Bad for Business

by Ace Gray

  “Hey, calm down.” His voice was gentle when he finally sat up and kissed my shoulder. “I thought it would be easier if you didn’t have time to agonize over it.”

  “That’s not fair. You can’t make that decision for me!”

  Tears started to stream down my cheeks even though I was shouting at him. I scrambled out of bed, trying not to drown in the all-consuming panic. I whirled into my closet, anywhere to get some space. I couldn’t focus long enough to pick anything, let alone get dressed, so I stormed right back out. Nick had climbed out of bed and reached for me but I dodged his hands with every intention of barreling into the bathroom. When I zigzagged, my foot caught on my side table and I fell, my hands and knees crashing into the black tile of the bathroom floor.

  “Fuck!” My tears turned into wild, bone shaking sobs.

  “Kate.” Before I could really catch a breath, he was there, pulling me into his arms. I tried to push him away but his grip simply tightened. “Stop.” His voice stayed silky despite the warning. “Are you okay?”

  “Get away from me.”

  “Never.” His response was quiet but vehement.

  “You weren’t apologizing to me last night. You weren’t telling me I was special. You were distracting me!”

  I couldn’t stop my heart from racing or my chest from tightening. The sobs stopped but tears still ran constantly down my cheeks. He wiped them off gently and kept me tight in his lap. My world was collapsing around me, a speedy disintegration to dust, and I couldn’t find a foothold. Nothing had been resolved; nothing with Victor, nothing with Vesper. Not even the shit between the two of us. And then there was Trevor.

  Oh God!

  His name burnt my throat. I pushed hard against Nick and this time he let me go.

  “Look, Sweets, last night was to tell you how important you are. And it was incredible, I might add.” There was a menacing growl desperate to break through in his voice as he stood and pinned me to the doorframe. “And I’m sorry about keeping this from you. I made a bad choice.”

  He could’ve leaned in and kissed me, forcing my body to relax and me to bend to his will—I’m sure he wanted to—instead, he tentatively reached for my arm. I thought about yanking it away. When he saw I wasn’t going to, he turned my hand and pulled my palm to his lips. His eyes squeezed shut, and his kiss lingered on the inside of my hand.

  “Were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to have me get dressed?” My shoulders slumped even though my voice was still venomous.

  “Of course I was going to tell you. I was just waiting until the last possible minute. I thought it would be less painful that way.” He looked into my face, deeply serious. “That was my only motive, I swear. I’ve seen how devastated you’ve been and it kills me. Sometimes you have it together but I can tell it’s lurking. The switch flips and I see you freeze up or lose your breath. I was just trying to protect you.”

  I pursed my lips but I was done being angry. Hurt had filtered in instead. A deep, all-consuming, achy hurt. I rested my head against his chest and he let out a deep breath. His arms wrapped around my shoulders.

  “Are your hands and knees ok?”

  “They sting.”

  Nick’s deft fingers stroked my hair and I stayed curled against his chest. The way they moved against my skin told me he was looking for a way to soothe himself just as much as me. I looked up; sad, flat eyes met mine. In that moment, I remembered he was facing a funeral too.

  “I love you Nick.”

  He didn’t say anything as he wove his hand into my hair and pulled so my face tilted toward his. He kissed my lips deeply, passionately.

  As soon as he pulled away, cold settled back down deep into my bones. I couldn’t warm myself in the shower or in Nick’s arms. My hands trembled as I grabbed a black short-sleeve sheath dress that had a sheer V down the front. My knees wobbled when I added a black and gold studded bracelet and tall, black and gold cuffed heels. When I finally managed to stomach piping hot coffee and put on my collarless camel wool coat I still wasn’t thawed.

  Nick had on a perfectly tailored, simple black suit. I couldn’t even appreciate it. Outside the photographers were just a blur, like an abstract painting of a faceless crowd. They only succeeded in turning my slight tremble into a more noticeable one, and Nick’s hand wrapped tighter around mine.

