by Derrick Jaxn
She made eye contact long enough to roll her eyes and continued talking to her girls I'd seen with her in the club the other night. I was relieved by her attitude; meant she wasn't going to come and bother me.
Ronnie and his frat brothers were doing their strolls, or what us outsiders would identify with as line dances. The more I watched them, the more I realized how unlike me it would've been to join.
I'm too much of a loner. I only trust a few people, and for those I don't, I'm horrible at pretending I do. I can't smile and shake hands with someone that doesn't really have my back, and I damn sure can't call them my brother. While I'm sure they aren't all the same, I wonder why those who were legit never spoke up about the flakes among them. But either way, that was no longer my battle.
Midway through the day, I still hadn't gotten a text back from Lamarcus. I called once and got his voicemail, which he'd also changed to be a little more professional. It was no longer, "Ay, I ain't here." Beep. Now it was the standard, "Sorry I can't get to my phone," spiel. A little more appropriate for hiring managers to call back to. That change didn't come from me; he did it on his own. The boy was making progress.
I swung by Auntie's place to try and get a hold of him. Cars were lined up down the street, people in their yard talking to one another and very cognizant of whoever drove by. As is normal in most black neighborhoods. Figured it was a barbeque, but I didn't smell any grills going when I pulled up.
I found an empty space to park about a block down, and walked back up to the house. An older guy met me by the mail box with salt-and-peppered gray hair and an off-white linen short set.
He asked, "Who are you?"
I looked at him for a moment, ready to disrespect him for his rude greeting. I decided not to in case he was related to Auntie somehow. "Shawn," I said, reaching out my hand.
He left my hand hanging. "And who is Shawn?"
"Umm...Lamarcus' friend. Just stoppin' by to see if he was available. Sir, I'm sorry but I didn't catch your name?"
His face lit up with anger the moment I asked, "You son of a bitch."
"What?!" I said, preparing myself for a confrontation. It seemed like I couldn't avoid them these days.
He shuffled around some spare change in his pocket for a few seconds then pulled out a blade, "If you know what's good for you, you'd gon' get yo-self from 'round here. Young punk."
He waved the knife around as he talked and when I didn't move he came closer to me.
I gritted my teeth, trying to decide if I'd hit him or begin backing up. I had too much respect for Auntie's home to bring drama to it, but at the same time, backing down was never my style either. If he had respectfully asked me to leave, fine. But this complete stranger had crossed the line. Not me.
"Hey!" a voice rang out from the house. A slim brother about my age came running through the yard. "Pops, what's going on? What's the problem?"
"One of Marc-Marc's little homies came to visit," he said cynically.
The younger guy looked at me, scanned me up and down and said, "What's ya name, man?"
"Shawn. But I didn't come here for any trouble. Just tell Lamarcus I came--"
"Oh, Shawn? You go to the university right?"
"Yeah, that's me."
He looked back at the older man who still had his blade out and by his side. "Come on, Dad, it's all good. Let me handle this. Go on back inside and wait for me in there."
Grudgingly, the man walked away, eyeing me one last time before folding his knife back into his pocket.
"Sorry about that, bruh. My name's Xavier. I'm Lamarcus' cousin. My dad is just on edge right now 'cause Grandma's so upset." He reached out his hand to shake mine.
I did and asked, "What's the matter with her?"
"Oh, you don't know?"
"Know what?"
He looked back at the house then back at me, lowering his tone, "Marc-Marc got killed this morning."
"Wait. What?!"
Everyone in the yard looked at us. Xavier looked uncomfortable.
"Yeah, man. It happened after he got off the school bus. They stabbed and shot him."
My heart bled out a little as I fought back tears. Why didn't he just call me? was my first irrational thought.
"They, who?"
"Well, we don't know for sure, but the police say the way he was killed was supposed to be a message. Some gang type of stuff they do when one of 'em leaves the others hanging. Like a punishment for traitors, which is basically anybody that wants out. Grandma told me he was finally comin' around. That you'd been helping him out and everything. But with his ties to the gang...you know."
My knees felt weak, and I got short of breath. I continued to war with my watering eyes, trying to deny the inevitable guilt that this was my fault. I had no idea it was that serious.
He saw my face and rested a hand on my shoulder in comfort, "I know, man. Everybody's real broken up about it. We from Mississippi but Dad was telling me about how he was doing his thing now. I just wish his momma could've seen what he was doing with his life first."
I forced out, "Where is she?"
"Aunt Jenna still ain't came. Probably don't know her son is dead either. But her phone off so chances are, she's out in these streets somewhere. Dad and her ain't talked in years. He tried to get her to go to rehab a while back, but she wouldn't have it. So they lost touch."
"I'm sorry man, I didn't know. I just...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." My voice was cracking with the news still setting in on me.
"Don't be, man. It's not your fault. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have had a chance at all. Hopefully we find out who did it, and that'll at least bring some kind of peace. Right now, everybody just tryna be strong for Grandma. You can come inside and speak if you want."
"Nah, I'll let y'all have y'all time together as a family. I'mma go ahead and get going. Thanks for letting me know, though," I said, rushing off.
