Rita,
There is a wonderful man in Philadelphia who asked me to relay a message to you. Darlene is not alone. She has a family who loves her – a family who has never stopped looking for her. They are waiting even now for her to come home.
More awaits Darlene in Philadelphia than she realizes. Her daughter is named Hannah. She’s a paralegal, and she is beautiful. She is a remarkable person, and has given up much of her own life to care for her grandparents – for your parents.
Life works in unexpected ways, Rita. Your family was held together somehow, even while you were missing. Please don’t let the miraculous go unappreciated.
Camdyn
-§-
After I dropped the olive branch bomb on Rita’s bed, the drive from the bed and breakfast into town felt like it was done through a fog. Even though the sun was shining to the point of a forced squint through the windshield of my car, I was caught in an internal storm that wouldn’t let up. The farther I traveled from that white two-story home, the stronger the urge grew to return and retrieve what I had left. Naturally that included the journal, which I had only offered reluctantly and was frightened I would never see again.
Shaking my head to clear the interference, I pulled my car into a parking spot at the little mom and pop drugstore and stared absently at the display of greeting cards showcased just inside the glass of the door. There would have probably been something in that rack to address my current feelings. You’re moving on. Things will get better. Tomorrow is another day.
Or maybe congratulations? That was why I was in that parking lot, after all.
With my purse securely across my shoulder, I strolled into that drugstore as though I was a woman on a mission. I supposed that was partially true, although I was fairly certain I would wander around for a while because I didn’t know my way around. Also, I would have to watch over my shoulder. Small town, word travels fast, and I was finally remembering that unwritten rule.
Maneuvering my way through rows of laxatives, arthritis ointments, and adhesive bandages, I brushed off a woman who followed me into an aisle of eye drops, assuring her that I did not need any assistance. Truth be told, I felt like I needed an immense amount of assistance, but it was not the kind she could provide.
Finally locating the aisle teeming with feminine products, I stood in front of a row of pastel colored boxes and gazed blankly until the hues seemed to melt into one another. Fastest results, easy to read, most accurate – the descriptions went on and on. Honestly, I knew if they didn’t come with a detailed instruction manual on what to do after taking the test, choosing which one to purchase probably wouldn’t make any difference at all.
Grabbing four of the pink boxes, I made my way toward the register, only turning aside with slight panic when I saw the man in front of me in line. I recognized that cowboy hat immediately, even if I hadn’t bothered to sweep my eyes down, taking in those stick-thin faded jeans and the rose-colored shirt with the shiny silver stripes. The buttons on this shirt were black, still very small, and of the snap variety. Taking in his brown suede-look pointy boots, I couldn’t help but notice that one of his feet turned in my direction, and I knew instinctively that I’d been spotted.
“Well, hey there, Missus,” he began as I drew my eyes up to look into his face. Smiling underneath that wiry mustache, he leaned against his hand on the counter and I shuffled those pink boxes under my arm and tried to act nonchalant.
“Hey, Jerry, fancy seeing you again.” My intention was to sound breezy, but I knew I sounded like an idiot the second the words left my mouth. Worse than that, I sounded guilty, which certainly would have made him look at me even closer.
“It seems like you might be followin’ me,” he stated, fiddling with his shirt pocket. “Doctor told me I oughta take these here pills for my back, so I figured I’d give ‘em a try.”
“That certainly sounds like sage advice,” I managed to blurt.
Sage advice? You are such a dope.
“Yeah, I been havin’ a lot of trouble,” he continued, while I nervously glanced around the store. “I ain’t even been sleepin’ in my own bed lately – been sleepin’ on the couch instead. Course you know that, don’t ya?”
Oh, the utter mortification.
At that precise moment, my discomfort level went from slight to full-out panic, as I saw the unmistakable form of Jake pass by the glass of the windows.
“Um, I just realized I forgot something,” I mumbled to Jerry, backing away. “Will you excuse me?” Not waiting for his reaction, I took several steps to my left until I was safely encased between two rows of items, at which point I hastily threw those pink tests on top of some rather large packages of adult diapers. One of the boxes rolled over the side and toppled onto the floor, causing me to hastily bend to retrieve it before I shoved my hand back behind the blue plastic of one of the packages, jerking my fingers away just as Jake strode by.
“Heartbreaker?” he wondered, pausing at the end of the aisle as he regarded me carefully. “What are you doing?”
“Just shopping,” I stated, sucking in a breath as he meandered towards me.
“Really? Because I can’t help but notice that you’re blushing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I attempted to sound convincing, even as he gave me one of those flirty half-smirking grins he had been giving Lily lately.
“Sure you don’t. Whose shopping are you doing, anyway?”
“Whose shopping?” He shook his head with a sigh and folded his arms across his chest.
“You’re standing here studying protective undergarments, and your face is red,” he reasoned. “I’ve gotta assume they’re not for you, right? Never mind – I don’t want to know.”
“You’re not with Cole today?” Yes, I was trying shamelessly to change the subject.
“No, Parker had a ton of catch-up stuff to do, since you’ve had him off gallivanting around the globe.” He paused to look down at his cell phone in his hand, and then shoved it uninterestedly in the back pocket of his jeans. “May I just say – he’s a lucky man, Parker.”
