History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

by Henry Fielding

  Chapter xii.

  The adventure of a company of officers.

  The lieutenant, whom we mentioned in the preceding chapter, and whocommanded this party, was now near sixty years of age. He had enteredvery young into the army, and had served in the capacity of an ensignat the battle of Tannieres; here he had received two wounds, and hadso well distinguished himself, that he was by the Duke of Marlboroughadvanced to be a lieutenant, immediately after that battle.

  In this commission he had continued ever since, viz., near fortyyears; during which time he had seen vast numbers preferred over hishead, and had now the mortification to be commanded by boys, whosefathers were at nurse when he first entered into the service.

  Nor was this ill success in his profession solely owing to his havingno friends among the men in power. He had the misfortune to incur thedispleasure of his colonel, who for many years continued in thecommand of this regiment. Nor did he owe the implacable ill-will whichthis man bore him to any neglect or deficiency as an officer, norindeed to any fault in himself; but solely to the indiscretion of hiswife, who was a very beautiful woman, and who, though she wasremarkably fond of her husband, would not purchase his preferment atthe expense of certain favours which the colonel required of her.

  The poor lieutenant was more peculiarly unhappy in this, that while hefelt the effects of the enmity of his colonel, he neither knew, norsuspected, that he really bore him any; for he could not suspect anill-will for which he was not conscious of giving any cause; and hiswife, fearing what her husband's nice regard to his honour might haveoccasioned, contented herself with preserving her virtue withoutenjoying the triumphs of her conquest.

  This unfortunate officer (for so I think he may be called) had manygood qualities besides his merit in his profession; for he was areligious, honest, good-natured man; and had behaved so well in hiscommand, that he was highly esteemed and beloved not only by thesoldiers of his own company, but by the whole regiment.

  The other officers who marched with him were a French lieutenant, whohad been long enough out of France to forget his own language, but notlong enough in England to learn ours, so that he really spoke nolanguage at all, and could barely make himself understood on the mostordinary occasions. There were likewise two ensigns, both very youngfellows; one of whom had been bred under an attorney, and the otherwas son to the wife of a nobleman's butler.

  As soon as dinner was ended, Jones informed the company of themerriment which had passed among the soldiers upon their march; "andyet," says he, "notwithstanding all their vociferation, I dare swearthey will behave more like Grecians than Trojans when they come to theenemy."--"Grecians and Trojans!" says one of the ensigns, "who thedevil are they? I have heard of all the troops in Europe, but never ofany such as these."

  "Don't pretend to more ignorance than you have, Mr Northerton," saidthe worthy lieutenant. "I suppose you have heard of the Greeks andTrojans, though perhaps you never read Pope's Homer; who, I remember,now the gentleman mentions it, compares the march of the Trojans tothe cackling of geese, and greatly commends the silence of theGrecians. And upon my honour there is great justice in the cadet'sobservation."

  "Begar, me remember dem ver well," said the French lieutenant: "me averead them at school in dans Madam Daciere, des Greek, des Trojan, deyfight for von woman--ouy, ouy, me ave read all dat."

  "D--n Homo with all my heart," says Northerton; "I have the marks ofhim on my a-- yet. There's Thomas, of our regiment, always carries aHomo in his pocket; d--n me, if ever I come at it, if I don't burn it.And there's Corderius, another d--n'd son of a whore, that hath got memany a flogging."

  "Then you have been at school, Mr Northerton?" said the lieutenant.

  "Ay, d--n me, have I," answered he; "the devil take my father forsending me thither! The old put wanted to make a parson of me, butd--n me, thinks I to myself, I'll nick you there, old cull; the devila smack of your nonsense shall you ever get into me. There's JemmyOliver, of our regiment, he narrowly escaped being a pimp too, andthat would have been a thousand pities; for d--n me if he is not oneof the prettiest fellows in the whole world; but he went farther thanI with the old cull, for Jimmey can neither write nor read."

  "You give your friend a very good character," said the lieutenant,"and a very deserved one, I dare say. But prithee, Northerton, leaveoff that foolish as well as wicked custom of swearing; for you aredeceived, I promise you, if you think there is wit or politeness init. I wish, too, you would take my advice, and desist from abusing theclergy. Scandalous names, and reflections cast on any body of men,must be always unjustifiable; but especially so, when thrown on sosacred a function; for to abuse the body is to abuse the functionitself; and I leave to you to judge how inconsistent such behaviour isin men who are going to fight in defence of the Protestant religion."

