Hell, Fire & Freedom (Fighting for Freedom)

by Callahan, Shannon

  “Of course I did. I remember everything about you,” he says, leaning in to breathe the last few words in my ear. I feel it in my knees and a stirring low in my belly. I blush what I’m guessing is a deep crimson and decide to start walking into the school and toward the pool before he notices.

  We take our seats in silence near the top of the stands. The pool is still relatively empty—the swimmers haven’t even begun warming up yet.

  “So you used to swim?” I ask to break the silence.

  “Yeah, I was all right. Not Olympic material or anything, but I had a lot of fun with it. I hope Marie loves it as much as I did,” he says, looking as though he’s replaying bits and pieces in his mind.

  “I’m sure you were great.” I mean look at you, I think to myself.

  Only I didn’t think it … I must have said it out loud because he starts chuckling.

  “Yeah, I’ve always been pretty competitive. My dad instilled that in me, I guess. He used to get up with me at dawn from the time I really started getting into sports and go running with me. He was one of the busiest guys ever when he was starting his company, but he still always managed to put us first.

  After Mom died, he was pretty absent for a few months, but I couldn’t blame him. I knew he’d come back, and he did. He was everything I want to be,” he says somberly. His eyes are cast to the floor again, and I can tell he’s fighting back his emotions. I’ve done it enough to spot it easily.

  “He sounds like a really great father and role model.”

  “Yeah, what about your parents? I’m sure they were pretty great, too,” he says.

  I begin to panic and wonder if I should lie to avoid the awkward conversation. I would really rather him not know that I’m white trash—that my dad never cared to know me or that my mom never cared, even though she was physically there. I look up at him staring back at me with those beautiful green eyes of his, and decide to just tell the truth, because I have nothing to lose. If he runs now, it’s probably for the best anyway.

  “I’ve never met my dad. I’m sure he wasn’t that great, though. My ma, she’s dying. She’s an alcoholic and needs a liver transplant, but it’s probably not going to happen,” I say cautiously. I watch his eyes for signs of disgust, or even pity, but I find none.

  “That’s too bad; you’re an incredible woman in spite of them,” he says, brushing a finger down my cheekbone. I shiver at the contact.

  “Thanks,” I say shyly.

  “I’m sorry about earlier. I should never have come into your place of work in the state I was in. My buddy tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen. I probably should have, but then I wouldn’t be sitting here with you now,” he says sincerely.

  I feel like I’m about to pass out. My heart warms, and I give him a little smile. Keeping my heart out of this friendship is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

  “I’m glad you came, too,” I whisper.

  We sit in silence while the swimmers enter the pool and begin warming up. I watch as Marie swims from one end of the pool to the other, gracefully.

  “Where did she learn to swim like that? She’s great,” Blaze asks.

  “We used to go swimming in the lake near our house in the summer,” I tell him. I don’t mention that it’s mainly because we had no air conditioning, let alone water to shower sometimes.

  “Aha! So you’re not from New York?”

  “No, we’re not,” I say, not elaborating any further.

  “I didn’t think so. You’re missing the New York accent, and I saw you with your suitcase the first few times we met,” he says.

  I nod, not knowing if that’s a good or bad thing, but starting to feel a little self-conscious anyway.

  “Brynn?” he asks apprehensively.

  “Yeah?”

  “I hope I’m not prying here, but I just have to ask you one question. I won’t ask any details, though, until you’re ready to tell me,” he says nervously, which makes me even more anxious. I’m not ready to divulge my past to him yet, so I hoping it’s not about that. The way he’s looking at me, though, doesn’t give me much hope.

  I clear my throat, before croaking out, “Okay.”

  He hesitates momentarily as if searching for the right words.

  “Are you safe? I mean, shit, those bruises when I first saw you and then when I bumped into you … you were terrified of me, Brynn. I promise I’m not intruding. I just need to know that nothing is going to happen to you. Tell me you’re a professional roller derby girl and get banged up a lot, and I’ll get off your back, promise,” he says, forcing a nervous laugh.

