Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!: More Magical Tales from the Author of God, No!

by Jillette, Penn

  Our sucky TV culture is all PBS’s fault. In 1971, they put a camera crew into the home of Bill and Pat Loud and their children and, in 1973, put everything the crew filmed on TV. The show was called An American Family, and viewers watched the Louds’ lives as though it was a TV show. It was a TV show. The Louds went from happy family to D-I-V-O-R-C-E and America watched it happen. Their son Lance became the first totally out gay guy on TV (I guess no one counts the Hollywood Squares and Bewitched). When Lance died of hep C and complications from HIV years later, there was another TV show.

  Before An American Family, you would have bet your ass and your colonoscopy video that if you put TV cameras in a room with people, those people would behave better. They’d be kinder, wiser, more measured and more loving than they would be without the cameras. The whole world is watching, so be at your best.

  The Hawthorne effect—coined in 1950 in response to factory workers’ productivity increases when they were being observed—manifests in every clinical shrink study of people’s motivations. When anyone watches anyone do anything, the watched people do whatever they’re being watched doing a little better for the short time while they’re being watched. The key is that the behavioral improvements are temporary. If the Hawthorne effect worked for more than a few days with TV cameras, we wouldn’t have The Celebrity Apprentice.

  I noticed the Hawthorne effect for the first few days of my season of The Celebrity Apprentice, but it sure didn’t last long. We celebrities are desperate pigs. I knew several of my co-stars prior to working on TCA together. I had hung out with them and worked with them in high-pressure situations. None were close friends, but I liked them all and thought I knew them a bit. But sixteen hours a day with TV cameras all around, doing pointless fake corporate tasks outside one’s skill set with Clay Aiken (the guy who came in second on American Idol years ago), and no one worries about the whole world watching (with the exception of anyone who has a job, someone to talk to, a nice view out the window or a solitaire program). You’re happy if you don’t swallow your own tongue.

  The secret truth of The Celebrity Apprentice is that it isn’t very hard. The tasks are nothing. Makeup starts just after five a.m. and the show goes to about ten p.m., but you spend most of that time doing nothing. Anyone who isn’t in show business could accomplish everything the show called for and have time left over to do their laundry, cook their supper and post pictures of their animal companion on Facebook. The Celebrity Apprentice is easy like junior high is easy. All the arithmetic, the creative writing and the history are super simple, but like junior high, you do that easy work surrounded by people who are full-tilt hormone-raging bugnutty. Everyone is panicked, desperate, yelling, swearing, attacking, backstabbing, failing to get laid and acting crazy. With all this drama, any sane person just wants to do more algebra. The Celebrity Apprentice is junior high with a better brand of acne cover-up.

  Like all desperate celebrities, I’ve been on more than one reality show. I also did Dancing with the Stars. I was amazed to find out that The Celebrity Apprentice was more honest and straightforward than DWTS. The idea of DWTS is pretty beautiful: half-assed show folk who aren’t dancers are teamed up with great dancers, and cameras video them while they learn to dance. How well can people learn to do something outside their ken? It’s a beautiful idea. Dance is a joyous celebration of humanity, so it should be an uplifting, inspiring show to watch and even more beautiful to be on.

