“How did things go today?” Mercedes asked the question, but she didn’t look at him.
“Could’ve been better.” He had no intention of going into detail about his day. He wanted to talk, but not about business. As it was, he would have to delve into business with Logan shortly.
Ever since last night, when they’d arrived back at his condo, Mercedes had been avoiding him. Well, not entirely, because they had spent more time together, mostly in the bath where he’d enjoyed running his hands over her curvy, wet body. But even as he made her come with his fingers, he had felt her retreating from him.
She probably hoped he wouldn’t notice.
He noticed.
It was hard not to when he had woken up just that morning at five o’clock – about an hour later than normal – to find Mercedes gone from his bed.
Needless to say, he hadn’t been happy. His mood had darkened even more when he found that she wasn’t even in his condo. Rather than calling her, Xander had pulled on a pair of shorts, didn’t bother with a shirt or shoes, which was very unlike him, and made his way down to her floor and beat on her front door until she answered.
She opened the door, her hair wet, her face scrubbed clean. Yes, she’d gone back to her place to shower, and that had been like a kick in the nuts. Mercedes had made the message very clear. Their time together had come to an end.
And after the scene they’d shared at Devotion… that bothered him more than anything.
He knew she wouldn’t want to talk about what had happened last night when he had used his safe word just to call a halt to the nightmare that they were venturing closer and closer to. But he had wanted to talk about it.
Not just about that though. There were some other things he needed to say to her. Important things. Things he wasn’t willing to keep in any longer.
But he didn’t address the elephant in the room. There would be time later, and he intended to address the issue, but he also planned to do so in private. For now, he simply asked, “What did you do today?”
“I took a client out for a few hours.”
That wasn’t much of an explanation, but he hadn’t expected much more than that either. She wasn’t looking at him, seemingly fascinated with her wine glass and the people sitting around them. He ached to put his arms around her, to pull her close and to assure her that there was no reason for her to be freaked out.
If only it would help.
Knowing Mercedes, she would come up with another excuse to disappear on him and right now, he just wanted her to be close. It was enough.
For the moment.
“Your table is ready, sir.” A young man dressed in a suit, sans the jacket, stood to his left as he spoke.
Xander nodded his head and pushed to his feet, waiting for Mercedes to join him. When she did, he placed his hand low on her back and guided her toward the back of the restaurant.
To his surprise, Logan and Samantha arrived just a few minutes later. After a quick round of greetings, the four of them took their seats and proceeded to order drinks when the waiter approached.
A drink was all Xander cared about. His mind was elsewhere – namely back at Devotion, still chained to the wall while Mercedes did whatever she could to get a rise out of him. It had worked. Just not necessarily the way she thought it had.
What she didn’t seem to understand was that he had no interest in those scenes anymore. More importantly, he had connected with Mercedes in a way he hadn’t even known possible and as far as he was concerned, there was no one but her for him.
A woman’s submission was something he craved like a drug. He couldn’t explain it. Didn’t necessarily care to either, but what had transpired between him and Mercedes last night had defied reason. It had gone so far beyond submission, Xander didn’t even have a name for it.
He feared that’s what scared Mercedes the most. She’d been anticipating topping him from the very beginning. And yet, it seemed as though she had turned her sights on Clarissa after she had successfully secured him to the wall.
And then he had ended it all with one single word.
“You said you had a business proposition for me.” Logan’s deep voice broke through Xander’s thoughts, pulling him back to the moment.
He glanced over at Mercedes to see whether she was aware he’d been thinking about her. She still wasn’t looking at him, but her interest had peaked when Logan spoke up, so he knew she was paying attention.
“I do,” he told him, tossing back what was left of his drink. It was time to focus on the task at hand. There’d be time to address Mercedes later.
He hoped.
~~*~~*~~
Mercedes spent two hours of her life hanging on to every word Xander, Logan and Samantha spoke while she picked at the food on her plate. She had purposely not made eye contact, hoping Samantha would catch on that she wasn’t in a particularly chatty mood.
While the three of them had chatted it up, Mercedes had only partially heard what they were saying, not because she wasn’t interested in the new business venture that Xander had proposed. No, she was having trouble focusing because she was doing her best to keep her thoughts from getting away from her. If that happened, she was pretty sure she would break down and cry.
The thought pissed her off.
She didn’t cry. Ever. It was easier to keep things bottled up, to never get her hopes up, to never anticipate anything other than what she could do for herself. Yet here she was, wishing like hell Xander would tell her he wanted more than five days. That he realized in that short amount of time that she was the one he wanted.
No, she didn’t like what that said about her either. But she couldn’t deny the hope that had flared deep inside of her when he’d used his safe word, saving them all from disaster.
But he hadn’t wanted to talk about it.
