by Lynne Curry
Holds past employees, employers, or coworkers responsible
for his unhappiness
Hates to have her authority questioned
Treats others poorly when he can get away with it
Delights in making your life difficult
Intimidates you or others
Puts you in the wrong so she can make herself appear right
Beware: What the Bul y Wants, the Bul y Gets
LAURA BUILT HER business from scratch while living on rice, beans, and
peanut butter. Over years of sixty-hour workweeks, she’d created essen-
tial materials for anyone who wanted to launch a successful business in
her field.
Through her hard work and passion about the services she provided
her clients, Laura made a name for herself. Clients sought her out, and
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Are You a Bully Magnet? ❚ 15
her business produced a growing profit. She hired an administrative
assistant and focused on providing her clients with top-quality work.
When Laura decided to grow her business, she hired Martin and com-
mitted herself to helping him develop.
Despite Laura’s generosity, Martin envied how clients viewed his boss.
He wanted her reputation for himself. He took Laura’s name and copy-
right off original materials she’d developed, and replaced them with his
own. He bad-mouthed her to clients.
When Laura cal ed Martin on his actions, he smiled an al igator smile,
and said, “So sad, too bad, see you around” and walked out the door
before she could fire him. After Martin left, Laura not only spent weeks
cleaning up the messes Martin made, she also learned that Martin had
solicited her best clients for his planned new business.
Although some clients hadn’t liked Martin, several asked, “Were you
asleep at the wheel?” Laura soon realized that al owing Martin too much
latitude before she got to know him tarnished her reputation along with
Martin’s.
In the weeks that fol owed, several clients cal ed Laura sharing the
stories Martin had told them about her, al eging she’d come on to him
sexual y, and fired him when he’d turned her down. Though few cli-
ents believed these stories, just hearing them made Laura sick to her
stomach.
Then the tweets and blog postings from myriad email accounts
started coming. Posters Laura didn’t know and couldn’t trace accused
her of lying about her degree, sleeping with clients, and stealing oth-
ers’ work and passing it off as her own. Laura, who had loved going to
work and interacting with clients in person and on social media, soon
dreaded answering the phone or logging on to Twitter.
One by one, Laura’s clients left her, in part because she never
regained her fighting spirit, al owing Martin to “steal” the reputation he
envied.
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16 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Has a bully come after you because you had something he or she
wanted?
On the Radar: An Easy Target
SONJA WAS INEXPERIENCED and new to the workplace, so she kept
to herself. Her tremulous voice and slender build gave her an air of
permanent fragility. She worked alongside Alice, who excel ed at snip-
ing. “Look who forgot to button her blouse,” Alice quipped when Sonja
walked into the staff meeting. When Sonja reddened, Alice snickered,
“Look who’s gul ible!”
As Sonja cast her eyes down, Alice continued to bait her. “Looking at
your photo badge,” she proclaimed, grabbing the photo ID on the lan-
yard around Sonja’s neck. “I would too. That’s an awful picture. Go back
to HR and make them take it again!”
Sonja, reeling from the public attack and unable to think of how
to handle it, sat in frozen silence during the short staff meeting, even
though the topic was one in which she had a keen interest. Alice, how-
ever, spoke out, scoring points with the corporate executive who chaired
the meeting.
When Sonja returned to her desk, she put her head down. She’d let
Alice attack her without defending herself.
Like Sonja, do you signal you’re an easy target? Bullies read peo-
ple for a living, choosing vulnerable individuals who wear their sensi-
tivity on their sleeves as targets.
Are You an Easy Target?
Questions to ask yourself include:
Are you meek?
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Are You a Bully Magnet? ❚ 17
Would you rather submit to bad treatment than engage in
conflict?
Have you made the mistake of letting the wrong person
know you were exploited in a prior job?
Does past personal trauma haunt you, causing you to freeze
when confronted?
Are you social y isolated, without work al ies to back you up
and ward off a bul y’s attacks?
Do others consider you unlikely to confront them if they
tread on you?
Do you signal vulnerability in other ways?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, bul ies may find
you on their radar.
If You Let Them, They Will Do It: Lousy Treatment
THE FIRST TIME Andy barked at Annette, she raised an eyebrow and
asked, “Bad day? Would you prefer I come back later?” “Let’s do it,”
he snarled. “You people push for this and push for that. You think you’re
the only people who count. What’s this f---ing email you sent all about?”
Annette got up and left his office.
