by Anthology
I chose to tell the truth, because there was something about Logan that spoke to me, that made me feel like I could divulge anything my heart desired, that told me he would not judge me, no matter my answer. I swallowed, even though my throat had gone dry as the desert. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to talk, but I couldn’t bring myself to look in Logan’s eyes. My voice was soft. “No, Brendan hasn’t brought me to orgasm—but I care very deeply for him, so I’m not going to hold that against him.” At last, I was able to raise my eyes to meet his.
“I know, honey, and I think that’s noble. Loyalty like that is hard to find. I understand, and I don’t want to ruin your relationship with him or cause you to question the way you feel about him. I know he cares for you, too. But I—let me put it this way. I understand that you want to maintain your relationship and I encourage it, because Brendan is a good kid and he needs a good woman like you in his life.”
The word woman reverberated in my brainpan. It felt foreign—even though it was mostly true. Turning eighteen and mostly taking care of myself by myself on a daily basis ensured me I was, in fact, a woman, but I felt like a pretender, like I didn’t actually know what I was doing in that department.
But there was something else. Being called an adult female also caused a surge of naughtiness to course through my every nerve. It wouldn’t have happened if, say, Brendan had called me that or even my mother or a teacher.
It was because Logan had called me that.
While these thoughts continued to swirl around my head, he continued. “And I know that about you. The first day he brought you home, I sensed your innate kindness and compassion, and on some levels, I think you’re perfect for Brendan.” Logan sucked a deep breath into his lungs, and it seemed like something clouded his eyes. “But I also know that Brendan isn’t looking at you the way you’d hoped—and I also know that you have needs. I suppose what I’m saying is that if you have those needs and don’t feel like you’re satisfied, you might consider looking elsewhere.”
I could feel my heart pushing the blood through my veins as if I were running a race, and the pounding of my pulse was like a drumbeat in my ears. What was he saying? Was he saying what I thought he was saying? And, if so, I didn’t think I could even dream of doing that to Brendan, even though my brain had been flirting with the idea.
But he kept talking. “I have a solution, but I don’t want you to decide today. I want—” Suddenly, it was as if he’d been struck mute, as though the gods had ripped out his tongue and taken away his gift of speech. He lowered his head and shook it. “No, I can’t. I can’t do this.”
Confusion gripped me like a vice. “What?”
He looked up at me, his brows furrowed. “I can’t, Briana.”
My voice sounded firmer in my ears than it normally was, and I placed my hand on his. “Logan, I really want to know what you were going to say.”
He shifted his gaze to my lips and then back to my eyes, making me question everything I thought I knew about this man. And then, while his eyes were drifting back up to mine, the look he gave me made me melt and freeze in the same moment.
Still, he was quiet, as if deep in inner thought—or turmoil. He seemed to be searching his mind or soul for an answer that remained elusive, but he finally spoke. “Briana,” he said, turning his hand over so that he could hold mine in his, “my feelings for you are entirely inappropriate. The basest part of me wants to make love to you, no matter the repercussions.” His blue eyes seemed darker somehow, and I was mesmerized by the passion I saw in them. “I want to make you come so hard that the walls don’t stop shaking, where your knees buckle and your legs feel so much like jelly that you doubt you’ll ever walk again.” My entire body responded to his words, every nerve standing at attention. Then, with unexpected sweetness, he touched my chin with the finger of his other hand. “I get the feeling that you’ve never had an orgasm at all or, if you have, it’s been brought about entirely of your own doing.” He took a deep breath, one that seemed difficult, and his features seemed twisted by internal torment. “I want you—but I know it’s wrong. So I’m sorry I had you come here tonight.”
“But you didn’t, Logan. This was my idea.”
He rested his forehead in the palm of his hand and I almost had to strain to hear his words. “I can’t tell you what to do, of course, but I hope you won’t tell Brendan about my inappropriate behavior. As you know, he and I haven’t always had the best relationship and I don’t want to make it worse.” Finally, he looked at me again, a look of sadness in his eyes. “I’d appreciate it if you kept this to yourself.”
I was shell shocked, for lack of a better word, just as much as I’d been intrigued, but I felt like I needed to go home. I wasn’t going to throw myself at someone who didn’t want me, especially someone I shouldn’t have even been considering anyway.
Well, he said he wanted me, but he was rejecting me just the same.
As I walked home in the heat of late afternoon, I thought some of calling Chelsea. But she was in the middle of her own new (even if it was temporary) relationship, and I didn’t think she’d understand. Even if Logan weren’t the father of my boyfriend, he was twice my age. Talking to Chelsea about it would be awkward, weird, and embarrassing—and I didn’t think my friend would understand what had been going on in my head this whole time. She’d likely chastise me for even considering cheating on Brendan—and rightfully so.
I wished I had the kind of mom I could talk to about it.
But no fricking way was I talking to her.
I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t stop thinking about Logan.
I lay in bed that night, once more tossing and turning, consumed with thoughts that wouldn’t leave my skull. My mind especially latched onto how he’d said if I’d ever had an orgasm, it was probably self-induced. I’d touched myself before but I’d never been successful in bringing about any sort of strong reaction from my body. In fact, I thought it just made me more frustrated.
