Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3)

by Tali Alexander

  “He’s no Romeo and I’m definitely not his Juliet. Yes, fine, we did sleep together. Which was a mistake, but at least now I have the key and Joella’s words to him, so something good came out of him coming into my life and turning everything upside down.” I’m all worked up when I have no right to expect anything of him. “Lauren, trust me, I made a mistake and so did he. We had no business touching each other. I just got carried away with his storytelling. It will never happen again. It was what you Americans call a one-night stand.” I hate that saying, one-night stand. That term doesn’t even make sense; we didn’t do much standing on that one reckless night. And once again I’m drowning in thoughts of us naked together. I feel my face flush and heat quickly spread down the rest of me. Will I ever be able to think back to him and not feel anything? Will I ever be able to forget his eyes?

  “So you’re going after him?”

  As soon as I hear Lauren’s remark I begin to laugh out loud. “Really? After what I just told you, that’s what you came up with? Am I going to find him?” Maybe she doesn’t know me at all. “I’m doing the opposite of going after him. I’m running the other way.”

  “Why? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he married? Does he have kids? Is he one of those emotionally fucked-up dudes?”

  Maybe Lauren is the fortuneteller. She just nailed each point and described Jeffery Rossi as if she were the one with him.

  “Yes, to all of the above. This guy is bad news, and like I said before, we made a mistake. I got carried away with the serendipitous notion that Joella gave a random, handsome stranger a reading, and this so-called stranger actually came back. But I learned my lesson.”

  “Married with children and a girlfriend? Yeah, I’m with you, Frenchy. Run!” I sigh at her final assessment. “Do you want me to come up and get you?”

  “No, I’ll be okay. I think I’d like to spend more time here and look through some of the things she left behind. I’ll leave this place unlocked and you can have whatever you and your mom would like. The rest we can donate to Goodwill or just dispose of.”

  I sit up and look around the cozy place that was once someone’s home. Someone that is no longer of the same world as me, someone that once loved and lost, and I realize that life goes on with or without us. I spend the remainder of the day inside my grand-mère’s sanctuary. I collect all the old pictures I can find, photos that I’ve never seen before. I find an ancient looking suitcase and begin to gather into it the things I don’t want anyone else to have. I have enough shawls to open a store and enough photographs to fill twenty albums. Joella was such a simple woman. She had an abundance of wealth at her disposable and yet she had only a handful of trinkets that I suspect have more sentimental value than anything else. She didn’t even own a television, just books, records and cassette tapes that are without a doubt my maman’s. When I spy an accordion that I recall Joella telling me was my maman’s first instrument, I clutch it to my heart as if it’s alive.

  Everything around me is a mess, including my crumbling life. It looks as if this apartment was turned upside down while robbed, and in a way, it was. I stripped it emotionally by removing its beating heart and leaving behind a stack of nothingness.

  It’s well past midnight as I force myself to leave the memory nest I’ve been lost in today. I carry down my heavy suitcase and that’s when it hits me—I am a gypsy, it’s in my blood. I have no mother to love me, no country to call my own, just a dream in my hungry heart of what love used to taste like and a longing to belong somewhere.

  Six Months Later

  “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake

  When a person you meet once in your life, stays in your mind and strangely helps you get up and face the world each day, that person was sent to you for a reason and must mean something. I’ve gone to sleep and woken up every day for the past six months since meeting Kali with her image in front of me. Neither Jacky nor Sara have visited me in my dreams in many months, which strangely has helped me move on with my life and not soak in a pool of guilt. I wonder if I’ll ever talk to Kali again. Besides looking at the few photos of her that inhabit my phone, I haven’t done a thing to try and make contact with her. I don’t have her last name—I’m sure it’s not Gitanos, since that was her maternal grandmother’s last name. I could do research and find out, but I won’t. I know that if she wanted to speak to me she’d have called me by now; therefore, it’s safe to say she got what she needed from our relationship, if you can even call it that, and walked away like the smart girl that she is.

  I’m busy at the firm like never before. I haven’t had any time to communicate socially with any of my old friends. My only free time I dedicate exclusively to my children. I’m a different man than I was a year ago—heck, I’m a different man than I was yesterday. The only person I make time to talk to besides Emily is William Knight. If a year ago someone told me that the person I would look forward to speaking with almost every day would be William fucking Knight, I’d have pissed in my pants laughing. At first, he just texted to let me know how Sara was feeling after the surgery, about her recovery, but with time, we’ve moved on and now we actually talk on the phone about regular shit like two guys who don’t hate each other. I can’t hate him knowing how good he is to her. I wish I could’ve been that good to her but I never was. A man who loves the mother of my children as much as I know he does can’t be hated, just admired.

  I have casually mentioned Kali to Will, unable to hold my feelings inside because some days I want to explode. I also thought it was important for him to know that I have feelings for someone who’s not Sara. I was hoping to prove to him that he will never need to worry about me coming between them, ever again—I owe them both that. It’s the strangest thing in the world, us talking to each other and confiding in one another like we have, but it’s natural and it’s clear that we no longer play for opposing teams. We have the same cause and many things in common—the most important being Sara Klein. I want her happy and smiling, and I will do anything for that.