Sneaking out of Xander’s condo before dawn wasn’t the best idea, she had known that at the time. When he had arrived at her front door, insisting that she talk to him, she’d pushed him away yet again. It had been a test of sorts. One he failed miserably.
Or maybe she was the one who had failed.
Rather than stay and talk, rather than push her to open up to him, Xander had given in and walked away. Giving her the space she had asked for.
But why not? Their time was over. He didn’t owe her anything and vice versa.
After he left, she had spent the better part of the morning in her home office and the afternoon with a new client who seemed genuinely interested in purchasing one of the luxurious downtown condos she’d shown him. Even now, Mercedes had a hard time remembering which places she’d shown him.
Considering her state of mind after what had happened last night, Mercedes was grateful her client had been so agreeable. Had he not been, she wasn’t sure what she might’ve done.
Aside from that brief reprieve from her overwhelming thoughts, Mercedes had spent the day in a fog.
She blamed Xander.
The man had left her completely out of sorts. Especially after he’d taken her home from Devotion and cared for her so sweetly. They’d shared a bath and to her surprise, he hadn’t questioned her about what had happened during their scene. She’d appreciated that more than him soaping her up and then using his skilled fingers to make her come apart twice more before they finally fell into bed.
At least she hadn’t had the dream last night. The one that included the shell of a man she’d come to care about more than she was willing to admit. The same man that she had set out to dominate, to prove to both of them just who she was, and failed.
She figured she wouldn’t be having the dream again because she feared Xander had worn her down and her need to dominate was fading like print on old newspaper.
She was a fucking submissive. Wait. Scratch that.
She was his fucking submissive.
The notion was like a slap in the face and Mercedes wasn’t at all happy. Up until last night, she’d been able to tell herself that she just n
eeded the opportunity to dominate Xander. To prove to him that she was merely acting when she submitted to him.
Yeah, well, they’d both learned the cold hard truth, hadn’t they?
Mercedes had submitted to him. Not just once, but many times. Including one time without any provocation on his part.
In fact, last night at Devotion, she had focused more of her attention on Clarissa and less on Xander. Because she knew deep in her heart that she didn’t want to dominate him.
She was in love with Xander Boone.
Head over heels in love with him.
Never in her life would she have thought herself capable of falling in love for real. And definitely not with a Dom.
Then again, it did explain the series of bad relationships she’d had over the years. She’d obviously been going about it all wrong for her entire life.
During the day, when she had been showing one condo after another to a man who had more money than sense, she had come to realize that she had been working diligently to be something she wasn’t. A Domme. She had wasted years of her life trying to dominate men because that kept them at a distance; it refrained them from having any power over her.
The way her father had when she was just a child.
And now she had no power whatsoever.
But worse than that, she feared that Xander thought less of her for it. If he were as interested in her as he acted, he was probably rethinking now that he knew she was weak.
Mercedes knew the type of women he dated. They were all strong willed, even if they submitted to him sexually. They weren’t the meek submissives he tended to play with from time to time at Kink. The women who held his interest wouldn’t just roll over and give up.
God, she hated this pity party she’d thrown herself. She wanted to get out of her funk, but the day had only continued to get worse when she realized Xander had never called. At least not until he needed a date to a business dinner with Logan and Samantha.
Oh, sure, she had tried to sound relieved, but the truth was, she had been disappointed. Xander hadn’t been planning a romantic dinner for just the two of them. He hadn’t had any intention of spending time with her.
Or maybe this was his way of letting her down gently. Moving their relationship back to a platonic – slash – business friendship. He probably hoped she wouldn’t even realize it.
“What do you think?”
Mercedes focused on the faces around her and realized Samantha had asked her a direct question. Since she had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, she felt like a fool sitting there staring at her.
“I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me,” she muttered, reaching for her clutch and rising from her chair.
At the exact same time, both men stood, neither of them reclaiming their seats until she was several feet away.
Rather than run to the bathroom and break down in tears like she first intended, Mercedes did something worse.
She took off out of the restaurant and straight to her car. And as soon as she was safely inside, the tears broke free and didn’t stop, even when she walked through her front door.
Chapter Thirty Seven
Xander knew the moment Mercedes excused herself that she was going to bolt from the restaurant and not look back. No, he hadn’t gone after her. He had wanted to, he just hadn’t done it. But that was because he was hoping against hope that she would decide to come back on her own.
When he realized the inevitable had happened, and Mercedes had been gone for fifteen minutes, Xander kindly asked Sam if she would go check on her. A few minutes after that, Sam had returned to inform him that she wasn’t in the restroom but that she did inquire with the hostess, and the woman personally saw Mercedes leave the restaurant a short while ago.
Not surprising.
Without hesitating, Xander had excused himself with a quick apology to Logan and Samantha, who politely waved him off, encouraging him to go after her. On his way out, he left his credit card number with the waiter and headed for his car. The drive home took half the time it should have, but he was a man on a mission.