  Well, I loved being around Kym Johnson, my DWTS dancing partner. Kym was a delight. She oozed professional skill and joy. I loved working on the dancing. I love practicing things I’m not good at, and it was an easy schedule. But I hated the time that was spent with the production trying to get young ambitious Mormon women to cry. Guys behind the cameras would say mean things at attractive young men and women and washed-up celebrities about how it would ruin their lives if they didn’t win. The producers were hoping to capture some “good TV.” A young wannabe art filmmaker would take me into my “confessional” and ask me to talk about how upset I was going to be if I was the first one voted off—the biggest failure possible in reality. I was the most incompetent and I was off the show as quickly as anyone could be. I found out how I’d feel. The answer was fine. Others danced better than me, but no one danced with more joy. And being on that show for one round made me a lot of money in ticket sales to the Penn & Teller show. If I’d stayed on longer, I would have made much more money—but I’m paid more than I ever expected anyway so that failure is pretty easy to take. It didn’t take food out of my children’s mouths. A twenty-four-year-old film student with a notebook would ask me (me, a guy who worked in the carny) things like, “Is Dancing with the Stars the hardest you’ve ever worked? Is it the hardest thing you’ve ever done?” I’d explain that anyone who has a job, any job, or spent any time looking for a job outside show business had worked harder that day than anyone on any celebrity reality show (I specify “celebrity” because it seems those frozen ass crab fishermen work pretty hard). If you fix cars, sell cars, drive cars, practice medicine, take medicine, sell medicine, give pedicures, give blow jobs or work at a KFC, you worked harder today than any celebrity on any reality show ever has. Every time I was asked the “how hard are you working” question on Dancing with the Stars, I gave them that answer. They didn’t ever use that answer on the show. They have to pretend it’s hard work. It isn’t.

  The Celebrity Apprentice is more honest, in that creepy kind of way that the guy who admits he’s a racist is more honest. It doesn’t pretend to be about something beautiful like dance. I think business is beautiful, but The Celebrity Apprentice has nothing to do with business. No actual business skills are tested. It’s not even a real game about fake business. I can tell you the rules of chess (I know the rules well enough to lose to anyone). I can’t tell you the rules to The Celebrity Apprentice. No one can tell you the rules of The Celebrity Apprentice. No one. Donald Trump just does what he wants, which is mostly pontificating to people who are sucking up to him, while the network people try to manipulate him into making the highest-rated show they can. Trump can’t be manipulated, so the show isn’t even fair in that way. Annie Duke, the poker genius, and TCA veteran, said to me, “It’s a pretend game, about pretend business, where you get pretend fired.” Donald Trump couldn’t fire me. I work for Penn & Teller and he’s never owned any part of us. Trump tried to book Penn & Teller once in Vegas at one of his casinos, but we were priced out of his budget. He can’t fire us from the Rio, because he doesn’t own any of Caesars.

  TCA pretends to be about raising money for charity. That’s true, but only so far. If I had not taken time off from the Penn & Teller show to do The Celebrity Apprentice—if Teller and I had just done our show, gotten usual pay—I could have donated four times the amount of money that Trump had pledged to give my charity if I won the whole damn shooting match. Opportunity Village, “my” charity that helps intellectually disabled adults to enter society, got a lot of attention because I was on The Celebrity Apprentice, and that does count for something. And when I was “fired,” my real bosses at Caesars, who own the Rio and the Penn & Teller Theater, said, “Oh, you wanted a quarter million for Opportunity Village? We don’t have to do some jive TV show; we’ll just write a check.” They wrote the full winning amount to Opportunity Village and everyone was happy. But The Celebrity Apprentice people are honest. They don’t pretend it’s about something beautiful, and they don’t pretend it’s fair. It’s venal people clawing at stupid, soulless shit in front of the modern-day Scrooge McDuck in order to stay famous.

  The producers of TCA are a couple of really groovy women whom I grew to know a little and like a lot. They wanted the show to be honest, and they kept it honest. I didn’t watch the show, but I didn’t hear about any edits that were really disingenuous. They had to tell a story, and stories are never real, but they showed a view of the show that was certainly as accurate as the one you’re reading now. I never saw them lie, or push someone to get t
he reaction they wanted. They just let it happen with integrity and honesty. For one “task,” Donald Trump asked us to create a Macy’s store display and print ads for his new fragrance. Is there anyone who wants to smell like Donald Trump? Mr. Trump thinks so, so we were asked to create advertising. Instead of the usual twenty grand that the show would give to the winning “team leader’s” charity, Donald floated the promise that if he “loved” our promotional material, he would give one hundred thousand dollars to his “loved” one’s charity. Five times the amount that was arbitrarily assigned to this “task.” In other words, if Trump got an ad that he could actually use for his stink-pretty juice, he would pay about twenty percent of what he would have to pay in the free market to hire a professional to do the job properly. Trump was willing to donate one-fifth of what the campaign would be worth to charity. I got fired for coming up with the slogan “You Earned It.” They thought that slogan was “pompous.” My slogan for a perfume with Donald’s picture on it called “Success” was deemed pompous. Wow. The problem was my audience, I think. “You Earned It” isn’t good for the Trumps. It should have been “You Inherited It.” I would have won. I also helped with some of the parts of the campaign they liked, but the team chose my slogan, so not having a slogan would have been better than having one they don’t like. The game theory is to do as little as possible. Not the way I live my life, but it’s not my game, it’s Trump’s.