  I freeze as a thousand thoughts and worries come pouring into my mind. What the hell am I going to tell him? I slipped and fell? I’m a professional boxer (ha!), I had one too many and attempted the rodeo bull? Come on, Brynn, none of that explains why I was shaking in my boots. I look down and notice that the meet is starting. I can’t just up and leave—I’d miss seeing Marie swim.

  “I’m fine, really,” I say, keeping my eyes cast to the floor.

  “Brynn, please. You don’t need to lie to me; I just want to help you,” he says, hitting that weak, insecure spot of mine.

  “Is that what this is? You pity me? You feel like you have some duty to save me?” I cry out, tears now forming in my eyes. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe that maybe he actually liked me. “I completely understand now, so let me spare you the effort. I’m fine, I don’t need you, or your help, so please, find someone else to save, because I’m doing just great on my own,” I say with as much venom as I can.

  I jump up and run toward the girl’s bathroom, hoping he didn’t see how much he hurt me. I hear him calling for me to wait, but I keep running until I reach the doors. Luckily it’s empty and I rush into a stall and lock myself inside. This is what I get for getting too involved. I’m not even divorced yet for crying out loud. I’m just over a month out on my own, and already I’m being interrogated by another man.

  My face is cold, and I realize that I’m crying. I can’t believe it. Five long years with Carl, and I barely ever cried. I’m not even dating Blaze, and this happens already? This can’t be a good sign.

  I leave the stall and walk up to the sinks, splashing cold water on my face. I look into the mirror. Blood shot eyes are staring back at me, but at least my makeup isn’t ridiculous. I dab my face dry with paper towel as another woman comes in and enters a stall. I don’t want to stand around listening to the woman use the loo, so I walk out into the hallway, praying he gave up and went home.

  Fat chance.

  He’s leaning up against the lockers, opposite the bathroom. He looks about as angry as I am, but it doesn’t stop my body from noticing how sexy he looks standing like that.

  “Brynn, I swear that’s not the reason I’ve been coming to the café to see you, or the reason I came here tonight. Have I wanted to ask if you were all right since the moment I first saw your bruised face and how frightened you were? Of course! How could I not? If I didn’t want to be with you, though, I would have pulled you aside right then and there and asked if there was anything I could do to help you.

  That’s not the case, though. I’ve been struggling with this for weeks, just praying you were okay and thinking how much I would hate myself if something ever happened to you. You’re the person I think of every morning when I wake up, and that’s not because I pity you. That’s because you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I mean that in every sense of the word.” He comes over and holds both of my hands in his. The damn tears are back, and I’m starting to hate these foolish emotions. It was almost easier to be numb.

  “Blaze, I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I promise you, I’ve taken every step possible to ensure that nothing like that ever happens to Marie or me again. I think you’re incredibly kind, but I just don’t think I’m ready for this. I’m overwhelmed and embarrassed right now. I just want to be alone. I know you need support right now with your dad, and
I ended up making the whole night about me. I’m sorry,” I say quietly, my heart breaking more and more with each word I choke out.

  “Fuck, Brynn,” Blaze says, looking hurt and angry. “I get that you probably just came out of a relationship with a dickhead, and here I am being one to you, too. I’ll give you space, but I’m not fucking giving up. I know there’s something here, and I know you feel it, too,” he says before leaning in and kissing my forehead with his soft lips. I momentarily lose all sanity and wish it had been my lips instead. I can’t imagine how good they would feel pressed against mine.

  “Take care of yourself; I’ll see you around,” he says, slowly letting go of my hands. I nod and watch him walk away, wondering how in the hell tonight managed to play out the way it did.

  I rush back into the bathroom and splash my face again before making my way back to the pool just in time to see Marie swim. She’s absolutely incredible and finishes third overall. We celebrate with some mint chocolate chip ice cream cones from the corner store on the way home. Luckily, she doesn’t ask where Blaze went.

