He rocked back on his heels, his hands stuffed in his front pockets. There was no point in waiting any longer to tell his parents about his new accommodations. He cleared his throat. “Well, I have some news. I bought Mr. P’s lighthouse. It’s my new home.”
“That is so cool!” Daniel shouted. “I can’t wait to sleep over at your house.” He started jumping up and down with excitement and pumping his fists in the air.
His parents exchanged a knowing look. His mother’s lips were pursed. His father was stroking his chin, a contemplative look etched on his face.
“What? Is there something wrong with that?” Sawyer asked, suddenly feeling defensive. “You two look pretty grim.”
His mother shrugged. “No, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s your decision, son. But I do have a question for you. Does this decision to buy the lighthouse have to do with Ava and the kids?”
Sawyer pulled at his ear. He detected a hint of disapproval in his parents’ attitude. He let out a huff of air. “I made a promise to Billy that I would watch over the twins. Not being able to do that over the past year...” His voice trailed off as emotion took over. “I feel like I let Ava and the kids down. Now I’m close enough to really be of help to Ava.”
The expression on his father’s face was a mixture of shock and dismay. “You’ve gone to great lengths to keep your promise to your cousin. Don’t you think buying the lighthouse is a bit excessive?”
“Not at all. What you’re forgetting is that I’ve always wanted to live in the lighthouse,” he reasoned, his tone firm and decisive. “You know how I used to go on and on about it when I was a kid. By buying Mr. P’s house I can accomplish two goals at the same time.”
His parents still looked baffled. He caught his mother discreetly nudging his father in the side, and he knew a lecture was about to commence.
“That’s all very honorable, son. It says a lot about who you are as a person,” his father acknowledged. “But we just think it’s high time you started building your own family. If you focus too much on Billy’s family, how will you ever find time for a personal life? It’s time you meet a nice girl and settle down.” His voice sounded soothing yet firm.
The beginnings of a smile tugged at the corners of Sawyer’s mouth. He had this conversation with his parents every few months or so. Even though he wasn’t yet thirty, they wanted their son to be married with children and living in domestic bliss. They wanted to bounce grandchildren on their knees. A random image of Ava fluttered through his mind, and he forced himself to shake it away.
“Helping them out won’t get in the way of a personal life,” he insisted. He glanced back and forth between his parents. Something didn’t feel right about this conversation. He felt as if he was missing some crucial piece of information. “Why do I have the feeling something else is going on?”
Again, his parents shared a private look. “Your uncle Troy is a little sensitive about you and Ava spending so much time together,” his mother explained in a low voice. She paused for a moment. “He thinks it doesn’t look right. Before you left for Africa, he made it clear it was an issue for him. We didn’t have the heart to tell you, especially since you’d been so supportive to Ava and the kids.”
Uncle Troy was his father’s brother, as well as being Billy’s dad, and they’d always been the best of friends. A stab of guilt pierced him at the thought that his actions had created tension within the family. After all, they’d all been through so much. Although Uncle Troy had spoken to him about his objections, he’d had no idea the topic had been broached with his parents. “We’re just friends, Ava and I. That’s all we’ve ever been, ever since we were kids.” He threw his hands up in the air. He was battling against a rising sense of irritation. “I can’t believe this is a problem. Ava and I were friends long before she married Billy.”
His words hung in the air for a moment like a live grenade. He probably came across as sounding petty, as if he were a kid on the playground arguing over territory. He knew he was acting defensive, but it annoyed him to no end the way his family minimized his long-standing friendship with Ava. They acted as if he didn’t have his own relationship with her outside of Billy. On some level he felt as if everyone in the family was dancing around the fact that he and Ava shared an unbreakable bond. Didn’t his feelings matter at all?
“Son, you’ve been an amazing support system for Ava and the kids. And of course, we all know the depth of your friendship.” He patted Sawyer on the back. “I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue to be there for them. We all love them. But I have to admit I do worry about the strain it will cause within the family. Troy and Nancy have already suffered the loss of their only child. We just don’t want to add to it. Family has to stick together.” His rich voice was filled with emotion, and Sawyer knew his father was torn between his brother’s wishes, his own son’s needs and what might be right for Ava’s family.
But he wasn’t going to give his father a free pass. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard tumbling from his lips. Family has to stick together? Had his father really said that? Wasn’t Ava part of his extended family? And wasn’t he honoring his cousin’s bequest by standing by Billy’s family?
“The last time I checked, Ava and the twins are part of this family, too.” Try as he might, he couldn’t manage to keep the anger out of his voice.
Needing to cool off, he walked outside where he found Daniel kicking around a soccer ball. He joined in, knowing that spending time with his brother was the best cure for his current mood. Hearing his parents voice their concerns hit him hard. They were forcing him to think about all the reasons he could never be with Ava. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t already harbored these doubts, but hearing someone put them into words served as a brutal reminder.