Andy sent her a stormy email, which she forwarded to their supervisor
and Human Resources. The next day, a chastened Andy responded with
the information Annette had requested.
By contrast, Annette’s predecessor, Suzanne, stayed put despite
Andy’s tirades, even when he cal ed her a “f---ing bitch.” Convinced she
needed Andy’s information to complete her report, Suzanne endured
meetings in which a red-faced Andy screamed in her face. When
Suzanne final y quit, others asked why she had put up with it for so long.
Suzanne answered, “I kept thinking it would get better.”
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18 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Do bullies target you because you let them?
Don’t pass the test you should fail. Bullies eat nice people alive.
They test to see if you’ll allow bad treatment and, if you do, they esca-
late their abuse.
Just Say “No”: Give Away Your Power
AFTER LEAVING HER last job to get away from a bul y, Tova hoped for
a fresh start in her new position as an inside sales professional. Her new
boss, Buck, told her she’d support the rest of the sales team, and also
have her own clients.
“Will they mind that I’ve never done sales?” Tova asked.
“We’re hiring you for your administrative support skil s, essential for
success in inside sales. Besides, you’ll have Ariel e, the other woman on
the team, to help you get the hang of things.”
The problems began her first day. As Tova headed to her desk, A
riel e
asked, “You like coffee?” “I love it,” answered Tova. “Great,” said Ariel e.
“When you grab yours from the cart in the lobby, I want a café latte
grande with caramel.”
Not sure what the customs were on her new team, Tova said “Sure,”
and headed to the cart. When she handed Ariel e her $5 drink, Ariel e,
who was on the phone, waved her away, mouthing, “Busy.”
Tova expected Ariel e to reciprocate with coffee the next morning.
Ariel e didn’t. Instead, when Ariel e saw Tova heading for the coffee
cart, Ariel e cal ed out, “My usual.” Tova didn’t want to make waves,
and knew she needed Ariel e’s guidance to become a success, so she
bought Ariel e a second latte. And a third.
Tova never received guidance from Ariel e. Once, when Tova handed
Ariel e a draft proposal and asked, “I’d like your thoughts on this,” Ariel e responded, “Do you know your name is a four-letter word?”
As Tova’s jaw dropped, Ariel e said, “You asked my thoughts. That’s
what I thought.”
Shocked, Tova said, “That hurts!”
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Are You a Bully Magnet? ❚ 19
“Oh, poor baby,” Ariel e goaded, smiling at another employee.
“Toughen up.”
While others on the sales team weren’t the bul y Ariel e was, they soon
learned that if they asked, “Hey, Tova, could you . . . ,” she would say,
“Sure.” That didn’t mean they helped Tova when Ariel e belittled her.
Instead, the others, like Ariel e, gave Tova the grunt work projects they
didn’t want. Although Tova knew the requests were unreasonable, she
did what they asked.
Like Tova, do you have no power, or do you have “no” power? If
you’re tired of being a doormat, you owe it to yourself to say “no more”
or “stop” when a bully takes advantage of you or puts you down. If
you allow disrespectful treatment, you hand over your power.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. What in the past put you in a bul y’s crosshairs? Which of the
six factors fits you?
2. Into what category does head nurse Mol y fit? What mis-
takes did she make?
3. If you’ve had bad luck, how do you plan to make it
change? If you are unable to change your situation, how
can you change your responses to the bul ying in a way that
doesn’t feed the bul y’s desire to hurt or demean you?
4. Have you ignored warning signs? If so, which? What have
you learned for next time?
5. Has a bul y come after you because you had something the
bul y wanted? If so, have you let the bul y take it away? Is
there a way you can regain what was yours?
6. Are there ways in which you signal that you are an easy
target?
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20 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
7. You’re a walking history of everything that’s happened to
you until you decide to rewrite your history. Are there past
incidents that have made you vulnerable to bul ying? Write
two of them on a piece of paper, then describe what you
want your pattern to be in the future.
8. Have you given away your power as Mol y and Tova did?
Name one way in which you can immediately start to take
your power back. Put your decision into action within the
week.
Some of these questions may have stirred up past emo-
tions. Which ones? Shame? Sadness? Anger? Despair? Tel
yourself you can let go of those feelings, that you don’t
need to keep holding them inside. When you are hurt, you
may find yourself holding onto the hurt. You may feel that
if you can figure it out, it won’t be as painful. Unfortunately,
you often hurt yourself all over again when you think about
an experience that drags you down. If that’s the case, you
may want to find a private place and let yourself express
that feeling by crying, punching soft pil ows, or shaking your
fists. You may decide to journal. If that doesn’t work, you
may want to locate a coach or counselor in your area.
