Starblind (Starblind #1)

by D T Dyllin

  Tamzea frowned. “Jane, you didn’t die. Did you hit your head?” She addressed the Gartian beside her. “Can we get her some clothes please?”

  “I don’t need clothes in my after life,” I groused. “I thought everyone just walked around naked.” Tamzea offered me her hand and helped me out of the cramped pod. “And why is your face the first one I’m seeing? I would have thought they’d give me some hot guy or some—”

  “Janey.” Ash’s deep voice rumbled behind me and I spun around to drink him in with my eyes. He wasn’t naked to my disappointment, but he was more gorgeous than ever, like every time I saw him. His eyes were filled with flames for me, and I couldn’t help but to launch myself into his arms. I slanted my lips over his, plunging my tongue into his mouth, my nerve endings igniting. I ground my naked body against his clothed crotch, protesting his state of dress while still ravaging his mouth. I needed him inside of me so I could be as close to him as possible. I needed to feel him—

  “No one wants to see that!” Tamzea exclaimed.

  “Janey.” Ash pulled away from me, somehow managing to disentangle himself from my grip. “You’re not dead.” His eyes twinkled with mirth. “And as much as I’d like to get reacquainted with you right now, I’m not really up for putting on a show.”

  “Not dead? But I saw The Pittsburgh …”

  His lips twisted as he swallowed back a laugh. “It was fitted with a Gartian cloaking system. So when—”

  I smacked my hand over my mouth as tears pricked at my eyes. “Not dead. Not dead.” I whirled around to face Tamzea. “Not dead!” I cried with glee as I rushed her, crushing my arms around her in a much too tight bear hug.

  “Jane. You’re naked.” Tamzea slipped out from under me and took a few steps back.

  “Shit!” I tried to cover myself with my hands and arms while pressing my legs together in an odd, standing cross-legged position. I’m not sure why I bothered since it really did no good.

  “Here.” The Gartian from before returned, offering me a stack of clothes. I hastily pulled them on. They were a bit big, but for the moment they would just have to do.

  “S-so … I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do since you are all somehow here.” I eyed Tamzea and Ash. “How are you both here?”

  “Come on. Zula and Masha are waiting for you. We’ll fill you in and I have a feeling there’s some stuff we need to know, too.” Tamzea offered me her arm. I took it, but glanced back at Ash. He smiled at me, the sight warming my heart. I guess everything was okay between us again.

  He leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “What you did back there … we’re going to have a little chat soon.”

  Okay, so not one hundred percent fine. I guess he’s a bit pissed. Eh. I shrugged. “Whatever you say.” I let Tamzea lead me to the rest of my friends, and for the moment, I couldn’t keep from smiling.

  The room was packed with all different shapes and sizes of Gartians. I hadn’t expected to be thrust into some kind of impromptu meeting, since I’d been under the impression I was just going to meet my friends. They, of course, were there, too. I’d captured first Zula and then Masha in way too tight hugs, much like the one I’d delivered to Tamzea. I was so happy to see everyone that I even hugged Dar. At least I think it was Dar, it could have been one of his brothers. Not that I really cared at the moment. After I was done greeting my not so dead crew, I found myself seated between Tamzea and Ash at a large table.

  All attention, including mine, was stolen by a super-sized Gartian as he entered the room. He made his way to the head of the table, his footsteps echoing in the silent room.

  “Who’s he?” I whispered at Ash.

  “He’s their leader.”

  With a nod, I returned my full attention to the Gartian bigwig. Not only was he larger than even Dar, but also much more intimidating. Who would have thought that was possible? Bigwig’s face was almost completely made of their special grade of alloy, as was his entire left arm. His long dark hair was pulled back in a leather cue, much like how I’d seen Dar wear his. Human looking, dark blue eyes met mine briefly before roaming over the rest of the room. I shuddered despite myself. It was creepy to see normal eyes peering out from metal, trapped behind a permanent mask. I forced my thoughts away from the jarring sight and the G-Pox that had caused it.

