My Funny Valentine

by Caroline Fardig

  I smile. “I’m going to let you explain that one to Blake’s mom. Good luck. You’ll need it.”

  William walks away chuckling. My phone rings, and it’s Ryan.

  I answer, “Hey, bro, what’s up?”

  “Elizabeth! Where are you?” This is not my brother. “I’ve been looking all over for you! You’re ignoring your guests!”

  I sigh. “Mom, calm down. I’m out on the patio, and I’ve been…talking to some guests out here.” Not a lie. “I’ll be in soon.” Probably not the truth.

  “See that you are. Jacqueline seems rather angry…although it’s a little difficult to tell with all the work she’s had done on her face. Her forehead doesn’t move at all.” She pauses for a moment. “Do you hear sirens? I hear sirens.”

  “Talk to you later, Mom.” I end the call before she can reply.

  My brother is in deep shit with me for letting our mother ambush-call me like that. The sirens are getting loud, and I can begin to see flashing lights illuminating the sky. This party is going to turn into a three-ring circus any moment now, and all I can do is sit and wait for it to begin.

  Only a few minutes later, law enforcement and emergency personnel begin coming around the side of the house and converging upon the body of Mayor Taggart. One of the crime scene techs comes my way.

  She smiles apologetically. “I’m Jenny Alvarez with the county crime scene unit. I need to process you and take your clothes. Is there somewhere we could go that would be private?”

  Ms. Alvarez follows me into the house, and it’s total chaos. Police officers are trying to gain control over several dozen freaked out party guests, who thankfully don’t notice us heading upstairs to Blake’s bedroom. Once we’re inside, she takes photos of me and rubs a cotton swab all over my hands. Then Ms. Alvarez, a perfect stranger, proceeds to instruct me to disrobe in front of her and hand over my clothes, so it turns out finding a dead body is not in fact the worst thing that’s happened to me today. She also makes me give her my wine-stained dress as well. I expect Blake is going to go through an equally embarrassing experience at some point this evening.

  After changing into my third outfit of the evening, I’m sequestered in one of the upstairs bedrooms. If I wasn’t so exhausted, I might be climbing the walls. In light of the fact that I’m probably going to have to stay up half the night for additional questioning, I lie down on the bed and take a nap.

  ***

  A sharp knock at the door jolts me awake. William sticks his head in the door and says, “I know you’re not going to be too happy about this, but I’m going to have to take you to the station for formal questioning.”

  “What? Why can’t you just question me here?”

  He frowns. “This is a little more serious than we might have thought at first.”

  I ask dubiously, “You didn’t think a murder was serious at first?”

  “Get your shoes on and come downstairs,” he snaps, closing the door none too gently.

  What crawled up his ass? Usually he plays the part of the “good cop” and is always really kind to me, even when I’m being a thorn in the side of the Liberty Police Department. When I get to the entry hall, I notice that the police have all the guests corralled in the living room and dining room, only letting a few people leave the house at a time after they’re taken aside and questioned.

  My friends Melody, Kara, and Melinda are heading outside just as I reach the front door. They all shoot me a sympathetic look, reaching out to either squeeze my hand or give me a pat on the back.

  Melinda, always the most forward one of the group, says none too quietly, “Sorry about your party. The cops say we’re not supposed to talk to anyone on our way out, especially you.”

  From across the entry hall, one of the uniformed officers barks, “So why are you talking to her, ma’am? Move it along. Drive safe.”

  Melinda rolls her eyes at the guy and stomps out, followed by Melody and Kara, who both smile at me apologetically.

  Another uniformed officer approaches me. “Ms. Hart? I’m Officer Amy Mayes. Detective Johnson asked me to drive you to the station.”

  Damn it. I was hoping to drive myself, so once this nightmare is over I can hightail it the hell out of the police station and forget this entire night ever happened.

  “Okay, thanks,” I reply and follow her to her cruiser.