  ~

  I walk into work the morning after the disastrous ‘date,’ not sure whether or not I want to see Blaze. When he doesn’t show, though, I can’t help but feel disappointed. I walk to Marie’s school to pick her up, feeling a little somber.

  “So, I didn’t want to ask last night, but what happened with Blaze?” Marie asks as we start walking back toward the apartment.

  “Things just didn’t work out. He started asking too many questions that I’m just not ready to answer. It’s for the best, though. I mean, I’m not even technically divorced yet. Plus, have you seen him? A girl like me can’t hold his attention for very long,” I say feeling sorry for myself. I instantly regret saying any of that to Marie, but she’s all I’ve got besides my therapist.

  “Brynn, we’re not doing this!” she huffs, annoyed. She steps to the edge of the sidewalk and hails a taxi.

  “Get in,” she commands. I give her a puzzled look, but she appears to be determined, so I slide into the back seat, and she follows after me.

  “Mall, please,” she tells the taxi driver as we pull away from the curb.

  “Mall?” I ask.

  “Yes! You need to stop letting the way Carl made you feel about yourself run your life. You are beautiful, inside and out. You just need to feel it. I hope you brought money,” she says, and I instantly begin to worry.

  The taxi pulls up to the mall, and I pay him before stepping out. We walk inside, and she immediately pulls me into the salon. I hear her whispering to the receptionist, and I stand there awkwardly, feeling slightly embarrassed.

  “Marie, I’m not so sure this is a good idea …” I start before the receptionist cuts me off.

  “I think it’s a great idea! And how sweet! I’ve got a few stylists free if you’d like,” the receptionist chirps.

  I look to Marie’s hopeful face and decide to just give in and let her have her fun. I’ve kept my hair long, dull and brown since I met Carl. I don’t want to be who he wanted me to be any longer.

  “Only if she agrees to a change, too,” I say with a sudden change of heart.

  “You don’t need to ask me twice,” she says excitedly.

  We spend the next three hours getting our hair foiled, colored, and cut, and our nails filed and painted. I haven’t seen myself yet, so while my nails are drying, I walk into the bathroom and steal a look in the mirror.

  “Holy crap,” I catch myself saying, over and over.

  My hair’s only three inches past my shoulders now. It’s light brown with blonde and light red highlights. The stylist curled it into soft curls that are framing my face, and I have to admit, it looks great against my olive complexion.

  I head back into the salon, searching for Marie, a smile on my face. My jaw drops when I find her. My mini make-over pales in comparison to hers. Her long blonde hair is now cut off into a sleek inverted bob, framing her cheekbones beautifully.

  “Marie, you look fantastic! Oh my gosh, turn around let me see the back,” I squeal.

  She does a confident little spin while I take it all in.

  “I thought it would be easier to get into a swim cap,” she says, nonchalantly. “It’s so light and breezy now.” She runs her fingers through her hair.

  We thank our stylists, and I use the money I earned from my paycheck to pay. It feels great to be able to provide for her. We head into this cute little store and start piling clothes into our arms from the sale racks. After trying them all on in the changing room, we leave with a half dozen new outfits each and a few pairs of shoes for a killer price. I know I have one more stop to make, but I’m dreading it. Especially with my little sister.

  “Why don’t you go on up to the food court, and I’ll meet you there,” I say, hoping she doesn’t see through me. Fortunately, after being in the salon for hours, she doesn’t protest, she’s starving.

  I enter a bra and underwear store feeling pretty lost. I want to ditch everything Carl has ever bought me and, awkwardly enough, that includes my undergarments. I grab a basket and start shopping the sales. I get five new bras and a dozen pairs of lace panties for myself. I grab some new things for Marie, too, guessing her sizes. On the way up to the check-out I spot some cute silk nighties. I grab a royal blue, plum, coral, and a white one. What the hell, nobody else is going to see them, and it can’t hurt to feel good about myself, right? Plus, at ten dollars, they’re even cheaper than the ones I grab for Marie. I say goodbye to most of my paycheck and make my way to the food court in search of my sister.

