Right Ho, Jeeves jaw-5

by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse

  “Well?”

  Gussie tried hard. And for a moment it seemed as if something was going to come through. But in the end it turned out nothing more than a sort of death-rattle.

  “Oh, take him away, Bertie, and put ice on his head,” said Aunt Dahlia, giving the thing up. And she turned to tackle what looked like the rather man's size job of soothing Anatole, who was now carrying on a muttered conversation with himself in a rapid sort of way.

  Seeming to feel that the situation was one to which he could not do justice in Bingo-cum-Maloney Anglo-American, he had fallen back on his native tongue. Words like “marmiton de Domange,” “pignouf,” “hurluberlu” and “roustisseur” were fluttering from him like bats out of a barn. Lost on me, of course, because, though I sweated a bit at the Gallic language during that Cannes visit, I'm still more or less in the Esker-vous-avez stage. I regretted this, for they sounded good.

  I assisted Gussie down the stairs. A cooler thinker than Aunt Dahlia, I had already guessed the hidden springs and motives which had led him to the roof. Where she had seen only a cockeyed reveller indulging himself in a drunken prank or whimsy, I had spotted the hunted fawn.

  “Was Tuppy after you?” I asked sympathetically.

  What I believe is called afrissonshook him.

  “He nearly got me on the top landing. I shinned out through a passage window and scrambled along a sort of ledge.”

  “That baffled him, what?”

  “Yes. But then I found I had stuck. The roof sloped down in all directions. I couldn't go back. I had to go on, crawling along this ledge. And then I found myself looking down the skylight. Who was that chap?”

  “That was Anatole, Aunt Dahlia's chef.”

  “French?”

  “To the core.”

  “That explains why I couldn't make him understand. What asses these Frenchmen are. They don't seem able to grasp the simplest thing. You'd have thought if a chap saw a chap on a skylight, the chap would realize the chap wanted to be let in. But no, he just stood there.”

  “Waving a few fists.”

  “Yes. Silly idiot. Still, here I am.”

  “Here you are, yes—for the moment.”

  “Eh?”

  “I was thinking that Tuppy is probably lurking somewhere.”

  He leaped like a lamb in springtime.

  “What shall I do?”

  I considered this.

  “Sneak back to your room and barricade the door. That is the manly policy.”

  “Suppose that's where he's lurking?”

  “In that case, move elsewhere.”

  But on arrival at the room, it transpired that Tuppy, if anywhere, was infesting some other portion of the house. Gussie shot in, and I heard the key turn. And feeling that there was no more that I could do in that quarter, I returned to the dining-room for further fruit salad and a quiet think. And I had barely filled my plate when the door opened and Aunt Dahlia came in. She sank into a chair, looking a bit shopworn.

  “Give me a drink, Bertie.”

  “What sort?”

  “Any sort, so long as it's strong.”

  Approach Bertram Wooster along these lines, and you catch him at his best. St. Bernard dogs doing the square thing by Alpine travellers could not have bustled about more assiduously. I filled the order, and for some moments nothing was to be heard but the sloshing sound of an aunt restoring her tissues.

  “Shove it down, Aunt Dahlia,” I said sympathetically. “These things take it out of one, don't they? You've had a toughish time, no doubt, soothing Anatole,” I proceeded, helping myself to anchovy paste on toast. “Everything pretty smooth now, I trust?”

  She gazed at me in a long, lingering sort of way, her brow wrinkled as if in thought.

  “Attila,” she said at length. “That's the name. Attila, the Hun.”

  “Eh?”

  “I was trying to think who you reminded me of. Somebody who went about strewing ruin and desolation and breaking up homes which, until he came along, had been happy and peaceful. Attila is the man. It's amazing.” she said, drinking me in once more. “To look at you, one would think you were just an ordinary sort of amiable idiot—certifiable, perhaps, but quite harmless. Yet, in reality, you are worse a scourge than the Black Death. I tell you, Bertie, when I contemplate you I seem to come up against all the underlying sorrow and horror of life with such a thud that I feel as if I had walked into a lamp post.”

