by Lynne Curry
nize and avoid these bully traps and, if you fall into one of them, you
will learn how to spring up and climb out.
BULLY TRAP #1:
DENIAL—PRETENDING WHAT’S HAPPENING ISN’T
Many targets fall into this trap and deny they’re being bullied because
if they admitted what was happening, they’d have to act. Some peo-
ple outright deny what’s happening. Others minimize, rationalize, or
intellectualize what they see and feel. They may even convince them-
selves that the bully’s actions are justified, leaving them with no one to
blame but themselves—“I must have done something to provoke this.”
If, when you were growing up, someone taught you not to trust
your feelings, the lesson you derived was that other people could dis-
regard how you felt. This led you to believe you had no right to protest
a bully’s taunts. Bullies love victims who distrust their own feelings.
Avoid the denial trap. Instead of looking the other way or down-
playing the situation, let the bully know by your words and actions,
“I see you what you’re doing. It stops now.” Adam could have moved
from doormat to “don’t keep messing with me” status by saying,
“Geoff, I get that you think you would have been a better choice than
I. But you weren’t selected. So get over it.”
Fear, including worry that his manager might feel he made the
wrong choice given Geoff’s resistance, prevented Adam from stand-
ing up for himself when, in fact, doing so would have reinforced in his
manager’s mind that he’d chosen well.
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The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 71
Your bully’s defeat begins when you admit what’s happening and
acknowledge the part you play in it. Stop giving bullies the benefit of
the doubt. With awareness comes power.
BULLY TRAP #2:
COLLUSION—GIVING BULLIES AN OUTPOST IN YOUR HEAD
This was the trap into which Anne fell. She blamed herself for telling
Karla things about her personal life that Karla then embellished and
spread throughout the office to undermine her. Anne further beat
herself up for wanting a friendship with Karla, and told herself that
she was “needy.” Bullied by Karla, Anne tore at her own self-esteem
by criticizing herself for falling prey to a bully’s manipulation.
Head nurse Molly wilted under narcissist bully Pauline’s relentless
“you’re not competent” onslaught, and soft-hearted Sonja cowered
when Alice verbally abused her. Both Molly and Sonja wondered
what they had done wrong to deserve the treatment they received.
You might be mentally calling out “nothing!” on Molly and Son-
ja’s behalf; however, targets often let a bully’s words and actions seep
into their minds.
Disheartened, Molly retired earlier than she had planned. She
let Pauline steal her belief in herself and her pride in twenty years of
accomplishment, which included successfully managing both her job
and the one Pauline was hired to do. Pauline did a number on Molly,
and Molly accepted Pauline’s verdict.
Like Molly, Sonja let a bully flatten her self-esteem. When Alice
told Sonja “makeup would help” and “heels might make a difference
in how your butt looks,” Sonja bought new makeup and wore heels
to work the next day. Sonja even thanked Alice when she announced
“I’m getting you a haircut coupon for Christmas,” not realizing until
Alice’s audience snickered that she’d been set up.
Sonja not only let Alice’s words seep into her thoughts, she joined
forces with Alice, by beating herself up for allowing the abuse. If
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72 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
instead Sonja had responded “How dare you? Do you need to make
yourself feel bigger by taking someone else down?” it would have
made a world of difference.
Never collude with a bully by giving the bully an outpost in your
mind. A bully’s judgmental comments bump into your emotional
and mental space in the same way a bully stepping on your foot
bumps into your physical space. If you swallow a bully’s judgments
or allow the bully to shape how you see yourself, you aid and abet
the bully. Don’t let any bully define who you are. You have the right
to judge your own behavior; after all, who knows you better than
you do?
In Chapters 8 and 10, you will discover how to develop a tough
mental skin, rout the bully from your mind, and develop your fighting
spirit.
BULLY TRAP #3:
DELUSION—EXPECTING THE BULLY TO CHANGE
MARIE HOPED to work things out with Wayne, thinking that her talent
and wil ingness to let Wayne take the lead in most matters would win
him over.
Despite or because of Marie’s skil s and accomplishments, Wayne
wanted her to lose more than he wanted her as a partner. Wayne
barked orders at Marie, put her down in front of employees, criticized the
quality of her work, and complained about her standards. He spread
rumors that she’d won projects by sleeping with clients and made griev-
ous errors, costing their company revenue and other clients.
Do bullies listen? Will they change? Why should they when they
believe they can say “it’s my way or the highway” and others will
fall into line? Bullies lack internal brakes, rationalize their behavior,
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The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 73
and feel justified. While you believe in win/win, bullies hold win/lose
beliefs.
Bullies hear what they want to hear: their own rationalizations.