  TCA gets the coin on both sides: they get NBC to pay for the show and they get the corporations to pay for the “challenges.”

  Trump stays rich in real estate and stays kinda sorta famous for his “brand.” Trump is obsessed with his brand and that’s all you really need to know. Trump is on a game on TV where my showbiz peers, if they want to play the game, have to suck up to him, and I sucked up to him. I’d sit and smile and listen, because I promised the producers I would do my best. The boardrooms went long and I was there to spend about twenty-two hours, over six weeks listening to Trump do his monologues. He’d talk about Occupy Wall Street and global warming while he was deciding whom to pretend to fire from his pretend business. Bill Gates is fighting polio, and polio and I don’t suck up to him, but I was on TV with Donald Trump, so I did my job. I wasn’t even going to say anything about Trump’s hair. I live in a glass house. I’ve always had ugly, out-of-style hair. Trump’s hair is a lot better than mine—but as I sat there for hours half listening to Donald carry on, it struck me exactly what his hair looked like. It looks like cotton candy made of piss. That revelation came to me, and I had to type it here. But my hair is worse.

  One day while shooting, Clay Aiken, Arsenio Hall, Lou Ferrigno and I were sneaking out of Trump International Hotel behind a laundry truck, to hide from the imaginary paparazzi. We’re all sub-stars, and we’d all been in showbiz for a while, so we were used to being walked in through the kitchen so the paying customers wouldn’t see the show folk. There were a few others with us, but I was trying to shock you with that opening foursome. Dee Snider, from Twisted Sister, was with us too. It was November in New York City, but in TV phony-baloney world it was March. I had been up since five a.m. for makeup, and a few days before I’d had a heart-to-heart talk with Clay. I would have preferred waterboarding. I don’t like heart-to-heart talks with anyone, but Clay Aiken? Strap me to the board, and put the wet towels over my face. Drowning sounds nice. Clay had put his arm on my shoulder, looked in my eyes and said softly something like, “You know, Penn, I really like you, I do. I think you’re really smart, but I have to talk to you about some things that are bothering me.” Clay told me, gently and kindly, that I was being condescending by talking over people’s heads. He was accusing me of being condescending and he was being . . . condescending. When someone is busting you for being condescending, it takes a bigger asshole than me to say, “Are you sure you know what ‘condescending’ means? It means to talk down to, not talk over someone’s head. So, you see, honey, I’m not condescending, I’m pompous, let me explain . . .”

  So, I nodded, yeah, I’m condescending. Greed and clawing for fame got me to the point where I was pretending to care what Clay Aiken thought of me. What have I done? What have I done?

  Clay spent over an hour and a half of his time, and wasted much more than that of mine, having a heart-to-heart with me over how he, Clay Aiken, thought I should treat Lou Ferrigno. He wasn’t talking about how Clay Aiken thought I should treat Clay Aiken, about which I would have had to work hard to give a flying fuck. Clay was talking to me about how he, Clay Aiken, thought I should treat the guy who played a cartoon character painted green, decades ago. He also told me to stop using the word “groovy.” This from a man who uses the word “bitch.” I like the word “groovy.” I don’t like the word “bitch.” After our talk, I went back to the hotel, called my wife and talked to her about being upset about my talk with Clay Aiken. One’s wife could bring home a couple of her sexy MILF friends for a very special sex birthday party and one could be unable to get a hard-on and then pee all over oneself and start crying like a little girl while chewing egg salad on soft bread with one’s mouth open, and it would disgust one’s wife less than talking about one’s heart-to-heart talk with Clay Aiken. She’s a very understanding woman.