“I suppose it depends on why you say it,” I muttered, shoving my hands in my front pockets. “How is Lily, by the way?”
“Lily,” he offered with a laugh, standing a little too close to me. “There’s nothing there with Lily. She’s a great girl and all, but… Well, Parker’s friend Nate from Nashville called and asked her to come up for the weekend, and I told her she should go.”
“Why did you do that?” Shifting backwards a little, I tried to put some distance between us without being completely obvious.
“’Cause she deserves to have someone, but it’s never going to be me.” Stepping further into my personal space, he moved himself only inches from me, and my heart started racing as I began to ponder an escape strategy. “Lil’s a great girl, but I’m not really commitment material, you know what I mean?”
“Jake…”
He was close enough that I was staring right at that dimple in his left cheek, and his breath smelled like mint, and I seriously thought about stomping his foot and running. Had he not been wearing those work boots, while I was wearing a thin pair of flats, I might have attempted it. In our present situation, I simply would have looked like a child acting out. Besides, what happened to all that “Cole is my friend, I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that” talk that he had given me in the past?
His arm came up and across the top of my shoulder, and in that instant I knew that I was going to have to react, but I didn’t want to Vanderhuff Jake. I did think he was my friend, after all. However, in just a couple of seconds, with a flick of his wrist, he was pulling his arm back again, and as he leaned away from me, he waved one of those pink boxes in front of my face.
“Oh my gosh,” I muttered, allowing myself to relax slightly.
“Somebody has a secret,” he teased me, offering a wink for good measure.
“Please, Jake,” I begged, imploring him with
my eyes not to betray my trust.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything,” he assured me, transferring the pink box to my hand. “You thought I was trying to kiss you, didn’t you? You sure are a conceited little thing, heartbreaker.”
“’Parker’s a lucky man,’ you big flirt! I am not conceited.”
“I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be,” he argued, giving me that enticing crooked grin again. “Trust me, if you had taken up with anyone besides Parker, you would definitely be with me right now.”
“And now who’s conceited!” I exclaimed, watching as he pulled pink box after pink box from behind that package of adult diapers. “Just give me those and leave me alone, would you?”
“Absolutely.” Handing me the last of the tests, he studied me carefully for a moment. “There’s something about me you should know.”
Full of hesitation, I simply looked back up into those blue-brown eyes for a moment. “What’s that?”
“I keep my promises, heartbreaker,” he stated simply. “Even when they have to do with beautiful curly-haired blondes. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“Thank you.”
He stepped around the end of the aisle quickly, and within just a minute he was waving at me as he walked out the front door. Expressing a loud sigh, I once again chided myself for being stupid. Of course Jake wasn’t trying to flirt with me – Cole was his friend, and he’d told me that countless times. Feeling like a complete dolt, I paid for those four tests and headed back out to my car, and one step closer to an answer to a life-changing question.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Rather than driving straight home, I drove my car to the river – the same river that my ancestor Willa crossed when she first came to Tennessee all those decades ago. Sitting on the trunk of my car, I stared out across the water, watching a solitary leaf as it made its way over each ripple, floated calmly for a moment, and then slid across a rock.
Nothing could really stay the same, could it? Life was an endless stream of ripples pushing us on to the next part of the journey. There were some relatively calm periods, but there were bound to be things that popped up to disrupt even the most tranquil water.
Retrieving my laptop, I propped it open as I realized I already knew some of Etta’s story, and I wanted to rewrite my grandmother’s words while they were fresh in my mind.
They all seemed to fail to recall that anything had happened. Forgotten was the day that someone had pelted Etta with a rock. Forgotten was the instance she had been forced to eat dirt. Forgotten were the names she had been called, and the yellow paint on the door, and the horrible things they had said about Papa. For each of the other children, the war had ended, and life could go on.
Life did go on, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade. No soul dared mention those despicable events to Etta, and history all but forgot that they occurred. She could not wish them away, though, because the war forever waged in her heart. Every time she thought back to that tempestuous time, she became that little girl again, standing silently at the window, staring out into the rain and listening to her father weeping.
That was a different kind of rain, wasn’t it? It was the kind of rain that seared the soul and sliced its way into memory like painful scratches, left as haunting reminders of the fear that was forged during that tumultuous time. That rain had saturated Etta’s mind and left its markings like a tattoo, and had run in rivulets across the fibers of her heart. That rain was not the kind that evaporated when it saw the light of day, but instead was the kind that left everlasting scars on everything it soaked.
She had overcome, it was true. They all had, who lived in such a time. The hardest reality of all was not the fact that it happened. For Etta, the unfortunate truth was that she could not forget that it happened. For all her Papa’s speeches on freedom, Etta Rose would never truly find herself free. Inside the confines of her own heart were shackles, colored yellow and lettered with words she would dare not repeat. Through the heartbreaking process of reliving her memories year after year, she had actually taken from herself the one thing that her assailants could have never stolen from her.
No, Etta Rose could not forget, and therein rested the tragic truth.