I wanted to see Auntie, but I couldn't imagine what I'd say. Or if I was in any shape to say it.
Once my car door was shut, I balled like a baby. I had been holding it together long enough, but I needed a moment to completely break down. I wanted my momma near me, somebody who could help me and convince me everything would be okay.
He was so young and had just begun seeing the potential in himself I'd seen in him since we'd met. But that potential was gone. Rather, it was murdered.
****
Two weeks had passed, and I passed every day without smiling once, even for my graduation.
The depression I'd fought months before had come back, but I'd committed to getting through it this time. Determined that after all of my hard work, I'd know the feeling of being a college graduate.
But memories of Lamarcus still had me shook. I had gone to his funeral service, sitting at the back so as not to be noticed and left early as well. It was too much to bear knowing he was in that casket while I listened to the family speak of his childhood stories.
How he used to make such good grades in elementary school and was a momma's boy. Just like me. While no one actually said it, it seemed that all that stopped when his mother left. I could only imagine what that felt like, but I thought it selfish of me to let my emotions show in front of those who knew and loved him most.
But now that it was finally my big day, I needed to get my facial hair and apartment together. They were both a mess, and if Momma saw it like that she'd have a fit. Every time we saw each other she did a quick scan for any signs of neglect.
"And why has this robe not been ironed?" she said, marching through the door, barely even making eye contact with me.
"Momma, it's not supposed to be ironed. Ain't nobody else ironing theirs."
"I thought I taught you better than that, but I guess not. You tryna walk 'cross that stage looking like a tall bag of chitterlin's. I don't think so. Take it off, right now," she ordered.
So of course, I did. She went into my room, and plugged up the iron. Then I saw her snatch off my bed sheet, put
it on top of the graduation gown for protection, and ironed every wrinkle and fold from it.
She came back ready to help me get my arms through the sleeves before stepping back to look at me again. "You been eating?" she asked, as she poked at my shoulders.
"Yes, ma'am. Not as much because of my finals, but those are over now."
"Look like you done lost a couple pounds, that's all. You shoulda sent me this suit. I could've tried to take in a bit for you."
"It's not even gonna show. I could wear a tank top and swimming trunks underneath, and I'd be just fine."
She smiled, relieved at my humor. "Well, Bud. Before we leave and ya sisters get here, I just need to let you know something."
"What's that?" I got worried. Usually, I'm the last to know anything and she only has something to tell me when it's bad.
"That I'm sorry."
"Sorry?"
"Yes, baby." She took my hand in hers. "I understand, I ain't always been the easiest to deal with. Since the divorce, I had a lot of time to think about what happened the day you left the house. A lot. And it just dawned on me that I never really took time to let you know that I'm proud of you. You make me so proud."
"Thank you, Momma. I mean, I think you've said that at some point or another. You don't have to apologize for anything."
"What I mean is that I look around to some of these boys out here, tryna become men on they own. The same thing you had to do in a lot of ways. And they don't fare well. Not in this world, they don't. I don't know if it's peer pressure, pain, or what, but whatever it is, you didn't let it send you down the same path. God protected you and led you, but I know he can't lead what ain't willing to follow. And I just want to let you know that I'm proud of you, baby."
Tears filled the ducts of her eyes, and while I hated seeing her cry, this was the therapy I needed. I felt a sense of purpose, being validated in the eyes of the woman that meant the world to me.
We embraced for a while, understanding that as much as this was about me, she needed to do that for her own good as well. Women can sometimes get so good at being strong, they forget that they owe it to themselves to be human too.
We released, and in her hand was an envelope. "Here, take this." she said.
I smiled and opened it gently. It was a little thick and heavy to be a card. "Momma, no. I can't." I said handing it back to her.
It was a wad of twenties. I didn't count it but it was probably somewhere around 1500 or so.
"Yes, baby. I want you to have it. I told you I'd get around to paying you back for all that rent you helped me with, and I'm a woman of my word. It's time I make right on that promise to you. It's okay, take it." She pushed it back in to me.
I was about to give it back again, but figured this was something she'd been wanting to do for a while. Humbly, I thanked her, kissed her on the forehead and accepted my gift.
Once we got to the gymnasium, she split to go find my sisters before they took their seats while I went into the back room with the rest of the seniors who were waiting for the processional to begin.
Danielle was in the front laughing with some of her friends. Maybe they were associates. Not really sure. I'd lost track of who she dealt with over the past few months. But her hair was straightened under her cap, her skin glowing, and she seemed to be having a good time.
Everyone else was taking selfies with their best friends, laughing, and reminiscing. Some of the weed heads who slipped through the cracks throughout the years rightfully couldn't believe they'd made it. Hell, I was even surprised at some of them.
A few of my classmates were getting pulled outside in the hallways because they were sadly mistaken about their graduation status. Glad I wasn't them.
As we walked to our seats and the pianist played, families cheered and beckoned for their graduating senior's attention, I scanned the crowd looking for my own clan.
But I might as well have been looking for a needle in a haystack. Way too many people.