He knew if he pursued Ava, it might tear his family apart. They would never accept a relationship between the two of them. It would be perceived as the ultimate betrayal of Billy. Uncle Troy had told him as much right before he’d left for Africa. He’d never told his parents about the argument they’d had and the way his uncle had blown up at him. He’d accused him of moving in on Billy’s widow and of taking advantage of her grief-stricken state. He’d already been filled with remorse after kissing Ava that night, so his uncle’s words later that evening had hit him in a tender spot. The fact that he and Billy had been competing with each other their whole lives only served to heighten his guilt.
Being near Ava and having such intense feelings for her had been too much to bear. At the time he’d found it impossible to be in her presence day after day, all the while knowing that she was out of reach. It was agony not being able to tell her how he felt. When he’d received the call from his commanding officer about the emergency mission in Sierra Leone, he’d viewed it as the perfect escape. Yet he’d come home and placed himself right back in the same situation, hadn’t he? What kind of sweet torture was he subjecting himself to this time around? And what kind of firestorm would he set off within his family, he wondered, if he acted on his feeling for Ava?
* * *
Ava stood on the dunes with her arms wrapped around her middle, the wind whipping through her hair as the sun warmed her cheeks. From this distance she could watch the twins on the beach without being too overbearing. She had to constantly resist the urge to smother them with her love, to wrap them up in a little protective cocoon where nothing or no one could ever hurt them. They were so tiny and vulnerable. It made her heart ache just to watch them.
But she knew she had to let go, at least a little bit. Casey and Dolly were already balking at her overprotective nature, and they weren’t even seven years old yet. It was only a matter of time before it all blew up in her face. She didn’t need a child psychologist to tell her what happened to kids who were treated like fragile pieces of china. So, after praying on it for the past few weeks, she was taking matters into her own hands and trying
to give them a little more independence.
Ten minutes ago she’d picked up the kids from school and headed straight over to Sandy Neck Beach. Sawyer had called this morning and invited them to watch his team conduct rescue maneuvers on the ocean. The kids had been ecstatic. Ever since they’d seen him the other night, Casey had been peppering her with non-stop questions about when he could see Uncle Sawyer again. He was clearly itching to visit him at his lighthouse. And she’d overheard the twins whispering about asking Sawyer to go to a father-child event at the park. Being invited to watch him in his element was a treat for the twins. Although a panicky feeling bubbled up inside her at the idea of water rescues, she was trying to tamp down her fears so the twins could freely enjoy themselves. She had to remind herself constantly that they weren’t in any danger.
At the moment Casey and Dolly were knee-deep in the water watching as rescue swimmers were being dropped into the water from helicopters two hundred or so feet away from the beach. As far as she could tell, they were simulating a rescue scenario in the rough surf. She didn’t envy them. Just watching them from this distance made her shiver. The water was choppy and rough, not to mention freezing cold. After twenty minutes or so, she began to walk down to the water’s edge where the twins were watching the rescue in progress, their mouths agape as one of the rescuers dangled from a rope and dropped down into the sea. Seeing Sawyer and his team in action was impressive, she realized. After all, it wasn’t every day you were able to see heroes in action.
In the distance she could see one of the team swimming from the rescue site toward the beach. He was using his arms and upper body strength to rapidly propel himself through the rough waters. She would recognize Sawyer anywhere. He’d always been an exceptional swimmer, ever since they were children. A few summers he’d even been a lifeguard. The kids were pointing at him and making a commotion as he cut a path through the water. Within minutes, Sawyer came striding out of the water, his body encased in a wet suit. As soon as they saw it was him, they swarmed around him, talking over one another in their attempt to get his attention.
“That was so cool,” Casey raved, his eyes sparkling with wonder. “You’re like a superhero.” His little face was full of admiration.
Ava knew Sawyer hated the hero title, but he didn’t seem to mind Casey giving him the label, judging from the wide grin on his face. She couldn’t help staring as he put an arm around her son. He pulled at Dolly’s pigtail and grazed her cheek with the palm of his hand. Dolly made a face and swatted his hand away, shouting out, “Your hands are like ice.” Sawyer threw his head back and laughed before turning toward Dolly and holding his hands up in a menacing way. She let out a high-pitched shriek and ran away, only to find Sawyer at her heels. Within seconds Casey had caught up, and Ava felt a little hitch in her heart as she watched her son shadowing Sawyer. Every little boy needed a man in his life to look up to, and Sawyer was rapidly earning that position in her son’s world.
In her opinion Sawyer looked every inch the hero, and it had nothing to do with his profession. The way he was with her kids, the gentle, loving manner in which he interacted with them took her breath away. He was so natural. There was nothing practiced or phony about his love and affection for the twins. It made her feel grateful. For so long now she’d been tormented by everything her family had lost. For the first time in a long while she had something to rejoice about. In this moment she wanted to thank God for bringing Sawyer back to them.
Lord, thank You for bringing Sawyer home. Thank You for allowing him to be a presence in my children’s lives. They so desperately need a male presence in their world. Thank You for helping me deal with my anger toward Sawyer so my children can still have him in their lives.
“Is that a special helicopter?” Dolly asked, her finger pointed toward the air. Her eyes were like saucers, and for once, she seemed almost speechless.
“Yes, it is, Dolly. It’s an HH-60 Jayhawk,” Sawyer explained. “We use it for search-and-rescue missions.”
