by Lynne Curry
in “C,” you choose accommodation.
Accommodators live with the rules and within the parameters
established by others in an effort to preserve harmony and avoid dis-
ruption. Accommodators neglect their own concerns to satisfy other
people’s needs and believe the myth “Mellow your enemies with
kindness.”
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232 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Accommodation proves an excellent choice when the issue mat-
ters more to the other person than it does to you, and when a good-
will gesture or a cooling-off period improves one’s eventual results.
Accommodation can serve as a bandage but is not a permanent fix
because although others may feel better, you haven’t addressed the
underlying conflict. Newly promoted Adam tried to accommodate
Geoff by letting Geoff know Adam considered Geoff valuable and
wanted things to work out. As Adam learned, if you’re an accommo-
dator, you may give up more than you want, and accommodation
works only if it leads the other person to positively respond.
Accommodation language includes “I’ll go along with this
because it matters to you, even though it’s not my first or even second
choice” and “I can put up with this.”
“D”: If you have thirty or more points
in “D,” you move forward fearfully.
Although you act, you worry and telegraph your hesitation to oth-
ers. Bullies can control you, as you strive to appease them even when
you know they’re wrong. At the same time, you’re headed in the right
direction and can grow this style into a more assertive one by honing
your skills in each real-life situation.
Maura wound up confronting a bully attorney after she fired an
employee who pirated her material. Softhearted Maura told Elliott
she wished him well and tried to resolve the conflict by sending
him multiple letters “reminding” him the stolen materials weren’t
his. Although Maura didn’t wholeheartedly choose legal action, she
learned she could stand firm when she prevailed after a showdown
with a scorched-earth bully in front of the judge.
Moving forward with fear language includes, “I know you didn’t
mean this, but it hurts” and “I wish you wouldn’t do this in the future.”
“E”: If you have thirty or more points
in “E,” you handle conflict assertively.
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The Times Are Changing: Have You? ❚ 233
You approach conflict in a direct, straightforward manner. You
handle issues proactively and not aggressively. Annette handled Andy
assertively when she got up and left Andy’s office. If you choose “E”
consistently, you both watch out for your own interests and respect the
rights of others.
Wording that characterizes your “E” style includes “Let’s deal
with the core issues,” “I’m standing my ground,” “I know we’ll work it
out,” and “I’m calling the situation as I see it.” The “E” style addresses
the underlying issues that create conflicts and achieves maximum
results in most situations.
“F”: If you have thirty or more points
in “F,” you use a “toe-to-toe,” head-on approach.
This style is often selected when managers need to implement
unpopular courses of action or you as an individual feel fed up. This
power-oriented mode handles conflicts quickly and can work well in
emergency situations, yet achieves poor results in most other situations.
Mitch used this strategy in Chapter 7 when he and Mike had a
staring contest, ending when Mike jabbed his fingers at Mitch’s eyes
and Mitch grabbed and twisted Mike’s fingers backwards.
People in this category believe that “might makes right” and rarely
worry about consequences. Language that characterizes this style
includes “Knock it off,” “Do not mess with me,” and “Tell [him or her]
[she or he] needs to clean it up.” Occasionally the unresolved issues
that remain can unravel the outcome you hope to achieve.
Many bullies have thirty or more points in “F.”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
WHAT TO DO IF YOU WITNESS BULLYING
Are you one of the 28.7 million individuals who, according to the
2014 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey published by the Workplace
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
234 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Bullying Institute, witness bullying in the workplace on an ongoing
basis?1
Have you spoken up or intervened? Or do you believe it’s not your
place to speak up?
It is. If you don’t, who will?
Silent witnesses send bullies and those they bully a message. Your
silence and inaction colludes with bullies and tells them you fear them
or sanction their actions. Your silence sends a worse message to those
they bully. It says you don’t care how they’re treated, and that you
agree they deserve to be bullied.
When you speak up or intervene, you say “I don’t tolerate bully-
ing.” You tell the victim you care. Your action also tells the bully you
don’t intend to become the next target, a wise preventative action
given that the 2014 VitalSmarts survey documents that 80 percent of
bullies affect five or more individuals.2
If you fear that speaking up may lead the bully to turn on you,
overcome your fear and speak up now. It may be just a matter of
time before the bully takes you on even if you remain silent. Bullies
attack the easiest prey first. Speaking up deflects rather than attracts
a bully’s interest. If you don’t want to speak directly to the bully, seek
out a senior manager or a member of your organization’s human
resources staff.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. How accurately did your scores on the Curry Conflict Inven-
tory reflect how you handle conflict?
