Defiant Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  Alisha began to toss and turn, fighting off specters in her fuzzy, groggy brain. She fought to pull herself out of the grips of the drugged sleep. Her thoughts were hazy and incoherent and the sounds of the feast were muffled and far away. She felt clammy and sticky, her mouth and throat dry and thick. Her body felt heavy and limp, but her senses light and floating. She was confused and frightened by these weird sensations.

  She struggled to force herself to sit up, to try and clear her foggy mind of the cobwebs. At first, she swayed and reeled as she tried to still her blurred vision into clearer focus. What was wrong with her? Why did she feel so strange? she asked in panic and fear.

  She finally managed to stagger over to the campfire inside her teepee and sit down. She took the mni bag and splashed water over her face and neck and drank from it several times to quench her parched lips and mouth. She cupped water in her palm and rubbed it over her clammy arms and legs. What had caused this weakened condition? Had she had some terrible nightmare but could not recall it? Was she taking ill? Maybe her body and mind had been forced to endure too much for one day and were fighting back. At least she was beginning to feel better now. Her head was clearing and the tremors in her body were fading. Soon, she would be fine.

  She forced her mind to think. The last thing I remember was being at the feast with Wanmdi Hota. We were watching the dancing and listening to the singing and chanting. I recall eating and drinking ... Drinking! That’s it. There must have been something in the drink or food, for right after that I can’t remember a thing. Thank goodness I didn’t like it and poured most of it under the buffalo skin! I wonder what was in the juice. Was it a sleeping potion or poison? Did he want to put me to sleep for one night, or forever? Could I have angered him that much tonight with my actions? Why didn’t he just send me off to bed if he wished to be rid of me for the remainder of the evening?

  Why would he want to drug me? Did he think perhaps I might try to escape during the night? That would be an excellent plan—to escape on the eve of our joining! His loss of face would be immense if his winyan had chosen to flee rather than join with him. What a blow to that arrogant ego of his! She sneered, so, he doesn’t wish to be parted with his trophy again so soon!

  That is, if it was only a sleeping potion.... It was a good thing I poured it into the dirt under the mat when he wasn’t looking or I could be dead now.

  No, Lese. You’ve got to be wrong.... He would do a lot of evil things to you, but kill you? Surely not. Besides, you’d get off much too easy that way! He doesn’t want your death, he wants your total submission.

  How tragic Alisha could not recall the looks, smiles and words of the previous hours, for they could have altered her future suffering. If only she could have noted his nods and expressions of understanding at her words and jokes, or his laughter at her giggling and teasing. If she had seen and recalled these things, she would know the deep, dark secret he had hidden so well from her.

  She was confounded by the flashing warning signals in her mind which made no sense to her. She felt there was something urgent she should recall, something from long ago and far away. It would hover near her mind, then fade like the mist at sunrise, just as she was about to seize it and understand it. For a brief moment, she would almost see the bright warning clearly, then it would shimmer and vanish just as quickly and mysteriously as it had appeared.

  She mentally struggled to grasp this omen, but it was as illusive as fog. It blew across her mind softly, hovered, then disappeared. Knowing a person cannot chase or capture the fog, she dismissed it from her thoughts for a time.

  She wondered just how long she had slept. She could hear the festivities still going on outside from the sounds which reached her ears. It must be late, for the moon had already passed its arc overhead. She was fully awake and clear-headed now.

  She began to recall the events of this fateful day for some clue of his intentions of tonight. So much had taken place in the small span of a day. She began to try to put these events into proper light and perspective, but it all seemed so illusive. Just as she would begin to accept the rapid changes in her existence, there would be more changes, even harder to understand and accept. Each new change would be more confusing and frightening than the one before it.

  It was evident her little ruse tonight hadn’t worked, for after his initial anger, it hadn’t phased him at all. Maybe he saw through it all along and was only taunting her by pretending rage. Perhaps he had been enraged that she would dare to behave that way to him in public. Curse his honor and damn his face! What did it matter except she had lost another battle with him. One day, Sir Nemesis, I will be the victor!