“Whoa! That sounds like something out of a movie.” Casey sounded awestruck. Like most six-year-old boys, he was all about the bells and whistles. “The kids at school won’t even believe it.”
A grin tugged at the corners of Sawyer’s mouth. “It’s very real, I promise. Today we were training some rescue swimmers.” He pointed in the direction of the water. “See how rough those surfs are?” When both of the twins nodded, he continued. “We have to be ready at all times to help people who are in trouble and watch over this land we love so much.” Sawyer’s voice was solemn. The twins were looking at him as if he were made of solid gold.
“Everyone says you’re a hero. I know if you’d been there, you could’ve saved our daddy.” Dolly’s words were to the point and matter-of-fact. She didn’t seem upset or sad. For the first time since Billy’s death, Ava realized that her kids were healing. They weren’t broken as she’d feared. Their oversized hearts hadn’t been crushed by tragedy.
Sawyer reached out and squeezed Dolly’s little hand. “I would like to have done that.” He let out a huff of air, and she could tell he was struggling to keep it together. Although their relationship hadn’t been perfect, Sawyer and Billy had been close friends. Ava knew how deeply Sawyer had grieved when they’d lost him.
There was a story behind the hero label. Back when Sawyer was beginning his career as an officer, he’d been part of a rescue mission during which he’d plucked a family of four out of the raging sea during a nor’easter. The daring rescue had made national headlines. Sawyer had been labeled a hero, a moniker he’d been fighting against ever since. As she gazed at her children, noting the adoration on their faces, she knew Sawyer would always be a hero in their eyes.
“Race you to the lifeguard chair, Dolly.” Casey tossed out the challenge and then took off, causing Dolly to loudly object before she raced after him.
“You know you’re a rock star, right?” Ava asked as she studied Sawyer’s satisfied expression. As excited as the kids were about being able to watch Sawyer and his team, she was equally impressed. To see him in his element was awe-inspiring.
“It’s easy being a rock star when I’m not the one making them eat their vegetables and tidy up their rooms.” He gazed at her, his eyes shining with admiration. “You’re the real hero, Ava. What you and the kids have been through would have torn apart most families.” He shook his head. “From what I can see, Casey and Dolly are healthy, happy and well-loved kids. That’s all because of you.”
Sawyer’s words reached down deep and touched a part of her soul. It wasn’t easy raising children in the aftermath of tragedy. Most days she worried about their peace of mind and whether they were happy and whole. More than anything she tended to worry about whether they had lasting memories of Billy and if they felt different from other kids who had fathers. Even though she considered herself a bit broken, it was nice to know she’d successfully shouldered her children through the worst storm of their lives and kept them solidly grounded.
“Thanks for saying that. It’s nice to know I’ve kept them on track.” She let out a deep sigh and allowed her shoulders to relax. “There were some tough days. The nights seemed endless. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep I would just lie awake and listen to the pounding of my heart. And I used to replay his voice over and over on the answering machine because I knew it was the only way I could hear his voice again. Believe it or not, I still haven’t gotten around to cleaning out the last few things in his closet.” She sniffled back raw emotion. “Somehow we weathered through it.”
“You’re a strong woman. You could serve as an inspiration to so many women raising kids by themselves.”
She didn’t know if she deserved such admiration. When the bottom had fallen out of her world, she knew there were really only two choices—sink or swim. She’d doggy-paddled her way through the mountain of grief, managing to keep her head slightly above water. And s
he hadn’t done it alone. No, there had been soldiers in her camp who’d fought the hard battles right alongside her.
“You had a part in this, Sawyer. I was frozen in the weeks after Billy first died. I’ll never forget how you stepped in with the kids. Between you, Billy’s parents and my sisters—”
She swallowed past the painful memories, choosing instead to live in the moment. “I’m fortunate to have so many people who love me.”
The wind had kicked up now and it was starting to get a bit gusty. She wondered how Sawyer wasn’t freezing in his wet suit. He reached out and brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes. His eyes locked on hers, and she felt a chill race down her arms.
“You are loved, Ava. So very much,” Sawyer murmured, his eyes never breaking contact with her own. He reached out and slid his hand in hers, the same way he’d done so a hundred times or more when they’d raced across this beach as children, screaming at the top of their lungs. But now everything around them was quiet, save for the muted cries of a flock of seagulls and the hushed tones of the twins as they sat in the lifeguard chair. It was nice to have a still moment with Sawyer where no words were needed to fill the silence. With a look or a gesture, they always knew where the other stood. It had always been that way between them, and she prayed it would never change. Sawyer was her cornerstone.
For the first time in a long while she was beginning to feel like her old self, the one who wasn’t afraid of losing people she loved and who embraced the world around her. She felt stronger, firm in the knowledge that her children were thriving and centered. Despite everything they’d endured, they were happy. Dolly and Casey were the focus of her life, for now and always. With the grace of God she’d be able to guide them on through childhood into adulthood. She smiled as she imagined the future—first dates, proms, driving lessons, weddings. There was so much to look forward to on the horizon. The only thing causing her worry at the moment was the bubbly feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she gazed into Sawyer’s soulful brown eyes.
Forever Her Hero Page 5