2. What did you learn from the results?
3. Were there any surprises?
4. Have you been a conflict avoider in the past? Has reading
Beating the Workplace Bul y made you less so?
5. What changes do you plan to make in how you handle con-
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
The Times Are Changing: Have You? ❚ 235
flict in the future? What’s your plan? If you haven’t created
a conflict-handling goal and game plan yet, use the steps
in Chapter 22 to develop one that you’ll implement.
6. Have you witnessed bul ying?
7. Are you a silent witness? If so, what message do you send?
How does your lack of action sanction bul ying?
8. What message do you want to send the bul y and the indi-
vidual currently targeted?
9. Is now the time to intervene? If not now, what are you wait-
ing for?
10. Does it take courage for you to speak up? How can you
summon that courage?
11. If you plan to report the bul ying to someone other than the
bul y, to whom will you speak? Make an appointment with
that individual today.
IT’S TIM
E TO CELEBRATE!
What’s changed since you picked up this book? Have you opened
your mind to new insights and possibilities? Has doing the exercises
restored your self-worth? Have you discovered more of who you are?
The future is bright. Not without risk, but with promise.
It’s your turn.
NOTES
1. Gary Namie, 2014 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey, February 2014,
http://www.workplacebullying.org/wbiresearch/wbi-2014-us-survey.
2. Naomi Shavin, “What Workplace Bullying Looks Like in 2014—
and How to Intervene,” workplace bullying study by David Max-
field and Joseph Grenny, Forbes, June 25, 2014, http://www.forbes
.com/sites/naomishavin/2014/06/25/what-work-place-bullying-looks-
like-in-2014-and-how-to-intervene.
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INDEX
Absey v. Echosphere, 220
on work quality, 10
abstractions, vs. actionable steps, ix
auditory processing, 56
abusive conduct, vii, 200
avoidance, bully perception of, 21–22
prevalence in 2014, ix, 12
avoidance style, 231
accommodation, 47
accommodation style, 231–232
bad luck, 12–13
Age Discrimination in Employment
baiting, 16
Act, 22
begging, 76
aggression, 77, 198
Bible
aggressive manipulation, 11
Proverbs 22:24-25, 117
allies, help of, 126–127
John 8:32, 110, 128
alternate focus, 57, 128
Romans 8:31, 128
Americans with Disabilities Act, 22,
Ephesians 6:14, 128
209
bill of rights, personal, 64–66
anger, 167, 197–201
Birdsall, Richard, 207, 221
managing, 198–199
Blakey, Tammy, 158, 161, 222
angry, aggressive jerk, 35–36,
Blakey v. Continental Airlines, 222
117–123
blame, 23, 111–112, 118
anonymity, of cyberbullies, 157–158
blame/shame game, 94–96
anti-bullying policy, 206–207, 212
blind spot of leaders, 205
Aristotle, 32
blog postings, 15
The Art of War (Sun Tzu), 161
body language, 62
assertive handling of conflict,
boss, shape-shifter and, 40
232–233
boss as bully, 164–172
attacks, 16
avoiding confrontation, 166–167
counterattack, 154–155, 159
besting, 170–171
defense against, 16, 95–96
interest in self, 168–169
for employee exercise of protected
boundaries, 63–66
right, 218–219
bully testing of, 22
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
238 ❚ INDEX
brain, left and right hemisphere
button pushing, 149, 150
functions, 49
breathing, 49–50, 96–97, 128
California, Workplace Violence
bullies
Safety Act, 217
evaluating self as, 199–201
Chanel, Coco, 131
judgmental, 84–91
change, 224–235
pros and cons of taking on, 52–53
bullies and, 33, 72–73
reasons leaders avoid confronting,
comfort zone and, 28–29
204–205
first step, 27–28
rule changes by, 2
presenting ideas for, 194
bully magnet, 9–20
requirements for, 25–31
bully mindset, 33–35
character assassin, 44
bully pulpit, 175
anger at, 197
bully traps, 69–83
undoing wounds from, 152–155
collusion, 71–72
Civil Rights Act of 1964, 22
delusion, 72–73
