Defiant Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  Oh Papa, how glad I am you are not here to witness my defeat. Nor you, Mama. All your beautiful plans and talks that we shared so long ago about this very special day in a girl’s life. How very sad the killing of childish dreams and illusions, to have them torn down and trampled into the blood-soaked earth. Why do I not feel the joy and happiness this special day should bring? Was that also left behind with all my yesterdays?

  Matu touched her arm. Alisha started from her melancholy and looked up. Matu held out the white elkskin dress to her, saying, “Mato Waditaka ...”

  She realized Matu meant it was a gift to her from him. She would have been wearing this very dress to join him tonight if things had turned out differently yesterday. She must send Powchutu to thank him with all her heart. This gift, a white wedding dress, would soothe some of the pain in her heart this day.

  She held it up and examined it. It was trimmed with small, round, gold-colored beads. The skin was as soft as velvet and as white as the new-fallen snows. It had a fringed border at the hemline and the sleeveless armholes were also fringed with long, flowing strips from the same skin. She looked at the quilled white moccasins to match, too excited to even try them on.

  She looked at Matu in astonishment and exclaimed, “They’re beautiful! I love them. Thank you, Matu.” Impulsively, she hugged the old woman who flushed in embarrassment at the girl’s reaction. She gazed into the radiant face before her and smiled before leaving.

  Alisha lovingly stroked the softness of the dress, then hugged it to her breasts. “I will have my white wedding dress after all. I’ll never be able to thank Mato Waditaka enough.”

  She fingered the intricately quilled moccasins and the beaded headband with the two feathers attached, one red and gray and the other a fluffy white. “Oh Matu, you have made my heart leap with joy. They’re so beautiful. A wedding dress ... a white wedding dress ...” She hugged them to her heart once more.

  Suddenly feeling eyes upon her back, she quickly turned to find Wanmdi Hota standing just inside the flap with a very strange expression on his face. She looked embarrassed he had seen her silly display of happiness over the dress.

  He walked over to where she stood and took the dress from her hands to examine it. He looked at the moccasins and headband with a lot of interest. He held up the dress before her, studying the fragile, delicate picture she would make in it.

  She was surprised when he smiled and nodded his approval and returned the items to her. She refused to meet his steady gaze as she took them back. He realized he had not even thought of bringing her anything to wear on this special day. He had been so consumed with winning her from his rival. He was very pleased she had such a beautiful dress to wear tonight. He must find Mato Waditaka and thank him for both of them.

  He watched her as she carefully folded the new garment and put all the items in a neat stack on her mat. She nibbled on the fruit, berries and aguyapi as she went about the storage area collecting the things she would need for her bathing and dressing. She put the remains of her breakfast near the fire for Matu to remove later. She finally had everything gathered for her bath, and piled her clothes neatly on her mat.

  She had managed to avoid eye and body contact with Wanmdi Hota so far this morning. But now, she glanced over at him to see what he was doing. He seemed contented just to sit on the end of her mat and watch her every move with an odd, curious expression on his face. What was that glint in his eyes—victory, possessiveness, or perhaps a mocking sneer?

  She glared at him in bewilderment and asked, “Is something wrong? Did you wish something from me?” She waited ... no change or answer. “One day you’ll have to teach me your tongue so we can talk to each other, unless you still prefer we don’t communicate in any way except on your o-winzal” She hastily pinkened as she realized what she had said. She immediately sighed to herself, “At least you don’t know my language.”

  He ignored her rumblings as if she had not even spoken, but secretly smiled to himself in amusement and agreement. He leaned over and picked up her new headband and touched the two little feathers attached. He wondered if she knew the meaning behind the two feathers and surmised she did not. He would tell her later.

  He fingered the red and gray queque, the symbol of her father and Mato Waditaka; then the fluffy, white one, symbol of a daughter to a chief. He grinned mischievously as he blew on the two little feathers, making them tremble in the wind of his breath.