I sat down, suffered through the commencement speech about life and everything that was sure to come. After putting us through years of lectures and tens of thousands of dollars in tuition, the polite thing would've been to send the speaker's speech in an email and spend the money it took to book him on a Tupac hologram concert; but that would've been too much to ask, huh?
Finally it was over, and it was time to grab my degree from the president who was about to smile in my face like we were best friends. I was ready to smile right back because I didn't have to grease his palms anymore.
But when I walked off-stage, I noticed Auntie being helped down the bleachers onto the floor by some of my old teammates.
It's not rare for school employees to be at functions like this one, but I didn't expect to see her nor know why she was walking out into the floor because no one was allowed to.
She turned and headed towards me, piercingly looking me in the eye with sadness in hers underlined by a smile. I returned one as we met together and embraced.
Everyone walking behind me seamlessly just went around us, and even the school security stayed back.
She kissed my cheek as she let go. "Ya done good, baby. Ya done real good."
I reached for her face and wiped the tears from them, "Thank you, Auntie. For everything. I won't forget it."
"Just doing my job."
"And a fine one at that." I hesitated before speaking again, even though I knew what was on both of our minds, but I had to let it out. "He was fortunate to have you in his life. I know he's up there watching me right now."
She gave me an assuring smile. "Yes and he's just as proud of you as I am. Talked about you all the time. I thank the Lawd for putting y'all two together. It was good for 'im."
I thought back to my first conversation with Lamarcus and how his priority, more than anything was taking care of Auntie. How he took on the role as the man of the house, financially securing the both of them. Even though it was illegal, he put survival first, just like anybody else would've done. Just like I would've done.
I unzipped my robe and reached into my suit for the envelope I'd gotten from Momma.
"Take this," I said.
She felt the envelope and recognized what was in it before looking at me again. Her expression was asking me if it was okay, so I nodded in confirmation.
She hugged me again and thought out loud, "Lawd will supply all our needs." It seemed she had been praying for help for her own situation by the relief in her voice. "Thank you, baby. God bless you. Come back to see me sometime, all right?"
I nodded and went on back to my seat.
After everything was over and all of the caps and gowns had been thrown, I caught a glimpse of Danielle staring at me. She seemed to be with her mother. Her hateful ass mother, and a few more cousins I hadn't met.
Her mother never quite bought the idea of me being in Danielle's life, most likely because of the conversations Danielle had with her in our low points. I was never there to hear them, but chances are they went something like, "And Mom, you won't believe what he said," Then out would come only the bad, that was also meant to be private. As usual. And that would form her mother's opinion of me from that point on.
I saw Danielle making her way through the sea of people towards me. Couldn't possibly imagine what she had to say. According to her we'd already had our last conversation.
She just walked up to me but didn't say anything. She looked at me, I looked at her. Then she reached up and hugged me, but only briefly because I didn't hug her back. I left my hands by my side, eyes open, and forward.
She let go, looked at me with a concerned face. "You okay?"
No, I thought.
But I didn't say anything. I didn't nod. I just looked at her, waiting for her to get mad and storm away.
She seemed to have noticed a difference in me, beyond my lack of response to her embrace. She usually could, and it was in her ability that I found comfort. But I wasn't about to fool myself anymore. She was gone. And I n
eeded to be okay with that.
"Danielle, honey. Come here, we have to get some pictures so we can beat the traffic. Come now," her mother called out.
Reluctantly, she walked away, looking back again before getting lost in the mix of everyone. And I haven't seen her since.
Chapter 17
PART TWO
Lucky Charm
Dr. Holley waited a few seconds, staring at me as I lay back on the couch replaying those moments for her. It seemed like it all had just happened yesterday.
"Wait, is that it?" she asked.
"What do you mean, is that it? Yeah, that's it. Basically."
"No, Mr. Fletcher, I mean what else happened? Did you date again? Did you successfully let go this time?"
"Well, I went my way, she went hers. I don't know where she's at now and it doesn't really matter. I got my job in corporate America. Stayed on my poetry and short stories before the publishing agency called me up and we inked the deal for a few books. Now I'm writing full-time, trying to bring my love life up to speed."
"But you didn't answer my question. Did you date again? Did you finally let her go?"
"Had a fling here and there, nothing major. I haven't really figured out how to take anyone serious, including myself. The part of me that loved, I think it's pretty much out of service. That's why I'm here."
"Well, it's not. The things you write about, that comes from somewhere."
"Memory. I write from memory."
"So you do still remember what it feels like then."
"Yes, I remember. But I'd like to experience it again, not just remember."
"What is it that's stopping you?"
"That's why I've been spending all day on this couch for you to figure out. So with all due respect, can you give me a damn answer already?"
I felt my frustrations flaring and checked myself.
"Fine, Mr. Fletcher. I'll tell you this. Unless you're completely sure, and I mean 100% sure that Danielle is no longer in love with you, you may just have made the biggest mistake of your life."
I paused for a moment, confused. "Did you not hear anything I just said? I did my part. I went back and tried to win her over. I even wrote a note. Prayed, meditated, you name it. None of it worked. It's time for me to move on while I still have a chance. I'm young, decent-looking, and I have my money right. I should be an easy client for you. Just help me get back on the right track, not on the old, rusty, and broken track."