When you don’t meet a bully’s aggression with a firm “halt,” he con-
siders you less savvy than he is and, therefore, someone who deserves
being walked on. No one deserves that. Hoping for good treatment
from a bully is like entering a ring with a bull, believing he’ll leave you
alone because you’re a vegetarian.
Bullies don’t need to change—what they do works for them. You
give your bully power when you leave it up to him to realize what he
is doing and decide to improve. Marie didn’t realize this in time and
paid for it with her self-esteem. Instead of hoping in vain that a bully
will realize that his actions hurt you and change, you are the one who
needs to change—both your words and actions—in order to outsmart
the bullies in your work life.
Chapters 9 through 20 offer specific strategies for making bullies
change their ways.
BULLY TRAP #4:
DIMINISHMENT—REACTING ANGRILY OR STOOPING
TO THE BULLY’S LEVEL
SILENT GRENADE MIKE scared nine out of ten employees. “He’s spooky,”
said an employee who quit after a week, “sort of like the psycho Hanni-
bal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.”
Big Mitch “fought fire with fire,” and paid for it with his job and subse-
quent damage to his career. When Mike barked at him, Mitch growled
back. When B
ig Mitch continued speaking after Mike interrupted him,
a jaw-tightened, white-faced Mike gave Mitch “the stare,” tel ing him
to sit up straight during a staff meeting. Although everyone in the
meeting temporarily stopped breathing, Big Mitch simply stared back
at Mike.
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74 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
In a fury, Mike ended the meeting, slamming the door as he left the
conference room. Mitch fol owed him. Mike wheeled around, saw him,
and jabbed his fingers at Mitch’s eyes. Mitch reached out, grabbed
Mike’s fingers, and twisted them backward. Mike pul ed his hand back,
and hol ered “You’re out of here!” “You bet I am!” shouted Mitch.
After Mitch left, everyone breathed easier until the police came.
Mike filed assault charges against Mitch, saying Mitch had attacked him
without provocation after staring at him like a lunatic. Although Mitch’s
attorney contacted them, no other employee contested Mike’s version
of the incident. Mitch lost his job and added an arrest to his résumé.
While few targets fight back as aggressively as Mitch did, some
bully victims get angry and seek revenge by “giving back as good as
they got.” They’ve finally “had enough” and get nasty.
This rarely works. When you use bullying tactics, you look like
the bad guy or at least seem to be as much of a problem as the bully.
You may even enable the bully to play the victim to a duped audience.
Further, bullies have years of experience fighting dirty, giving
them the advantage if you climb into the ring. As a result, you gener-
ally lose. Worse, you wind up regretting how you acted.
Don’t fall into this trap by letting a bully push you into being
less than the quality professional person you are. Take a deep breath,
assess the situation, and act rather than react. Olivia succeeded in this
when she encountered a bully on a brutally hot summer day.
SOON AFTER OLIVIA started a new job, her coworkers told her their
manager, Jerry, enjoyed bul ying and sexual y harassing women and
quickly fired anyone whose skil s threatened him.
“What’s he still doing here?” Olivia asked.
“So far it’s been the women’s word against Jerry’s. Besides, Jerry has
powerful friends in the industry and management doesn’t want to act.
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The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 75
They’re a bunch of male chauvinists. They believe the women who speak
up are ‘uppity, complainers, and neurotic.’ Besides, Jerry never does it
around anyone, so it’s always he said/she said.”
When Olivia received an email from Jerry announcing his intention to
conduct her thirty-day review at his house, she emailed back, “Not your
office?” Jerry replied, “I’m feeling a bit under the weather, but this job
review is crucial to your future.”
Olivia arrived at Jerry’s dressed in a tailored business suit with two
copies of the monthly sales report she’d slaved over for hours that morn-
ing. She’d worked through lunch; she was starving.
When she knocked on the partial y open front door, Jerry cal ed,
“Come in, shut the door, and come out back!” She found Jerry drinking
a beer on the back deck, dressed in a tank top and a pair of baggy cut-
offs. He sprawled on a beach chair. Next to him was an open cooler;
on a small table sat a plate of olives. Jerry picked up a giant olive and
sucked it suggestively, saying, “I can’t get enough . . . of these.” Shocked, and already boiling in her suit in the blazing sun, Olivia just stared.
“So, sit, what do you want to tell me, about you-u-u,” her manager
said. Olivia handed him her report. He tossed it aside. Olivia said, “I’ll be glad to talk through my projections.”
“Projections?” Jerry asked, ogling Olivia’s chest.
When Olivia just stared back at him, Jerry scowled and began tel ing
her everything wrong with her as a salesperson. Although he hired her
because she had excel ent skil s, Jerry real y believed that women had
no place in sales, which he went on to explain. Olivia reached into her
jacket pocket and pressed the record button on her smartphone.