  “Thank you.” I could barely murmur my throat was so tight. The way my mind was racing, I was surprised I even managed that.

  I’m to blame for all this.

  Nick noticed my thundering pulse when his hand shifted to my back to help me into the car.

  “It’s okay, Sweets. You aren’t alone.”

  When his voice wavered everything in me screamed console him! Without any thought, I spun and threw my arms around his neck. I let my fingers dance at the edges of his hairline, but holding him didn’t seem to ease his tension. Or the emotion welling up inside of me.

  I didn’t break my hold, not even as we tucked into the car. When we pulled up to one of his hotels, I wasn’t thinking clearly, I was barely in control of my actions, but this still registered as odd.

  “What are we…?” My voice trailed off when Ari slipped out of the front doors.

  “Hi guys.” Ari was somber as she slid in. “Can I come home yet?”

  My, “What,” got buried by Nick’s, “Not today.”

  Tears started back down my cheeks, sobs threatened to choke my throat. And it wasn’t just for Trevor this time.

  After what felt like an eternity, we parked in a lot next to a small, stone, New Jersey church at 12:54 p.m. My breath caught in my lungs all over again. My shallow, sipping gasps were the only sound from our somber group as we moved from the car toward the well-worn ash colored wooden door. Nick held me back discreetly and took my face between his hands to kiss me chastely.

  “I won’t let go, I promise. If you need anything, just ask.”

  He kissed my forehead then we started walking again. Before we even got to the door, my knuckles were bright white from how tightly I squeezed his hand. I somehow managed to grip even tighter when we reached the greeting line full of Trevor’s family. Tears spilled all over again as they introduced themselves. Nick fidgeted under my grasp but he didn’t complain. He simply took over speaking when I couldn’t manage to get out anything else.

  Trevor’s family was kind, far too kind, and overly concerned with my wellbeing. Every comforting word was another big, jagged knife being haphazardly shoved in my chest. It twisted each time someone said something sweet. I didn’t deserve any of it. I was here and their son, their world, was dead. I almost threw up when they told me they felt he died honorably.

  The entire service continued like that. Each time someone from Trevor’s life stood up and spoke, my insides lurched. Nick shifted from my hand to my shoulders and back again trying to pull me closer and comfort me without being inappropriate. When Trevor’s grief-stricken girlfriend came up and placed her hand on the casket bile rose in my throat.

  As soon as it was acceptable, I broke free of Nick’s hand and ran to the bathroom. I wretched over and over, feeling like everything—anything—needed to leave my body.

  Why him and not me?

  The blood that had been on my hands and the fear in Trevor’s eyes filled my senses as if it was all happening again. He’d been gasping and sputtering for breath, sprawled on the filthy sidewalk. That was no way to die. For anyone. Let alone someone who was beloved.

  I robbed him. I robbed them.

  I was shaking, gasping, sobbing, and God knows what else. I crumpled away from the toilet, hitting my head against the wall. My arms found their way to my sides and started clutching. There was a soft knock on the door and I knew without asking it was Nick.

  “Come in,” I croaked. He slipped in carefully and locked the door behind him. He slid down the wall beside me, gently m
oving my legs to cuddle up close.

  “Are you okay?” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me down so my head rested in his lap. I shook against the fine fabric of his suit while he absentmindedly played with my hair, not rushing me for an answer. I was trying to sort out what to say.

  For lack of something better, I settled on, “It should’ve been me.”

  “Kate, no.” Nick said, pain thick in his voice.

  If I hadn’t been so broken that tone would have forced me up to comfort him.

  “She hated me. She was out for me. The gun was pointed at my head,” I whimpered.

  “Exactly.” The word came out soft and scared, something Nick’s voice never was.

  “What do you mean exactly?” I turned to look up at him.

  “The gun was pointed at your head. If it was your time, don’t you think something would have compelled her to pull the trigger?”