-§-
Jauntily swinging the plastic bag full of pregnancy tests in my hand, I rambled up to the front porch, feeling much lighter than I had earlier in the morning. Working through a little of Etta’s feelings had been cathartic, and I thought maybe I would take the time to rewrite some more of them before Cole came home.
Cole. Gosh, I loved that man more than words could express. Something told me he would have been a lot more excited about that plastic bag in my hand than I was at the moment, but he longed to be a father. Me, on the other hand – well, I was fairly certain I would screw it up. That was the only thought that kept trailing through my head repeatedly, as though it was a record player skipping back across a scratch over, and over, and over…
As I began to walk up the steps of the porch, the sound of a car engine came to life behind me, and I turned, expecting to see Liz. Not many people visited our secluded little home, especially in the middle of the day, with the exception of the occasional social call of Cole’s parents. When Rosalie’s car came into view, though, I furrowed my brow a bit. With a brief instant of panic, I realized that I had the bag of pregnancy tests in my hand, so I rushed inside to stash them inside a drawer. Sweeping a couple of dishes into the sink, I did just enough tidying up so Rosalie wouldn’t think I was a slob, and then I wiped down the counter rather quickly, finishing just as she knocked on the door.
She must have baked me something, since I was just there a couple hours ago. Maybe cookies? No, pie. Yay for pie!
“Miss me already?” I sang as I flung open the door to the splotchy white face and red eyes of Rita.
“Hello,” she said quietly, holding the red journal tightly between her hands. Offering it, she stretched it toward me, and I reached until I felt the cold covering against my palm.
“Thanks.” It felt like there was nothing more for me to say, but as I stood there watching her, something did not feel right.
She opened her mouth, presumably to tell me something, but she quickly closed it and wrapped her arms protectively around herself, looking back at Rosalie’s car in the driveway. If she wanted to escape, I wouldn’t stop her, I decided. Finally turning back to me, she swallowed before she glanced at the ground between us.
“Camdyn, I…” she began, but then hesitated as she raised her eyes to my face. “I am so…”
“So?” I asked when she paused for a few seconds.
“Sorry,” she breathed, a tear sliding down her cheek. “It’s strange how one single moment can ruin your entire life. My moment was in the car, on the way to St. Louis, with my mother. I was angry at being forced to leave because I wouldn’t tell them who the father was. But I couldn’t – I wanted to protect him. Then, when we were in the car, and she was lecturing me about the benefits of having a simple kind of life, and being a wife and a mother, and having faith in God… I said horrible things to her, Camdyn. Horrible, unrepeatable things. Such terrible things that I knew I could never face her again.”
Without a word, I stepped forward and moved to the first step, lowering myself to a sitting position. She followed, placing herself next to me and clasping her hands on top of her knees.
“That horrible decision gave birth to so many others that I hardly remember them all,” she continued, pausing to push a strand of her wavy blonde hair behind her ear. I noticed then that she was still in her café clothes, so she hadn’t even bothered to change. “I wanted to go home so badly, but every time I thought about walking up to that front porch, and looking at her face, I was just overcome with guilt. Then the baby, Hannah…” With a sharp breath, she let another tear slide across her eyelashes. “Hannah. I knew I couldn’t give her a life. I couldn’t even give myself a life, living with complete strangers. My only thou
ght was that I could try to make something of myself. If I went back to my mother and I had actually done some of the things I told her I wanted to do, maybe it would somehow gloss over the terrible things I’d said.
“Then, your father,” she added with a smile, staring out across the yard and into the trees. “Your father rescued a penniless waitress, and he loved me the way a woman should be loved. He was everything to me, for a short time. First Charlie came, and then little Camdyn, with a mess of blonde curls, the spitting image of me David always said. Gosh, we were happy, and the truth was, my mother had been right. There was a beauty I found in being a wife and a mother, and I was content with that, truly.”
Glancing over at Rosalie’s car, she began wringing her hands together nervously, and for the first time I really looked at her face, seeing the emotion there that I had wondered if she possessed for so long.
“In one single moment,” she started again, crying quietly. “In one single horrific moment he was gone, and I was alone. I was Darlene again, with two beautiful children that I couldn’t care for. I thought, if I could just find that success that I had longed for, that I could make things better for us. That’s why I began the journey to become a flight attendant. Your grandmother Wilhelmina didn’t understand, but I thought I was doing what was right for all of us. I kept getting better flights, and I took them, because the higher I was able to climb…”
With my eyes still glued to her face, she lifted her hand to her neck and closed her fingers around the little silver cross, drawing her brows together with a pained expression.
“Then, I met Gianni, and I thought he was the answer,” she explained stoically. “He had the means to provide for us so I could be a wife and mother again. We were married, and immediately I asked him to send for you, but he refused. He already had his own children, and he had them in boarding school, so why would he want children that weren’t his milling about his home? I was stupid, Camdyn. He didn’t love me, but I knew he was attracted to me, and I really believed that would be enough to convince him, eventually. By the time I did, it was too late. Wilhelmina wouldn’t send you, and Gianni refused to try to fight for you.”
A Reason to Forget (The Camdyn Series Book 3) Page 32