“My sales figures in the report you just tossed away speak to my abil-
ity,” Olivia stated in a clear, crisp voice.
“Figures,” Jerry slurred, leering at Olivia’s chest and looking pleased
with himself. He patted his lap. “It’s hot, why don’t you take off your jacket and come sit here, and we’ll talk about your fig . . . ures.”
“On your lap?” Olivia asked, again in a clear voice.
“Something wrong with your hearing?” Jerry said, patting his lap.
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76 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Olivia wheeled around, as Jerry cal ed out “bye-bye.” She then went
straight to Kinko’s and made five copies of her time-dated recording,
one each for the company’s CEO and Human Resources officer, another
for the state’s Human Rights Commission, and one for her attorney and
herself. Instead of sinking to her boss bul y’s level, Olivia took prompt,
decisive action, and Jerry learned that regulatory agencies didn’t like
managers who demeaned and sexual y harassed employees.
BULLY TRAP #5:
SUBMISSION—PLEADING, APOLOGIZING, OR GIVING IN
KARLA SPREAD STORIES about Anne based on nuggets of information
she gleaned after plying Anne with wine. When Anne confronted Karla,
Karla denied any knowledge of the stories.
Anne knew better and pleaded, “Please stop doing this.”
“Can’t help you,” Karla responded.
“Karla, I’m desperate,” Anne begged.
Did begging work? No.
In Chapter 1, Arielle mercilessly took advantage of Tova. After
Arielle stiffed Tova twice, Tova said in a soft voice, “The first one’s
my treat, of course; but do you think you could pay me back for one
of them?” When Arielle gave Tova her “are you kidding me?” look,
Tova backed off. Later Tova said, “I don’t mean to be pushy.” “Then
don’t be,” was Arielle’s response.
When you beg, plead, or give in, you signal that your bully has the
upper hand—not a wise move as bullies believe that weak individu-
als deserve poor treatment. Stop expecting compassion from bullies.
They respect only strength and power.
What makes bullies change? Negative consequences to them.
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The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 77
Climb out of this trap by remembering what matters to your bully:
herself and her needs. Show bullies what they win or lose if they treat
you differently. Don’t be afraid to firmly and professionally dish out
negative consequences as Annette (Chapter 1) demonstrated when she
forwarded bully Andy’s stormy email to their supervisor and Human
Resources. For more insights on alternatives to pleading, check out
Chapters 9 and 10.
BULLY TRAP #6:
PASSIVITY—NOT STANDING UP TO OR APPEASING THE BU
LLY
Those who work around loud-mouthed, negative, complaining bullies
like Chapter 4’s Camille often think they chose the right path by lis-
tening obediently and remaining passive.
Other targets try to appease their bullies. When you let bullies
push you around because they may get “ugly” if you don’t, you play a
losing game. Bullies know others back down in the face of aggression,
so they play your fear to their advantage. Never make an unhealthy
compromise to prevent a confrontation. If a bully criticizes you un-
fairly (and yes, the bully realizes it’s unfair) and you back off, you show
the bully you can be pushed around.
Further, because Camille-type bullies view those who listen as
“on their side,” you inspire true fury when you “betray” them by later
voicing contrary opinions. Worse, when you try to appease a bully,
you erode your own self-esteem to the point where you may feel you
deserve the bullying you receive.
Bullies hesitate, however, to joust with those willing to stand up to
them. Jillian proved this.
JILLIAN HAD JUST been hired as a contract employee for a large com-
puter networking company and assigned a desk next to Nel ie. Nel ie
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78 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
and Jil ian were given space in the accounting area, on a different floor
from their IT coworkers, because their manager wanted Nel ie to orient
Jil ian and there wasn’t room for both women in the network administra-
tion area. The move angered Nel ie.
On her first day, Jil ian greeted Nel ie by saying, “Hi, I’m looking for-
ward to working with you. I hope we can be good teammates.”
“Because of you, I’m stuck over here,” Nel ie said, glowering. “Hope-
ful y, not for long.”
The next week Nel ie put in a request to be moved back to the net-
work administration area. When she learned her request had been
denied, she threw a temper tantrum.
“I’m sorry,” Jil ian said. “I can’t do anything about it.”
“You could leave,” snarled Nel ie.
The next day, Nel ie sent Jil ian a lengthy email saying she noticed
an odor emanating from Jil ian. “It’s not a bad odor—you don’t stink;
it’s just that I’m sensitive to something you’re wearing.” Nel ie copied the
Human Resources representative who visited both Nel ie and Jil ian. The