  “My people, we have waited a long time for our chance to repay the Denards for the creation of G-Pox. We were not the first or last species to be targeted by them. Our time to rise against the Denards has finally arrived. Our friend Ash has made this fact possible.” He nodded at Ash, who stood up beside me. I tilted my head back, surprised that he was going to speak. He’s lost the chip, what leverage does he still have against the Denards?

  “My friends.” Ash reached into his pocket to produce a UGFS official chip. He spared me a glance long enough to wink. “I have here all the information we need to bring down the UGFS, and therefore the Denards. Ambassador Aralias believes he has this very chip in his possession again. It will buy us some more much needed time. The most important part to our plan—”

  I zoned out for the rest of what Ash was saying. I already knew his grand plan. I’d just been under the impression he was going to do it alone. He’d led me to believe that, and he’d tricked me. He made me believe he’d given me the chip.

  Was I some kind of bait? I could have died on the ambassador’s ship. Was Ash even planning to come for me at all, or had I been disposable? Maybe he’d mated me so easily because he thought I would die soon? Had it all been a lie? I stood abruptly, metal sounding upon metal as my chair flew back. Not meeting the eyes of anyone in the room, I dashed out into the hallway and blindly kept running.

  I couldn’t contain the raw emotions that rose up in me. I’d been betrayed again. My heart was obliterated. Darkness grew inside of the empty cavity where it once dwelled. Is that all I’d ever be—a pawn—a thing that could be used for things that the men in my life wanted? Both Maddox and my father’s faces flashed in my mind. What was so wrong with me that no one loved me the way I wanted … needed? I thought that I might even love Ash, and he’d used me. Sure it was fast. But it didn’t matter. He’d used me just like everyone else had. Of course I would fall in love with someone who would use me. It was an apparent pattern with me.

  “Janey.” Ash appeared in front of me in his fire form for a mere instant before solidifying. “You have it all wrong.” He attempted to wrap his arms around me, but I shirked out from under him.

  “No, I don’t. You used me.” I hit at his chest, feeding my anger so I wouldn’t cry. “Is it because you thought I could kill you? Were you still mad? Is that it?” Maybe he hadn’t trusted me. I guess if that was the case I couldn’t really blame him. Much. And I was … or I at least I thought I was going to kill him. When I looked back at the situation, I didn’t think I would have been able to go through with cold-blooded murder … especially of Ash. I’d been lying to myself the entire time.

  “No. That’s not it.” He pulled me to him. I tried not to breathe in his spicy scent or feel the way my body was already begging to be touched by him. “Let me explain.”

  “I was tortured on that ship,” I rasped into his chest. “I was going to die for you. And the whole time you were playing me for a fool.”

  He pressed his lips to the top of my head in a tender gesture before he spoke against my hair. His breath washed warmth over me, and I forced myself to resist the urge to melt into him. “I didn’t think it would get that far. I didn’t think Ambassador Aralias would take you on his ship. I thought he’d take the fake chip and give you some ultimatum about tracking me down. I figured—”

  “You lied to me. You made me think … you made me think that I was worth more to you—more than the chip and more than this uprising.”

  “Oh, Janey.” He stroked his hand through my hair and down my back. “You’re really not as jaded and tough as you pretend to be, are you?”

  I pushed at him again, stumbling backwar
ds. “Maybe not, but I can work on it. I don’t need you or anyone. I never have.”

  He captured me within his embrace once more, his arms like steel bands. “You need me.”

  “No, I don’t, you arrogant asshat!” I thrashed against his hold on me.

  “Yes, you do. And I need you.”

  “Because you have to? Because we’re mates?” I spat.

  “Because I love you. And I’m pretty sure you love me.”

  His words sucked all the air out of my fight. He loved me? Not enough, though. Not nearly enough. “You almost let me die.”

  “You were going to kill me. One of us didn’t know the consequences of their actions—that would be me. The other was going to seduce me and plunge a dagger into my heart afterwards.”

  Okay, so maybe he had a point. I bit my lower lip and curled my fingers into his shoulders. “I suppose when you put it like that … We’re even?”

  “Not yet. We still have to sort some things out between us.”

