History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

by Henry Fielding

  Chapter iv.

  Containing infallible nostrums for procuring universal disesteem andhatred.

  The lady had no sooner laid herself on her pillow than thewaiting-woman returned to the kitchen to regale with some of thosedainties which her mistress had refused.

  The company, at her entrance, shewed her the same respect which theyhad before paid to her mistress, by rising; but she forgot to imitateher, by desiring them to sit down again. Indeed, it was scarcepossible they should have done so, for she placed her chair in such aposture as to occupy almost the whole fire. She then ordered a chickento be broiled that instant, declaring, if it was not ready in aquarter of an hour, she would not stay for it. Now, though the saidchicken was then at roost in the stable, and required the severalceremonies of catching, killing, and picking, before it was brought tothe gridiron, my landlady would nevertheless have undertaken to do allwithin the time; but the guest, being unfortunately admitted behindthe scenes, must have been witness to the _fourberie_; the poor womanwas therefore obliged to confess that she had none in the house; "but,madam," said she, "I can get any kind of mutton in an instant from thebutcher's."

  "Do you think, then," answered the waiting-gentlewoman, "that I havethe stomach of a horse, to eat mutton at this time of night? Sure youpeople that keep inns imagine your betters are like yourselves.Indeed, I expected to get nothing at this wretched place. I wonder mylady would stop at it. I suppose none but tradesmen and grasiers evercall here." The landlady fired at this indignity offered to her house;however, she suppressed her temper, and contented herself with saying,"Very good quality frequented it, she thanked heaven!" "Don't tellme," cries the other, "of quality! I believe I know more of people ofquality than such as you.--But, prithee, without troubling me with anyof your impertinence, do tell me what I can have for supper; for,though I cannot eat horse-flesh, I am really hungry." "Why, truly,madam," answered the landlady, "you could not take me again at such adisadvantage; for I must confess I have nothing in the house, unless acold piece of beef, which indeed a gentleman's footman and thepost-boy have almost cleared to the bone." "Woman," said Mrs Abigail(so for shortness we will call her), "I entreat you not to make mesick. If I had fasted a month, I could not eat what had been touchedby the fingers of such fellows. Is there nothing neat or decent to behad in this horrid place?" "What think you of some eggs and bacon,madam?" said the landlady. "Are your eggs new laid? are you certainthey were laid to-day? and let me have the bacon cut very nice andthin; for I can't endure anything that's gross.--Prithee try if youcan do a little tolerably for once, and don't think you have afarmer's wife, or some of those creatures, in the house."--Thelandlady began then to handle her knife; but the other stopt her,saying, "Good woman, I must insist upon your first washing your hands;for I am extremely nice, and have been always used from my cradle tohave everything in the most elegant manner."

  The landlady, who governed herself with much difficulty, began now thenecessary preparations; for as to Susan, she was utterly rejected, andwith such disdain, that the poor wench was as hard put to it torestrain her hands from violence as her mistress had been to hold hertongue. This indeed Susan did not entirely; for, though she literallykept it within her teeth, yet there it muttered many "marry-come-ups,as good flesh and blood as yourself;" with other such indignantphrases.

  While the supper was preparing, Mrs Abigail began to lament she hadnot ordered a fire in the parlour; but, she said, that was now toolate. "However," said she, "I have novelty to recommend a kitchen; forI do not believe I ever eat in one before." Then, turning to thepost-boys, she asked them, "Why they were not in the stable with theirhorses? If I must eat my hard fare here, madam," cries she to thelandlady, "I beg the kitchen may be kept clear, that I may not besurrounded with all the blackguards in town: as for you, sir," saysshe to Partridge, "you look somewhat like a gentleman, and may sitstill if you please; I don't desire to disturb anybody but mob."

  "Yes, yes, madam," cries Partridge, "I am a gentleman, I do assureyou, and I am not so easily to be disturbed. _Non semper vox casualisest verbo nominativus_." This Latin she took to be some affront, andanswered, "You may be a gentleman, sir; but you don't show yourself asone to talk Latin to a woman." Partridge made a gentle reply, andconcluded with more Latin; upon which she tossed up her nose, andcontented herself by abusing him with the name of a great scholar.

  The supper being now on the table, Mrs Abigail eat very heartily forso delicate a person; and, while a second course of the same was byher order preparing, she said, "And so, madam, you tell me your houseis frequented by people of great quality?"

  The landlady answered in the affirmative, saying, "There were a greatmany very good quality and gentlefolks in it now. There's young SquireAllworthy, as that gentleman there knows."

  "And pray who is this young gentleman of quality, this young SquireAllworthy?" said Abigail.

  "Who should he be," answered Partridge, "but the son and heir of thegreat Squire Allworthy, of Somersetshire!"

  "Upon my word," said she, "you tell me strange news; for I know MrAllworthy of Somersetshire very well, and I know he hath no sonalive."

  The landlady pricked up her ears at this, and Partridge looked alittle confounded. However, after a short hesitation, he answered,"Indeed, madam, it is true, everybody doth not know him to be SquireAllworthy's son; for he was never married to his mother; but his sonhe certainly is, and will be his heir too, as certainly as his name isJones." At that word, Abigail let drop the bacon which she wasconveying to her mouth, and cried out, "You surprize me, sir! Is itpossible Mr Jones should be now in the house?" "_Quare non?_" answeredPartridge, "it is possible, and it is certain."

  Abigail now made haste to finish the remainder of her meal, and thenrepaired back to her mistress, when the conversation passed which maybe read in the next chapter.