  The more she tried to reason things out in her own mind, the more confusing it all became. How can I hate him for selling and betraying me, when he did not? I recall the last times we were together before Chela ...

  Chela! I had forgotten about her. So, she did not win him after all. He came after me. What will he do about her now? Will he marry both of us as I have heard they do? That would surely make a happy teepee—me, Wanmdi Hota and Chela! How could she share her husband and home, such as it was, with another woman, especially one who is an avowed enemy? How could she live like that?

  She was amazed she not only felt repulsion and anger at such an arrangement, but also jealousy and hurt. How could she feel this way if she did not still love and want him? It would never work ...

  If I only knew his thoughts concerning me, Alisha fretted. If only he would let himself know me as a person. Am I not Indian like he is? That ominous chill swept over her body again! She shivered and let it pass.

  She decided all she could do was wait and see how he chose to threat her this time. She would deal with any trouble later ...

  Alisha trembled just thinking about what she had felt in the cave with Gray Eagle tonight. For a short time there, she had believed he was actually reaching out to her, but she must have been mistaken. How sad! she thought. We could have loved with a love to rival Helen and Paris!

  Alisha could not forget her moments in the cave with Wanmdi Hota, she dreamed, how he held me and kissed me and touched me as one who loves. Things were going so well between us until Wanhinkpe Ska came ... Could it be he was angry for being disturbed and he took that anger out on me? Did that interruption give him the sense to realize it was not the time or place for us to make love? Did he sense my problem and use anger to dispel my mood and the passion between us? How else could he have so quickly and effectively brought my unbridled, wanton emotions under control?

  You’re a fool and dreamer! Lese. To hope for his love would be like hoping to reach into the heavens and gather a handful of stars. Don’t wish for what can never be. Accept what you have. You can never have his heart. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can regain some peace. She shifted and paced restlessly and nervously.

  If only that infernal drumming would stop! It beat within her head, her chest and her veins, crying, run ... run ... run ... run ... She clamped her hands over her ears tightly to shut out the sounds. Her tension and agitation mounted with each passing minute. I’ve got to get out of here. Fresh air and a long walk, that’s what I need.

  She jumped to her feet and went to the flap. She looked out. No one seemed to sense her presence. She slipped around the side of her teepee and walked off between the tents. She walked until she came to Matu’s teepee and halted, staring at it ...

  Something way back in her mind urged her to go inside Matu’s teepee that night. Here was the cause of her being here. Here was the reason for her fragile, new beginning with Wanmdi Hota being destroyed. Here, somewhere, was the key to her fate and destiny. How or why, she did not know. But she knew without a shadow of doubt her life was somehow held in Matu’s grip.

  Matu is the cause of all that has happened to me lately, Alisha realized. If she had not come to Mahpiya Sapa and told him about that akito, then things would be as they were for those two unforgettable days. Why do I still sense danger and fo
reboding each time I see her? If she has fulfilled her role in my destiny, then why do I still have these mystic touches when she is near or in my thoughts? Why do my secret thoughts still warn me about her? What is there to remember that keeps tugging at the edges of my mind? I seem to hear a voice from long ago and far away trying to tell me something very important, but I can’t seem to quite make out its message. But I know I must grasp its meaning, for my fate rides with it. Perhaps there is something here which will help me to hear and know the truth. Perhaps there was a missing clue hidden here, just like the akito had been the missing piece to the other puzzle.

  Alisha did not know where Matu was and it did not really matter to her. She must find what had pulled her here tonight. A small glow from the fireplace lit the teepee with an eerie light and aura. She strolled around, not really knowing what she searched for. She could see or feel nothing which appeared important or urgent to her future. Perplexed, she sat down on the mat by the little fire and began to unknowingly finger through Matu’s work wozuha.

  She suddenly froze and shook violently as cold, unearthly chills ran over her entire body and mind. She knew before she dared to look what her hand held. Horrified, she stared at the objects in her small, cold, trembling hand. She could not seem to move or replace the small bag of ash and the tattooing bone. She nodded her head in disbelief and understanding.