  Mr Adderly, which was the name of the other ensign, had sat hithertokicking his heels and humming a tune, without seeming to listen to thediscourse; he now answered, "_O, Monsieur, on ne parle pas de lareligion dans la guerre_."--"Well said, Jack," cries Northerton: "if_la religion_ was the only matter, the parsons should fight their ownbattles for me."

  "I don't know, gentlemen," said Jones, "what may be your opinion; butI think no man can engage in a nobler cause than that of his religion;and I have observed, in the little I have read of history, that nosoldiers have fought so bravely as those who have been inspired with areligious zeal: for my own part, though I love my king and country, Ihope, as well as any man in it, yet the Protestant interest is nosmall motive to my becoming a volunteer in the cause."

  Northerton now winked on Adderly, and whispered to him slily, "Smokethe prig, Adderly, smoke him." Then turning to Jones, said to him, "Iam very glad, sir, you have chosen our regiment to be a volunteer in;for if our parson should at any time take a cup too much, I find youcan supply his place. I presume, sir, you have been at the university;may I crave the favour to know what college?"

  "Sir," answered Jones, "so far from having been at the university, Ihave even had the advantage of yourself, for I was never at school."

  "I presumed," cries the ensign, "only upon the information of yourgreat learning."--"Oh! sir," answered Jones, "it is as possible for aman to know something without having been at school, as it is to havebeen at school and to know nothing."

  "Well said, young volunteer," cries the lieutenant. "Upon my word,Northerton, you had better let him alone; for he will be too hard foryou."

  Northerton did not very well relish the sarcasm of Jones; but hethought the provocation was scarce sufficient to justify a blow, or arascal, or scoundrel, which were the only repartees that suggestedthemselves. He was, therefore, silent at present; but resolved to takethe first opportunity of returning the jest by abuse.

  It now came to the turn of Mr Jones to give a toast, as it is called;who could not refrain from mentioning his dear Sophia. This he did themore readily, as he imagined it utterly impossible that any onepresent should guess the person he meant.

  But the lieutenant, who was the toast-master, was not contented withSophia only. He said, he must have her sir-name; upon which Joneshesitated a little, and presently after named Miss Sophia Western.Ensign Northerton declared he would not drink her health in the sameround with his own toast, unless somebody would vouch for her. "I knewone Sophy Western," says he, "that was lain with by half the youngfellows at Bath; and perhaps this is the same woman." Jones verysolemnly assured him of the contrary; asserting that the young lady henamed was one of great fashion and fortune. "Ay, ay," says the ensign,"and so she is: d--n me, it is the same woman; and I'll hold half adozen of Burgundy, Tom French of our regiment brings her into companywith us at any tavern in Bridges-street." He then proceeded todescribe her person exactly (for he had seen her with her aunt), andconcluded with saying, "that her father had a great estate inSomersetshire."

  The tenderness of lovers can ill brook the least jesting with thenames of their mistresses. However, Jones, though he had enough of thelover and of the hero
e too in his disposition, did not resent theseslanders as hastily as, perhaps, he ought to have done. To say thetruth, having seen but little of this kind of wit, he did not readilyunderstand it, and for a long time imagined Mr Northerton had reallymistaken his charmer for some other. But now, turning to the ensignwith a stern aspect, he said, "Pray, sir, chuse some other subject foryour wit; for I promise you I will bear no jesting with this lady'scharacter." "Jesting!" cries the other, "d--n me if ever I was more inearnest in my life. Tom French of our regiment had both her and heraunt at Bath." "Then I must tell you in earnest," cries Jones, "thatyou are one of the most impudent rascals upon earth."

  He had no sooner spoken these words, than the ensign, together with avolley of curses, discharged a bottle full at the head of Jones, whichhitting him a little above the right temple, brought him instantly tothe ground.

  The conqueror perceiving the enemy to lie motionless before him, andblood beginning to flow pretty plentifully from his wound, began nowto think of quitting the field of battle, where no more honour was tobe gotten; but the lieutenant interposed, by stepping before the door,and thus cut off his retreat.

