Beating the Workplace Bully

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Beating the Workplace Bully Page 8

by Lynne Curry


  the former managers to promote to director, they selected Todd. “Floyd’s

  a great guy,” said one, “but he doesn’t handle change wel . This merger

  has completely rattled him.”

  Bullies set games in motion and win if we play their games. If you

  want to escape a bully’s control, you need to put on your game face,

  and then change the game.

  PUT ON YOUR GAME FACE

  Whoever said “fake it till you make it” spoke wisely. Here’s a quick

  experiment that may surprise you. Stand or sit as if you’re depressed.

  Your head goes down, your shoulders slump, and your chest bows

  inward. Now, maintain that stance while thinking “confidence,

  energy, enthusiasm, and power.” If you’re like most people, these pos-

  itive words make you want to straighten up.

  Now, stand as if you just won the Publishers Clearing House’s mil-

  lion-dollar prize. Chances are that your demeanor changed to one of

  exuberance and excitement. Now, allow yourself to feel intimidated,

  fearful, humiliated, or depressed and, at the same time, try to main-

  tain that joyous stance. Did you find it hard to do?

  That’s the impact of how you feel on how you look. How you

  feel impacts how you physically stand or sit and how you stand or sit

  impacts what you feel. The good news is you can learn how to put on

  a game face and simultaneously make yourself feel more confident.

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  62 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  LOOK AT YOURSELF FROM THE OUTSIDE IN

  When a bully confronts you, do you quake inside? Or visibly telegraph

  that you’re intimidated by trembling or reddening? Do you show your

  fear by breathing rapidly and shallowly? Bullies watch body language

  and pounce when they detect hesitancy.

  What if instead of trembling and breathing faster, you took a calm-

  ing breath, visualized an image that gave you a sense of strength, and

  then stood or sat tall with your head up, chin out, and eyes focused

  on what was in front of you? Not only would you send an “I’m not the

  easy prey you think” nonverbal message, your stance would have a

  positive effect on how you felt inside, where you most needed it.

  Let’s try another experiment. Sit like a lady (even you guys), ankles

  crossed, hands folded in your lap. Could you possibly take up any less

  space? Do you feel submissive in that position? You do the same thing

  to yourself when you fear a bully’s attack and sit slouched with your

  eyes averted, shoulders slumped, chest caved in, and head down. In

  other words, you increase your feeling of surrender.

  Now sit like a confident, secure, assertive individual, and you’ll

  notice that you immediately take up more space even though your

  body size doesn’t actually change.

  How do you stand when you are nervous or feel intimidated?

  Slouched to the side or erect as a strong, assertive, confident person

  would? Try this experiment. Stand erect, legs apart, head up, eyes

  open, chin out, and your weight balanced equally on both feet. Notice

  how it feels. Then slouch to the left or right, lower your head, and

  hunch your shoulders. In which position do you feel stronger?

  Take a few minutes to practice sitting tall while you breathe deeply

  and slowly. You can read while you do this. How does this posture

  make you feel? If you’re like most of us, physically sitting or standing

  erect and thus acting “as if” you feel confident both strengthens you

  from the outside in and sends a message to the bully and others.

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  Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 63

  Let’s add additional armor. Just as in the last chapter, you thought

  of a loved one, child, pet, or nature scene to ground yourself, visualize

  an image that gives you strength—perhaps someone you love, a cher-

  ished grandparent, someone who symbolizes bravery, or a mountain

  range. Now, focus on this image as you sit or stand erect.

  Once you have the image in your mind, practice mentally flash-

  ing on it while paying full attention to whatever’s going on around you

  at the same time as you adopt a stance or sitting posture that exudes

  strength and confidence. By mentally multitasking and marshaling

  your outward appearance, you will learn to act at ease when con-

  fronted, even when initially intimidated, by a bully. In this way, you

  mentally prepare yourself to handle effectively whatever comes and

  simultaneously send a strong, nonverbal signal to anyone planning to

  bully or actually bullying you.

  REFUSE TO PLAY THE BULLY’S GAME

  Do you remain silent when bullied? Bullies pick on people who don’t

  fight back and tread on those, like Sonja and Tova, who allow them

  to. They count on their ability to intimidate you. They try to control

  you with demands. They weaken you with demeaning statements.

  Remain silent and you collude with bullies. If you kowtow,

  acquiesce, or “turn the other cheek,” hoping to avoid conflict, you

  may discover that bullies often slap that other cheek. If you want to

  avoid bully-collusion, you have to speak up in a manner that says, “I

  stand up to you. I stand up for me.” To do otherwise offers bullies a

  green light.