  Pained and surprised, I would have spoken, but the stuff I had thought was anchovy paste had turned out to be something far more gooey and adhesive. It seemed to wrap itself round the tongue and impede utterance like a gag. And while I was still endeavouring to clear the vocal cords for action, she went on:

  “Do you realize what you started when you sent that Spink-Bottle man down here? As regards his getting blotto and turning the prize-giving ceremonies at Market Snodsbury Grammar School into a sort of two-reel comic film, I will say nothing, for frankly I enjoyed it. But when he comes leering at Anatole through skylights, just after I had with infinite pains and tact induced him to withdraw his notice, and makes him so temperamental that he won't hear of staying on after tomorrow—”

  The paste stuff gave way. I was able to speak:

  “What?”

  “Yes, Anatole goes tomorrow, and I suppose poor old Tom will have indigestion for the rest of his life. And that is not all. I have just seen Angela, and she tells me she is engaged to this Bottle.”

  “Temporarily, yes,” I had to admit.

  “Temporarily be blowed. She's definitely engaged to him and talks with a sort of hideous coolness of getting married in October. So there it is. If the prophet Job were to walk into the room at this moment, I could sit swapping hard-luck stories with him till bedtime. Not that Job was in my class.”

  “He had boils.”

  “Well, what are boils?”

  “Dashed painful, I understand.”

  “Nonsense. I'd take all the boils on the market in exchange for my troubles. Can't you realize the position? I've lost the best cook to England. My husband, poor soul, will probably die of dyspepsia. And my only daughter, for whom I had dreamed such a wonderful future, is engaged to be married to an inebriated newt fancier. And you talk about boils!”

  I corrected her on a small point:

  “I don't absolutely talk about boils. I merely mentioned that Job had them. Yes, I agree with you, Aunt Dahlia, that things are not looking too oojah-cum-spiff at the moment, but be of good cheer. A Wooster is seldom baffled for more than the nonce.”

  “You rather expect to be coming along shortly with another of your schemes?”

  “At any minute.”

  She sighed resignedly.

  “I thought as much. Well, it needed but this. I don't see how things could possibly be worse than they are, but no doubt you will succeed in making them so. Your genius and insight will find the way. Carry on, Bertie. Yes, carry on. I am past caring now. I shall even find a faint interest in seeing into what darker and profounder abysses of hell you can plunge this home. Go to it, lad.... What's that stuff you're eating?”

  “I find it a little difficult to classify. Some sort of paste on toast. Rather like glue flavoured with beef extract.”

  “Gimme,” said Aunt Dahlia listlessly.

  “Be careful how you chew,” I advised. “It sticketh closer than a brother.... Yes, Jeeves?”

  The man had materialized on the carpet. Absolutely noiseless, as usual.

  “A note for you, sir.”

  “A note for me, Jeeves?”

  “A note for you, sir.”

  “From whom, Jeeves?”

  “From Miss Bassett, sir.”

  “From whom, Jeeves?”

  “From Miss Bassett, sir.”

  “From Miss Bassett, Jeeves?”

  “From Miss Bassett, sir.”

  At this point, Aunt Dahlia, who had taken one nibble at her whatever-it-was-on-toast and laid it down, begged us—a little fretfully, I tho
ught—for heaven's sake to cut out the cross-talk vaudeville stuff, as she had enough to bear already without having to listen to us doing our imitation of the Two Macs. Always willing to oblige, I dismissed Jeeves with a nod, and he flickered for a moment and was gone. Many a spectre would have been less slippy.

  “But what,” I mused, toying with the envelope, “can this female be writing to me about?”

  “Why not open the damn thing and see?”

  “A very excellent idea,” I said, and did so.