  He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

  “I like to pretend but there’s nothing any of us could’ve done if she’d tackled you and shot. She could’ve had you in a body bag in a matter of seconds.” He gulped. “All the security in the world couldn’t have saved you if she had just pulled the trigger.” His voice wavered.

  Tears pooled watery in the corner of my eyes as Nick kept speaking. “I never believed in God growing up, too many shitty things happened to my family. I didn’t believe someone or something could be looking out for me. When you came into my life, I gave fate a little credit. When I held you in my arms after Ally attacked you, I finally believed in something bigger. I don’t know if it’s God, but something kept you alive. Something brought you back to me.”

  He sounded so broken that I had to push up and hold him. I gasped when I found tears running down his cheek. My hand moved automatically to wipe the streaks away.

  “Kate, you mean everything to me.” His voice cracked again.

  I’d never seen him cry. He was perhaps more beautiful now than he’d ever been. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him as close as possible to me. I would have pulled him all the way into my heart if I could.

  “You mean everything to me, too. I love you Nicholas Bryant.”

  Nick’s hands roamed up and down my back, his fingers tangling every once in a while with my hair. His lips tickled against my ear but nothing came out.

  “We should get back out there.”

  I stared at the pale wallpaper behind his back before finally nodding into his shoulder. He pushed me up to standing then followed. I rinsed my mouth out in the sink while he gently held my hair back. We both left the bathroom with an even tighter grip on each other.

  Appetizers and cocktails were served in the church’s reception hall, and I did my best to mingle. The nausea returned but I was able to keep it at bay by focusing on the feel of Nick. I didn’t know how long we were there, the world was blurry beyond him. I just knew how utterly defeated I was when we got back into the SUV. My eyes slammed shut and I collapsed against Nick when we started back toward Manhattan.

  “What happened?”

  Whispered hisses were breaking through my sleepy haze but my eyes wouldn’t open.

  “Nicholas, does it matter? I told you Terrence took care of it. He got her medical attention.”

  “Of course it matters.”

  Nick was growling. I knew his eyes would be steely to match.

  “Jaime, it’s my fault she’s in this position in the first place.”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s Christopher’s. And as long as I’m speaking freely, I think you’re picking the wrong girl.”

  Jaime’s temper had once again transformed his voice. The utterly foreign sound was what finally helped me pry my eyelids open.

  “There’s no choice to make,” Nick snarled as I yawned and went to stretch.

  Strong arms wound tightly around me, and when I fidgeted, Nick tightened his hold and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

  “Hey, Sweets.” His lips brushed against my skin. “I’m glad you’re up. We’re here.”

  I turned to look out my window and recognized the red brick of my building. A world weary sigh slipped from my lips as Jaime slid out to open the door. When he held out his hand to help me I noticed a downright painful frown marring his face. Nick shuffled out behind me, and I swore he wore a matching one in the car window reflection.

  Jaime growled, “Don’t do it, Nicholas,” as soon as I stepped past him.

  “Hold the car, Jaime. That’s an order,” Nick snapped then wrapped himself around me as if nothing happened.

  Between the guilt that hung heavy around my neck, the exhaustion that hurt my eyes, and the confusion that thoroughly settled into my bones, my mouth forgot to question anything about the heated exchange. I was a wreck; something was keeping me off kilter. And I had been since the accident.

  No, since meeting Bryant.

  A more apt description was someone was keeping me off kilter. And that someone pressed me up against my apartment door and kissed me fervently. He didn’t care that my back crashed against the surface or that our teeth clashed together. Our lips tangled but then Nick pulled away, leaving me still reaching for him.

  Now I was both literally and figuratively off balance.

  “Sweets, you mean everything to me. You know that right?” His hand came to cradle my cheek.

  I nodded and then continued digging blindly for my keys. When I unlocked the door and we crossed the threshold, the smallest, darkest whisper pulled me up short.