  I check all of the lines first, thinking I haven’t been gone long, but she’s not in any of those. I make my way through the tables, scanning faces, but she’s not there either. What was I thinking sending her off on her own?

  I turn to full-on panic mode and call out her name. Sweat beads on my forehead, as I play through every possible scenario in my head. What if Carl got her? Could he be here by now? They’re supposed to call me if he breaks any terms, which includes leaving the state. How are they going to know, though? How would they even get a hold of me to tell me—I haven’t been home all day? We should have gone to Canada, he couldn’t get through customs. I look around again, scanning the hundreds of faces, praying I somehow managed to miss her. I wonder if she went into any of the stores. Maybe finished eating early? She has to be here.

  I start running toward the first clothing store when I see her emerge from the bathrooms. I stop right where I am and try to get my breathing under control. She sees me and quickly rushes to my side.

  “Whoa, Brynn! What’s wrong?” she asks, panicked.

  “You … you just … weren’t here. I thought … maybe …” I stutter, dropping my bags and pulling her into a huge hug.

  “I’m fine, Brynn, just had to pee, I swear!” she says reassuringly.

  I start sobbing into her hair before pulling back to search her face and make sure she’s telling the truth. She’s fine, not a mark on her. She just had to pee, and now I’m clearly terrifying her.

  Way to go, Brynn.

  I take a deep breath, wipe my tears, and calm myself as best I can. I notice some curious faces walking past us, but do my best to ignore them. I’m sure they’ve seen stranger things in their lifetimes.

  “I think we need some cell phones; I saw a booth back there,” I say, trying to laugh a little and shake off the horror that I’m still feeling.

  “Sounds like a good idea to me,” Marie agrees.

  We walk to the booth and grab some simple cell phones with texting and calling. For thirty dollars a month, we now have some peace of mind. I’ll also feel better about her walking to school alone in the morning.

  We arrive home after eating supper in the food court and put away our purchases. I wash the dishes and fall into bed, exhausted. Today has been emotionally draining in so many ways, and I’m glad it’s finally over.

  Chapter 9

  The next few weeks fly by. Blaze doesn’t com
e into the café again, and every day I feel more and more like it was a mistake to send him away. There’s nothing that can be done about it now, though. I move on with my life, finding joy in cooking new meals, a task that used to give me anxiety. I get a lot of reading done, and I help Marie study.

  She starts doing better in her swim meets and comes in second place twice. She’s even brought a new friend, Jill, over a few times for supper and to study. I’m just so proud of the woman she’s becoming.

  Ma is still in the hospital waiting on a transplant. She’s becoming weaker by the day, and the doctors advise us to come in and say goodbye soon. I’m saddened by it, but I know it’s going to break Marie’s heart.

  Tara calls and says she has news, so Marie and I head over there after work one day.

  “Brynn! Marie! How are you girls doing? You look fantastic!” Tara croons as we walk through the doors of her office.

  “Thanks, Tara, we’re doing pretty well. We love New York, and I can’t thank you enough for the job at Frothy Moustache; they’ve been so good to me,” I say, accepting her hug.

  “I’m so glad. I knew it would be a perfect fit. What about you, Marie, how are you doing?”

  “Pretty good, thanks. I’m on the swim team at school, and getting better grades than I was back home. Brynn’s pushing me to keep them up. She wants me to go to college, but I’m not sure I’m cut out for it just yet. I don’t want to be a burden on her for another four years either,” she says, and I know she’s just being honest, but it really hurts.

  “Marie, you’re smart, you’re driven, and it would a shame not to go college. It would be an honor to help you through school considering you’re going to have to take care of your old spinster of a sister years down the road anyway,” I say, trying to make light of the situation. I hope she doesn’t see how much it kills me that she still doesn’t feel deserving.

  “You come in here next year, Marie, and we’ll help you fill out all of your applications. Just keep thinking about what you would enjoy doing,” Tara offers. “Now, why don’t you girls have a seat, I have some good news for you,” she says, passing me a stack of stapled papers. “I just got those in this morning. Are you ready for it?” she asks excitedly. I nod.