  Juliet and Jacob have been spending lots of time with Sara and William, as of lately. Sara has enrolled Juliet into a ballet program and takes her to class twice a week. The kids no longer refer to Sara as their guardian angel, like they did at first; they now just say that she’s their best friend, Sara. The two of us haven’t spoken about that night at The Pierre when she lost her baby, or anything else that happened before or after that moment. We haven’t spent any alone time. She’s been distant and reserved around me. Most of our communications go through William—or Liam, as she calls him—and I won’t pretend that it’s not painful for me, but I understand and accept it.

  Will mentioned this morning that he and Sara will not be moving back to London like they had originally planned at the end of this year. Their decision to stay in New York and be close to our kids makes me thankful beyond words. It’s the best news I’ve received in what seems like years. Children can’t be fooled—they know when someone genuinely cares about them and isn’t just being polite. They feel how much Sara loves them without anyone having to explain who and what she really is to them. One day, they’ll know the whole story.

  I’ve told Will about my impulsive road trip to Rhode Island six months ago. I vividly described to him how I acted like a lunatic trying to find some old fortuneteller, who has died, to demand answers for her silly words. I halfheartedly confessed how, instead, I found and foolishly slept with her granddaughter, whom I can’t stop thinking about. He should be the last person in the world I speak to about this, but he’s the closest thing I have to a real friend these days. He keeps urging me to take a chance and call her, find her, go after her. But I’m pretty sure she hasn’t thought about me or our night together even once in the last six months.

  Will, too, confided in me a few weeks ago that he’s been trying, unsuccessfully, to get Sara to commit and set a new date for them to get married. But she’s refused and he believes it has to do with her fear of not being able to carry a baby in
her womb after her near fatal miscarriage. I hope to God for them to be able to have a baby. Seeing her with Juliet and Jacob only confirms what kind of amazing mother she would be, if given the chance. I understand her pain and I pray she finds comfort in knowing that Juliet and Jacob will always be hers, whether she has more children or not.

  I have also taken the kids to visit their mother’s grave a few times, attempting to explain to them as best I can how Mommy is in heaven waiting for us to one day all be together, but for now, she will be watching over us and keeping us safe. Juliet is convinced that the red robin that sits and sometimes knocks on her bedroom window every morning is her mommy waking her up for school. After witnessing the bird for myself more than once, I have started to believe that as well.

  I’m going to make you proud, Jacky.

  It’s Saturday night, and the kids are spending the weekend with their grandparents; therefore, it’s just me and my memories as I sit by myself in my big empty house wishing I didn’t feel alone. My phone pings to life with a text. For a moment I wonder if it’s Kali, but it never is.

  -Are you busy?-

  The moment I see her number, which hasn’t changed in over fifteen years, I sit up. It’s Sara, which forces my heart into my throat.

  -I’m not busy- I type back as fast as my finger will allow me.

  -Can we talk?-

  I’ve waited to talk to her every day since she regained consciousness.

  -Yes, of course-

  I hold my breath for her lead, to find out if she’ll call me, or want me to call her, or perhaps continue to text, when I hear a knock at my front door.

  I drop the phone and run toward the door, knowing it’s her but not quite believing she’s actually here. I open the door without a moment of hesitation. She fills my doorway, and I never in my life imagined her here, in my house, about to come in.

  “I hope it’s okay that I’ve just invited myself over, but I know the kids are away this weekend and I’d like us to talk, alone, if that’s okay?”

  I’m afraid to make a sound and say anything, out of fear she may disappear. I step aside and watch her move cautiously past me. Her hair is back to its natural dirty-blond color, and the way she floats in you’d think I was dreaming. She looks around and smiles before returning her eyes back to mine.

  “Nice place. Jacqueline had amazing taste.”

  I nod, still refusing to speak and chance the possibility of ruining this dream. She spies a project that Jacob brought home from school yesterday, which I’ve proudly placed on the kitchen counter. It’s a picture he painted of his family tree with different color leaves applied to the branches with names and pictures attached to them. One of the leaves clearly says Sara with a photo I’ve supplied, and I can tell she just noticed her name by the genuine smile that bloomed and materialized on her pretty face, lighting up her eyes.

  I think she’s on the verge of crying as she clears her throat and half whispers, “If I didn’t have Juliet and Jacob—my JJ in my life, I don’t know how I’d continue living. They’re my reason for waking up every morning, and I just want to give them the world. I never want them to feel alone, unloved or unwanted, because I love them and want them with every fiber of my being.”

  She can’t stop herself and starts to cry anyway. I’m mustering all my strength to not cry with her. I take a few steps and come close to her. I should hug her and tell her how much she and the kids mean to me, but I promised her, the universe, and myself, that I’d never touch her again.

  She closes the gap between us and wraps her hands around my waist as she allows herself to cry even harder into my chest. I let out a breath and wrap this strong, admirable girl as close to my heart as physically possible.