  “What’s left?”

  “How about the fact that you don’t trust me? We can start there.”

  “I trust you … enough.” Hadn’t I just thought that he didn’t love me enough? How much different was it that I didn’t trust him enough?

  Ash took me by the shoulders, his azure gaze bursting into flames as it bore into mine. “There is no such thing as enough between mates. It’s either all, or we’ll end up nothing.”

  “We practically just met!”

  He sighed heavily, exhaustion pulling at his features. It was only then I noticed the smudges of purple under his eyes. “Let me get this straight … You want me to trust you, to be completely open and honest with you about everything, but it’s okay for you not to trust me one hundred percent just yet? Because we haven’t known each other long enough?”

  “I have issues.” I averted my eyes sheepishly. When he said it out loud it almost sounded foolish. His words had almost made me sound wishy-washy. As if.

  “Not with me you don’t,” he growled as he slung me over his shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” I wasn’t sure if I should get excited about some possible impending naked time or fight him. My brain and body were carrying opposing votes. I decided to go for some halfhearted hits against his back. He palmed my ass and squeezed. “Hey!” I protested even as I smiled to myself. There’s definitely something wrong with me.

  “We are going to do the final step in the mating process. I had hoped to wait until we’d have more alone time together and things weren’t as tense, but it’s clear it needs to be done immediately. I won’t lose you now that I finally have you.”

  I thought about all we’d already experienced as mates. I’d been both fucked and branded. Hell, we could even communicate to some degree telepathically. What was left? “There’s more?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you going to tell me what this last and apparently dramatic final step to our mating is? And do I get a say in it at all?”

  “No to both of those questions.”

  “Well then we aren’t doing it!” I started pummeling the muscular expanse of his back in earnest. “That’s not how this relationship is going to work! You can’t just tell me what to do! I’m your equal or you can just forget about it, asshat!”

  “For God’s sake, woman. That’s what I’m trying to do—put us on even footing. Now if you could just shut that alluring and yet utterly infuriating mouth for five seconds this would all go a lot smoother.”

  Since I’d been staring at his back I hadn’t seen where he was taking me. I was airborne and then I hit the softness of a bed. I glanced around to see we were in a small living quarters. Before I could say anything else, Ash was in his flame form and flowing towards me.

  “Don’t be nervous. It won’t hurt … much.”

  His flame engulfed me like it had so many times before, but that part only lasted for an instant. The blaze suddenly pushed past my lips and rushed down my throat. Startled, and taken aback, I screamed.

  “Ash?” I gasped, my entire body exploding into a white-hot blaze. I was no longer surrounded by fire. I was the fire. I was like Ash completely. I’d gotten a slight taste of it on Ambassador Aralias’ ship, but I’d assumed because I was only half phoenix that was all I’d get. I was so happy I was wrong … beyond happy … way beyond.

  I’d never known what freedom or intimacy was until that moment. I had no idea where I ended and Ash began … and yet, it wasn’t a smothering feeling like I thought it would be. Ash was everything I needed and I was the same to him … always. We were mates—separate and yet one. I was his home and he was mine. All the remaining walls around my heart were burned away.

  I remembered thinking how I was like two different people: one was Janey around Ash, and the other was Captain Sevis. They were now united as well. And maybe that was a better word to describe what was happening between Ash and me. We weren’t one, not really. We were united. That’s why we remained separate, and yet permanently aligned. I’d been afraid of losing myself in a relationship, especially in one with a mate bond. I finally understood that it was different with Ash. He didn’t want to control me; he craved a partnership, just like I had demanded. That I could do—that I wanted more than anything. And I was finally going to have it … a home that was more than just a place, but a feeling of belonging.

  I belonged with Ash.

  We belonged together.

  I’m not sure how long we remained as flames, swirling around and through each other. I think it was until we burned away to nothing. Then we were reborn—reborn from the ashes just like phoenixes were meant to do. Ash and I were reborn to each other.