Once he made it to Mercedes’s front door, he didn’t even bother knocking. Instead, he used the key he had and waltzed right in.
That was when his heart had lurched right into his throat.
Following the sound coming from the back of the condo, Xander slowly made his way, his heart racing as he closed the distance between himself and the woman he loved.
Just as he thought, she was in her bedroom. With one foot inside the room, he came to a halt when he saw her standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows, silhouetted by the bright lights of the city in the distance.
But she wasn’t admiring the view.
She was crying.
Rooted in place by the sight, he tried desperately to find his voice but couldn’t. He cleared his throat in an attempt to dislodge the giant knot of emotion that had formed upon hearing her soft sobs, and to alert her to his presence.
In a move that was very unlike Mercedes, she turned to face him, not bothering to try and wipe the tears he knew were streaming down her face. Although she was in shadow, he could still see her face. She didn’t smile, and she didn’t offer any excuses as to what she was upset about.
He already knew.
He was the reason for the tears and the thought made his gut churn.
Knowing Mercedes, she had spent the better part of the day trying to come to terms with what had happened last night. But, unlike him, she wasn’t coming to the same conclusion Xander had.
No, Mercedes wasn’t thinking that the reason he’d ended their scene so abruptly had anything to do with the fact that he had fallen in love with her. She wasn’t the glass half full type of woman.
He would take the blame for that. It wasn’t like he’d made a full-fledged effort to try and talk to her about it. Quite the opposite. Instead of telling her how he felt last night when they’d come back to his place, Xander had, for lack of a better term, chickened out.
And to make matters worse, Xander had convinced himself that she had needed some time and distance to sort through what she was feeling. So he’d left her alone.
“Why didn’t you say something?” she whispered.
He could barely make out her words, but he heard enough to process the question, but for the life of him, he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to. Surely she wasn’t asking why he hadn’t just come out and told her that he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Not after what had transpired at Devotion.
She must’ve realized he was at a loss because she continued. “Did you not even think to question what happened between us last night?”
Last night?
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the sight of her tears, but Xander wasn’t functioning on all cylinders. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol because he hadn’t had enough to even get buzzed, much less enough to jumble his thoughts.
But seeing Mercedes cry… that was enough to tear him up inside. In all the time he’d known her, never once had he seen her cry.
“I didn’t have a reason to question last night,” he told her now, trying to put two and two together, but still coming up short. Sure, there were other nights he had thought to question, like the first time they made love, or every time after that.
“No? You used your safe word, Xander. You backed out of the scene, but you didn’t ask any questions.”
Xander stared at her. “Me? What about you? Did you think to question me? Did you think to ask why I couldn’t go through with it?”
“I did ask you why!” she countered. “You didn’t answer me.”
She was right. He hadn’t answered her. And for very good reason. The last damn thing he had wanted was to profess his love for her in a glass room at a fetish club. He had more class than that. “I didn’t want to say it then,” he admitted, realizing he was being vague.
“Why? Because I failed?” she asked on a sob. “Beca
use I pushed too hard? I don’t blame you, Xander. I know I failed. I tried to manipulate the scene because I was invested, but I was too attached to see clearly.”
“That’s not why I used my safe word. I used it because I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want another woman, Mercedes. Don’t you understand that?” Xander moved closer because he couldn’t stand to be so far away from her.
“Stop,” she snapped, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t need your pity, Xander. I know what you think of me. I know you’re trying to find a way to let me down easy, but I’m here to tell you not to bother. Our five days are over. You win.”
“Win?” Xander couldn’t control his outrage. As his heart rate doubled, fear digging its talons deep into his soul, he swallowed, then bit out, “How the fuck do I win if you walk away?”
“You did what you set out to do. You proved that I’m submissive. I don’t hold a candle to you, Xander. I’m not built the way you are. I gave up too easily. So, yes, you were right.”
“I wasn’t out to prove anything,” Xander growled, ignoring her request for him to stay back. He moved until he was practically up against her. He tipped her chin with his finger, forcing her to look up at him. “I wanted to be close to you. You gave me that. So, if you want to think I won, then yes, maybe so. But only because I had you with me.
“You know me, Mercedes. You know how I think. I didn’t just come up with this out of the fucking blue. I found an opportunity, and I exploited it. That’s what I do. I go after what I want. And I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
Mercedes honestly looked shocked by his admission. Xander inhaled deeply, lowered his voice and continued, “And after that first night at Devotion, I knew for a fact that what I felt for you was real. There was – no, there is – something between us, Mercedes. I’m not willing to ignore it any longer. That was the reason for this. Not because I wanted to prove something. I don’t give a damn about any of the rest of it. I care about you.” I love you, he thought to himself. He didn’t say the words because he knew she wouldn’t hear him. She didn’t want to hear him right now, he could see it in her eyes.
Perception Page 32