I was probably one of those girls who just couldn’t experience orgasm.
But having that strange, uncomfortable talk with Logan had made my mind go there once more. Maybe I’d only been considering him out of that frustration. If I could make myself come, then Brendan wouldn’t have to worry about it when we did become sexually active. And I’d probably be less inclined to push the matter if I felt satisfied.
I was already in the mood that evening. I’d been on the verge for days now. So I kind of played with my nipples and that felt good, tantalizing, enough that I slipped my finger between my legs. But after giving it a go for a while, I gave up again. Not much was happening except that I felt even more on edge and desperate for relief. I finally rolled on my side, pounded my pillow a little harder than needed to fluff it, and concentrated on going to sleep.
It took a while.
I woke up feeling exhausted, even though I slept past noon. School didn’t start for another two weeks, so I didn’t care.
Why was Logan still weighing so heavily on my mind? I couldn’t get him out of that space. Something in my head reminded me that I had his cell number.
I was in agony. I felt like I’d already cheated on Brendan even though I hadn’t.
Yet.
That was the problem. God, I really wanted to—and even though Logan seemed reluctant, he’d been the one to make me think about it initially. I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him.
I couldn’t stop thinking about fucking him.
More than once, I picked up my phone, considering sending him a text, but I stopped myself every time, because even if I could get him to agree to something, I was sure he’d change his mind, just like he seemed to last night.
My mind drifted back to my childhood. I remembered my mom getting ready for a date, and she was talking to me like I was a girlfriend or something. Or maybe she thought she was giving me advice I could use. While rolling fishnet stockings up her legs, she’d said, “Honey, men talk a good game, but i
f you offer them a gift they can’t refuse, they’ll take it.” I hadn’t understood that then, but it seemed so clear to me now.
I had to make him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
I had to be a slut.
Fortunately, I’d seen my mom do that most of my life. I knew how it worked, and I’d seen a boyfriend or two of hers paw her upon arrival because of the way she’d presented her wares.
I dug through my dresser drawers and found the shortest shorts I owned. My butt cheeks didn’t hang out of them—but it came close. The shorts were black and hugged me all the way around. Then I found a white tank that clung to every curve I had and the top of my frilly pink bra peeked out of the top. Assessing myself in the mirror, I figured I looked pretty good so far. Irresistible was what I was aiming for. I couldn’t find shoes that I wanted to wear, even though I had some cute flipflops, but I snuck in my mom’s room since she wasn’t home for the moment and found a pair of white low-heeled sandals that fit and showed off my hot pink toenails. I smoothed lotion on my legs and then put on my makeup heavier than usual before adding curls to my normally straight hair.
I looked perfect.
It was overcast this afternoon and looked like it might rain later. For the moment, it had simply cooled the oppressive August heat we’d been experiencing. I felt like running to Logan’s house but tried to match the weather by staying calm and cool.
When I got to his two-story brick house and rang the bell, I then realized what a foolish move I’d made. I had no idea when he would be home. Fall classes hadn’t started at the college yet so he didn’t have a set schedule, but I knew he did a lot of planning at his office on campus. Maybe I should have texted him after all.
But he answered the door several seconds later, putting me out of my misery. I could tell by the look on his face, the way his eyes all but popped out of his skull, that I’d hit the mark.
It was going to be hard for him to say no.
At least I could say good ol’ mom had taught me something.
“Briana?”
Before he could ask or say anything more, I blurted out, “I just want five minutes to talk.”
He let me in but stood in the entryway. That was fine. He and I both knew what was on the line and he was trying to resist. I should have been trying, too, but his will was stronger than mine, and I could sense his reluctance.
So I just blurted out what was on my mind. “I want to…be with you, Logan.” I didn’t have the guts to say I wanted to make love with him or, honestly, fuck him. But he understood perfectly. “You know I love Brendan, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And now I think I just need to get you out of my system, out of my mind.”
Oh, my God. Had I really just said that out loud? Had I really thrown myself at him like that?
I guessed I was my mother after all.
I had no idea what to expect. “Oh, honey,” he said, his voice low. As he pulled me into his chest, much like I imagined a father would his daughter, he held me close. With my ear resting on his pec, I could hear the thudding of his heart. “I…I don’t think I can tell you no anymore.”
Could I trust my ears? Had I heard him right?
I knew I had, so I pulled back enough to look him in the eye. “But there’s something I need to tell you first.”
His eyes examined mine—serious and inquisitive. “Then come sit down. I think we need to have a conversation.”
CHAPTER FIVE
My fingers were tingling, my breathing shallow as Logan led me to the living room sofa. He sat next to me and looked at me with patience and understanding. I could feel the heat of his body, even in that cool space, and I knew now that I wanted this man more than I’d ever wanted anything else in my life.
He took my hands in his, reminding me that this was really happening.
And now was the time for truth.
I blinked and, after sucking down as deep a breath as I could manage, I said, “I’m…um, I’m a virgin.”
