestly.

  “Bump that. It’s done, you’re still breathing, brother. You’re coming out with us because it’s what we do,” he counters.

  “Not taking no,” Errol chimes in.

  And with the looks the two women shoot me, I’m headed to Rounders because they are not taking no.

  ***

  “What the fuck you doing back here faggot? Spreadin’ your disease? Too bad you weren’t smart enough to get away as fast as whatever asshole you were with.”

  Making out with that guy by the dumpster was undoubtedly the wrong decision, but the guy was just passing through town and I just wanted to know what it felt like for once to not be different. I just wanted a little of what everyone else had.

  “You like it on your knees?” And before I process his words there’s a sharp pain in my gut from where he sucker punches me at the same time someone else sweeps my feet out from under me, landing me hard on my knees.

  “Come on cocksucker. Get up!”

  I couldn’t get up if I wanted to. I can’t even catch my breath.

  “I said get the fuck up!” His spit hits my face while he screams down at me as his fist hits my jaw. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me, but my life doesn’t flash before my eyes like people say it does. No, it’s as if everything comes at me in slow motion giving me enough time to anticipate the pain and experience it. A double whammy. But if they move in slow motion my body moves in slower motion keeping me from blocking the attack, even as I fall backward, my head cracking against the cement. Even against the continuous kicks to my lungs, my ribs, my cheek.

  Someone stomps down hard on my gut right as his boot cracks against my nose…

  Covered in sweat again.

  The third night in a row.

  Every night the same dream.

  Ben’s experimentation came with a slap on the back from his old man complete with a ‘that’s my boy’ look while his mother screamed her shocked admonishment of, “Benton!”

  I know. I’d seen it. We weren’t friends then. We’d never even spoken. But one of the guys on the football team had a secret admirer, and hiding under the bleachers seemed the safest place to admire. Little did I know Ben picked that time to get to know Lacy Janowski, head JV cheerleader, under those same bleachers.

  They never saw me, but I sure saw them. I watched, too. Wanted so badly to be turned on by those perky C-cups. But as he held her up against the support post, the way his back muscles worked under his T-shirt, the way his butt cheeks clenched as he rubbed himself fully clothed against her cheerleading spankied crotch… I knew then it would never matter how many perky boobs flashed me, they did nothing for me. Not a phase like I’d hoped for the past few years.

  Shit!

  Once again, for the third night in a row, I wipe my hand down my face.

  “Fuck you, Kip!” I scream into my pillow. “Why couldn’t you have been an asshole?”

  Chapter 27

  Kip

  “Come on, Kip. Let’s go out and do something. It’s Saturday night,” my sister Kayna whines at me while tugging sharply on my arm.

  Damn, I forgot how strong she is. “Watch it, He-man! You’re gonna pull it from the socket. Last thing I need to cap off my shitty week is to spend the night in the ER.”

  “Don’t be such a baby. Now, why can’t we go out again?”

  “Kay, I appreciate you coming out, but honestly… I’m just not ready. What if I see him? It was bad enough seeing him walk in The Brew with that guy. I just can’t… ”

  “Well I can. So if you won’t leave the house, then we’re going to can the only other way I know how.” Kay’s brows draw tight together and then she sets it with a determined look on her face, the kind which says don’t bother fighting her because her need to help me trumps my need to fight. And as she dropped her life essentially to come out here to be with me, I don’t have the heart to say no.

  “What’re we doing?” I give in.

  Right, so my next devastating breakup I need to buck up the heart and emphatically say no.

  No. No. Not gonna happen.

  We all know the road to h
ell was paved with good intentions. And Kayna’s good intentions have landed me smack in the center of my own personal hell. Not that I haven’t been since the breakup with Col, but her good intensions cement it.

  Four hours into a movie marathon which started with The Notebook and has continued with the perennial favorite Beaches—yes, they have the same hands, I get it—Kay just sat back down, snuggling into my side, her head resting on my shoulder after coming back to my bed from the kitchen where she filled up my glass for the third time. Frozen margaritas.

  I flick the little umbrella out of the way and suck so hard on the straw I give myself an immediate brain freeze headache. And while pinching the bridge of my nose, I happen a glance down at the nightstand next to the bed where she has Terms of Endearment waiting next up and realize my sister has completely forgotten that I have a penis.

  “I can’t believe I’m lying on my bed with my sister watching Beaches, drinking a drink with an umbrella straw,” I mumble. “What my life has become, thank you Collin Pratt.” A humorless laugh follows.

  Kay kisses my cheek and squeezes my arm.

  Now I feel like a dick.

  “Thanks Kay,” I whisper.

  “Anytime babe,” she whispers back.

  Kay stayed with me for almost a week.

  If I ever see a frozen margarita again, I think I just might head to the top of the bell tower and start picking people off with an assault rifle. I had no idea how many wonderful flavors margaritas come in.

  Oh, but Kay knew. She knew how to prepare at least fifty flavors. We didn’t drink fifty flavors, but I think we probably got through nine or ten of them.

  The day she left, I dialed Hart to see if he wanted to work on the project. He and his girlfriend and their buddies were out on the town.

  Hart’s a class act, invited me out. If I couldn’t go out with Kayna, I sure couldn’t get myself to go out with an acquaintance and a group of people I didn’t know.