  I finally find my strangled voice to tell her just how much our children mean to me, too. “I made so many mistakes with you since the first night we met. I led us down the wrong path, and I almost lost you, too. You’re an amazing woman, Sara, and what you’ve been forced to live through makes you invincible. Juliet, Jacob, and I are the luckiest people in the world for knowing you. I promise you and William will get a happily ever after, and I will be the happiest person in the world for you. You deserve everything and you will have everything, don’t ever doubt it. I will never be the one to stand in your way of happiness, ever again. We created two perfect kids and you will forever be a part of their lives. They love you.”

  She pulls herself away from me, catching her breath while wiping her tears and goes to sit in the living room. Without looking at me, she begins talking with that signature sarcastic smirk on her lips.

  “I can’t believe that you’ve told Liam things that you’ve never mentioned to me.”

  “Oh yeah, what kind of things?” I am a lawyer, I don’t give away information unless absolutely necessary.

  “Don’t answer a question with a question, and don’t try to deflect from the fact that you and Liam have become BFFs.”

  She’s also a lawyer, so I may not be able to use my techniques on her.

  “My pompous fiancé is very pleased with himself at how much he now knows about my ex—I mean, former … I don’t even know who you are to me anymore.” She covers her eyes with her hand as she lowers her head with a sigh.

  I sit by her side. I’m not sure how to explain us and what we had, either. I can’t say she’s my affair, because that sounds dirty, and what we had wasn’t dirty—our children are the biggest proof of that.

  She looks up with the same eyes I get to see every day in our kids. “I know that we aren’t the love of each other’s lives. Jacqueline was the love of your life and I now know that Liam is mine. But I did love you. I still love you. I can’t un-love you because that would mean un-loving our babies, and I’m beyond grateful for them. If it hadn’t been for you and Jacqueline, those perfect little people wouldn’t be in my life. I wouldn’t have a life without them.” She takes my hand and laces our fingers together and turns her body toward me. She reaches her other hand and caresses my cheek, making me feel human for a moment. “Thank you for saving my life, Jeffery. I know if I were alone that day I’d have bled to death and died. You and the children have kept me alive, and I promise to be here for you guys. I want you happy too, and I know your happiness doesn’t lie with me. Now, tell me about this fortuneteller. Liam is being tight-lipped.”

  I laugh at the idea of telling Sara about Joella Gitanos. She’ll think I’m a moron. And the moment I think about Joella, Kali’s striking features fill my mind and a dull familiar pain begins to radiate inside. I’ve kept Joella’s words tucked away for over fourteen years, but I already let them out once and they no longer have a hold on me.

  “Do you remember when I stopped coming into the city to meet you?” She nods, of course she remembers. “I decided that it wasn’t right for me to keep seeing you after I agreed to marry Jacky. I just didn’t have the heart to tell you in person—like a man. I needed to end things with us and be with Jacky and give her one hundred percent of myself for as long as her disease would let me. So I just stopped calling and coming to see you. I thought that was the right thing to do, not get you involved in the mess that became my life. But then on the night I had planned to propose to Jacky, I got hammered at our local college bar. I went upstairs to pee and this old woman who always sat at the top of the stairs by the window called me over. At first, I was going to ignore her, but I couldn’t. There was no one there but us. She offered me a reading, like at a carnival freak show, and of course I refused, but then she uttered a rendition of my name, which finally got my attention. It’s weird. It just happened, and next thing I knew she was holding my hands, reading my palms.”

  “What did she say?” I hear the excitement in her voice.

  Sara and I are still holding hands when I let go of her fingers and expose my palm. “She said that my life has collided with pain and suffering, but that once the girl with the biblical name grows up she will heal me and my life will be filled with music.” I look at her as I let
the fortuneteller’s words penetrate and settle in her mind.

  “Did you think she was referring to me?” She looks confused.

  I smirk. “Yes, you’re the only girl with the biblical name that I knew and you speak lyrics, so who else could it be? After her so-called prophecy, I had to come back and see you. In my stupid head it was a sign that you and I would ultimately end up together. We all knew that Jacky was very sick and the doctors gave her a horrific prognosis. I just wanted to come back and tell you that I’m sorry for hurting you, lying to you, and to explain to you that we couldn’t be together for now, but one day, you and I would have a future. When I saw you, I couldn’t just let you be. When I touched you, everything stopped hurting. I was afraid some guy would fall in love with you and take you away from me while I took care of Jacky. I imprisoned you with my promises and used this old woman’s words as the key to justify my crime. She was wrong. She lied to me. I bought her lies and you bought my promises.” I clench my fists and look away from Sara and the pity in her eyes.

  “You didn’t imprison me, you navigated my life toward the man I was destined for. Almost every choice I’ve made was because of you. Even if her words were false, what you and I created is true. I did grow up and I will try and heal you and our children after you’ve lost Jacqueline. Juliet will play the violin, Jacob will play the piano, I hear Liam can play a mean drum, Emily and I can sing some corny ‘80s songs … how much more music can you ask for?”

  We both burst into laughter while the image of our Brady Bunch band comes into focus. Talking to her and seeing her laugh in my presence is nothing short of a miracle. It’s one of the most splendid dreams I’ve ever witnessed come to life.

  “I want you to smile like this from now on,” I say in all seriousness.