  “I can’t stay.”

  My world had seemingly crashed earlier but it turned out there was still more to shatter and disintegrate at my feet. I knew what he was implying, but I scrambled anyway.

  “I can change quickly and pack a bag.”

  “I have things to attend to personally.” His voice was still something unearthly.

  Mine had become something chilling as well. “I can make myself scarce. There’s no obligation to entertain me.” My stomach flipped knowing what was coming before he said it.

  “No.” His tone was off, but I couldn’t decipher it as panic crashed back into my chest.

  “What is going on?” My lip quivered. I’d turned into a broken record.

  “Nothing that concerns you.” His dark gray eyes wouldn’t even meet mine.

  “Everything about you concerns me.”

  “Not this. Never this.” His hand moved up and down on my arm.

  “You and Jaime have been having whispered conversations for days.” I gulped. “I know there is some girl and I know you two are fighting about her. Please tell me. Please.” I was trying not to sound as hurt as I felt. Hell, I was trying not to crumble to the floor.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He wasn’t doing a great job of covering up his inner turmoil. Nick ran his hand through my hair and let it settle at the back of my neck. He used his grip to pull me to his lips. I shoved at his chest, desperate to talk this out despite my world bottoming out. “I want to be with you, I always want to be with you. I just can’t tonight.”

  A salty droplet hit my lower lip, and I realized I’d started crying again. Gracelessly, Nick’s big hands came to my cheeks to wipe the trails away. I pushed on him again and he wrapped his hands around my neck and used his grip to pull my lips back for the briefest second. After only a chaste kiss, he turned.

  “Please, Nick. I’m begging you.” It was a whispered plea. His head sagged and his shoulders slumped. “I’ll do anything,” I continued, even though I’d never begged anyone for anything outside of the bedroom. I was desperate enough to try anything.

  In the end, he silently pulled the handle without looking back and slipped away. My knees quaked and without him, I faltered, crumbling to the floor.

  “Kate? Is that you?” Laura leaned out from the kitchen and l
ooked down the hallway. She scrambled, take out in hand when she saw me in a heap on the floor. “You okay?”

  “Yes.” I was still sobbing.

  “Liar.” She set the Chinese down and found a way to hold me.

  “Trevor’s funeral was today.”

  And Nick…

  “Oh, honey.” She rubbed my back.

  “I think I’m going to go lay down.”

  “Fair enough. Where’s Bryant?” A cry escaped my chest and I shook against her arm. “Forget I asked.” Laura knew, of course she knew. And she kept rubbing my back as she hauled me up to standing. “If you need anything, just yell.”

  I nodded, knowing she’d do anything for me. But I needed Nick. I needed his arms around me, his lips on me, and his heartbeat below my ear. That dependence made my skin crawl.

  When I climbed into bed, I pulled the covers up over my head. I couldn’t bear to see the massive mirror hanging on my wall. The worst part was, it wasn’t necessarily because of the memories, but rather the version of myself that would be reflected back.

  I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, tracing the hash marks in my warehouse style windows. Again.

  Out of habit, I reached for Nick a few times before I sat up. I’d tried to call him seven times since I’d stopped sobbing. He hadn’t answered once. Dwelling on it just made my insides jumbled. I needed fresh air, and at 4:37 a.m. it’d be no small favor.

  My body shook as I slipped into running clothes. I didn’t know if it was from anxiety, anticipation, or something else entirely. I was downright jittery as I tiptoed to the guest bedroom and knocked with no answer. I was about to knock louder when I heard a deep, thick murmur downstairs. Jaime wrapped up a call just as I walked into the living room.

  “Jaime, what are you doing?” Laura must have let him in at some point.

  “Colton called.”

  “Is everything okay?” My shakes got worse and the feeling in the pit of my stomach was so dreadful it might as well have been someone screaming NO at me.

  “I didn’t want to wake you or Laura.” His eyes darted away.