  ***

  Officer Mayes drives me to the station in complete silence and escorts me to the little interrogation room in the basement of the police station that I’ve come to hate over the past couple of years. I’m made to sit alone and stew for a while before William comes in and throws himself into the chair across the table from me.

  “Why would your fiancé want the mayor dead?” he asks.

  I scrunch up my face in confusion. “What? Your question is so ridiculous, I don’t even know how to answer it.”

  “Truthfully would be my choice.”

  I glare at him. “He doesn’t want the mayor dead. Are you saying Blake is a suspect for murder because he wrote a negative article about the man? He writes negative articles about people all the time, but it doesn’t mean he wants any of them dead. If that’s your theory, it’s stupid.”

  William’s eyes get hard. “Look, Lizzie, we’re not friends in here. Lose the attitude.”

  “I’ll lose the attitude when you get your head out of your ass! You know Blake. He wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

  William slams a photo down on the table, startling me. “Then give me one good reason why we found this in his study, covered with the mayor’s blood!”

  My jaw drops open. “That’s insane!” It’s a photo of an antique dagger Blake uses as a letter opener, all gross and bloody.

  “It’s true, and it’s enough to hold Blake, considering he has the mayor’s blood all over him and a sketchy alibi.”

  “What’s so sketchy about his alibi? He was with me.”

  He shakes his head. “Not the entire night.”

  “We were apart for like fifteen minutes at most!”

  “That’s long enough to kill someone and hide the murder weapon. And besides, how do I know you’re not covering for him for the rest of the time? Blake was seen leaving the party and didn’t show back up until forty-five minutes later.”

  “We were out in the gazebo by the pond in the field behind his house.”

  “Can you prove it?”

  “Absolutely. Would you like to perform a pelvic exam on me?” I stand, beginning to undo the button on my jeans, intent on goading him. “Let’s go.”

  William puts up a hand to shield me from his view. “Don’t be so dramatic, and put your damn pants back on!”

  I flop indignantly back into my seat, and a thought pops into my head. “You do realize that anyone at the party could have planted the dagger on Blake’s desk, right? People were milling around everywhere.”

  He sighs. “I know. But this is the mayor we’re talking about. We have to apprehend his murderer quickly.”

  “And any suspect will do, right? Even an innocent one, as long as it puts the town’s mind at ease.”

  “Legally, I have enough evidence to hold him.”

  “Quit saying that!” I cry.

  William gives me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry you don’t like the truth, Lizzie. I’ll have an officer drive you home now.”

  “That’s it? No more discussion?”

  “The evidence—”

  “Don’t say it.” A tear runs down my cheek before I can stop it. “I want to see him.”

  “You can’t. Not tonight.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because he’s busy being questioned, and it’s going to take a long time.”

  “So I’ll wait.”

  He shakes his head. “No. You’re going home. There’s nothing you can do here. His lawyers are with him, and those are the only visitors he has time for right now. Look, I’m sorry things had to turn out this way.”

  “You’re sorry? For ruining Bla
ke’s life—and mine? And all you can say is you’re sorry?”

  “Lizzie—”

  “Save it. And you are so not invited to our wedding.”

  I jump out of my chair and flounce over to the door. Without another word to me, William lets me out of the room and arranges for me to get a ride home. I can’t go back to Blake’s because it’s a crime scene. The officer drives me to my house, where I creep quietly inside so as not to wake my family, collapse on my couch, and cry myself to sleep.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Elizabeth. Elizabeth!”

  I startle awake, only to fall off the couch at my mother’s feet. I groan. “What, Mom?”

  “Your fiancé has been arrested. For murder. For murdering the mayor.”

  I reply between gritted teeth, “I know, Mother.”

  “I saw him being dragged out of your party in handcuffs. Handcuffs!”

  I didn’t know that. I only grunt in response.