coastline breathing technique,
denial, 70–71
49–50, 198
diminishment, 73–76
collusion trap, 71–72
gullibility, 79
comfort zone, 111
isolation, 80–81
expanding, 28–29
passivity, 77–78
compassion, lack of, 34
submission, 76–77
compromise, 23
bully types, 35–45
confidence-building techniques,
angry, aggressive jerk, 35–36,
55–58
117–123
conflict, 26
character assassin, 44, 152–155,
avoiding, 27
197
discovering style, 225–230
narcissist manipulator, 40–41,
confrontation by bully, 21
142–147
avoiding with boss, 166–167
scorched-earth fighter, 36–38,
confronting bullies, 47–59, 176–178
124–130
controlling initial reaction, 48–50
shape-shifter, 38–40, 97–98, 135–
style, 231
141, 189
conscience, 34
silent grenade, 38, 73–74, 131–134
Continental Airlines, 161
wounded rhino, 41–43, 148–151
control, gaining, 103–107
Burke, Edmund, 202
counterattack, 159
business case, 212
on character assassin, 154–155
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
INDEX ❚ 239
covenant of good faith and fair
emails, 138
dealing, violation of, 221–222
critical, 25
coworkers
insulting, 10, 93
fault-finding, 35
response to, 17–18
help from, 22
emotional distress, intentional
negotiating meeting with, 194
infliction of, 221
credit for ideas, 170
emotional processing of information,
stealing, 136, 139
56
criminal assault, 220–221
emotions
Curry Conflict Inventory, 225–230
and appearance, 61
decoding, 230–233
and buy-in, 190–191
cyberbully, 156–163
negative, 52
employees
deadline, for goal, 183–184
attack for exercising protected
defense against attacks, 16, 95–96
right, 218–219
defensiveness, 106
as bullies, 173–181
delay, avoiding in confrontation,
client solicitation, 15
175–176
listening to, 174
delusion trap, 72–73
training, 213
denial trap, 70–71
employer
depersonalization, 158
and employee harassment, 161
diminishment trap, 73–76
liability for cyberbullying, 162
disabled employees, 216
entitlement, 142
disciplining bully, impact, 173–174
Evans, Patricia, The Verbally Abusive
disloyalty, 37
Relationship, 93
Disraeli, Benjamin, 69
evidence
disr
espect, 150
preserving, 160
documentation, 94, 126
tracing and collecting, 159–160
of boss’s behavior, 169
exit interviews, 143
on bully employee, 179
expectations
for support, 191–192
for negotiation, 193
domination, 34, 43, 118
sharing with bully employee, 178
by rhinos, 150
exploitation game, 99–100
dress, 84–85
Facebook, exaggerated stories on,
Einstein, Albert, 216
1–2
Eliot, T. S. , 21
facts, vs. opinions, 137
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
240 ❚ INDEX
Fair Labor Standards Act, 218
hemispheres of brain, functions of left
fault-finding coworker, 35
and right, 49
fear, 70, 77, 205
hiring, bully control of, 143
and action, 232
human resources, 209–215
fighting, 112
Human Rights Commission, 132, 217
feedback, response to, 203
humiliation, public, 96–97
fight or flight response, 198
firing bully employee, 179–180, 192,
incompetence mask, 35
204
information
impact, 173–174
collecting, 144–146
flashing on visual image, 57
processing, 56
Franklin, Benjamin, 197
retention of learned, 4
Freud, Anna, 84
sharing, 191
Ingersoll, Robert Green, 156
game face, 60–68, 128
injunction on cyberstalking, 160
game plan, 54
inner strength, finding, 109–110
model worksheet, 186–187
insults, 22, 118
refusal to play bully’s, 63–66
in emails, 10
strategies, 182–188
intellectual property, 124–125
Gide, Andre, 152
Internet postings, 156–163
goals, 182–184
intimidation game, 100–101
of bullies, 166
by grenades, 133
realistic, 184–185
isolation, 161
good faith and fair dealing covenant,
isolation trap, 80–81
violation of, 221–222
Graham, Billy, 135
job satisfaction, 53
grievance channel, 207–208
judgmental bullies, 84–91
from HR professionals, 213
guilt, lack of, 34
Keller, Eddie, 220
gullibility trap, 79
Kennedy, John F. , 182
kinesthetic processing, 56
habits, 26–27
King, Martin Luther, Jr. , 47