  Make the Rules: Set Limits

  A sign outside a coffee shop says, “Unattended children will be given

  espresso and a free kitten.” With that simple statement the coffee shop

  declares, “Parents, don’t let your kids run loose.” Similarly, you refuse

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  64 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  to play the bully’s game when you decide what is right for you, and

  what you will and won’t allow. This means setting boundaries for how

  you’ll let others treat you.

  It may be hard for you to set boundaries if you:

  ❚ Don’t know yourself

  ❚ Put others’ needs and feelings first

  ❚ Fear that setting boundaries might jeopardize relation-

  ships you want

  ❚ Don’t believe you have rights

  You can learn to create boundaries by thinking about the work

  life you want for yourself, then describing this life in terms of what

  you feel you have the right to expect from others. These statements

  become your personal “bill of rights.”

  My Personal Bill of Rights

  Here are some sample statements to get you started. You may

  decide you want to adopt all of them; you may want to add

  others:

   I have the right to my own point of view and to express my

  opinions.

   I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and

  feelings.

   I have the right to make my own decisions.

   I have the right to ask for what I want.

   I have the right to be successful.

   I have the right to keep my personal life private.

   I treat others with respect and I deserve to be treated with

  respect.

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  Put on Your Game Face: Don
’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 65

  What do these boundaries mean?

  If you have the right to your own opinions and a workplace bully

  tells you what to think about coworkers, your supervisor, or situations,

  you have the right to say, “I don’t see it that way.” If someone talks

  over you, you have the right to say what you intended to say after the

  interrupter finishes. While you generally don’t need to interrupt him,

  don’t let his talking over you take away your right to speak. If he does

  it again, you have the right to say, “Let me finish.”

  If you have the right to judge your own behavior and you work

  with a judgmental bully who puts you down, you have the right to

  assess yourself and counter her criticism or, realizing her negative

  comments say more about her than they do about you, say nothing.

  If you have the right to make your own decisions, and you work

  alongside someone who persists in deciding for you, you have the right

  to say, “I don’t agree. Here’s what I’ve decided.”

  If you have the right to ask for what you want, you can ask for

  respect in all interactions. You have the right, for example, to ask

  your boss for a raise. If this leads to an insulting discussion that

  makes you wither, you have the right to look for a job that offers

  the respect you deserve. Chapters 8, 9, and 20 offer strategies to

  use when circumstances prevent you from seeking new employment

  and you work for a boss who persistently treats you less well than

  you deserve.

  If you have the right to be successful and a bully coworker pro-

  claims “You’re getting a big head,” or “Who do you think you are?”

  when you shine, you have the right to see jealousy for what it is. Chap-

  ter 9 offers novel ways to put jealous snipers in their place.

  If you have the right to keep your personal life private, and the

  bully at your workplace persists in asking personal questions, you have

  the right to answer, “That’s really none of your business.”

  If you treat others with respect, even when they don’t deserve it, it

  says a great deal about you. It says that respect is one of your core val-

  ues. Similarly, you absolutely have the right to be treated with respect

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  66 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  by everyone in your workplace, whether it’s your supervisor, your

  coworker, or, if you supervise others, your employees. If you decide

  that respect is an inalienable right and someone treats you poorly, you

  have the right to say, “I don’t allow that.”

  Warning: Don’t violate your own boundaries by:

  ❚ Smiling at a joke you find offensive

  ❚ Pretending to agree when you disagree

  ❚ Going along with a bully who does something you don’t

  like

  ❚ Concealing your true feelings

  ❚ Pushing yourself or allowing yourself to be pushed beyond

  your limits

  ❚ Allowing disrespect

  Set the Rules; End the Game

  How does refusing to play the game work and what does it look like in

  action? When you refuse to play the bully’s game, you end the game.

  “Don’t mind me,” your bully says.

  “I do mind.”

  With a single, assertive statement, you change the game.

  If the bully yells “Is that all you got done?” at you, you can send

  your bully a “this far and no further” message by simply answering

  “Yes” instead of explaining defensively all you did and how long it

  took.

  Can you answer in this way without losing your job if the individ-

  ual yelling at you is your boss? Let’s try it.

  Your boss yells at you, “Is that all you got done?”

  The response, “Yes, and what would you like me to handle next?”

  avoids defensiveness yet gives no offense.

  When you refuse to play the game the bully sets in motion, you

  end the game.