  Matu had been the one to find the akito and tell of its existence. Matu had been the one who had been banished from here because of Shalee’s loss. Had Matu found a way to return home to her people and Mahpiya Sapa? Had she found a way to lighten the pain in the heart of an old chief at his two losses long ago? Was Alisha a pawn for Matu’s revenge, for her return to Mahpiya Sapa’s life? The results of either game could be deadly for Alisha.

  Alarm filled her mind and raced through her body like wildfire. Wildfire! Reality flooded her mind like a storm of water through a broken dam. Wildfire ... that was the key! Her favorite pony as a child ... he had been bitten by a rabid fox and had thrown her. She vividly recalled the incident as if it had happened only yesterday—the cuts and bruises. One particular injury came to mind with terrifying perception.

  She could still see the long tear in her green, velvet riding habit on her left buttock. It had happened when she had struck a sharp, protruding rock when she had fallen. Her mother’s words and voice resounded in her ears and head, “It will be all right, Lese. Don’t cry. I can mend the habit for you. Besides, the scar looks like a little half-moon. We can always laugh and say the Goddess Diana touched you there one night. Then, too, no one will ever see it there, save your husband one day ...”

  Alisha’s head pounded painfully as she tried to stop and suppress these memories from ripping through her mind, shattering these new illusions about who she was. Stop it ... stop it! she screamed to her mind, but it would not be stopped. The floodgates were opened wide and all the truth came rushing forth.

  From the deep, hidden recesses of her mind came the voices of two other people. She covered her ears trying to close out their words, but she could not halt them, for they came from within her own mind. A man’s voice answered, “It appears to be some kind of brand or mark of ownership. Can’t tell for sure.” A woman’s voice asked, “I wonder who put it there of all places and why?” He replied, “I guess those Injuns did it to tell who she belongs to. Could be ‘his’ mark. Hasn’t been there long though. See, the scratches are still red and irritated. You get a wet cloth and see if you can wash some of that ash out before it gets infected.”

  Those two voices ... the Philseys! When she had been unconscious.... Somehow their words had creeped beneath the wall of blackness and reached her inner mind and lodged there.

  Was this the mist she had been trying to grope through? Was this what her mind had thought so urgent to reveal? Were these the memories which had been fighting to surface and warn her? But of what? Of whom?

  She had been right the first time. It was a trick. But whose? She was not Shalee. She was not Mahpiya Sapa’s lost daughter. She was still Alisha, the wasichu and the enemy ...

  She could not marry Wanmdi Hota tomorrow night. And if he knew, he would not marry her! Why had Matu done this to her? Did Wanmdi Hota know? Was he a party to this deadly scheme? Would he possibly do this to trick her into marrying him, only to betray her as a fraud at the last minute as his final, cruel revenge against her? Were the others in on this plot—Mato Waditaka, Wanhinkpe Ska, Mahpiya Sapa or Powchutu? No, she told herself, not Powchutu! He would never be a part of a thing like this. Perhaps this had been the price for his life and freedom that day of the fort’s massacre! No, he would never betray me like this, even at the cost of his life.

  Her mind reeled with the terrible implications of this trick. Surely Matu was the only one involved in this. All clues pointed to her. But why had she done it? Would she keep it a secret? Would she really allow a ska wincinyanna to marry an Oglala warrior? Was her only motive to be freed and sent home, or was there more to it?

  Does she seek some twisted revenge against this Jenny through my torture and death? Alisha worried. But, she would surely be punished, too! Perhaps she thought she could plead innocent to any knowledge of how the akito got there, and be believed. Or worse, maybe she thinks it will be worth her death to have this insane revenge for her hatred of Jenny ...

  If only I knew her tongue and could speak with her. I must know why she did this to me. I know what the warnings were for now, for she does hold my life in her hands. God help me if she sees me as Jenny! What can I do now? Who can I turn to for help?