  Eventually I found myself back in Ash’s very humanoid arms as he made love to me. The transition had been seamless. One moment we were being born again into flame, and the next we were enjoying one of the best parts of being flesh. We continued the final step in our mating process for what seemed like hours, until exhaustion pulled us both under and we fell asleep in each other’s arms—the way it always should be—and would be, if I could help it.

  “Janey, it’s time to wake up.” The delectable aroma of food wafted up my nose, pulling me from my fitful slumber.

  Sitting up, I smiled at Ash as he slid a hover tray in front of me. Although the food smelled delicious, I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking at. There was a stack of round, tan, kind of gooey looking things. Or they were covered in something gooey. It was kind of hard to tell. Beside them was something yellowish with bits of green in it. My breakfast trio was completed with crispy, wavy looking things. “What is this stuff? Not that I’m complaining, it smells great.”

  “Zula told me that you’ve been trying to sample Earth food … very unsuccessfully for some time. I thought—”

  “Oh my God!” I clapped excitedly while bouncing in place. “This is Earth food!” I started shoving bits of the fare into my mouth with my fingers. The flavors burst onto my tongue and I groaned with delight. “It’s amazing!”

  “Maybe if you chew it you’d get a better gauge. Also, you’re not supposed to eat it with your hands.” Ash sat on the edge of the bed and chuckled.

  “No time for anything but hands!” My cheeks were puckered out to I’m sure a comical level, but I didn’t care. “By the way,” I said, while stuffing more into my mouth, “how come this room isn’t a big pile of ashes? You know, like my living quarters on The Pittsburgh.”

  “Flame retardant materials. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has such things. The Gartians fit my guest quarters for the needs of a phoenix.”

  “I need some flame retardant … everything, I’m thinking.” I continued to eat, deciding that the round, gooey things were my favorite. Or maybe the yellowish thing, or … Okay, I liked everything I was eating. “What is the food called that I’m eating?” Which was almost all gone. I hoped Ash hadn’t wanted any.

  “Pancakes, an egg omelet, and bacon. Good thing I already ate,” he said as if he’d read my m
ind. Can he now? God, I hoped not. It’s one thing to be super close to someone, but it was an entirely different thing to have someone be able to stomp around in your head anytime they felt like it. A girl had to have some private thoughts sometimes.

  “Can you read my mind now?”

  “No. We can communicate with each other telepathically, which you already know. And we’ll both be more in tune with each other’s emotions. It’s almost as good as mind reading.” He smirked, and the twinkle in his eyes told me that he was well aware I didn’t think mind reading would be the greatest thing.

  Thank God he can’t read my mind. What a friggin’ relief! “Whatever. So what’s the plan … with everything?”

  “Same as before, basically. Of course your involvement with Ambassador Aralias has probably propelled you to the top of the UGFS most wanted list, right alongside me.” I stopped chewing. Ash slid his hand down through my hair. “You’re not going to be able to bounty hunt any more, Janey. I’m sorry.”

  I knew it was coming, but the words being said out loud caused my stomach to drop. I pushed away the hover tray even though there were just remnants left on my plate. “So what should I do, for money … and to keep from going insane from boredom?”

  Ash scooted forward, tipping my chin up with his index finger. “You can help me free the Universe from the tyrannical rule of the UGFS, of course. We’ll figure out the money thing. Trust me.” He smirked.

  I rolled my eyes. “How exactly am I going to help? It seems like you and the Gartians pretty much have it all figured out.”

  “Things are more complicated than they seem. We’ll work it all out, don’t you worry.” He stood, taking the tray with him. “Now go get showered and dressed. I bought you some new clothes to tide you over until you can get into your stash on your ship.” And with that, Ash left me alone to stew with my own thoughts.

  I dragged myself from bed, my mood noticeably darker since having to face the end of my bounty hunting career, but I still wasn’t as down as I thought I’d be. After all, I’d picked up a mate, one that I loved, as ridiculously fast as that had all happened. I also still had The Pittsburgh and my crew … who were more than crew. They were my family. My heart swelled. Ash anchored me in a way that caused me to feel more in tune with myself. It may not sound like much, but when you figure out how to love and accept yourself, then and only then can you let the rest of the world in all the way.