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  Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 67

  Your Turn: Where Are You Now?

  1. During the next two days, notice your posture. Are you

  standing tal ? What about when you’re confronted by a

  bul y? If you notice yourself shrinking, take a breath; visualize

  something that gives you power, and stand tall before you

  speak. Don’t wait until you feel strong inside to act strong.

  This week, practice standing, sitting, and walking strong

  every day.

  You may find that when you first try this, you overdo it.

  Don’t let that stop you. Learning how to stand and walk

  strong is like learning to ride a bike. Once you get the hang

  of it, you’ll find it feels increasingly natural; eventual y, it

  becomes second nature.

  2. If you haven’t yet created an image that gives you a sense

  of strength or power, create one now. It may help you to

  consider some of the iconic actresses (Katharine Hepburn,

  Sandra Bul ock, or Barbra Streisand) or actors (Clint East-

  wood, John Wayne, or Denzel Washington) who’ve played

  strong roles. Or, you could find a picture on the Internet of a

  mountain peak (Denali, Everest) that symbolizes steadfast

  strength.

  3. Find a mirror and walk toward it. If you were watching you,

  what would you see as you walked forward? Are your shoul-

  ders slumped? Is your chin tucked down? How would you

  describe your body language if you didn’t know you?

  Back up and walk forward again with good posture,

  your back straight, your shoulders squared, and your head

  up. Here’s a chal enge: All week long, practice walking for-

  ward with strong strides and your head up, chin out, eyes

  open, and shoulders back.

  4. This week, try an experiment. In at least one situation,

  pretend to be brave even if you don’t feel brave. What

  changed? How did it feel?

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  68 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  5. Do you have or have you ever had a bul y in your work life?

  If not, imagine what it would be like and answer these ques-

  tions accordingly. How does your body language change

  when you’re around this person? When you walk into the

  bul y’s office or work area, does your head go down, do

  your shoulders slump? Do you cringe or slightly cower?

  6. If you resolved that from this day forward you will project

  an air of self-confidence, what will you tell yourself to help

  you accomplish this? How will you change your body

  language?

  7. Create your personal bill of rights. What does each right

  mean to you?

  8. What prevents you from exercising those rights? How will

  your life be different if you do?

  9. Describe one or two situations in which you need to estab-

  lish boundaries. What boundaries might you establish? How

  could you express those boundaries creatively (as did the

  coffeehouse that let parents know unattended children

  would be given a free kitten)?

  10. What makes setting boundaries hard for you?
>
  11. Have you ever violated your own boundaries? If so, where

  and when? What led you to do so?

  12. Have you heard a bul y statement recently? If not, make

  one up. What “game over” response could you have given?

  13. If you want further aid in standing tall or marshaling your

  inner and outer strength, call local martial arts studios. Most

  give one free lesson, and you may find you love martial arts

  training.

  14. What insights did you get from this chapter? How can you

  benefit from them?

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  7

  THE EIGHT MOST COMMON BULLY

  TRAPS AND HOW TO AVOID THEM

  Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke.

  —BENJAMIN DISRAELI

  LIKABLE ADAM PRIDED HIMSELF on seeing the best in everyone, so

  when Geoff blasted Adam’s ideas for reshaping their department

  at the staff meeting, Adam thought, “Geoff’s having a bad day.”

  Later, Geoff said in a stage whisper to his sidekick, “Our baby manag-

  er’s pitiful. Can you believe the garbage that comes out of his mouth?”

  Adam told himself that Geoff was just having a hard time because Adam

  had received the promotion Geoff wanted and would come around if

  given time.

  Later that week, as Adam carried two hot, brimful cups of tea back to

  his desk for another manager and himself, Geoff deliberately bumped

  into him. “Yeow!” yelped Adam. Geoff guffawed and asked the young

  receptionist passing them in the hal way, “You hear that cat imitation?”

  She giggled.

  Not knowing what to say, Adam said nothing as he moved off. Adam

  didn’t let his manager know about any of this because (1) he thought

  he should be able to handle the Geoff situation himself and (2) he

  feared his manager would think he’d promoted the wrong employee if

  he couldn’t.

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  70 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  If, like Adam, you take the ostrich approach, you signal you’re

  easy prey and give your bully time to gain the upper hand and allow

  him to take aim at your vulnerabilities.

  Bullies lay traps. They thrive on pushing your buttons and mak-

  ing you react. In that way, they lead you to make mistakes that give

  them the upper hand.

  Knowledge is power. In this chapter you will learn how to recog-

 

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