  She keeps on with her tirade. “What in the world is going on around here? Your cousin told me you’ve found yet another dead body. You’ve been questioned by the police again. And now you’ll never get married, because your fiancé is going to spend the rest of his life in jail!”

  I’m still lying on the floor, because I’m having to expend my last ounce of energy to not go ape shit on my mother.

  Thankfully, my dad appears and rescues me. “Elaine, I think Lizzie’s been though enough.” He takes my hands and helps me up off the floor, sitting me down on the couch. “Lizzie, if there’s anything we can do for you, you let us know. We thought we’d go over to Becca’s for the day so we’d be out of your hair. Your brother is still asleep, but he’ll be leaving soon to head back to school. We’re all going to the Liberty Inn for lunch later if you’re interested.”

  I smile faintly. Leave it to my dad to know what I need the most right now is some space. “Thanks, Dad. I don’t think I feel quite up to going out today.”

  He ruffles my hair like he did when I was a kid. It’s oddly comforting. “I’m sure you don’t. We’re here for you if you need us.”

  I nod and don’t allow myself to dissolve into tears until they’re out the door. I’ve never felt so helpless. I’m really at a loss for what to do. I need to find a way to see Blake so I can find out the whole story, but I’m not even sure they’ll let me see him. William was such an ass about it last night.

  “Are they gone?”

  I startle, expecting to be alone for a while.

  Ryan comes out from my spare bedroom cautiously, his eyes darting around. “Mom and Dad—are they gone?”

  I wipe my eyes. “Yeah, why?”

  He comes into the living room, throws his duffel bag toward the front door, and plops down on the couch next to me. “Because I don’t want them to know I pretended to be asleep to get out of family time this morning.”

  “Because…?”

  “Because I don’t want to have to sit around and talk with cousin Morticia.”

  Looking over at him, I point out, “You know, I’m pretty sure Becca’s not going to pants you or punch you in the stones anymore. There’s no reason to be afraid of her. You’re bigger than she is, and there’s the fact that you’re both adults.”

  He scoffs, “I’m not afraid of her. It’s just that she’s a bitch.”

  I shrug. Sure, our cousin Becca Hart can be a bitch. She fired me from my part-time job at her funeral home, and I was pretty pissed at her for a while, but we’ve since made up.

  “Liz?” he asks tentatively.

  “Yes?”

  “Exactly how much trouble is Blake in? I mean, do they really have a solid case against him? I can’t imagine him doing something like this.”

  My throat tightens and tears threaten again. “He’s innocent.” I shake my head to clear it a little. “I’m just hoping the police will figure it out sooner rather than later.”

  He puts his arm around me. “Yes, they will, and that’s a very Zen-like attitude you’ve got going on, sis. I’m happy to hear it, because I was afraid you’d start going around trying to do some sort of amateur detective work again, trying to clear his name. Or at the very least you’d be at the station ripping the LPD a collective new asshole over it.”

  “Honestly, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

  Until now.

  Duh. Why hadn’t I thought of that? In the past, when I’d disagreed with a police investigation (or lack thereof), I would take off and launch my own investigation. I think maybe the difference is that before, I had Blake. He and I always did the crazy sleuthing stuff together. Honestly, I feel completely lost without him.

  “Good,” he says, getting up from the couch and pulling me up with him. He gives me a big bear hug. “I’m going to visit a couple of friends before meeting the fam for lunch, and then I’m heading back to school. Hang in there, sis. I’m only a phone call away.”

  “Thanks, Ryan.”

  He picks up his duffel bag and pauses with his hand on the doorknob. “You stay out of trouble, okay?”

  “Always,” I reply, as I’m contemplating what my first move is going to be on the way to clearing Blake’s name.

  ***

  After grabbing a cup of much-needed coffee, I sit down at my kitchen table and begin compiling a list of potential suspects for the mayor’s murder. There’s a knock at my back door. I go to answer it, and my jaw drops. I find a weary-looking Blake smiling down at me. Of course, tears start coursing from my eyes again uncontrollably. I jump into his arms, hugging him tightly.