  Northerton was very importunate with the lieutenant for his liberty;urging the ill consequences of his stay, asking him, what he couldhave done less? "Zounds!" says he, "I was but in jest with the fellow.I never heard any harm of Miss Western in my life." "Have not you?"said the lieutenant; "then you richly deserve to be hanged, as wellfor making such jests, as for using such a weapon: you are myprisoner, sir; nor shall you stir from hence till a proper guard comesto secure you."

  Such an ascendant had our lieutenant over this ensign, that all thatfervency of courage which had levelled our poor heroe with the floor,would scarce have animated the said ensign to have drawn his swordagainst the lieutenant, had he then had one dangling at his side: butall the swords being hung up in the room, were, at the very beginningof the fray, secured by the French officer. So that Mr Northerton wasobliged to attend the final issue of this affair.

  The French gentleman and Mr Adderly, at the desire of their commandingofficer, had raised up the body of Jones, but as they could perceivebut little (if any) sign of life in him, they again let him fall,Adderly damning him for having blooded his wastecoat; and theFrenchman declaring, "Begar, me no tush the Engliseman de mort: mehave heard de Englise ley, law, what you call, hang up de man dat tushhim last."

  When the good lieutenant applied himself to the door, he appliedhimself likewise to the bell; and the drawer immediately attending, hedispatched him for a file of musqueteers and a surgeon. Thesecommands, together with the drawer's report of what he had himselfseen, not only produced the soldiers, but presently drew up thelandlord of the house, his wife, and servants, and, indeed, every oneelse who happened at that time to be in the inn.

  To describe every particular, and to relate the whole conversation ofthe ensuing scene, is not within my power, unless I had forty pens,and could, at once, write with them all together, as the company nowspoke. The reader must, therefore, content himself with the mostremarkable incidents, and perhaps he may very well excuse the rest.

  The first thing done was securing the body of Northerton, who beingdelivered into the custody of six men with a corporal at their head,was by them conducted from a place which he was very willing to leave,but it was unluckily to a place whither he was very unwilling to go.To say the truth, so whimsical are the desires of ambition, the verymoment this youth had attained the above-mentioned honour, he wouldhave been well contented to have retired to some corner of the world,where the fame of it should never have reached his ears.

  It surprizes us, and so perhaps, it may the reader, that thelieutenant, a worthy and good man, should have applied his chief care,rather to secure the offender, than to preserve the life of thewounded person. We mention this observation, not with any view ofpretending to account for so odd a behaviour, but lest some criticshould hereafter plume himself on discovering it. We would have thesegentlemen know we can see what is odd in characters as well asthemselves, but it is our business to relate facts as they are; which,when we have done, it is the part of the learned and sagacious readerto consult that original book of nature, whence every passage in ourwork is transcribed, though we quote not always the particular pagefor its authority.

  The company which now arrived were of a different disposition. Theysuspended their curiosity concerning the person of the ensign, tillthey should see him hereafter in a more engaging attitude. At present,their whole concern and attention were employed about the bloodyobject on the floor; which being placed upright in a chair, soon beganto discover some symptoms of life and motion. These were no soonerperceived by the company (for Jones was at first generally concludedto be dead) than they all fell at once to prescribing for him (for asnone of the physical order was present, every one there took thatoffice upon him).

  Bleeding was the unanimous voice of the whole room; but unluckilythere was no operator at hand; every one then cried, "Call thebarber;" but none stirred a step. Several cordials was likewiseprescribed in the same ineffective manner; till the landlord orderedup a tankard of strong beer, with a toast, which he said was the bestcordial in England.

  The person principally assistant on this occasion, indeed the only onewho did any service, or seemed likely to do any, was the landlady: shecut off some of her hair, and applied it to the wound to stop theblood; she fell to chafing the youth's temples with her hand; andhaving exprest great contempt for her husband's prescription of beer,she despatched one of her maids to her own closet for a bottle ofbrandy, of which, as soon as it was brought, she prevailed on Jones,who was just returned to his senses, to drink a very large andplentiful draught.

  Soon afterwards arrived the surgeon, who having viewed the wound,having shaken his head, and blamed everything which was done, orderedhis patient instantly to bed; in which place we think proper to leavehim some time to his repose, and shall here, therefore, put an end tothis chapter.