  She stared at the quivering feathers as they trembled in the breeze he had created, then her eyes were drawn to the crooked, half-smile playing upon his lips.

  He removed the two little feathers from the headband and lay them down on her new dress. She stared at him in horror. He knows! He’s telling me he knows! Somehow, some way, he’s found out and he’s taunting me! He said nothing escapes his eye and now this little display of teasing. As surely as the sky is blue today, he knows and is just waiting to ...

  She halted in mid-thought as she watched his actions. He had taken a yellow feather from his own hair and was placing it in her headband. When he had secured it into the band, he looked up at her with his smoldering, ebony eyes which bore right into her very soul and mind. She stared at the headband, then at him in puzzlement and fear.

  He rose and came to her. He placed the headband around her forehead with a mocking grin on his lips and murmured, “Ni-ye mitawa, Cinstinna.” Still, she gazed at him in confusion. He spoke possessively, “Shalee, Wanmdi Hota’s.”

  Her eyes widened in understanding. She tore the headband from her forehead and jerked the yellow feather from it, angrily throwing it to the ground. She picked up the other two, original queques and replaced them as before. That old power play again!

  She met his amused look with rebellion and challenge. “Shalee is Shalee’s! Shalee is Mahpiya Sapa’s! Shalee hiya Wanmdi Hota’s yet!”

  She put the headband back around her forehead and her gaze met his, daring him to deny it. Her heart pounded in rising terror as he just stood there looking her over, grinning triumphantly. She turned her back on him and that damned probing stare of his. What now?

  She was abruptly whirled around and held securely in his strong grip. She kept her eyelids lowered and would not look at him. Deep, rich, rumbling laughter came from his chest as he mocked, “Shalee ye Mahpiya Sapa cunwintke. Shalee Wanmdi Hota winyan!”

  Her eyes flew up to meet his and stare into their pitch black, bottomless depths. Without any warning, his mouth covered hers in a fiery, demanding kiss which nearly took her breath away. It ended as quickly as it had begun. She swayed against him in betraying weakness.

  He gazed deep into her bewildered, emerald eyes and repeated, “Ni-ye mitawa ... mitawal” He flashed her a full smile which caused her heart to flutter madly.

  Time passed. He appeared to be waiting for her to say or do something, but what? He covered her mouth with another kiss which brought trembling to her knees. She burned with its heat. He leaned back and repeated his words, “Shalee Wanmdi Hota winyanl” Again, he waited ...

  He scooped up the yellow queque she had thrown to the ground and placed it inside her headband, this time, with the others. His flaming eyes engulfed her again as he spoke slowly, “Shalee Mahpiya Sapa cunwintke. Shalee Wanmdi Hota winyanl” Again, the hesitation ...

  Her hand went up to touch the three feathers and think upon his words and actions. Her face brightened and a smile touched her eyes and lips. Did he mean she was both the chief’s daughter and his woman? Was he only trying to tell her she was both, or could be both? Did this mean he did not know, or that if he did, it didn’t matter? No matter, she would concede to the point he was striving for—she belonged to him for as long as he wished it so. She felt great relief that he had not pressed the removal of the other two feathers.

  She met his waiting gaze and spoke softly, “If I understand what it is you’re trying to force me to they I will agree. Alisha belongs to Wanmdi Hota.”

  He quipped back, “Alisha? Hiya
. Shalee Wanmdi Hota’s, hiya Alisha.” He kissed her fiercely, then abruptly released her. She nearly fell backwards with her sudden, unexpected release, and would have if he had not caught and held her. He was grinning devilishly as he steadied her on her feet. Then he turned and left.

  She stared after him in soul-shaking terror. He had just told her he would not accept her as Alisha, only Shalee. Hadn’t he taken the feathers from the headband to tell her she had no right to wear them? Hadn’t he forced her to admit she was his, and to lie about who she was? Hadn’t he laughed and mocked at her proclaiming to be Shalee? He had forced her to commit herself to this deceit. She was no longer an innocent party to this farce. He had cleverly trapped her.