  “And if you are interested in my movements,” proceeded Aunt Dahlia, heading for the door, “I propose to go to my room, do some Yogi deep breathing, and try to forget.”

  “Quite,” I said absently, skimming p. l. And then, as I turned over, a sharp howl broke from my lips, causing Aunt Dahlia to shy like a startled mustang.

  “Don't do it!” she exclaimed, quivering in every limb.

  “Yes, but dash it—”

  “What a pest you are, you miserable object,” she sighed. “I remember years ago, when you were in your cradle, being left alone with you one day and you nearly swallowed your rubber comforter and started turning purple. And I, ass that I was, took it out and saved your life. Let me tell you, young Bertie, it will go very hard with you if you ever swallow a rubber comforter again when only I am by to aid.”

  “But, dash it!” I cried. “Do you know what's happened? Madeline Bassett says she's going to marry me!”

  “I hope it keeps fine for you,” said the relative, and passed from the room looking like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story.

  -21-

  I don't suppose I was looking so dashed unlike something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story myself, for, as you can readily imagine, the news item which I have just recorded had got in amongst me properly. If the Bassett, in the belief that the Wooster heart had long been hers and was waiting ready to be scooped in on demand, had decided to take up her option, I should, as a man of honour and sensibility, have no choice but to come across and kick in. The matter was obviously not one that could be straightened out with a curtnolle prosequi. All the evidence, therefore, seemed to point to the fact that the doom had come upon me and, what was more, had come to stay.

  And yet, though it would be idle to pretend that my grip on the situation was quite the grip I would have liked it to be, I did not despair of arriving at a solution. A lesser man, caught in this awful snare, would no doubt have thrown in the towel at once and ceased to struggle; but the whole point about the Woosters is that they are not lesser men.

  By way of a start, I read the note again. Not that I had any hope that a second perusal would enable me to place a different construction on its contents, but it helped to fill in while the brain was limbering up. I then, to assist thought, had another go at the fruit salad, and in addition ate a slice of sponge cake. And it was as I passed on to the cheese that the machinery started working. I saw what had to be done.

  To the question which had been exercising the mind—viz., can Bertram cope?—I was now able to reply with a confident “Absolutely.”

  The great wheeze on these occasions of dirty work at the crossroads is not to lose your head but to keep cool and try to find the ringleaders. Once find the ringleaders, and you know where you are.

  The ringleader here was plainly the Bassett. It was she who had started the whole imbroglio by chucking Gussie, and it was clear that before anything could be done to solve and clarify, she must be induced to revise her views and take him on again. This would put Angela back into circulation, and that would cause Tuppy to simmer down a bit, and then we could begin to get somewhere.

  I decided that as soon as I had had another morsel of cheese I would seek this Bassett out and be pretty eloquent.

  And at this moment in she came. I might have foreseen that she would be turning up shortly. I mean to say, hearts may ache, but if they know that there is a cold collation set out in the dining-room, they are pretty sure to come popping in sooner or later.

  Her eyes, as she entered the room, were fixed on the salmon mayonnaise, and she would no doubt have made a bee-line for it and started getting hers, had I not, in the emotion of seeing her, dropped a glass of the best with which I was endeavouring to bring about a calmer frame of mind. The noise caused her to turn, and for an instant embarrassment supervened. A slight flush mantled the cheek, and the eyes popped a bit.

  “Oh!” she said.

  I have always found that there is nothing that helps to ease you over one of these awkward moments like a spot of stage business. Find something to do with your hands, and it's half the battle. I grabbed a plate and hastened forward.

  “A touch of salmon?”

  “Thank you.”

  “With a suspicion of salad?”

  “If you please.”

  “And to drink? Name the poison.”

  “I think I would like a little orange juice.”

  She gave a gulp. Not at the orange juice, I don't mean, because she hadn't got it yet, but at all the tender associations those two words provoked. It was as if someone had mentioned spaghetti to the relict of an Italian organ-grinder. Her face flushed a deeper shade, she registered anguish, and I saw that it was no longer within the sphere of practical politics to try to confine the conversation to neutral topics like cold boiled salmon.