  I dare not go to Wanmdi Hota with the truth. Alisha trembled violently just imagining the look in those obsidian eyes when he learned the truth. He would kill me for sure. The knowledge he fought a challenge which could have cost his life and the reality he would have unknowingly married a wasichu will bring a rage such as I’ve never known in him. But if I keep silent and allow him to marry me knowing what I do, and if he ever learned the truth about me, I would never be able to convince him I did not know. Or, that I had done it because I loved him and wanted him. Once more I am trapped between Scylla and Charybdis ...

  Powchutu is the only one I can trust. I must find him and talk with him. He will know what to do. He can speak with Matu and learn the whole truth. Then, I will decide what is to be done. If Wanmdi Hota or the others should learn of this before I have had a chance to work things out, I shall never know the truth about myself. I shudder to think what Mahpiya Sapa and Mato Waditaka would think and feel if they learned I was not their precious Shalee. I dare not think what will happen if Wanmdi Hota finds out I am truly only Lese.

  For now, I must remain Shalee, for that is my only protection and chance for freedom. But how can I be happy and at peace when I must live in constant fear of their learning this deadly truth? I know what will happen when they find out—I will be horribly tortured and killed ...

  Alisha ran a light finger over the akito through the skin of her dress, then pressed harder. Yes, one side of the little moon was different from the other. One was firm and deep, and the other only surface etching. Why had Mahpiya Sapa not noticed this that other day? Had he been blinded by hopes of finding his lost daughter? Had they not all said I look just like this girl Jenny? She dropped her face into her hands and wept. What now? What now, for all was lost?

  Dread washed over her. Matu had been the one to alter her scar to form the magic akito, but it would be she who would have to pay for this deception with her life. Could Gray Eagle possibly be in on this farce, this trick, this deceit? No, for he would not use the other warrior and chief that way. Or did he hate her so much he would stoop to such vile trickery for revenge? Was he only waiting until the joining or the last minute before the ceremony to reveal her true identity and wreak vengeance on her? Did his hatred go that far? If only she knew the truth, or if only he cared enough about her to protect her.

  There had been too many coincidences. I should have known and fought them harder
, Alisha wept. I should have refused to accept this, then they could not have blamed me for it. I should not have allowed myself to be put in this precarious position. Why did I fall for this rose-colored illusion?

  Do I dare reveal these things to anyone, even my friend? Is he my friend first, or Indian first? What will he do if I tell him everything? How could he help me anyway? Besides, his knowing about this could endanger his life as well as mine. But I must know the truth, tonight! I must decide what to do. If there is some trickery being practiced here for revenge, then I cannot wait until after the ceremony to find out. This night, I will know what path my fate will take ... it has been in the hands of others for too long.

  She slipped from Matu’s teepee and made her way to the first row of teepees, concealing most of her face and body in the shadows. Most of the men were near the center campfire talking and smoking, except for Powchutu and a few younger braves who sat around a smaller campfire close by.

  She softly called his name and he glanced her way in surprise. She placed her finger to her lips, signaling for silence and secrecy, then motioned for him to come to her.

  The other men thought it a bit strange, but did not question their chief’s daughter speaking with her friend and looked away unconcerned. Powchutu looked around and seeing no one watching him, he stood up and walked her way. She reached out and took him by the hand and pulled him into the darkness with her.

  Gray Eagle’s head had been lowered, so neither Powchutu nor Alisha saw that he watched the strange exchange between them. Why was Alisha not in her teepee asleep? What was she doing out here? Why did she want to speak with her friend in secret? Had she realized what was in the juice and faked drinking it? Had her display of affection and happiness been a trick? Did she know his secret now and wish to tell her friend of her discovery? Had he been the one tricked tonight instead of her?

  Just what were those two up to? He had watched suspiciously until the darkness had engulfed them, then rose to follow. He moved around quickly and quietly until he caught sight of them as they entered a small teepee. Did they plan some lover’s last meeting? He flamed in anger and jealousy. What was she trying to pull with this man? He silently and stealthily walked up to the rear of the teepee and alertly listened.