  But what were those other words he had spoken to her and why had he kissed her like that? In fact, what was that whole bewildering scene all about? What was he really trying to say? He forced me to admit I was his, and when I did, he teased and laughed at me. Why? I must find Powchutu and discuss this with him. I am more confused now than ever.

  What Alisha had failed to grasp was that Gray Eagle was trying to tell her that he would let everyone believe she was Shalee. He was telling her he wanted her and would accept her no matter who or what she was. He was trying to tell her she must think of herself as Shalee so he could join with her in the eyes of his people. He was also telling her she must be Shalee to stay alive.

  His smile had been one of happiness on this, their joining day. He had beamed with love and possessiveness for her. He was proud of her beauty. He was overjoyed at this turn of events which had enabled him to claim her as his mate. Couldn’t she read these things in his face and in his touch? Couldn’t she hear the love and pride in his voice? Surely she could feel his desire for her coursing through his body. But he had also wanted her to know she had no secrets from him and never would. He wanted her to see she was his and he would take care of her and everything. Didn’t she know the power he carried? Didn’t she see how relaxed and happy he was about their coming joining? Didn’t he just show her how much he loved and wanted her? Didn’t he try to show her everything was all right now and for her to stop her worrying?

  She frantically thought, I must find Powchutu! He will know what all this means. He will help me. She washed her face and adjusted her rumpled dress and tousled hair. She walked to the flap and peered out. She quickly located Powchutu at the same campfire he had been sitting at last night.

  She hastily walked over to him. Disregarding the other two braves, she said, “I must speak with you, now! Come to my father’s teepee.” The panic and agitation in her voice warned him something had happened inside with Wanmdi Hota just now. Had she told him anything? He quickly followed her back to her teepee and they went inside.

  As soon as they were inside, she began to speak rapidly. “He knows, Powchutu! I don’t know how, but I’m sure he knows! The way he looks at me, the things he does and says. He’s trying to tell me he knows! What’s his game, Powchutu? What will he do about it? My head is spinningl”

  Powchutu tried to calm her down. “He doesn’t know anything, Alisha, not yet. But he will if you continue to act so suspiciously. There is no way he could possibly know. You must get hold of yourself or he will surely guess. I also must warn you to keep silent around him and all the others. We can never be sure of how much they understand. We must not speak of these things around anyone. Wanmdi Hota is very cunning and smart. I fear he could guess the meanings of our talks. You must never, never speak aloud before him. Do you understand me?”

  His tone was a little frightening to her. If Wanmdi Hota knew any of her tongue, she would have guessed it by now, for he would surely have reacted to some of her words by now. Still, if he could guess from her tone or expression, then she had better do as her friend suggested.

  She argued with him, “I tell you, Powchutu, he does know something. How do you expect me to act calmly when he looks at me like he does and acts in that strange way? It’s as if he’s trying to warn me or frighten me. Maybe he’s known all along and is just giving me time to relax and gain confidence here, then at the right moment, he’ll bring it all to light. Oh Powchutu, I’m so frightened. I don’t know which way to turn. Just as I begin to think things might work out, everything turns around in another direction.”

  “If he had known all along as you just suggested, then he would have told them Matu changed the akito. He would not have turned his valuable slave over to them. He could have avoided the challenge which could have cost his life. Surely you do not believe for one minute he would fight a challenge to win the hand of a white girl! No, Alisha. If he had known, there would have been no challenge. He could not have learned about it here either. Only the three of us know this secret, and we didn’t until last night. No, he could not have learned of it,” Powchutu reasoned.

  “Powchutu, listen to me,” she nearly shouted at him for his full attention. “He knows! I don’t understand why he says nothing yet, but he will soon. Perhaps there is some reason why he fought the challenge. He probably never imagined he could lose it. He will never go through with the joining, knowing who I really am. Can you even imagine how he feels knowing he could have died for a white girl’s possession, or that he was almost tricked into marrying her? But if you’re somehow right and he doesn’t know yet of this deception, think what will happen when he does learn of it and we are already joined. His fury will be as black as the night and his vengeance as red as my blood. Besides, it is wrong to trick him this way. How can I lie and deceive the man I love this way?”