  “I thought they were going to lock you up and throw away the key,” I cry, barely able to speak.

  He chuckles and sets me down, wiping my tears away. “No. Once my lawyers got hold of them, the police decided they didn’t actually have enough evidence to arrest me after all. That didn’t stop them from dragging their feet on my release. I’ve been in that disgusting cell for nearly twelve hours.”

  I sniff. “But William went on and on about having all this evidence on you…”

  “I’m betting he was instructed to blow smoke up your ass to try to get you to talk.”

  “I talked all right. I let him know what I thought of him.”

  He smiles. “That’s my girl.”

  “So is this all over, or do we still have reason to worry?”

  His face turns serious. “We still have reason to worry. The police are hell-bent on placing blame quickly, and they’re convinced I had something to do with it. They’ve called John Barnes in to have a second interview. He texted me as I was leaving the station.”

  “John? Are they looking at him for killing the mayor, or are they trying to get him to point a finger at you?”

  “I’m not entirely sure. I spoke to my source at the police station on the drive over here, and he seemed to think they have something on Barnes.” Blake has inside sources all around this town who regularly tattle to him, helping him get the inside scoop for his investigative articles. “If for some reason the police can pin something on him, I think it could be a reasonable jump to lump me in as an accessory.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Aside from the circumstantial evidence against me, my financial ties to Barnes run deep. When my family’s coalmine started losing money because of the mayor’s allegations over improper safety, I had Barnes sell off a part of my own personal stock portfolio and put the money into the business to stop the hemorrhaging. As my financial guy, he takes a hit when I take a hit. Plus, he’s on the mine’s board of directors, so there’s yet another tie.” His eyes get tight as he adds quietly, “And he’s my friend.”

  I take Blake’s hands in mine. “In that case, I think we should do our best to get to the bottom of this before he or anyone else has to do any more jail time.”

  “Thank you.” He kisses my hands, adding, “I’m lucky to have such a beautiful fiancée, especially one who’ll never pass up the chance at some sleuthing.”

  “Very funny. Now back to John. He was
shooting his mouth off about the mayor last night at the party, at least to us. Do you think he made any comments to anyone else?”

  Blake grimaces. “That’s what I’m worried about. One negative comment could get him in a lot of hot water given the fact he has a reason to get back at the mayor.” He picks up a piece of paper from my kitchen table. “What’s this?”

  “My list of suspects.”

  Breaking into a sweet smile, he says, “You were going to find the killer yourself and break me out of jail, weren’t you?”

  “That was the plan.”

  He gives me a lingering kiss on the lips. “Well, thank you. I appreciate it.” He looks down at the paper. “I’m not trying to be critical, but there are only two names on your list.”

  “Obviously I didn’t get very far.”

  “And Barnes made the top of the list. You know we want him to be innocent, not guilty, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  His mouth twitches. “And Aubrey. As much as you’d probably like to see her locked up, I think the only thing she’s guilty of is bad manners.”

  “So what do we do now?”

  “I say we start talking to our guests from last night. Figure out a timeline of the mayor’s actions from the last time we saw him until we found him. If we can figure out who did this quickly, we can save Barnes a lot of grief.”

  I put my arms around his neck. “And more importantly, keep you out of jail.”

  “I promise I’m never leaving your side again as long as we live.”

  ***

  “I think we should split up,” I announce.

  “What?” demands Blake, pulling his phone away from his ear. We’ve both been on the phone for the better part of an hour, calling everyone in our contact lists. He hangs up quickly, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Would you care to repeat that?”

  “I didn’t say ‘break up.’ I said ‘split up.’ We have a lot of people to meet with today, and I think it would be a better use of our time to do it separately.”

  Shaking his head, Blake replies, “No way. Even if it takes longer, we’re doing this together.”