He was quiet but his eyes were searching mine for truth. His silence made me question why I’d told him, and I knew then that he was probably going to rebuff me. After a few more seconds, he said, “You’re serious.” I nodded my head in response. “How did that happen?” I started trying to answer but he interrupted. “You’re telling me you and Brendan have never consummated your relationship?”
“Right.”
Logan muttered, “Not that I’m completely surprised…” I didn’t know what he meant exactly, but I didn’t care at the moment, either. “Oh, my God. Wow.” He was looking down at my hands in his before saying, “I can’t do it, Briana. I can’t be your first time. I can’t take your flower of womanhood away from you.”
“I don’t want to wait anymore. I could instead lose it to some stupid guy in my class who’ll tell Brendan. Would you prefer that?”
“No.”
“What about some sleazy stranger who might give me a nasty disease?”
“Of course not.”
I wracked my brains, trying to come up with another compelling example. “Or I could sell—”
“Okay, okay.”
Had he just agreed?
“Really?”
He nodded. “Yes, okay. But…it’s not going to happen tonight.”
Now I was sure that was his way of blowing me off. Get my hopes up; send me home; turn me down later. But I wasn’t going to give up that easily. His hands were still holding mine, so I wrapped my small hands around one of his larger ones and lifted it to my breast, hoping to tempt him. I wasn’t sure where the sudden courage was coming from, but I was running with it. “I don’t want to wait, Logan. I want to feel your hands all over my body.” I followed that up with a line I’d heard in the movies. “I want to feel you inside me.”
At first, he didn’t respond, but his eyes were closed. I was under the impression that this felt like agony to him. Good. Maybe then he’d give in to my demands.
“No, Briana,” he said, once more taking my hands in his. “It can’t happen tonight. You seem disappointed, and I get that, but if we’re going to do this, it should be special.” I was listening, wondering—hoping and praying—he wasn’t just shining me on to get rid of me. “You only lose your virginity once and I want it to be something you look back on fondly.”
Fair enough.
“I’ll let you pick the night you want it to be—but I want it to be a special time for you. A woman’s first time—hell, even a man’s first time—is something you’ll never forget.” He lifted a hand to stroke my cheek. “And I’m honored that you chose me.”
“Don’t be disappointed in Brendan,” I said, even though I’d been time and time again when he’d put me off. “He was waiting for me—or at least that’s what he says.”
“That may be, but—well, let me just say I’m not completely surprised.” Logan had said that before, too. Did Brendan have some horrible secret? Maybe he’d been molested as a child or something? “So text me or call. This Friday or Saturday night would work well for me.” Holy crap. This was really happening. “What about your mom?”
That question sounded like a car slamming on its brakes. “What about her?”
“I just thought—I don’t know. What I’m doing is wrong, Briana, so your mother naturally came to mind.”
“It’s not wrong.” Well, not as far as the law went. Morally, though, I’d be cheating on my boyfriend, his son. But I pushed through with my argument. “I’m eighteen years old. I’m technically an adult and I can make my own decisions, with or without my mom who frankly doesn’t give a shit anyway.”
His face still had a tortured look, but he said, “I want you to think about this long and hard—and then tell me when. But I don’t want you stepping into this lightly. If we do this, there’s no turning back. It’s not something we can undo.”
I could tell that Logan was struggling with this more than I.
But I promised him I would give it more thought, and that was what I did. I mulle
d it over for the rest of that night and the next day. Fortunately, part of my reflection was interrupted by a call from Chelsea. “Hey, Bree. You surviving without Brendan?”
Oh, God. I wanted to tell her why I wasn’t just surviving but thriving; I hadn’t thought about him the way a girlfriend would. Instead of divulging anything to Chelsea, though, I deflected her attention. “I’m fine. What have you been up to since I saw you last?”
“Oh, crap! Seth and I are going out again! I had no idea we’d be so compatible, but we have so much in common.” She started telling me about their date and what a great kisser he was—and, I’ll be honest, I felt a pang of jealousy. I knew that was wrong, because Brendan loved me in his own way. And then I realized, while Chelsea continued talking, that I was kind of going through a new relationship like she was, but mine was illicit. As much as I wanted to tell Chelsea, I couldn’t.
Ever.
I didn’t want her judging me or, worse yet, telling me all the reasons why I shouldn’t go through with my plan to be with Logan. I already knew all those reasons, but I couldn’t get the idea of that man out of my mind. And I was on the verge of talking myself out of it anyway. I didn’t need her help.
“I know this sounds sudden, but…I think I’m falling in love with him.”
“What? Chels, are you serious?”
“Yeah. I know, but I can’t help it. Honestly, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I just don’t know what’s going to happen when he goes to college. But know what? We’ll figure it out.” I was silent for a bit, trying to think of what to say, but I was probably the last person on earth qualified to give my friend advice. Then she said, “I think—” She giggled before continuing. “I think I’d be willing to give up my V card for that guy.”
“After one date?” And I’d been afraid my friend would be judging me.