  So did she, I imagine, for when I, as a preliminary to getting down to brass tacks, said “Er,” she said “Er,” too, simultaneously, the brace of “Ers” clashing in mid-air.

  “I'm sorry.”

  “I beg your pardon.”

  “You were saying—”

  “You were saying—”

  “No, please go on.”

  “Oh, right-ho.”

  I straightened the tie, my habit when in this girl's society, and had at it:

  “With reference to yours of even date—”

  She flushed again, and took a rather strained forkful of salmon.

  “You got my note?”

  “Yes, I got your note.”

  “I gave it to Jeeves to give it to you.”

  “Yes, he gave it to me. That's how I got it.”

  There was another silence. And as she was plainly shrinking from talking turkey, I was reluctantly compelled to do so. I mean, somebody had got to. Too dashed silly, a male and female in our position simply standing eating salmon and cheese at one another without a word.

  “Yes, I got it all right.”

  “I see. You got it.”

  “Yes, I got it. I've just been reading it. And what I was rather wanting to ask you, if we happened to run into each other, was—well, what about it?”

  “What about it?”

  “That's what I say: What about it?”

  “But it was quite clear.”

  “Oh, quite. Perfectly clear. Very well expressed and all that. But—I mean—Well, I mean, deeply sensible of the honour, and so forth—but—Well, dash it!”

  She had polished off her salmon, and now put the plate down.

  “Fruit salad?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Spot of pie?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “One of those glue things on toast?”

  “No, thank you.”

  She took a cheese straw. I found a cold egg which I had overlooked. Then I said “I mean to say” just as she said “I think I know", and there was another collision.

  “I beg your pardon.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “Do go on.”

  “No, you go on.”

  I waved my cold egg courteously, to indicate that she had the floor, and she started again:

  “I think I know what you are trying to say. You are surprised.”

  “Yes.”

  “You are thinking of—”

  “Exactly.”

  “—Mr. Fink-Nottle.”

  “The very man.”

  “You find what I have done hard to understand.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “I do
n't wonder.”

  “I do.”

  “And yet it is quite simple.”

  She took another cheese straw. She seemed to like cheese straws.

  “Quite simple, really. I want to make you happy.”

  “Dashed decent of you.”

  “I am going to devote the rest of my life to making you happy.”

  “A very matey scheme.”

  “I can at least do that. But—may I be quite frank with you, Bertie?”

  “Oh, rather.”

  “Then I must tell you this. I am fond of you. I will marry you. I will do my best to make you a good wife. But my affection for you can never be the flamelike passion I felt for Augustus.”

  “Just the very point I was working round to. There, as you say, is the snag. Why not chuck the whole idea of hitching up with me? Wash it out altogether. I mean, if you love old Gussie—”

  “No longer.”

  “Oh, come.”

  “No. What happened this afternoon has killed my love. A smear of ugliness has been drawn across a thing of beauty, and I can never feel towards him as I did.”

  I saw what she meant, of course. Gussie had bunged his heart at her feet; she had picked it up, and, almost immediately after doing so, had discovered that he had been stewed to the eyebrows all the time. The shock must have been severe. No girl likes to feel that a chap has got to be thoroughly plastered before he can ask her to marry him. It wounds the pride.

  Nevertheless, I persevered.

  “But have you considered,” I said, “that you may have got a wrong line on Gussie's performance this afternoon? Admitted that all the evidence points to a more sinister theory, what price him simply having got a touch of the sun? Chaps do get touches of the sun, you know, especially when the weather's hot.”

  She looked at me, and I saw that she was putting in a bit of the old drenched-irises stuff.

  “It was like you to say that, Bertie. I respect you for it.”

  “Oh, no.”

  “Yes. You have a splendid, chivalrous soul.”

  “Not a bit.”