  If you’ve gotten yourself into a situation when Clay Aiken is going to talk about his feelings with you . . . and if your cock is bigger than a cashew, it’s time to kill yourself. If it weren’t being documented, you could kill him quickly and bury him in a shallow grave—who’s going to notice? You could go on living your happy normal life, but if there are TV cameras pointed at you while Clay is pretending to soul search, and your wife is going to find out and some of your friends from the carny might watch the show in a bar somewhere, well . . . you should kill yourself.

  It is a tribute to having the greatest parents in the world, my wonderful wife and children, and to having character rammed into me by my third-grade teacher that I’m still alive to write this now. Clay was explaining to me how I could live my life in a way that would please him, while we sat on an upper floor of Trump Towers and the door to the balcony was unlocked. I could have jumped. As the cameras shot us, Clay looked directly in my eyes like he was showing compassion for an autistic child while he knew he was on a reality TV show. He was playing compassionate, smart and practical in the face of this big loud aggressive guy. Then he used the word “bully” against me (that word was used a lot during that episode), referring to how I dealt with Lou Ferrigno. Lou had called me a “fat motherfucker” and hit me, and hurt me, several times as he pretended to greet me and show me affection but really as he showed me how strong he was. Lou said that his roughness with me was proof that he liked me. I said, “Then don’t like me.” I sure believed it was affection. He would swear that he never hit me and he wouldn’t be lying. What he considering greeting, I consider battery. I’m a pussy. I hate that jock hugging hitting thing. It’s why I became a theater guy. Lou explained to me that “no kidding” he was trained in combat and could kill me in three seconds. Clay explained how I should deal with Ferrigno. Clay said that he knew how to deal with Lou because Clay himself had worked for years with intellectually disabled students before he discovered himself on American Idol. He thought I should deal with this grown man—who was our peer, who had punched me in friendship—as if I was dealing with an intellectually disabled child, so . . . get this . . . so I wouldn’t come off as condescending in front of the non-groovy, but very bitchy Clay.

  You don’t have to be a mind reader to know what I was thinking as Clay’s perpetually half-closed, unfocused eyes met mine and he placed his “comforting” hand on my shoulder. I was thinking, I have made a lot of money. So has Teller. Teller loves me. If I run out to the balcony and jump off, I’m sure my wife and children wouldn’t get my huge life insurance policy (I’ve seen Double Indemnity), but Teller would get a big press bump from me being dead, and he’d use that money to make sure that my family are taken care of. And there’s a chance, with this conver
sation on video, they’ll get Clay for murder, and my family will get the insurance money after all and can maybe file a civil suit against Clay for more money. I’m bigger than Clay by a lot. I could probably kill him with my bare hands even without Lou’s military training, but at this point, I’m thinking my funeral, his trial, instead of the other way around. It’s a coin toss. Condescending. Hand on shoulder. Looking into my eyes and . . . for OVER AN HOUR!

  How long is an hour? When my wife and I decided to get married and have children, the conversation took forty-five minutes. On my mother’s deathbed, the honest “I love you”s took a half hour. The decision for Teller to quit his tenured classics teaching job and spend the rest of his life working with me took ten minutes. This “good TV” heart-to-heart with the second place winner of a talent show took over an hour. An hour during which the people I really loved, my mom, my wife and Teller, were being spit and pissed on by my hearing out Clay on camera about something completely unimportant. I should have jumped. At least some of you might have respected that. No one respects me talking to Clay Aiken about feelings. Not even Clay. He was just doing it to win a TV game so he wouldn’t have to go back to condescending to mentally disabled children for a career.

  What happened? Did I forget how to say “Shut the fuck up?” Or, “I’m sorry, I think I left the bathwater running in Las Vegas, and you know it’s the desert, there’s a water shortage.” Or, “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. I learned our Vegas shows phonetically.” Or, “Hey, Clay, there are more TV cameras on the other side of the room. Why don’t you have a heart-to-heart with Arsenio Hall? That might get you more close-ups.”