  “You will do it to stay alive! Perhaps that is his reason for keeping silent, to spare your life and have you back. He has done this twice before. You will do this because it might be the only way you will ever have him, though I’ll never understand how you could love a man like him. One day he will strike out at you in hatred and revenge and surely destroy you!”

  She paled as she looked at him, comprehending his meaning. “I remember something my father once told me, Powchutu. He said hate was the sister to love. One spoke with a kiss and the other with a knife. Where one gives life and happiness, the other gives death and sadness. He said oftentimes you could not tell where one left off and the other began. Sometimes they are confusing to tell apart, for many acts of hate and revenge are done in the name of love. He told me each one possesses the power to destroy the other, and the one who feels it. Within each person there lives both love and hate, and it only depends on which of the two is the stronger. If, as you say, his hate is his stronger power, then you are right and one day he will destroy me. But by the same token, if my love for him is the stronger power of the two, then I will survive.”

  Powchutu harshly asked, trying to vanquish her illusions, “But what will be the prize, Alisha, and how cold and empty your survival? All you will have will be a man who hates you and who will always see you as Alisha, his ska kaskapi.”

  Alisha glared at him and said, “That’s cruel, Powchutu! You don’t need to remind me of his feelings for me. He has made me well aware of them many times. I have no illusions about how he feels about me. If I did, then I would not fear his discovery of this deceit. If I thought he cared at all for me, I would go to him with the truth. If he does not know as yet, then it will only be a matter of time before he does. As you so aptly described him before, he is as cunning as the fox.”

  She looked up at him and said, “The trap is set and I draw closer to it each minute. He is the hunter and love his bait. The only question is, when will he spring the trap and crush me in its iron vise? Is there no path I can take to avoid his snare, Powchutu?”

  “If you’re right, we’ll have to find some way for you to flee him and this danger. We cannot risk his telling the others tonight or his learning of it later. Let me think for a time ...”

  He restlessly paced around, considering plans in his mind. Just as he would think he had found the perfect escape, he would see a deadly flaw in it. How could she possibly escape unnoticed before the ceremony? I am s
ure he does not know yet, but I must get her away before she unknowingly tells him.

  A bright, thoughtful look touched his face and he grinned mischievously. He nodded to himself several times, then laughed out loud. The perfect escape plus revenge, too! He fondled the little pezuta wopahte at his neck and thought wickedly, I will pluck his little white bird right from his o-winza! He will not lose a promised one, he will lose his wife! He will have her for a short moment, only to lose her forever. Yes ...

  Now, all he had to do was convince Alisha this was the best and only way to pull this off and for them to get away. If things went as he planned, he could get her away from him. She would then belong to only him. He thought, I will find some way to make her turn to me and come with me. He smiled at the simplicity of it all. The key to his success was to work on her fear of him and his hate for her. Make her believe he truly hates her and will destroy her with his revenge. She trusts me and will believe my words, for she has no reason to doubt me or my motives. When I finish, there will be nothing he can say or do to change her mind about leaving him for good!

  At last he spoke, “I know what must be done, Alisha. You must do all I say without hesitation. Do you trust me enough to do as I ask? Will you agree?”

  She nodded yes and he continued, “I know the only way you can be safe is to get you as far away from here and him as possible. I am sure he does not really know anything yet. He might be suspicious, but if we are careful, he will not guess. We must get you away before he learns. He will wait until he gets you back to his village to storm you with questions about your behavior. Then, when he forces the truth from you, he will kill you in some accidental way and bury you as Shalee. No one will ever know the truth then. I am sure he will find some way to save his face and honor in this game. I am also sure he will not expose you tonight, even if by some freak chance he knows or learns. You will be safe until the time to leave here and return to his camp. You must act normal today and go through with the ceremony tonight. We must let no one suspect anything is wrong!”