NOTES
1. Naomi Shavin, “What Workplace Bullying Looks Like in 2014—and How
to Intervene,” workplace bullying study by David Maxfield and Joseph Grenny, Forbes, June 25, 2014.
2. Gary Namie, 2014 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey, February 2014,
http://www.workplacebullying.org/wbiresearch/wbi-2014-us-survey.
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2
YOU CAN RUN,
BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE
BULLIES DON’T GO AWAY ON THEIR OWN
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly
find out how far one can go.
—T. S. ELIOT
B
“ EING TREATED AS IF I was a piece of crap at work took away my
sense of who I was and replaced it with shame,” said head nurse
Mol y. “I’d never met someone as cold, self-righteous, or cruel as Pauline.
After weeks of being bul ied, I didn’t know what to do but quit.”
When a bully first confronts you, you may wonder, “Why me?”
The answer—while bullying says more about the bully than it does
about you, you’re the one who has to learn to stand up for yourself.
You may have tried to ignore a workplace bully, hoping things
would get better on their own. You may believe that if you act pro-
fessionally and politely, bullies will leave you alone or act nicely in
return.
This ignores the truth about bullying.
You can’t expect bullies to go away on their own.
Bullies perceive niceness and avoidance as weakness and an invi-
tation to take advantage. Those who don’t stand up to the bully’s ini-
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22 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
tial attack signal they’re easy prey and inadvertently encourage con-
tinued bullying.
When someone snipes at you and you ignore it, most people take
the hint, realize they are being jerks, and stop. Those folks aren’t
bullies.
On the other hand, if a bully insults you and you don’t counter it,
the bully pokes a second time, testing your boundaries. If you don’t
counter the second jab, you prove you’re an easy target. The situation
then spirals out of control, and the bullying escalates, particularly if
the workplace audience rewards the bully with laughter.
You may consider bullies wrongdoers who need to fix the prob-
lems they create. In practice, the opposite is true. Even if what’s hap-
pening isn’t your fault, you are the one who must fix it, because you
can’t expect the bully to change.
You may expect to receive help from coworkers or your supervisor
when under fire. However, many bullies reveal their true selves only
to their target while maintaining a charming front to the rest of the
world. Also, because the rest of us give the benefit of the doubt to everyone until we personally experience otherwise, bystanders rarely
help those slammed by bullies. When bystanders finally realize what’s
going on, they may run for cover or
consider the fight yours rather
than theirs.
Under current law, bullying isn’t illegal, unless it evolves into
physical violence or is directed against employees who have “pro-
tected” status under municipal, state, or federal laws, such as Title
VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Age Discrimination in
Employment Act, or the Americans with Disabilities Act. Unfortu-
nately for you and millions of other workplace bullying victims, most
employers lack anti-bullying policies of their own and treat work-
place bullying as if it was a dirty little secret. As a result, victims must
figure out how to handle the situation on their own. If you are one of
these “unprotected” victims, you may be tolerating bullying, hoping
it goes away.
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You Can Run, but You Can’t Hide ❚ 23
Are You a Victim of Bullying?
Bul ies often do things that make your work life a nightmare.
Do you walk on eggshel s around an individual with a
hair-trigger temper?
Does someone you work with regularly call you vile names
or insult you?
Does a coworker, boss, or other employee intimidate you
with aggressive body language or physical violence?
Does a boss, coworker, or other employee humiliate you in
front of others and/or repeatedly berate you in private?
Does a coworker subject you to a stream of insulting emails?
Do you work with a person who frequently criticizes you in
public because he or she knows you won’t fight back?
If so, you may have shut your eyes to the fact you’re
being bullied.
Further, others in your workplace may encourage you to compro-
mise with the bully. They may question whether you’re making things
up or creating the problem. They may abandon or betray you. You
may feel you stand alone—and that may be true.
Many victims internalize bullying, feeling they somehow deserve
the treatment they receive. You may wonder what’s wrong with you or
why you can’t handle the situation.
If you’re experiencing bullying, you’re not to blame.
If you take what a bully says or does personally, or allow dis-
respectful treatment, you collude with the bully and abdicate your
responsibility to yourself. Don’t let bullies stomp on your spirit or
invite themselves into your head.
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